discontinued!! cha (18+) ˚ೃ࿔𖦹

it's late into the night, but xiao knows far too well that you'd be wide awake.

months after months after months of memorizing your schedule (and how you exist and traverse through your days in general) gives him a keen sense of intuition to know what exactly you're doing most of the time, or atleast a vague sense of understanding of your daily schedule you fall into out of habit.

plus, you texted alatus a few minutes prior, so whether or not you were awake right now is already a given, but xiao likes to pride himself in the thought that he would've known either way.

xiao sits at his desk that's positioned right infront of the windows, fishing out his cell phone from his pocket. he wastes no time dialing your number, pressing the digits into his phone with hast as though they're memorized by heart. he presses the phone up to his ear after hitting the call button, nails digging into the sweats he changed into when he got home. ring. rinnng. rinnnnnggg.

it doesn't take long for you to pick up.

"hello?"

it's only one word (and a pretty basic one at that), but xiao can already hear the soft underlying shyness of your voice. cute. you've always been a nervous little thing around those you weren't close to. ^%%^

your voice sends him into a state of bliss, so much so his brain is too foggy to reply until you coo out another hello.

"hey, it's alー ...xiao, from professor zhongli's class," xiao almost slips up by saying the name you know him much better by. xiao clicks a pen laying on his desk out of nervous habbit. "you, uh, gave me your number earlier today," he says it less as a remainder to you, but instead as a remainder to himself. of course, xiao technically already has a way to contact you, but this is different. this is him contacting you, the real him, not some fucking persona hiding beneath a mask, not alatus, but him, and he hadn't done a single thing to truly earn it but just be there at the right place, right time.

he's always known about your struggles in zhongli's classー hell, you tell 'him' all about your stresses and worries all the time, and him and zhongli had been in the talks of becoming your tutor for awhile now, but he never thought it'd actually happen.

maybe the universe was rewarding him for being so patient. best of all? this whole ordeal means that even if things don't work out the greatest on sunday, you still have a reason to keep coming back to him.

today simply couldn't get better than this. your number and a piece of clothing belonging to you all in one day. he couldn't ask for more.

except he can. greed is an awful thing, isn't it?

"oh, yes, xiao! sorry, I wasn't expecting you to call so soon. w-what can I do for you?"

you adress him so properly compared to how you address alatus. the way you say his name, his real name, sends him into a state of bliss. god, is it weird to say that he thinks you're perfect over such a little conversation?

click, click, click.

"does tomorrow work for you?"

"what?"

"for a tutoring session. would you be able to make it tomorrow?"

"oh, yes, of course! sorry," you let out a nervous little laugh. xiao can just picture the smile you have on your face, all shy and awkward and cute. "I wasn't expecting you to set something up so quickly. I'm grateful though."

xiao would make the tutoring session today during the dead of night if he could, of course he would set something up so quickly.

you don't need to know that, though.

xiao hums at your words. "we can have our session at my place, if you're comfortable with that, but we can have it somewhere else too."

"t-that'd be great, yeah. whatever works for you works for me."

"I'll text you the address and the time, then."

"thank you so much again." it should be him thanking you, really.

"of course. goodnight."

xiao ends the call, leaning back in his chair with a smile on his face. for once, he can't wait until tomorrow comes.

ーーー NEW MESSAGE ーーー ☆

[name]: I don't think you understand how nervous I am right now

[name]: my hands are shaking and everything

alatus: why? is something wrong?

[name]: you know how I told you how I wasn't doing the greatest when it came to uni stuff?

alatus: of course. did something happen?

[name]: the most intimidating guy I've ever met in my life is my tutor now

[name]: and I swear I'm gonna end up crying by the end of the session.

alatus: I'm sure you'll be fine. he's probably not that bad. just give things a chance, okay?

[name]: you're only saying that because you've never seen him glare at you for existing like he has to me.

[name]: ...but I'll give things a try nonetheless.

alatus: tell me how things go, okay?

