a demi disaster resides here

But despite the invisibility, aspec people are actually doing quite a lot of things that will piss off queerphobic, right-wing and religious people (and hell, even left-wing people). And the most obvious point is that we are actively not performing heterosexuality the way they want us to. People who's entire world view is "cis men and women should be in monogamous, heterosexual marriage and have (white) babies" are not going to lean back and say "oh but those asexuals and aromantics are fine". They will also hate our guts, and they will come up with all sorts of reasons, including insinuating we're all secretly into bestiality, or mentally ill, or not human, or attention seeking children. It's just plain old queerphobia, and like all queerphobia, there's no inherent logic to it which you can worm your way out of by "not doing anything".

And like, there's a lot more that aspec people do which people hate. Raising awareness about amatonormativity? People feel attacked, they hate it. Asexual people having sex? Or not having sex? People hate it! Aromantic people being in (seemingly) romantic relationships? People fucking hate it! Aromantic people having sex? Ohh people hate that!!

and I did not do it with grace. I did not do it softly. I did not do it kindly. But I did it because I could no longer stand by and be a quiet/acceptable gay when the next generation was watching their future burn.

I came out to my mother in an awful in-your-face. I-dare-you-to-be-a-bigot way. Because I could. Because for the first time in my life I am free of having anyone relying on me.

I came out to my family. Because I watch as half my niblings have come out to me and are terrified as my siblings spout anti-gay rhetoric. I came out to my family and hope I paved the way for those young eyes who are watching their parents closely to gauge their reaction. The way I once watched my parents reacting to Ellen coming out and knew it was not safe.

I came out the day after the election to a family that voted for Trump.

I came out angry that I will be attending more funerals.

I came out feral and biting.

I did not come out gracefully.

I did not come out kindly.

I did not come out softly or quietly or acceptably*probably not a word*

I will be gay out loud.

For me

For those who would not be safe if they came out

We forget pride is not about love.

Pride is a bloody fight for survival against those who would be happy to watch us burn.

I came out

Alright, so. Coffee. I don’t drink coffee. I have no desire to drink coffee. I find people who enthusiastically go on about the flavor differences of lattes, espressos, and french press brews, both amusing and mildly baffling. All the coffee ads. Coffee jokes. Bustling coffee shops. To me, all coffee is similarly bitter and unpleasant. I have been through so many “Try this, it’s sweet! You can’t even taste the coffee!”  Alas, I always can. And I’m  sensitive to caffeine anyway. So, I don’t really think about drinking it when I wake up or am tired.

 Yet I love the smell of coffee. I love the idea of coffee. The feeling of a warm cup taking the chill from my fingers, the cozy ritual of having a drink and chat. I might try someone’s coffee. If they ask, if I want to please them and share in something they enjoy. I am also perfectly capable of learning the preferences of those I care about and creating a cup for their pleasure. 

But I don’t want coffee, generally speaking. I will probably make a face after trying their coffee and wash the taste out with something else. They may rush to reassure me that it is an acquired taste. And I’ll have to reply that it’s a taste I don’t particularly care about acquiring in the way they did. ‘Drink it till you like it’ will never work for me.

You are in a kitchen, opening a pantry door. It contains every brand of cereal in existence.

Libido- How hungry you are

Sexual Attraction- How appealing each cereal is to you

Sex-Repulsed- The mere act of eating cereal disturbs you. You flee the kitchen to watch Netflix instead.

Sex-Indifferent- Someone brings you a bowl of cereal. Even though you don’t crave cereal, you decide to eat some anyway. Maybe because you want the person to feel happy you’re eating something they provided you. Maybe you’re just that hungry. Regardless, you’re fine with eating it since it’s already there. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t care either.

Sex-favorable- Though you don’t particularly crave cereal, the act of eating cereal is enjoyable. So enjoyable, you go through the trouble of picking a brand to eat.

Asexual with low/no libido- You are rarely hungry, and none of the cereal appeals to you.

Asexual with average/high libido- You are often hungry, but none of the cereal appeals to you.

