The King's Advisor

[ text ]: I'm drunk on lemonade.

[ text ]: A book told me to bathe in milk. I have regrets.

[ text ]: Help. I'm stuck in [insert name here]'s house and they won't let me leave.

[ text ]: Last night, I used 7 champagne glasses to empty an orange juice carton and drank none of them.

[ text ]: I accidentally sexted my mom.

[ text ]: Why is my TV in the back hard.

[ text ]: I can't find my phone.

[ text ]: Sorry about calling you for pizza last night. I got you and the delivery number mixed up.

[ text ]: I got prank called that my cat was in the freezer but I don't have a cat and I'm scared.

[ text ]: Don't be alarmed. There's a pretty angry cat in your apartment.

[ text ]: I don't know who you are but I want pizza.

[ text ]: Do you have my dog?

[ text ]: A Disney princess dress arrived today. When did I order it?

[ text ]: All I have in my fridge is eggs.

[ text ]: THERE IS A STRANGER IN MY HOME and xhe is politely asking for beer.

[ text ]: All my underwear is gone.

[ text ]: I just got mistaken for a porn star.

[ text ]: Who's house am I in?

[ text ]: I've been waiting for three hours and you're still in the bathroom.

[ text ]: I have a collection of stolen doorknobs.

[ text ]: Police just asked me where you are. You should hide.

[ text ]: I think you underestimated the power of vodka. You told me that rainbows were a conspiracy.

[ text ]: I wish I was a unicorn sometimes.

[ text ]: The sky was green for like a second. fite me.

[ text ]: You were so drunk last night that you hit on your reflection.

[ text ]: I think we need to talk about last night.

[ text ]: Pack your bags. Surprise road trip.

[ text ]: Remind me to never drink again.

[ text ]: Someone stole my table and only my table.

[ text ]: There's a huge ass hole in my couch. It's bigger than my butt.

[ text ]: All my pasta is gone and I can't find it.

[ text ]: When will my dignity return from war.

[ text ]: Apparently 'mmm watcha say' isn't funny anymore.

[ text ]: In not brubk yuu ate.

[ text ]: sleap wwat evn os sleeo

"Today, we sail to conquer the new world!"

"This could be our destiny, our fate."

"If I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice."

"Come on baby. Papa needs that crappy map..."

"You dare to impugn my honor?"

"He was the one that was cheating!"

"Oh, now I'm the thief? Take a look in the mirror, pal!"

"I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death."

"You fight like my sister."

"I've fought your sister, that's a compliment."

"We're both in barrels, that's the extent of my knowledge."

"My crew was as carefully chosen as the disciples of Christ, and I will not tolerate stowaways."

"You will be flogged. And when we port into Cuba to resupply, God willing, you will be flogged some more...and then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of you miserable life."

"That's your plan, is it? ...well I like it!"

"Okay, what's your idea, smart guy?"

"Don't ask me that! You're the one with the plans."

"For pete's sake, he's a ruthless warhorse, not a poodle."

"Look on the positive side. At least things can't get--"

"Excuse me. Were you going to say 'worse'?"

"Did you ever imagine it would end like this?"

"The horse is a surprise."

"My regret, besides dying, is our greatest adventure is over before it even began, and no one will even remember us."

"Well if it's any consolation... you... made my life... an adventure."

"And if it's any consolation, you made my life... rich."

"What's that? The map? ... You still have the map? You kept the map but you couldn't grab a little more food?!"

"It's the map to El Dorado!"

"You drank the sea water didn't you?"

"Wait a minute. New plan. We find the city of gold. We take the gold, and then we go back to Spain."

"And buy Spain!"

"That's the spirit!"

"Your horse bit me in the butt!"

"Apparently, 'El Dorado' is native for... 'great, Big, ... ROCK'!"

"You don't think Cortes could've gotten here before us?"

"And what? Took all the /really/ big rocks? The scoundrel!"

"As the prophesies foretold, the time of judgment is now!"

"Did I not predict that the gods would come to us?"

"My lord, I am not a thief."

"My only wish is to serve the gods."

"You do not question the gods!"

"Do not question me/us, or I/we shall have to unleash our awesome and terrible power!"

"Visit your wrath upon this nonbeliever!"

"Show us the truth of your divinity!"

"You know that little voice that people have that tells them to quick when they're ahead? ... You don't have one!"

"Well, I'm sorry I got carried away!"

"Maybe we should tell the truth and beg for mercy."

"Both. Both is good."

"They actually think we're gods."

"We just have to keep this up long enough to load up on the gold and get the hell out of here!"

"We'll be living like kings!"

"(Person A) and (Person B)! (Person B) and (Person A)! Mighty and powerful gods!"

"Depart mortal! Before we/I strike you with a lightning bolt!"

"Beware the wrath of the gods!"

"Save it for the high priest, honey. You're gonna need it."

"What makes you think that I need your help?"

"Are you serious?"

"I want in on the scam."

"Scam? There's not a scam. Why would think there's a scam?"

"She wants in so she can get out."

"Think you're the only one who dreams of better things?"

"You've got your reasons, and I've got mine."

"Do you mind?"

"The little voice-- remember the little voice? Just for a second imagine that you have one."

"And we're pretending to be Gods."

"We must avoid giving in to temptation."