ugh

https://gofund.me/f72a3392

Do you ever feel sad? Not like 'I dropped my ice-cream cone on a puppy' sad, but like sad-sad?

Like nothing you do matters. Like nothing you make matters. Like you're alone and your screaming into a void and there are others there - you can hear them, you can see them, you try and interact but it seems like everything you do leads to nothing? No acknowledgement? And you're there, screaming and screaming into the void and you know they can see and hear you but they don't scream back?

And it's just heavy. Like a weighted cloak thrown over you, and your shoulders slump because there's nobody there to see, nobody to hold you up, you're sad and you shouldn't be because life is going pretty damn well at the present moment, sure work is a lot and the semester starts soon but it's nothing you didn't sign yourself up for, nothing that is bad, you love your jobs, you love school, and mom is sick but she's getting better, doctors say post-surgery she'll be 100% fine again, and SHE isn't sad, she's cracking jokes like a madlad and is facing everything head on and you're angry at yourself, you hate yourself because you have no reason to feel sad, none, not when other people have it worse.

And you know its a chemical imbalance in your brain. You recognize that there's nothing to feel so overwhelming sad about, you know this is just a depressive episode - they happen, a few days of untenable sadness then BOOM back to happy but you're trapped in the sad part right now, the aching, lonely, awful, dreadful, empty, heavy sad part, and you want to scream and cry and ask for someone to acknowledge it, for someone to say "it's okay you're sad, here's an ice cream cone and a puppy, don't drop them," but you can't because you don't want to bother anybody, not even your therapist, you don't want to feel burdensome because you know this will end you just have to wait, have to keep your chin up no matter how empty you feel.