The Adoption Worker

On Sunday I attended my first activity day or play day as it was called. This play day was being held on the outskirts of Bristol which meant a very early start for a Sunday morning, leaving the house at 6am for an 820am flight. I wouldn’t normally make such an effort to travel from Edinburgh to Bristol for a random play day. This however, was no random play day. A couple of weeks earlier our agency had received a profile for two boys, 4 and 5, who needed a new forever family, or as we later learned, a growing up family as they understand it. These boys were not only adorable in the photos with cheeky grins but also love dogs, being outside, walking, exploring, are crafty and arty and have a lovely sibling bond. They sounded like a great potential match for my adopters who also love all of the above. So after sharing the profile with my adopters and numerous conversations with the boys social worker, we were invited to come to the play day as the boys were going to be there. Needless to say my adopters jumped at the opportunity to meet these cheeky chaps and so this led to my 5am Sunday morning start.

We arrived at the play centre where the day was being held and were warmly welcomed by all the staff facilitating the event. They all knew we had come from Edinburgh and I think they were just as excited about the adopters meeting the boys as we were. This wasn’t the boys first play day and while they had had another potential match this had fallen through, so it felt like everyone was invested in the boys future.

The staff had set up a grown up room where we had bottomless tea, coffee and biscuits. In here they also had pictures of the children who were attending, with their names and any geographical restrictions for placement. That was all we knew about the children. Altogether there were 14 children, a mixture of single children and siblings groups of 2 and 3, aged from 18 months to 8 years old. From our side there were about 11 sets of adopters. After an introduction from one of the organisers, explaining the structure of the day, play, tea and snack, parachute games and then story time, some hints and tips about conversation starters with the children and foster carers, it was play time as the children had started to arrive.

To begin with it all felt a bit awkward, at the best of times, grown ups are not very good at playing without children, then add in the mix of anticipation and nerves and you have some very awkward adults! Things soon became more relaxed as the children began playing and were supported by the helpers who facilitated some crafts and music. Soon the boys arrived and they were even more adorable in real life than the photos showed! After some play inside, the foster care suggested to the boys that they explore outside and they were off. My adopters tried to wait a few minutes before joining them outside and I followed them 10 minutes later. The boys loved the outdoor activities, the swing, flying fox, slide and balance beams. My adopters and the boys were having a great time just playing and generally being silly. The next 30 to 40 minutes was all outdoor play and by a touch of fate no other children or adopters came out to play so my adopters were fortunate to really spend a lot of time with them. The boys decided that they would like to play on the bikes and we felt that we had possibly hogged the boys and their carer’s time, so we went inside to warm up, take a breath and get a reassuring cup of tea. It was easy for me to see that my adopters were rather smitten already.

We then all gathered back to have some group parachute games, during which the boys kept connecting with my adopters through eye contact and silly faces (though that might have been the adopters more with silly faces)! After story time, we all went on a bear hunt and we were only a little bit scared! And a ball flight in the soft play ball pit the day was being to draw to a close I don’t think any of us wanted it to end. The boys wanted to show the adopters their bikes as they had ridden here, and then it was time to say goodbye.

For us the day was a great success, getting to meet the children the adopters had read about was invaluable and really helped to cement the connection they were beginning to feel. Over dinner that evening we all reflected that it would have been a very different experience to attend without knowing anything about any of the children. It would have been much more overwhelming, as it would be walking into any room full of children you don’t know and trying to play, but with the added knowledge that you could possible adopt one of them it adds a certain level of anxiety. However, from my perspective I would also have prepared the adopters differently if we were attending the event without having a specific child in mind, so perhaps that would have been much more reassuring to the adopters or perhaps they would have decided it wasn’t the right type of event for them.

Overall I am so glad that we attended this play day and I would encourage others to do the same if they are given the opportunity. For more adopters it has made them more committed to pursuing this link and proceeding to the next stage of meeting all the professionals around the boys. Nothing beats meeting the children, they are the centre of this process and while we don’t want to expose them to too much uncertainty or risk, they have also had an opportunity to show that they also had fun with the adopters and hopefully also felt a connection, I think this is a strong foundation for a match going forward.