ーーー☆

xiao's home was, to put it simply, amazing.

you were awestruck as soon as you stepped into the small but gorgeous studio apartment, shocked by both jealousy and the thought of how someone could possibly afford such an apartment, especially as a college student. no matter how xiao manages to afford his place, though, his home daunts over you. there's a large window that lines the wall his bed and desk are propped up against and you can't help but imagine just how xiao would look as he looked out of it and at the bustling city. the glass is frosted and wet from the pitter pattering rain that seems to persist in the cool weather of october. it's a little messy, books scattered about here and there and takeout bags littering the table, but it's nothing too bad at all.

there's so many things inside his house, so many things your eyes are drawn to, like his big bookcase and expensive computer setup, and yet it feels so... lonely. devoid of life, even. maybe it's the look of the gloomy black walls and the fact that the only lighting xiao has is a tall floor lamp and the light that comes through his window, but you've never seen such a full home feel so empty. no plants except for one little succulent that's looking worse for wear, no pets to breathe life into the place, no partner to help make this house a home. nothing.

you're suddenly grateful you have such a lively roommate, as much of a pain venti can be sometimes.

it's been a few minutes since xiao had let you in, greeting you in his comfy hoody and baggy pants, hair put up into a messy bun, before attending to something on his computer (an important email you think, or atleast something along those likes, something urgent), telling you to sit wherever you'd like and that he'll be with you shortly. you had nodded, asking him if his bed would be a seat he's okay with you being on, garnering a hum in response from him.

"I'll, uh, sit here, since it'll be close to you and stuff," you laugh nervously as you plop yourself onto xiao's bed, placing your bag at your feet infront of the bed for easy access. xiao takes what's meant to be a quick glance at you, but he's unable to look away.

he knows it's creepy to say, especially when you're just sitting down so innocently, but the sight is better than what he's fantasized about. he's thought of you so many times in his bed, cuddling with him and running your hands through his hair and letting him press kisses into your face and collar bones. he's thought about waking you up with breakfast and how you'd smile and thank him even if he can't cook very well, but he's willing to learn a couple recipes for you. he's thought about laying there with you after a long day, letting you ramble as he listened like he does as alatus. he's thought about how he'd great you once he comes home like you probably do with venti, watching your form as he wait on his bed for him. he's even thought about the way your body would melt into and grip the mattress when he gets the chance to slip inside of you out of bliss.

and, most of all, he's thought about the way you'd cry and sob and call him a monster once the day that you find out that his bed is now yours and that this apartment is now your home, trapped forever with him, finally comes.

one day you'll be here permanently, he's sure of it. baby steps first, though.

jesus, he loves you.

xiao doesn't realize that in the midst of his thinking, he's been absolutely staring you down, and considering that xiao has a naturally viscous (bitchy) looking resting face, you can't help but squirm under his gaze. "xiao? I can... move, if you'd like."

"no, I just... sorry, I zoned out for a second. you can stay there if it feels comfortable."

you nod at his words, albiet a little hesitantly, further settling into the soft plush of his bed. your brain is still convinced that he might want you to move, but you decide to just stay where you are. you reach down from your seat, pulling out your pencil bag, something to write on just incase, and your textbook from your bookbag, waiting patiently for instructions. the soft clicking of xiao's keyboard and the sound of rain hitting against the window fill the otherwise silent room, and honestly, given the atmosphere and the way xiao's room is so dark and cozy and how warm and inviting his bed is, you're tempted to fall asleep.

xiao's presence, though nerve-wracking, makes you feel at home. you wouldn't mind falling asleep near him again.

but today's sadly not the day for resting. xiao finishes whatever he's working on, closing out of the tab and turning his chair to face your spot on the bed. he brushes a piece of his hair back and out of the way, uncovering the eyebrow piercing the bothersome piece had previously hid. his eyes look dead, tired dark circles laying underneath, and yet he still forces himself to speak, like a zombie who simply refuses to just give up and die.

"did you have anything specific in mind that you want to go over?"

"I don't know. maybe everything? I'm not so sure."

