The Wandering

Hello wandering souls, if there’s any of yous around, bored and actually interested in my blog. I titled this one a life update, even though when I started the blog I told myself to keep my personal life out of it, I just couldn’t. And uh well.. simply because sometimes there’s really no one else listening. My life has really been crazy, and like more so than usual. It has really had an effect on my mental health. I haven’t been myself in a long time and I hide it well from everyone around me. Only one person sees through me but they don’t deserve to carry my burden and sometimes it’s just not that easy to explain. I have been in a dark place that I don’t recognize, except maybe a little piece of me does. I don’t know where this place is or where it came from but it kinda has always just existed somewhere in me. My heart aches when I’m in this place, I feel it, heavy like it might explode and give out on me. It hurts...but it’s a different type of hurt. The hurt that fills you with sorrow, a deep sadness and you don’t even know why and it makes you cry, sometimes so hard the air escapes and you gasp for a breath but you can’t even describe why you were even upset. That was almost poetic except it describes something that feels like death, like a part of you dies inside but you’re still alive. And you carry on day in and day out, going to school, to work, to wherever, and it follows you because you can’t ditch your mind. And when you least expect it you feel that first ping of hurt in your chest and you know the attack is coming so you carry the pain, you almost embrace it while you wait for the storm. And when you think it’s done, it’s not because the night comes and it that’s when it thrives. Especially when you’re alone at night and there’s no one to save you but then you remember there never actually is someone to save you even in the daylight. You have to save yourself and it’s really hard, especially when giving up is just so easy. I don’t know if anyone else knows of this place or ..maybe you’re there too. I’m finding my way out of it and getting back to myself...you should too. Until next time, maybe I’ll see you in passing from this place..

Sincerely,

My birthday just passed.. another year same mess. I’ve been up late thinking a lot. Nothing’s changed.. still lost and i guess that’s okay..

Sincerely,

No name,  

no face,  

no trace.  

What would people say about me if it all ended today?

Where would I cross their mind, if ever?

Would it be a scent or a song that was the trigger?

Maybe both, maybe neither.  

Did they ever really know me?  

I don’t think they did.  

Nobody talks about the little things when somebody dies,  

but they really should because who wants to just be another one who was ‘smart’ and ‘pretty.’

They won’t remember me for the way I watched the moon at a distance.  

Even though I’m a “look at the moon” type of person.  

They’ll talk about my outpouring personality when truly I’m quite quiet.  

And just to show how much they really loved me,  

they’ll mention my accomplishments and how proud those made them.  

But they won’t talk about who I really was.

I’d rather they mention how I loved the sun as much as the moon.

And that music moved my soul,  

art cradled it,  

and the rain put it to rest.  

Sunflowers are also a part of that list.  

Maybe they will remember me for the way that I spoke,  

the way that I wrote.  

Maybe they’ll find my writing online,

and think I was so ahead of my time,

but when in the time,

I felt like nobody at all..

Ps: I’m sorry lost souls it’s been too long, I’ve just been more lost than usual..

Sincerely,

Happy 4/20 lost souls

Sincerely,

The key to finding the perfect lover doesn’t come in black and white.  

You have to search for all the right things and

your search will lead you high and low,  

maybe in circles,  

maybe nowhere at all.  

But in your search if you find the one,  

Your heart will add just an extra beat, it’ll start to pulse harder in their presence.  

It’ll stir your emotions and you’ll tell yourself to chill out,  

but you can’t.  

Your face will heat up with a light blush and you won’t even know why.  

You’ll start to form and shape your feelings into this concept

We believe is love.  

You’ll be scared and that’ll puncture your heart,  

but you just can’t give up.

Something tells you it’s worth the wait no matter how long,

and if they happen to come with big beautiful brown eyes,

you’re in for a real treat,  

because those eyes will make you weak,  

in only 2 minutes time.  

When all these things come perfectly together,

you’ve completed the recipe to a perfect lover.  

Sincerely,

Sunflower still grows at night 🌻🌙

Sincerely,

It’s already 12 am.

My eyes sting worse than when you're in a pool full of chlorine and decide to go underwater and open them,

and yet I just can't sleep.  

I’m caught up by the whirling thoughts in my mind that you shouldn’t be thinking about at this time,  

Like why am I so lonely?

Why am I so hard to love?

Why hasn’t anyone checked on me?  

I haven't been myself in months.

I roll over and close my eyes.

Awake again, it’s 3 am.

The loneliness submerges me this time,

I feel like I’m drowning faster than I can think.  

You're fine, you're fine, you're loved, its okay,  

Tomorrow you’ll open your eyes to a new day.  

But it's never that easy, like everyone thinks.  

I roll over to the other side and close my eyes.  

Awake this time to the blaring alarm signaling it's time,  

and I go another night feeling like I haven’t slept a single one.

Sincerely,

He put both his hands on the inside of my thighs,

looked at me with those big brown eyes,

then laid his head down on my chest without saying a word.

I played with his hair.

We both looked up at the sky.

Stared at all the stars glistening seamlessly,

and found ourselves in the smallest sliver of the already crescent moon.

He said to me,

I could fall asleep right here

and I knew that meant his soul was at peace

and that put my heart at rest.

Sincerely,

I looked out the window and the rain was really coming down, harder than it has in a long time. I’ve always had a thing for the rain, it helps me think. Everything in my head. All these thoughts, all the words that got away, all these things I didn’t do today, all the tasks i left unfinished. I’m fighting my mind, it fights back, and its winning. I’m getting worked up. I'm shaking and I can't help it. I feel the anxiety climbing new heights as loud crashes of thunder signal that the storm is intensifying. Just when I think I’m over it, I’m not and im back to square one but worse, if it could get any. I take a couple deep breaths, start to calm down. My breathing matches the now slow pitter patter of rain hitting the window pane. I get up and look out the window again and the rain has stopped, the thunder is gone and the storm has passed.

Sincerely,

Welcome lost souls to my blog,

This first poem is called lust, hope you enjoy

        Lust

Drowning in a river,

its her own tears.

She’s fallen again,

the devil in both her ears.

She’s never truly happy with the life she lives,

so she hits another blunt,

pops another pill and tries again.

The money, the fame, the expensive car,

the wrong one, the wrong time, it’s always too far.

When she comes to think of it, it wasn’t love all along,

it was lust for a place she didn’t belong.

Sincerely,