Contact in adoption can be a fantastic thing. Contact can help children understand who they are, help them integrate their dual identity of being part of an adoptive family and having a birth family and it can help build confidence and self-esteem. My caveat to this would be that the contact arrangements, whether they are direct, face to face contact or indirect, letters and cards, are designed, assessed and managed in a way that means it meets the needs of the child and the families involved.

This week I experienced a contact that did not fulfil the needs of the child or the birth parent who attended. The child has an excellent understanding of who the birth parent is, tummy mummy (TM) and she knows that she is an important person who loves her very much. But crucially, the child doesn’t have a relationship with her. Each time they meet which is a few times per year, the child is essentially meeting a stranger. I see the child more, and the child doesn’t hug me, they are cautious when I first arrive at the house but slowly they get more confident and can enjoy my company, supported by mum at all times. This contact doesn’t happen in the house, so not only is the child out of their safe environment they are also separate from the person they love and trust the most, mum.

The contact for the child is stressful. They are not sure how to behave and from what I saw feel a pressure to entertain and engage with tummy mummy. TM always brings presents and this is also overwhelming for the wee one. As the hour wore on we watched this little one become more and more confused and her behaviour deteriorated demonstrating how difficult she found the situation.  

For TM it was equally hard, she could see that she did not have the loving, attuned, reciprocal relationship with her birth child that she clearly, desperately wants. She is not the person this wee one turns to when distressed. In turn TM found this distressing.

Overall I came away from the contact feeling that it was cruel, to all parties. It was not serving the function that contact is aimed to do. It wasn’t enhancing or supporting a positive relationship between TM and the wee one. It was not a fun and positive experience that can be drawn on and talked about at home, or recorded and remembered fondly in a life story book.

Contact needs to be a unique as each child. It needs to support the child’s identity and understanding of who they are and their place in the world. It should have flexibility built in to enable changes when the child grows, develops and understands more. It should involve adopters, birth family and the child. It can be one of the most powerful ways to support an adoptive family. Sadly not this time though. The adoption order is in court so we hope that contact will be changed to indirect, but I also hope that this will remain flexible and that if when the wee one is a big one, if they decide they want contact this can be supported and facilitated to enable a positive meetings to build good relationships.

I am an adoption social worker and in this blog I am going to take the opportunity to explain some of the things I do day to day. This week I had one particularly busy day. My day started by driving just over an hour to visit a prospective adopter. This was someone who had contacted us indicating that they are interested in adoption and would like more information. I went to their flat and had a chat with them about the process of adoption, a bit about our Agency, a bit about what types of children need to be placed for adoption and how their early experiences can impact on their development, relationships and behaviour. We also talked about why they were interested in adoption, it transpired that they had personal experience of adoption and were positively choosing to adopt rather than have a biological child. We talked about their experience with children, their family and friends and what support they might offer. We also talked about the practicalities such as money and adoption leave.

I left the meeting feeling very positive. The prospective adopter was engaging, interested and clearly very committed to adoption. I hope that I made a good impression and highlighted the strengths of our agency and how we could support them through this journey. However the ball is in their court of whether they would like to proceed at this time and if so whether they choose our agency, another charity or the local authority.

After that meeting back in the car for another half hour drive to visit to parents of prospective adopters I am assessing. This is an opportunity to help the wider family understand the challenges of adoption and how being a grandparent through adoption will be different to being a grandparent biologically. The meeting went well and it was clear that my prospective adopters had been talking a lot about adoption with them. I was able to share more information about the process and what some of the differences might be. It is always nice to meet the grandparents to be, as they are such a crucial support to families and can be some of the most important people to children.

Then it was back in the car for about an hour to get to a Looked After and Accommodated Child Review. This meeting was standard review for a child placed with my adopters. This child had been placed on a fostering basis and we are just about ready to lodge the adoption order to secure him with the adopters. The meeting went really well. The wee one is thriving and doing everything he should. The adopters are happy and the wee one is well integrated into the family. The main issue is the getting the legal stuff sorted so there was a lot of paperwork signing and checking we had all the right documentation for court. After the meeting I had a catch up with my adopter over a sandwich and a cup of tea. A really nice opportunity to hear how the family is doing, about recent holidays and to get to see some pictures of the wee one looking happy, cheeky and so much bigger than last time I visited.

Then it was back to the office to start writing up all the visits and finishing the paperwork for court and my next panel. As I drive back I start thinking about what the rest of the week will bring.