"on the back of your textbook, there's a study guide that covers all the chapters inside." he gently motions for you to give him the book sitting on your lap, and his breath hitches softlyI want you to do the questions of the study guide that cover the chapters we've already read in class. then I'll... assess you from there, and we can come up with a plan."

you nod, moving to get to work immediately, putting your full effort into the task at hand. you both work silently, xiao clicking at his keys alongside the noise of you flipping through the pages of your textbook and jotting answers down. the noises compliment one another well, creating a lingering sense of peace and calm in the air. you find yourself getting stuck on one or two of the questions, but breezing through the rest, and after awhile of working, you gently speak his name, alerting him that you've finished.

your heart is close to running out of your chest from how hard it pounds as he reads through your answers, analyzing each and every single written word.

xiao then proceeds to say the most soul-crushing words imaginable.

"you... need a lot of brushing up on the content, and your answers lack good explanations and reasoning." he hands you back your work, sending you a sympathetic look. "I can see why professor zhongli believes you need help."

it's the hardest lie xiao's ever had to tell, but you take his words as the absolute truth.

oh god.

for some reason you feel yourself tear up. you thought that maybe, just maybe, zhongli was simply just messing with you, that you were actually good at school. but there's a stark sense of embarrassment that comes from xiao, of all people, reaffirming what zhongli had said, an embarrassment so strong it sends your cheeks ablaze with heat. you can't help but dig your nails into your curled up hands as you shakily nod along to his words despite the way your head almost feels too heavy to lift, avoiding eye contact lest he sees you cry over something so... silly, a miniscule problem at best, something fixable with a bit of elbow grease and time, and yet it means way more than it should to you.

fuck, you really did suck.

"I think we'll need a couple more sessions than we discussed earlier," he mumbles, flipping through his own textbook, face in his hand as he thinks. "I want to make sure we can get as much content covered as possible before the end of the semester and catch you back up, since you seem to be..." xiao takes a quick glance at you, and for a moment, just a split second, he sees you, sees inside of you, sees every little thing you've been keeping bottled up, your fear. he looks away, breath hitching out of complete and utter guilt. he forces himself to continue though.

"...behind," he finishes, the single word said notably softer than the rest of the sentence.

xiao forces himself to swallow down his guilt. truly, he feels terrible about lying about this, because you clearly seem to be doing just fine on you own and lord knows how much stress this entire ordeal is causing you, but what's the use of being presented and blessed by the gods themselves with such an amazing opportunity if his sinning hands can't take it out of greed? xiao hates it, but he's always been more of a taker than a giver, taking all he can from people and leaving nothing left of them.

the simple pure utter bliss at the thought of spending hours and hours with you, in his room, alone, intimately and in person instead of just being with you through a phone screen, extinguishes any guilt he could possibily feel.

you, on the otherhand, do allow yourself to feel guilt, though it's a feeling that has much more innocent roots than what xiao feels. it's a feeling that pokes and stabs at you as you fumble for words to say. you're a much better person than xiao is in that regard. you can't help but to feel ashamed, ashamed that you were doing so terrible at a course that goes directly into your major that you would have to force xiaoー a man renowned for being a lonerー who surely would rather spend his free time by himself and not tutoring someone so out of your realm and element as you are.

maybe it's not too late after all to consider switch majors, you think.

"you seriously don't have to do that, I don't want to take more time from you than I'm already taking. honestly, I think I'm a bit of a lost cause at this point if I can't even do the simplier questions."

the truth is, not even xiao knows how scared you are. fear and dread soars through your body at the thought of ending up in the same spot you were in last year.

xiao lets out a sigh through his nose at your words, a noise that does nothing other than make you feel worse, especially when you can't read his emotions and tell what's going on in that labyrinth of a brain he has. maybe he's realized that you're not worth spending his time. maybe you really are a loss cause. maybe you really should change your major. maybe you should call it quits and drop out. maybe you should move countries, marry a rich doctor or a lawyer and spend the rest of your days as a glorified housespー

xiao doesn't let you finish your thoughts (plans), instead getting up from his chair slowly. "let's take a break." he says, and while you feel a break is a little undeserved after you haven't done much studying, you nod, thinking it might be best to just relax before jumping back into things. "taking things slowly is the best way to do things," you nod, although the words just barely register themselves in your head. you're surprisingly vulnerable with him.

