And sometimes this thought drowns me, feeling a deep longing for times passed. I feel a magnetic pull and wish so deeply to return to comfort.

With a lot of difficulty, I pull myself out of this spiral before I can slip too deep. I remind myself of the transient nature of this world. 'You know that you're not meant to live here forever, right? You won't be here that long anyway.'

I try my best in moments like these to imagine my death, forcing myself to feel the discomfort that comes with that thought. I remind myself of how temporary my existence is, that I won't exist at some point. People will move on with their lives and existence will continue as is. I am just a speck in reality.

Then I come back to the present. I find myself immediately shrunk, as if the heart that wanted to rip out of my chest earlier wasn't mine. I feel humbled, I feel grateful and I somehow feel lighter.

I imagine myself surrendering all of my being to Allah, with all my thoughts, worries, questions, good and all the bad.

If there is nothing that I have earned in this life, I will present my sincerity to Allah. I will plead to His mercy and I will present myself to Him as a servant who always strived to please Him, even if I stumbled, even if I fell again and again. Even if I don't succeed, I have always strived.

There is much to thank Allah for.

یکی وصل و یکی هجران پسندد

من از درمان و درد و وصل و هجران

لیکن میرے دل، یہ تو فقط ایک گھڑی ہے

ہمت کرو، جینے کو تو اک عمر پڑی ہے۔

تاریکیوں سے اک طرح کا یارانہ ہو گیا ہے

نا خوفِ تنہائی، نا غمِ فراق

نا امیدِ دیدار یار، نا امیدِ وصال

Where is Your abrupt relief?

أَيْنَ غِيَاثُكَ ٱلسَّرِيعُ

Where is Your immediate aid?

أَيْنَ رَحْمَتُكَ ٱلْوَاسِعَةُ

I make a promise to myself to act differently but somewhere that guilt and regret is buried. And it is good that it hasn't left me, because then I would forget. Human beings are forgetful. Sometimes the weight of these exhausts me, I feel as though I have lived many lives in this short span. Yet there is much I haven't seen, lived, experienced.

I used to think I was patient. I am now realizing what it really means to be patient. I feel that I'm a block of stone that is being chipped away at to result in a beautifully crafted statue. As painful as the process may be, painstakingly slow, it is worth it.

I can pick out so many flaws in myself that need to be worked on, but this is the one thing that I am proud of myself for doing. For understanding or attempting to understand everything through the lens of God's wisdom. Even when I have called out to God, complaining, I am proud of myself that I have not called out to God questioning His judgment. Alhamdulillah for all that has been granted and for all that He has kept away.

An apt couplet from Ghalib:

غم ہستی کا اسدؔ کس سے ہو جز مرگ علاج

شمع ہر رنگ میں جلتی ہے سحر ہوتے تک

چندین چراغ دارد وبى راهه مى رود بگذار تا بیفتد وبیند، سزاى خویش

There is a way and a well and a seer and the sun for a person to look at.