having one of those moments in my life where I want to vanish from the face of the earth. Just disappear. Lose all contact with everyone, even the ones I love most. Just for a moment. I know this feeling fades sooner than I can even imagine the idea of it materializing. But in this moment. I wish it was possible. I’m grateful for my life and all that I’m blessed with. I’ve held my head high and stayed grounded for quite some time. But when this low feeling makes its way into my conscious I just want to idk. Cease to exist? But that’s a sin. And I know I won’t want this in the morning. I guess that’s how I’ve pushed on all this time. The idea of “maybe I won’t feel like this tomorrow” & I’m often times right. Now that I’m older I guess I’ve learned to not let these feelings get the best of me. But once upon a time I let it consume me entirely. I lost touch with myself and reality and thought my sole purpose was to just suffer through this life. I always thought about this bible verse: Ecclesiastes 1:18 For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. This resonates with me in so many ways. When I think of how far I’ve made it in life versus how far I think I could’ve really made it. It just brings me back to how I see myself in all aspects of life. In my personal relationships, my professional life, even romantic too I guess. I never gave myself a fighting chance in this world like i should’ve. I know it’s never too late. But often times I ask myself what’s the meaning in all of this? And why am I here entertaining this rat race. I’m not quite sure. But like I said. I most likely won’t feel like this in the morning.

my life just works out. It just does.

I hate not having a gf. This is fuckin retarded.