Who is in Control?

“Wow, I’m surprised you sound so… busy,” Sidney said with an amused smile. She let her smile sit on her face for a few moments, then she began to nervously fiddle with a few of the checker pieces before them. “Um… Now, I don’t know, since you’re so busy… but I had a bit of a, um, a proposal for you. Now, y-you… You definitely don’t have to give me an answer today, um, but I thought I’d put it on the table, you know, just to… Just to put the idea out there.”

“Gotta keep myself busy or I’d go insane.” She explained playing with her hair. At the woman’s words, the patient tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. A small, amused smile fell upon her lips and she exhaled. “So put it out there. I’m never too busy for something new.”

“Oh, maybe somewhere between five and ten minutes? It doesn’t take much time, mostly patience and focus,” Sidney said. She smiled proudly, though it was in response to hearing Hazel’s status rather than from her card trick accomplishment. Hazel didn’t exactly look great, but maybe it was just from lack of sleep. It was good to hear she was maintaining, though. “That’s great to hear, Hazel. I can’t say I’m surprised to hear that keeping up with your nutrition has improved your mood, but I’m glad it has. But tell me, what have you been ‘preoccupied’ with?”

“Yup, I wouldn’t have been able to do it.” She said shaking her head and laughing. “Oh you know. Writing, getting the guards to take me outside even though it’s not allowed, avoiding my appointments, meeting people..” She shook her head, “Lots of stuff.” 

          In a gesture almost odd for him, Zach had decided not to spend the entire day holed up in his room. The decision had managed to surprise even himself, but instead of questioning the impulse he’d decided to slink down to the (hopefully uncrowded) recreation room all the same. A quick peek in through the doorway had confirmed that it was empty, and satisfied with the fact that he’d still be relatively isolated, he’d sat himself down in front of one of the tables. Upon lazily examining his newer surroundings, he’d found that part of the room had been left in disarray, a few toys for the younger children scattered across the floor in varying states of broken and several sheets of scribbled-on paper haphazardly tossed across the surface of the tables.

          Curiosity wiggled its way through his defenses, and before he he could toss it aside it had already caused him to reach out to one of the sheets and look over the mess of what he assumed was supposed to be some sort of drawing. Before any unruly emotions could force him to give any further thought on the matter, he let his eyes drift in and out of focus on the varying shades of scribbles, noting but refusing to react to the familiar heaviness that began to creep up through his limbs—at least until a voice smacked him right back into an uncomfortable reality. It took him several long moments before he felt capable of reacting, but as soon as his body was able to cooperate, he shot a quick glance in the stranger’s direction.

          “Oh, I wasn’t…” He trailed off, setting the paper down. “I was just looking at it.”

The brunette stared at him for a moment, analyzing whatever she could. She seemed to have caught him off guard, unintentionally. She was genuinely just asking a question. More recently there had been more and more people who she had no idea their name, why they were there, where they were from, anything. He was no exception. 

“It’s fine. I was just curious.” A shrug lifted her shoulders once before she smiled. “I’m Hazel. You are...?”

“Ever since this little kid asked me too,” Lukas grinned sheepishly, gesturing at the young boy beside him. “I know, I’m amazing at coloring aren’t I. A natural.”

“Mmm absolutely amazing.” She said sarcastically. “I think it’d what actually landed you the job.”

“I-I have priorities that aren’t this!” Lucy said indignantly. “I care a-about my patients, a-and my job, of course.” She looked at the sleeve around Hazel’s thin wrist and shook her head. “It’s just… It’s just important. To stay like this.” This time she used her own sleeve to dab at her eye. “I can’t talk about this with you, Hazel. Y-you’re my patient.” Lucy shuddered, crying more. “Do you think Holmes is going to ask me to leave? He c-can’t, I’m not… I’m not really medically unstable technically. He wouldn’t do that to me.”

Hazel nodded, “I know you do. The question is which is more important.” She said simply shrugging her shoulders. “Thin? Perfect? Suffering? Trust me you’re preaching to the choir on that one.” A small twinge of guilt passed hit her and she bit her lip, “I don’t know Lucy. It’s not all about weight. It’s about behaviors and mental status too. He might now ask you to leave but he might ask you to stay as a patient.” 