"I'm... going to go get some snacks at the store nearby. I'll, uh, give you some time for yourself to... think." you nod, giving him a small and meek thank you, genuinely so utterly grateful for all that xiao has done and will do for you, even if the truth hurts. you can't help yourself from bothering him just once more before he leaves, though.

"xiao?" you can't look up at him, eyes fixated on your answers and what must've been so wrong with them. you hear him hum, beckoning you to continue.

"do you... do you think that... that I'll be able to pass in the end?"

"of course you will," he answers, and it's the first truth he's said all day.

"of course," he mumbles, this time lower, a reminder to himself of how you'd be completely fine on your own, and that he should never, ever take this opportunity for granted.

he makes a promise to himself that he won't.

----- NEW TEXT MESSAGE -----☆

zhongli: hello, [name]. xiao informed me earlier today that you two will be conducting your first study session today. I'm glad you spoke to him about tutoring like I had advised you to. how are things going?

[name]: it's going fine, he mostly just reaffirmed what you already told me though. but he's been really kind about it all, I'm grateful that he agreed to help me out.

zhongli: I see. I hope that he could give you a new perspective on things and aid you in your weak spots. xiao is an amazing student in his own right, and I'm sure that together, you two will make an amazing team. I'm glad you two are getting along.

zhongli: little heads up for a future assignment, but there will be a project upcoming where I'll be sure to partner you two up. I'm sure you two will impress me on what you come up with.

zhongli: I believe in you, [name], and I expect good things coming foward.

zhongli: oh, and I'm sure that xiao is grateful as well :)

[name]: thank you.

[name]: I hope to meet your standards as best as I can.

-----☆

the apartment is even quieter than it was before without xiao.

it's lonely, too.

in a way, you used this little moment to yourself as a justification and way to figure out just what exactly is the enigma that is xiao. now that you're by yourself, you find yourself looking around at his walls, glancing over at his corkboard that seems to have a bunch of what looks to be memorabilia of all sorts, stuff like old music concert tickets of local bands you've never heard of, polaroids with some familiar places and even some of his and your mutual (and not mutual) friends, post-it note scribbles of different tasks he has to get done, among other things.

you visualize yourself looking at the corkboard as though it's those ones in those crime movies, where you're using red yarn to connect the pieces of a story together, figuring out with all the clues you have at your disposal who xiao is.

there's other things, too. posters lining the wall and a singular cat shaped plushie on his bed, a wilted bouquet of flowers in a vase on his kitchen countertop meant for decoration, various little knick knacks on his desk, but the part of his room that catches your eye most, though, is his large, expansive bookshelf filled (a little messily) with a variety of different things, almost all of it stuff you actually recognize.

there holds vinyls from your favorite musicians, artbooks of your favorite shows, novels and books among other forms of literature, hell, even some figures decorating the shelves. if it weren't for something else hidden almost hastily and haphazardly ontop of the bookshelf catching your eye, you would have been sent into a jealous rage at just how much cool stuff xiao owns.

there at the top of the bookshelf mocking you sits a familiar thin, brown piece of fabric, one that looks suspiciously like the scarf you had lost yesterday.

holy shit. is that your...? no, it can't be your scarf. there's simply no way.

yep. there's no way... but you'd know for sure if it has its signature 'v ♡' written in green ink on the tag. no harm in checking, right?

your finger tips just barely grace against the soft brown fabric before you're forced to recoil at the sound of the front door opening. your breath hitches and your hand quickly slaps against your side out of fear of being seen snooping through xiao's things, as if you were a child being caught with their hand down the cookie jar.

you turn towards the source of the noise that nearly made you have a heart attack, watching xiao step through the door and slide off his shoes before locking the door behind him. two brown bags in his hand filled with snacks accompany him and he barely paying you mind as he sets them down near by, which you should have taken as an opportunity to make yourself look a little less inconspicuous, but instead you can't help but stare at him like a deer caught in headlights.