Aegosexual-  Eating cereal sounds fun in theory but not in practice. You certainly have no interest in eating cereal yourself. You’d rather fantasize about other people eating cereal, thankyouverymuch. 

Gray Asexual- You only like Lucky Charms and Apple Jacks. And maybe Fruity Pebbles but you’re not quite sure.

Demisexual- You see a box of Trix. You are familiar with the rabbit on the box, due to the commercials you’ve seen. You always sympathized with the rabbit for never getting any Trix. There are things in life you’ve wanted but have never gotten. You feel a bond with the rabbit. Suddenly that box of Trix looks tasty.

Fraysexual- You see a box of Cocoa Puffs. You have never heard of Cocoa Puffs in your life. But something about it is oh-so-appealing. You pour yourself a bowl. As you start to eat, you catch a commercial for Cocoa Puffs on TV. You now know what the mascot on the box is like. You lose interest in Cocoa Puffs for reasons you cannot explain.

Lithosexual- You notice a box of Fruit Loops. You feel an urge to eat it. Toucan Sam comes to life and asks you to eat them. This makes you uncomfortable, so you leave to watch Netflix with the sex-repulsed ace.

Reciprosexual- You have no interest in any of the cereal. Not even that box of Frosted Flakes. But Tony the Tiger shows up wanting you to eat the Frosted Flakes. Now that he wants you to eat Frosted Flakes, you want to eat Frosted Flakes. 

Cupiosexual- You want to eat cereal, but none of the cereal looks appealing. Maybe if you grab that box of Corn Flakes, it’ll become appealing to you later? It’s happened to other people. You consider grabbing that box of Corn Flakes, just in case.

Orchidsexual- Some of the cereal looks appealing, but you have no interest in eating cereal.

Aceflux- None of the cereal looks good, so you close the pantry. A few days later, you decide to open the pantry again. Now, some of those brands look appetizing. You check the pantry again the next day. None of the cereal looks good anymore.

{you don’t have to be 100% sure you’re asexual to be welcome in the community}

Of course it’s more complicated than that but i know lesbians who previously identified as ace, or bi, i know bi people who previously identified as lesbians, im ace myself and i previously identified as a lesbian, then bi.

Its a complicated situation, and ms. monroe definitely would have had a pretty difficult time navigating this self discovery. Its important to have this conversation, but ascribing identies to someone who isn’t here to define herself in late 20th-early 21st century terms isnt really the best course of action.

Aesthetic attraction: “I want to look at you.” You think someone is beautiful, very pleasing to the eye, but you feel no desire to touch them.

Sensual attraction: “I want to cuddle you.” You feel a great deal of affection towards someone and you want to hug them, hold them, perhaps kiss them, but with your hands never straying below the belt.

Sexual attraction: “I want to fuck you.” You want to do things of an explicitly sexual nature with someone.

Why is this distinction important? Because I didn’t realize I was demisexual until the age of 27 because all my life I thought that aesthetic + sensual attraction was the same thing as sexual attraction. I always thought that finding someone beautiful and wanting to touch or kiss them was sexual attraction, but realizing that it’s not, that sexual attraction means actually desiring sexual acts with a person, has changed my life and explained so many things. When I was figuring this out, a number of other people commented that they felt the exact same as me, so I think this is some pretty important stuff to spread around.

Aromantics

Gray-aromantics

Demiromantics

Cupioromantics

Quoiromantics

Lithromantics

Aroaces

Alloaros

Arospec polyamorous people

Arospec acespec people

Arospec people who are in or want to be in QPRs

Arospec people who aren’t in or don’t want to be in QPRs

Arospec POC

Arospec people regardless of whether they enjoy or are repulsed by affection/flirting/relationships

Arospec people who date

Arospec people who don’t date

Arospec people who don’t know they’re arospec

People questioning being arospec

Arospec people questioning their identity

Arospec people of all genders and orientations

Arospec people who like being arospec

Arospec people who don’t like being arospec

Arospec people who struggle with their attraction and/or identity

I’m calling this segment

shoutout to my pro-cake acespecs!

shoutout to my pro-space acespecs!

shoutout to my pro-ace card acespecs!