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August 2020

I was super bored one night bc we were really slow, and the animatronic that served as my cue had broken without my knowing, so I didn’t get an alert that someone was coming.

I was in the hallway singing “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” at the top of my lungs and jumping up and down in the hallway. The guy in the next hallway over was singing it with me. I don’t know what he was doing but knowing him, it was equally goofy.

last summer my friend who is an amazingly talented artist and i were in this super tall building, and she’s in a wheelchair and i’m pushing her around the room. it’s an art exhibit and some of her art was chosen to be showcased there and so it’s all fine and dandy until suddenly an alarm starts going off

a FIRE ALARM

everyone starts running for the stairs and my friend just looks at me with this forlorn look on her face

“i can’t go down the stairs”

but i’m a stubborn bitch “i’ll carry you”

“what about my chair? it’s too expensive for me to be able to get another one if i can’t get this one back”

“i’ll carry that too”

and i did. we went to the stairs (by then most people from our floor were gone) and i lifted her up in a fireman’s carry over my shoulder and then lifted her chair up and used the ridiculous amount of adrenaline that was coursing through my veins to make it down approximately 20 half-flights of stairs until we met some people exiting lower floors, one of which who kindly took the chair. I changed positions so i was holding my friend bridal-style which was, somehow, easier and the person who took her wheelchair (with her permission to handle it of course) accompanied me to the ground floor and then out the doors

basically there is no real protocol for people who can’t use the stairs in an emergency. it’s up to the people with them, if anyone, to help them or the person to somehow make it down the stairs alone, unassisted

thank fuck that it was just a faulty alarm system, because if i was unable to carry her down those stairs and the building was on fucking fire???? then i don’t know what would have happened to her, but i don’t think it would have been very good.

the fire marshal hemmed and hawed for a while and then said to take the elevator- you’re supposed to leave it free for the fire department to use and they want able-bodied people out fast not waiting for elevators. if the fire alarm has just gone off the building probably hasn’t suffered enough structural damage to make using the elevator dangerous, and modern elevator wells are heavily reinforced. many large and high-trafficked buildings on my campus have fire rated elevators that link in with the fire alarm system so they won’t let you off on a floor with a possible fire. 

if the elevator isn’t working, wait in the stairwell and call the fire department to let them know where you are. modern stairwells are also heavily reinforced- it might not be pleasant but modern building code usually requires fire-resistant stairwell doors in office and big residential buildings, also to help firefighters get in and out safely. older buildings’ stairwells may or may not be retrofitted with fire-resistant doors but a stairwell is generally the safest place to wait if you can’t get out. 

Understand that once you enter the elevator, you could POTENTIALLY be taking your life into your hands there.

It is NOT LIKELY, to be perfectly honest. It’s only in a pretty catastrophic scenario - think the Twin Towers, USA, on September 11th - that the elevators will be compromised and out of service. But there is a NOT ZERO PERCENT CHANCE and you need to understand that and accept it.

As for leaving the elevators free for the firefighters, okay, here’s the deal. Unless your nearest fire station is literally right next door? Your first on scene fire truck is NOT likely to be there on scene and needing that elevator before you get to the ground. It takes us TIME to find the address, gear up, and drive to the building. Then we need to hoof it into where the elevators even ARE, so YOU HAVE TIME to use the elevator to get down to the ground floor... BUT ONLY IF THERE’S NOT A RUSH ON THE ELEVATOR! And THAT is WHY we don’t tell people this shit. That’s WHY we tell people to NEVER USE THE ELEVATOR... because every self-entitled asshole will use it because they don’t feel like walking, and then put YOU in danger by delaying the elevator’s arrival to you.

IF, however, the elevator IS compromised, or you just can’t get it to come for you, or whatever, and you either don’t have anyone with you who has the adrenaline fueled BALLS to be able to toss you over their shoulder and hoof it down the stairs with you - because, let’s face it, that is RARE AS FUCK, then HERE IS WHAT YOU DO:

You call 911 and tell the call taker that you are in the building that has a fire alarm going off, and you are not able to evacuate because of a physical disability, and you tell them what floor you are on, and EXACTLY what stairwell you are waiting at. And the very FIRST thing that the firefighters are going to do once they arrive, if it is, indeed, a REAL emergency, and not a false alarm, is come get your ass and bring you down. Whether that means carrying you down the stairs, or whether that means locking out the elevators so that no one else can override them and coming to get you themselves, they WILL come get you FIRST THING if it is a real event. And if it is a false alarm? You will probably be the first person who is not involved with the building to know, because the call-taker is going to stay on the line with you until you are under someone’s care and out of danger, or until the scene has been sorted out as real or false, and you are out of danger that way.