“New patients flowed in… There was something big on the news and they all came in a group. I don’t know if you’ve met any of them yet, but there’s been an influx in admits.” Sidney hurried to aid Hazel in collecting the cards. “Don’t worry about the cards, I’ve got it.” She organized the cards she had, putting them all face down so that the dark blue design on the backs all looked uniform. “I’m alright. I just got back from a trip, actually. I spoke at Lewis and Clarke, I don’t know if you know it. It’s here in Oregon, so I knew a few people that teach there from high school, actually.” Sidney bit her lip and tilted her head. “Great?” she asked anxiously. “That sounds… Unusual for you.”

“Can’t say I’ve met them. I’ve been a little...preoccupied.” She said shrugging. Handing over the cards the teen blinked, “How long did it take you to build that tower? And no, I’ve never heard of it. But it sounds interesting.” She said before sighing at her question. “Check my charts. I’m keeping weight, like im supposed to. I’m fine. I feel great. My mind is clear for once. I feel light and focused.” Not to mention I haven’t taken my meds in weeks, my BP is in the toilet and my pulse is shit. 

“Who said that?” Lucy inquired with a look of annoyance. “That isn’t what happened, so…” Her face crumpled and she sighed, brushing the hot tears off her cheeks. “Oh my God, Hazel, I can feel my heart going crazy sometimes. I-I get scared that it’s going to happen again and it’s horrible. I-I– How far is too far?”

Hazel hadn’t been expecting for her to break. She knew she was fragile but she didn’t want to ruin her. “Hey, hey.” She reached up and wiped her tears with her sleeve. “You get used to the butterfly feeling. You learn to ground yourself even when your head is 100,000 miles away.. Its the stubbornness.” She smiled weakly. “It depends on matters to you. If you let this be the only thing that matters than nothing is too far. If you have other priorities, literally anything else, than you need to stop now.”

Sidney’s hand jerked as she looked away from her tower of cards to see Hazel standing behind her. “Hazel! Hi, it’s good to–” Consequently, Sidney’s tower of cards tumbled down, and she turned back to the table to see cards slipping and sliding to the floor. “Oh….” She sighed and looked up again. “Well, it’s good to see you, despite this… this,” she said, pointing at the mess before them. She hadn’t seen Hazel in a few weeks, and it was nice to see her familiar face. Tired, but familiar. “How are you?” Sidney asked pensively. Hazel looked stressed out, or zoned out at least. Something was surely on her mind, and Sidney sort of paired that observation with the fact that she was looking more tired than usual that she hadn’t been doing well with her meal plan lately. 

Hazel’s jaw dropped when the tower fell, feeling sorry for causing it to happen. “Sorry. That was definitely my fault.” She said, shifting to gather the cards that had scattered around the room. It took a lot out of her even not to stumble as she stood. “I’m great. How’re you? You’ve been awfully busy lately. All of our appointments have been handed to the NP on staff.” She said. “Not that I mind. She’s nice.” The brunette handed her the cards, the bones of her wrists jutting out. Hazel quickly slid her sleeve back down and smiled weakly before sitting. “Whatre you doing in the rec room?” She asked exhaustively.

Lucy pursed her lips and looked down. Rumors spread fast– there couldn’t have been more than one or two people in the stairwell the day that happened. “I fell, Hazel. I’m sure I’m not the first person to fall on the stairs here.”

“No, but I did hear that you were less than stable after you passed out. And you wouldn’t go to the nurse and you wouldn’t eat. So. “

Today was harder. It seemed like she was walking on a treadmill that was consistently changing direction.  She was too tired to keep up. Lucy was too sick to notice, Sidney too busy. Her parents were gone. She’d die before she ever left these locked walls that had become home. Stumbling down the hallway she found herself in the recreation room. She grabbed a notebook and pen and flopped into one of the big chairs that laid in there. Hazel hadn’t made many close friends in her time here which she regretted. Smiling a bit she raised an eyebrow,

 “And how long have you been doing that for?” 

Sidney tried to keep the smile on her face. Hazel was right, sadly. The Whitmores had said nothing. But at least the words put a rather hopeful look on her face. There was one bit of truth Sidney could tell her though. “I’m proud of you too, Hazel. I know it’s been really hard being here for so long. I… You’ve grown up a lot since you got here.” More than anything, Sidney wanted to tell Hazel she should look toward getting discharged. Inpatient care wasn’t really in Hazel’s best interest at this point– her motivation would be much greater if she was able to work outpatient and come to Brielle just for meals, groups, and therapy. Maybe she needed dance even. But there was nowhere for Hazel to go. Her parents wouldn’t agree that outpatient care was a good choice, and besides, going home meant being far away from Brielle. That meant finding another outpatient center for Hazel, and that seemed difficult since Hazel was a bit choosey with who she worked with. “Do you… Do you think you need to be here anymore?” she asked with uncertainty. 

