a study in bullshit

change is such a distinctly weird thing like what do you mean that now instead of praying I'll throw up so I don't have to go to school I'm literally willing myself not to vomit while I'm walking to school because I made the mistake of drinking on a Sunday. And what do you mean I carry a lighter and ask if I can bum a cig off random strangers when I used to think smoking was disgusting and I'd never go near it. Amd what do you mean I'd rather spend my weekends in bed than cycling around my neighbourhood. And what do you mean I lie to my family like it's nothing when I physically couldn't a couple years ago. And what do you mean-

there's something distinctly weird about noticing the passage of time in a house you still live in. Like 10 years ago I sat at this exact table while my mother made school lunches and I ate breakfast with two older sisters while the other two were doing something I didn't know of probably still sleeping. 10 years ago I sat on the couch that has since been moved around the room no less than 5 times since then watching TV from a different TV than the current one. 10 years ago I shared a room with 2 rather than one other. 5 years ago I sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast deciding what to make for my own lunch while the sisters that had kept me company move on to other bigger schools. 5 years ago I walked to and from school on my own my mother no longer holding my hand whole walking across the road. 3 years ago my sister showed me how to get to a new school the old left behind with promises of visits that would never happen. 3 years ago i was quickly regretting my short haircut and how it stood out. 3 years ago I made new friends forgetting the old ones who had drifted to other new schools. Now I sit at this table eating breakfast alone as always waiting on texts of when to meet and where. Now I don't eat lunch outside of the school year so there's no thoughts of it other than in passing. Now my old promises of never drinking or smoking have long since been broken and thoughts of amounts of money are no longer for sweets and fizzy drinks but now for seeing if I have enough to convince a sister to get vodka or buy smokes or a vape for friends. I now exactly how the way I interact with this house has changed but I'm never exactly sure when. passage of time is gross