"uh," xiao finally looks at you at the sound of your voice, and he forces his eyes not to widen out of fear at the sight of you next to his bookshelf.

"you have a... a really amazing collection of... stuff." xiao swallows thickly, moving to put the bags down on the table. he mumbles out a thank you, refusing to make eyecontact with you. you can't see it, but his heart is threatening to leap out of his chest even more than your own heart is.

you, for some reason, decide to just bite the bullet and ask about what you found.

"hey, xiao? is this scarf..." xiao immediately freezes at your words, completely stopping him in his tracks. "is this scarf mine?" you point up at the top of his bookshelf where the fabric dangles, almost calling you to it. you realize quickly how odd it may seem to him that you even found such a thing in the first place, especially if it really isn't yours. you're quick to scramble up an explanation, even though you really don't have to.

the last thing you want is for xiao to think you're a creep.

"I-I promise I didn't mean to snoop around or anything! it's just that I thought your stuff was really cool and then I saw it from the corner of my eye and thenー"

"yeah, it is." he cuts you off. stoicly, he walks up to you, still avoiding your gaze as he reaches up and grabs the scarf, handing it to you. you don't notice the way his hands shake as he does so. "I'm sorry. I was supposed to give it back sooner, but I guess it just escaped me."

"oh." you say, feeling the soft fabric and the relief of finding your precious item wash over you. thank god. you were sure venti was going to kill you if he found out you lost the scarf he gifted to you long ago. xiao continues, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "i-it was on the floor underneath your seat. I found it sometime after you left."

how many lies can one man tell in a single day? xiao seems to be trying to find that limit.

under the seat? you could've sworn you checked under the seat thoroughly. that doesn't add up correctly in your head. oh well. atleast you have your scarf back, and that's all that really matters.

"I'm grateful you have it. I thought I'd never see it again. thank you so much, xiao. you've done more for me in a day than I could ever repay you for." you laugh, this time a lot less shyly than any of the other times you've laughed today. it's an angelic noise, one xiao savours as he hears it.

xiao's also grateful, grateful that you actually believe that story.

xiao nods, moving back to his computer, still feeling shakey after that encounter. "we should get back to studying soon. there's still a lot of ground I want to cover for today. you can have some snacks first though, if you'd like."

"right. of course. thank you, xiao."

xiao doesn't deserve any of your thanks.

ーーー☆

it's late into the night when you're awakened rudely with a soft few knocks against your bedroom door, a sound that accompanies the harsh howling winds against the window.

you can't help but groan as you stir awake, upset to be forced out of your dream state, although that irritation is soon replaced with guilt once you realize just why you were being awakened with such urgency in the first place. after whining out a loud, 'come in,' you peak your eyes open to see your bestfriend standing in your doorway, tears staining his face so much that they're visible even in the darkness.

shit. it's been so long since you've seen venti like this. you thought all of that was over a year ago.

"can I sleep with you tonight?" his voice is shakey yet gentle, filled with fear and something that else that you can only label as... need, as if he needs you more than he ever has. just his voice alone, paired with the way he looks so tiny in the doorway while he's shivering and fiddling with his pajamas, hair looking almost as distraught as he's feeling, is enough to have you too stunned to speak.

"please?" he adds on when you don't reply immediately.

you nod, scooting over to make room for him as he slowly trudges to your bed like hes done many times before. he's quick to settle in under the covers with you, laying against the plush pillow underneath him. you're quick to move closer to him as though it's instinct, an action done out of retained muscle memory from the many nights you've spent doing this exact thing. your eyes, though half lidded and heavy, trace over his face over and over again, noting how his eyes look back at you and you can't help but think that venti is such an expressive person. even if he's so silent right now, his eyes are cloudy and storming, speaking a thousand words with the thunder that rings out within them.

he looks like he's trying to think of what to say, but he doesn't need to say a single thing. you already know why he's here.

his face is controted in a way that almost showcases utter agony, and it hurts, hurts to see your bestfriend suffering, especially when the best you can do is guide your hand softly against the smooth the skin of his cheek and brushing away any tears in pity. if nothing else, you truly do hope that, at the very least, your presence can help.

