ABitBrokenPoetry

I have no mother. She drowned herself in the black waves of sorrow. I have no father. He turned his back on me & was swallowed whole by a starless sky. the ocean is my mother now. I let the waves sing to me. They are warm hands, they embrace me like my mother never could. They pull me towards the deep & it feels like home. The night sky is my father. Ever watching, infinite & wise. The moon is soft like my father never could be. I trace maps through the stars with my fingertips. This is my family.

I lay in the darkness.. silenced by my own insignificance.. swallowed completely by loneliness.. how unfortunate to be born as this fragile, tiny being.. so easily broken, ripped apart by emotions.. I wish I was a star.. a massive celestial being.. galaxies rotating around me.. the whole universe would witness me burnout.. it would be a beautiful cosmic event that could last for centuries.. stars burn brightest when they’re dying.. I would implode in upon myself, as I’m doing now, until there was nothing left.. but carbon smeared across space in the most vivid colors imaginable.. Then I wouldn’t be dying alone.. unnoticed.. the whole universe would know.

time is a strange, dark companion. Whose Company you’ll keep your entire life. It hardens some and softens others. It gives and it takes away. There’s no where you can hide from the hands of time. It leaves its imprint everywhere, on everything. I see it in my children’s eyes. Simultaneously their past, their present, their future. I see it on my face reflecting back at me, a face I barely recognize. i feel its presence in the landscape. As it changes over and over again all around me. I feel its presence in this bar full of people. Under the hum of the music and sound of voices, it’s there. These are twenty two year olds who never will or never were supposed to get old.. or die. you dance with time your whole life whether you want to or not. And if you’re very lucky, it will gently lay you down in the end.. when you stop dancing.. and kiss you goodbye.

I had declared war on myself.. Bloody battles raging for years.. I sat in the middle of the killing fields.. savage; dirty weapons in hand.. victims lying around me.. but deep down I was broken.. people would come& they would go.. & I barely noticed them.. until you came wondering in my path.. you crawled through the landmines.. & dodged my grenades.. & you patiently sat with me as things exploded.. you were fighting your own battles.. you gave me your coat.. and wiped away my tears for awhile.. & it wasn’t nearly so lonely there anymore.. I never thanked you for that.. for keeping my company.. when I was trying so desperately to destroy myself.. I hope wherever you are now.. you have fought all your battles.. & won your war.

All those tiny glittering pieces I’ve left behind me.. bits of glass at every scene where I crashed and burned.. And I was always a wreck desiring a collision.. I walked away from each one; Less myself than I was.. If someone had warned me.. People only hang around to see a fiery explosion; to catch a glimpse the grim face of death; for entertainment only.. I would’ve listened.. you’re only interesting for so long.. Now everyone’s gone.. and I’m thinking of all those pieces of me glittering, forgotten in the sun.. now when I see someone mangled on the side of the road.. I stop and painstakingly gather up every tiny piece.. I give them back to them.. you have to hold on to these, I tell them.. don’t just leave pieces of your soul lying around.

I’m sorry I asked you to stand on that bridge with me and hold my hand. I’m glad you didn’t jump when I did. It put the perfect amount of distance between us when I finally shattered on the rocks at the bottom below.. An endless war I fight all alone. But don’t judge me so harshly. One day, you will fall off the edge of a bridge all your own.

when I was very young.. I put a record on & I was lost and found again in the same moment.. I found god in the lyrics of every favorite song.. I found god in the rise and fall of harmonizing instruments.

there will be disappointments. That’s the nature of life. There will be cruelty. And days the darkness will feel like it’s suffocating you. There will be relationships lost, lovers, friends. And there will be loneliness. And nights when it feels like the world ends. but there will also be mornings. moments that make your eyes shimmer with tears of hope. And there will be those that stay(maybe forever). There will be tiny droplets of light to find even on the darkest of days(if you look for it). And every night the world ends, you can open your eyes and make a new one the next morning (if you want to).

your name will always bring with it a soft sort of sadness.. that falls around my shoulders & embraces me like a blanket. Or a hug.. a thousand memories of your moonbeam smile. And starlit eyes. Filtered through layers of nostalgia.. I’ll remember what was.. but it will be all the what could have beens… that will cause me to swallow the tears until they form oceans within me.. and perhaps when I’m alone one might slip from my eyes & onto my pillow.. as I wish it was your face I was gazing at in the near darkness. Long lashes on your cheekbones… maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone.. maybe I would be happier then.. there will always be an empty hole in me shaped exactly like you and you will never know.

I learned more from you.. in the words you never spoke.. than the words you did.. i learned how to become invisible.. not seen, not heard, to blend into walls.. Like camouflage, to hide beneath covers.. I learned sadness is a hereditary disease.. I learned indifference cuts deepest of all.. I learned anger is the monster that lives in the closet.. it can control, and transform, and completely destroy.. I learned people never change if they see nothing wrong.. I learned indifference is deeper then hate. i learned the very first relationships we ever create in life.. are the deepest and most complicated ones.. so I walked away.

You’re dangling off the edge of that mountain.. panic stricken.. desperate.. and you’re grasping for hands of people who don’t care enough to pull you up.. they never have.. just let go.. you will shatter on the rocks at the bottom.. it will hurt.. but then you will be able to gather up all the pieces of yourself and weld them back together however you want… so let go.. there’s such beauty in the fall.