These are pretty standard operations in the fire service throughout the United States. There may be some minor variations based on specific municipalities, but, for the most part, this is pretty typical: LIFE BEFORE PROPERTY. So, as long as SOMEONE knows where you are - hence why you call 911 - Firefighters will come get you. You are NOT alone, and you have NOT been abandoned. I PROMISE. It’s like, our whole reason for doing the shit we do: to save lives and to break shit. Sometimes, we get lucky enough to do both at the same time.

High rise fires suck ass, and I always hated them. But the very FIRST thing I asked anytime we got one was if we had “any entrapments” - which is what we call anyone who could not self-evacuate for ANY reason. We ain’t leaving you behind. And yes, your friend who doesn’t have the stamina to carry you down can stay with you, too. Because I would never ask that of someone, honestly. 

This variant of the Goldentail / Bastard Moray is known as the Banana Eel due to its colouration and markings resembling a ripe banana.

banana eel: [bites scientist]

Well he found a moray and attempted to hand feed it, and it snapped up the egg and bit the shit out of his right hand in the process and the dive had to be halted so the blood wouldn’t attract sharks. But was this enough punishment for Dumbass Dave? No it was not, because he had a Plan

Dumbass Dave’s plan turned out to be a chainmail glove. Where he obtained it has been lost to time, but he put it on his right, injured hand and down they went, whereupon Dave found himself another moray and tried to feed it some hardboiled egg

With his left hand

And yes it did bite the shit out of him and they did have to cancel the dive, again

She’s working at the hospital since Rhona came to town,

Hide away, hide away, Miss Rhona’s come to town,

Hide away, hide away, she’s come to take us down.

Miss Rhona’s at the doorstep, I’ll keep 6 feet away,

But Grandma needs the paper, I’ll take her some today,

Hide away, hide away, Miss Rhona’s come to stay,

Hide away, hide away, we can’t come out to play.

But Grandma needs the paper, I’ll take her some today,

And here’s a note from Rhona, she wanted me to say,

Hide away, hide away, keep 6 feet away,

[Image ID: Tumblr user @neanderthyall says in the notes, “I thought that 6 feet was kind of a double meaning. Like six feet away to stop the spread, but when people die they’re six feet underground, and its six feet of the dirt that keeps you apart. Like ‘Hide away, hide away, even though it hurts Hide away, hide away, or the six feet will be dirt’.” End ID.]

I’ve taken the liberty of expanding the lyrics slightly and coming up with a tune:

Daddy’s at the food store, Mummy’s out of town, She’s working at the hospital since Rhona came to town, Hide away, hide away, Miss Rhona’s come to town, Hide away, hide away, she’s come to take us down.

Miss Rhona’s at the doorstep, I’ll keep 6 feet away, But Grandma needs the paper, I’ll take her some today, Hide away, hide away, Miss Rhona’s come to stay, Hide away, hide away, we can’t come out to play.

I need to see the sunlight, I’ve not been out in days And here’s a note from Rhona, she wanted me to say, Hide away, hide away, keep 6 feet away, Hide away, hide away, she took us down today

and when i got asked what was wrong by my law teacher (she thought i looked ill) 

this place is not a place of honor

no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here

nothing valued is here

what is here is dangerous and repulsive to us

the danger is in a particular location

so in 1993 a report was developed by two panels of materials science experts, linguists, anthropologists, architects, geologists and astronomers to create a marking system for the site. they proposed different levels of messages to be placed in the area. and the language part of the report is amazing because they’re really trying to cover everything. my favorite parts:

should we just design the whole structure to look ominous and scary and not put any messages on it? no, because when has that ever stopped humans from doing anything.

but also some facial expressions are universal and have been basically since we’ve been around, so there should be pictographs of faces conveying horror and sickness, as well as ‘what is here is dangerous and repulsive to us.’

we have to explain what we buried here and what would happen if they went looking, because if we don’t they’ll absolutely go looking. so the expert panel suggested including both a detailed message where we explain in scientific terms what radioactivity is, and one that says: ‘the danger is to the body, and it can kill. the form of the danger is an emanation of energy.’

star maps will be used to convey the passage of time, and we’re including instructions on what they mean and how to use them.

we have to explain that this fancy structure isn’t actually hiding anything interesting. i.e. the tomb of some great leader that’s filled with treasure. hence the part of the message that says: 'this place is not a place of honor. no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here. nothing valued is here.‘ 

but also we shouldn’t make it not interesting because there’s a lot of potential in designing the site so it develops deep cultural significance for future humans:

‘a monumental, intellectually stimulating system would enhance performance with higher probability than would a less energetic design based on minimal investment, thought at creativity. an oral tradition tethered to the marker system would emphasize (1) that it was designed to be the world’s longest lasting human artifact, (2) that it was intended as a gift to guard the health of future generations, and (3) that it is the world’s largest celestial ‘clock’ marking the millennia. hyperbole and altruism are strong themes in the world’s folk tales, songs and myths.’