A small smile graced her lips which held a soft pink hue instead of their normal white. “It has been a long time. A lot has happened since I first got here. I think I’ve changed, at least a little. as a person. I’m still a sarcastic bitch but I’m not as reclusive as I was. I talk to people. I do more than train and restrict.” She said sighing a bit as she did. “Which is something I didn’t think I’d ever stop doing.” At her question the brunette’s eyes lit up, “You mean leave Brielle? Leave the hospital?” Her mouth gaped open for a moment and she paused. Hazel had never really agreed she needed treatment in the first place. The only weight gain she’d made was maintenance. Which was progress. She wasn’t losing. “Um, I don’t know. I didn’t think I needed to be here in the beginning. But then I almost died and I accepted that I was here, not that I changed how I ate very much. I mean I’m still only two pounds away from you shoving a plastic tube down my throat. I wanna leave. I wanna live in the world and not trapped in these walls. I love the people, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not a home. It’s not meant to be permanent.”

Sidney opened her mouth to answer, then realized she might try to put it in more sensitive phrasing. The Whitmores had hardly contacted Holmes, Serenity, or Brielle lately within the last year. The last instructions Hazel’s parents had given Sidney were that they just wanted to go by her medical opinion. Medical decisions were left to Dr. Seuss at this point, but it didn’t seem like there was a place for Hazel to go home to if Sidney did decide to discharge her. It was one of the most heartbreaking thing for Sidney to see. Hazel didn’t deserve to be locked up at Brielle, but she still wasn’t healthy enough to be sent home, or somewhere that would be harder for her to seek treatment. The most Sidney had heard from the Whitmores was their signature paying the medical bills, to be perfectly honest. 

It was alright for Sidney to lie in this situation. Hazel deserved way more love than what her parents were failing to provide her with, and she definitely didn’t deserve to hear that they hadn’t even asked how she was doing. No updates on Hazel’s progress, even. She had to make something up, though. “I’ve… I’ve exchanged some emails with your father about your… your progress and your treatment here. About the transition… They’re glad you’re stable. They’re proud of you.”

Hazel didn’t expect much of a response from her. Her parents had been absent from her life as she knew it for almost three years now. It honestly wouldn’t have surprised her if there wasn’t any contact at all. Hazel never got any letters or phone calls or was able to visit them. They had vanished. Gotten used to a life without a daughter. But there a small twinge of hope that maybe, just maybe they had been in contact. They just hadn’t contacted...her. Maybe they just had contacted the staff about her instead. 

“Proud of me?” The words didn’t feel real. They certainly hadn’t been heard in a very long time. Actually she wasn’t sure if she’d heard them at all. “They said that? Damn. I don’t think they’ve ever said that.” She said adjusting herself in her chair. “I kind of expected them to have said nothing.”

diana was too distracted staring down at the plate of severely unappetizing food to even notice what the other was doing to her own. “i had high hopes,” diana admitted, lips curled into a plump pout. “i suppose that could be it…i usually just get the pre-made things. yogurt, salads…simple things my parents would approve of.” the blonde then looked up, noticing the other spit into a napkin. “…that BAD?” she inquired, not aware of the other’s diagnosis. 

“Like those people that do meal prep in mason jars and stuff?” She asked raising her eyebrows. “That stuff is always interesting to me.” She said. At the question Hazel laughed a bit, “Um no, I just am not really hungry.”

“That sounds pleasant.” Sidney nodded, an encouraging smile lighting her face. “It’s been exceedingly pleasant here, this week. Reminds me of home, a little bit. It’s much nicer here than it was in Idaho.” The doctor arranged her checkers with pride. “I plan on keeping my winning streak, and that might be difficult,” Sidney joked, then shook her head before she answered Hazel’s question seriously. “We’re getting a new admit, so I have that and a couple physicals to get through… Then paperwork for the new person, too. It’s not exactly like I have anything else to do with my time, though.”

“Is it? We haven’t been allowed out to tooo much. I went out with Lucy the other day and it was ice but obviously I have clue what the city or anything is like.” She said moving her first piece. “Fair. I mean that is literally your job here, despite how much fun it is to hang out with me.” She smirked a bit. “On a more serious note have you heard from my family recently? I just haven’t even gotten a letter or a call. I’m sure their busy and they I;m safe and whatever I just...was wondering.”