“do you maybe want to talk about it?” you run your hand through his soft, pretty dyed blue locks that seem to almost glow in the moonlight, feeling the light moisture of his skin from his sweat. you’ve forgotten just how easy it always has been to brush your hand through his locks. your voice is gentle and low as if not to startle him, as if not to shatter him more than he already is. “you don’t have to, of course, but you can always talk to me if you need to.”

“no, it’s okay... I just want to be with you right now.” his voice is meek as he chooses his words carefully as though they're meticulously choosen to pull at your heartstrings (they do), and he sounds like he’s on the brink of tears once more.

“is it the same dream as before?” you ask, remembering how many nights you've spent with venti just like this when he began getting frequent nightmares awhile back, nightmares that till this day you don't know the contents of.

he nods, although hesitantly, as though it’s some sort of secret. and in a way, it is.

he could never, ever, ever tell you that you’re the cause of all of his nightmares afterall.

“are you sure you don’t want to talk about it? you look really troubled.”

“no, I just want to… I just want to stay like this for awhile.”

“okay, ven,” you whisper, soft and quiet, as if your voice could shatter him whole. you pause, thinking of what to say, before you decide that you won’t prode any further, instead bidding him a goodnight. “I love you, venti. get some rest.”

for the first time in maybe months, venti doesn’t tell you he loves you back.

instead he burrows himself as deep as humanly possible, as if being torn away from you would kill him, just like the way his dreams pulled and tugged ruthlessly at his heart strings, shoving images of you with your new 'tutor' down his throat, like they had with him months and months ago.

how cruel is it that he's forced to see you being ripped away from him both in real life and in his dreams?

-----☆

you're half asleep when you feel him mumble into your skin.

"I miss you. I miss this." he whispers, but you can barely hear him. he misses the way you feel, how comforting you smell, how his hands connect with your body like they're puzzle pieces. he misses having all your attention on him like this, so quick to coo and ask if he's okay.

"what?"

you feel venti's hands slip under your shirt, feeling the warm skin of your back as he slowly trails his hands up and down, basking in the way that you feel. "I miss you, cecilia. especially today." his voice isn't shakey anymore. instead it's much more fluid, as though he never had the night terrors that brought him into your room to begin with. you can't help but frown at his words even in your sleepy state.

"venti..." you mumble out, feeling his hands start to dig themselves into your skin. his grip on your waist is tightー not enough for it to hurt, but just enough that it keeps you from pushing him away if you really wanted to, trapping and suffocating you, bordering the lines of sucking the air out of your lungs.

part of you wishes he wouldn't keep things so bottled up from you, because clearly, your constant 'absence' in his life is hurting him more than you'll ever be able to understand, but the more selfish part of you is shamefully grateful that he is. you love venti, but for a man who constantly champions for freedom, he's always been so deadset on taking away yours.

you know deep down that if you gave venti an inch, he'd take a mile, and you don't have many miles left to give. you could spend twenty-four hours of a day with venti and he would still want you to somehow spend twenty-five on him. as much as you love ventiー truly, you love him more than anything else in the worldー, you know it'd be better if you didn't induldge him as much as you want him to. lord knows how quick venti would be to turn you into a hollow, empty shell of yourself by taking every second you have all for himself if he could.

besides, this whole thing will blow over eventually after the party, right?

right?

"I know that I've already whined and complained about it, but god, I miss you. seeing you ocassionally here and there isn't enough for me. I..." venti somehow manages to pull his body even closer to you, your chest and his chest plush against eachother, so close that you can feel the way it rises as he breathes slowly. "I know I'm selfish, but I need you."

he says the word 'need' as if he'd die without you.

you don't think this is a conversation you two should be having when you're so... out of it, exhausted.

