⚠️: talk of thoughts of su*c*de
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i told myself i had to make it to the concert simply because id been waiting 14 years for it - i couldn’t miss it - not after all that time. if i still wanted to k*ll myself afterwards - that was fair game…
during trees i couldn’t help but cry, i had almost deprived myself of this and i wanted to soak it all in - i’d waited half my life to see twenty one pilots live, to experience this moment for myself. and looking back just a few days earlier - it all seemed to trivial in the face of this - a celebration of life.
i’ve never felt closer to god - not the big man in the sky - but….god - god to me, is more of a feeling,
feeling of being seen,
of being held,
a feeling of hope
and in that moment i was so close to god…it reminded me that this was the purpose, the celebration of the silent battles we all have in our rooms, alone, when no one is looking. the ones we don’t talk about as openly.
it sounds cliche but….its not something the average person can understand- waiting for 14 years for something you don’t even know will happen. and i have to stay alive - if only for the chance to get to see twenty one pilots again - i have to stay alive.
and this isn’t some elaborate cry for help - these lows are just something im stuck with between a mix of trauma and a chemical imbalance, the idea of death has become a very comforting friend in a macabre way - after living with something for 20 years, the only thing you can do is somehow “befriend” it.
and that low will come again as it always does - but not i have something to look back on, and something to look forward to hopefully.
i guess all this is to say….in the words of tyler, don’t k*ll yourself, its not worth it.
