Sketches of Her Mémoires

Sometimes it takes a long while to kinda finally sink in. As for me, it’s today. It has been a year 8 months today since my dad passed.

I went through life as is, i got sad and i sit with my emotions because they say to take time and grief. Take all the time you need and grief isn’t a linear journey. So i took my time. Some days everything’s fine, some days it all falls apart and other days i’m just in denial. I forget, i was careless. I pushed the grief aside to experience the joys of life. Then i felt guilty. Guilty for laughing too hard, for fully escalating my excitement, for being happy. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty, you see i know all these but i just can’t help it.

Anyways, it’s Eid today. Second one since. Last year i decided to celebrate even though he was gone, truthfully part of me felt numb but i didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to deal with it. So Eid goes on as per usual. No one asks me if i’m doing okay which was good.

Today though…

Days leading up to Eid was blessed with everything I needed. And it just seems fitting that today I needed to grief once again.

Ya Allah, forgive bapak for all his sins. Grant him your highest of Jannatul Firdaus. May we all reunite with him again in akhirah, Amin.

Been quiet around here for awhile. This space is reserved for when i’m feeling broken, usually. I realised i write better when the heart isn’t quite whole, heavy and filled with residues of grief.

It’s Eid Adha today.

Without Dad.

For the first time.

I felt guilty for being so occupied with life that sometimes i forgot he’s not around anymore, or choose not to focus on his absence. I feel like he is always here, in my mind. He is irrevocably, absent but never forgotten.

Been a minute huh? I’ve got to say i’m feeling slightly overwhelmed today. I have classes everyday and i’m commuting from one school to another, having short breaks at times in between where i’d take a breather. I have to say i usually live through my stress and push myself to a point I got exhausted and i’ll just sleep it off or bury myself on the couch with a good tv series. Stress takes a toll on you, you know? The more you keep it and breathe through it and pretend you’re okay the more it builds up. And then one day you just break, burst, combust or whatever is equivalent to finally letting it go.

Today was somewhat that day. It’s not as dramatic as you pictured, no i did not ugly cry or scream bloody murder but yes i let it go, half of it at least. Today was just a lot of rushing, walking, talking, worrying, panicking (silently) and I didn’t get the time to eat a proper meal until i got home at 5pm. All I can say is that eventually it turned out fine, we’re okay. But there are still other stuff I need to deal with. You know the kind of situation where you’re still dealing with one thing and then another thing comes in and it overlaps the first thing and it just keeps going? It’s like that. I told myself I can do this, i am an empowered woman. But guess what empowered women sometimes need someone empowering them. We’re not always headstrong, we’re all human. And so I let my guard down and be vulnerable to let all the negative things go. Taking a moment, or two, right now to just breathe and silencing my thoughts; the reason to having a blog so I could pen them and the mind shall be uplifted once more.

So here it is, my first blog post after a long while. It’s been an eventful absence, both good and not-so-great. I constantly feel myself aging into abyss but also tremendously grateful for all the experiences. Let me share some things with you;

I never would have thought that after a long hiatus from selling my art, i would be doing it again. 2023 Pantone Calendar was off to a good start, thanks to my small number of supporters who i truly appreciate. I enjoyed packing and creating, brings me so much joy.

Another good news, last year my niece got accepted to a university in Malaysia and i’m a super proud aunt. My niblings (nieces and nephews who are like siblings) grew up so fast, it was just yesterday they were babies. Half of them are adults now, adulting.

August 10, just 5 days before my birthday, i lost my dad. I am still dealing with it. Some days i don’t know how to feel, other days i cried at every little thing. I cried when i think of him, i cried when i watch shows and they started talking about death, i cried after watering my plants because my dad would’ve loved them. To see every little girl with her dad, that shit hurts. Life is so fragile, things happen so fast. I used to sat up on my bed, when i was still staying with my parents in the middle of the night afraid that i’d lose both of them. I’d watch my parents as they sleep just to make sure they’re still breathing and heaved a sigh of relief to witness their chest moving, then i’d go to bed. This year the worse happened, but i guess i was more ready to let him go. I accepted it. I knew his days weren’t for long and it’s okay. After all that’s being said, at least he’s not suffering anymore. I know my mum would think the same. He’s the greatest fighter, the best dad. We all miss and love him,

Life is hectic at times but most of it is just demotivational days, seems never-ending. I’ll pick up a pencil and a sketchbook to get productive and ended up scrolling on the phone for hours. Leaves me feeling weary and uninspired.

You were told to do and keep doing but you’re never told the “how”; how do you keep doing, how do you break cycles/routines, how do you deal with the lowest point of low? There’s no definite answer to that, our perspectives are different and the idea of productivity is pretty much subjective. Lately the world seems to close on me a little, but i pushed. It is so easy to just fled far away from home to forget, it is easy if you have that choice.

It is not all bad, i promise. It’s just taxing, this world. All these frustrations and madness affecting the mental state in ways you couldn’t define. Days and weeks are required to dissect these memories, issues, priorities.

Priorities. That’s the magic word. It determines what you’ll do today, tomorrow and every single day. Priorities are what makes you. It doesn’t have to be something that makes you happy but it is something important. Or at least something that is important to you. I guess we could look into that if we can’t answer our “how”.