finally

1. The scary adult business place is just as scared of you as you are of it, just stay calm

2. There is always someone stupider than you and they've probably already done the stupidest thing you're scared of doing, don't worry about it

3. If you're playing, play fair. If you're fighting, fight dirty- don't mix that shit up.

4. Don't stick your dick in crazy

5. Highschool doesn't matter and everyone around you is a dumb child. Get what you need to graduate, use all the free shit, and have fun.

6. Don't worry about acing the class- just pass the class. Just passing is good enough.

7. Adults don't know what the fuck they're doing half the time, but they're scared of you finding out so don't call them on it or they'll double down

8. Eat all the garbage food you want NOW because when you get to Puberty: The Final Chapter you'll start tasting the weird chemical shit and it won't feel as good

9. The vast majority of your government couldn't find it's ass with both hands, they fuck up all the time and at some point they'll fuck up with you. Just roll with it.

10. When in doubt, go with your gut. People who go with their gut survive. The ones that don't survive don't talk about not surviving because they're dead. It's actually kind of 50/50

11. Get punched at least once so you know if you can handle it

12. If you know something is going to make you sick, don't do it.

13. Fear is your friend and they want you to be safe, but sometimes your friend is controlling and overbearing and you need to enforce your fucking boundaries. Jesus Christ, I'm not going to die at the grocery store

14. What doesn't kill you makes for a good story to tell at parties

15. As an extension of 14, sometimes when multiple choices lay ahead, you have to go with the one that makes the better story.

16. Don't do anything when you're angry. Wait ten minutes and then do something. Maybe even take a nap first.

17. Most things aren't such a big deal after a nap, a shower, a snack, or a glass of water.

18. If someone you love were to die tomorrow, what's the one thing you'd want them to know? Tell them that. More than once, if necessary. Whenever the impulse strikes.

19. Do Not Buy Dollar Store Peanut Butter. I Cannot Stress This Enough. Do Not Buy Dollar Store Peanut Butter.

20. Don't cheap out on garbage bags.

21. There is a quiet, noble dignity in humble work. Respect that.

22. Respect is not a thing that can be demanded, dignity is not a thing you can bottle, and all the knowledge and talent in the world can't buy joy if you're an asshole.

23. The ultimate punishment that comes to all unrepentantly mean and cruel people is that they are doomed to waste their life being a mean and cruel person.

24. Everything weird you loved as a kid is still awesome and there's nothing stopping you from going back.

25. Wash your plate as soon as you're done with it.

26. You can use the toddler's brand bubblegum toothpaste if you think the mint shit is nasty

27. This isn't advice it's a threat but if you piss all over the communal toilet seat and don't clean up after yourself I'm going to hunt you down John Wick style and snap your legs like pretzel sticks

28. Find an entertaining physical hobby, it'll do wonders for your mental health.

29. Anger is a positive emotion, just don't let it control you.

30. Glitter isn't annoying it's beautiful and it belongs everywhere

31. Sometimes people aren't misunderstood, they're just unpleasant

32. If something new isn't willing to meet you halfway, you don't need them.

33. Never paint a room lavender, it always ends up looking grey after a while and it's depressing as shit yo

34. Again I cannot stress this enough if I walk into a bathroom and find piss all over the toilet seat I'm not even going to bother asking you to take care of it I'm just going to nuke the house from orbit and take us both out at once, don't fucking leave piss all over the fucking seat