hello friend.

for the first time in my life, it’s a foreign place to be. don’t get me wrong, i’ve went through depressive episodes just like everyone else but even in the midst of the most challenging parts of it, my main focus has always been set upon the idea that what i’m feeling isn’t permanent. that eventually things will get better. and it usually does.

but this time, it’s different.

the best way i can describe my current state of mind is there’s this odd intensity of sadness that has taken over my headspace. i feel like ive lost control of my emotions and for the first time in my life, i don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. i don’t see how it’s going to get better. and that plunges me deeper into this abyss of depression.

its lonely.

as i try my hardest to navigate through this unknown territory, happiness seems so far away. i feel like ive been walking uphill for the past two years and i’m waiting for the day i make it to the top. what will looking down on everything i overcame feel like? will i ever get up there? these are questions that live rent free in my head and they’re the only answers i care about. they’re also my biggest fear, leaving them unanswered before i leave this earth.

i would like to say this too shall pass. but when will this all pass?