"venti, can we talk about this in the morning?"

his grip slowly loosens. "...okay." he says the word slowly and hesitantly, as if he's a child saying a cuss word for the first time, as if agreeing to put his feelings aside until you're in a much more lucid and conscious state is a sin. "I'm... I'm sorry for bothering you and being so clingy and... I just..." venti swallows thickly. "goodnight," venti mumbles, choosing not to finish his thought.

your eyebrows furrow, something about this whole conversation feeling off to you. never in a million years would venti have been so... upfront, apart from the day he invited you to the party. it's like venti's slowly unraveling like a string, just one little tug away from snapping.

it wouldn't be the first time venti's snapped on you though. you need to mend things and shut off the ticking time bomb before things blow up in your face again, like when you...

like when you...

ugh. you'll think about all of this later when you're actually well-rested and capable of forming cohesive thoughts. you softly mumble out a goodnight to venti as well, praying that the storm will blow off soon enough.

it doesn't, though. the winds only get stronger and louder.

ーーー☆

venti wasn't in your room by the time you woke up. infact, he wasn't in the apartment at all. not in his room, not in the kitchen or in the bathroom getting ready, nowhere. he didn't even leave a text telling you where he went.

you guess that venti needs time to think after last night, and you decide that it's probably for the best.

you'll see him again later anyways.

ーーー☆

it's cold out today, october's chill punishing you for wearing too light of a sweater for the weather, but the freezing temperature of the classroom during today's lecture isn't the cause of the way you squirm in your seat out of discomfort. no, you have professor zhongli to take credit for that.

you're convinced that zhongli gets a kick out of giving you borderline heart attacks.

honestly, that isn't exactly far from the truth. there's something about the way your eyes flicker in complete, utter fear by just him saying, "[name], may you please see me after class? there's something I'd like to discuss with you," that sends shivers down his spine, as egregious as that may sound. it's a shameful feeling for a professor to have, but atleast he has much more innocent intentions this time as opposed to the last time he's asked you to stay behind.

the request was given to you right at the start of class (which you were actually on time to, thank god) before he began with his lecture. and once again, you couldn't help but think about just what exactly zhongli wanted to discuss with you throughout the entire lecture, almost too busy coming up with theories to focus, though luckily your close friend lumine was seated next to you today, and made sure you were caught up to speed throughout the lesson through the haze of your nervousness (honestly, where would you be without your amazing friends?).

all you can think is, did you do something wrong again? was the assignment you turned in last night that terrible? you're going to fail the semester at this rate.

you wish zhongli was more deadset on helping you pass like last year than assuring that you failed.

you had been a much worse student back then. things were far too overwhelming back then, and when you had been juggling a part-time job, trying to keep your sanity through lieu of a social life, and professors who you were convinced made their job to torture you, you couldn't keep your grades up as high as you wanted to, especially when you were going through a rough break up at the same time. you truly had the worst of luck.

you were visibly behind everyone else, but it hadn't started that way. you truly did put up a fight, tried to make sure you stayed afloat, and it did work at first. but your responsibilities drowned you completely, and you never really learned how to swim. it was a rough semester, and one of your classes, taught by the infamous professor ningguang with her especially unforgiving nature in particular made it all the more terrible, especially when you had been taking other classes taught by equally ruthless professors at the same time. looking back at it now, you have no clue how a professor could possibily have a more ruthless teaching method than zhongli, but perhaps the man had learned it all from her.

ningguang outside of class was a kind-hearted and compassionate woman, but the average person wouldn't ever think that purely on the basis of how she runs her class alone. truthfully, your one saving grace last year had been her co-teacher, professor zhongli, who seemed to take enough pity on you that he took matters into his own hands to make sure you did well.

you stood out back then, not because you shone bright, but because you didn't shine at all.

zhongli wanted to light that fire back in you that you had at the start of the year. and he had.

zhongli had took you under his wing, struck you with passion and drive, made you fall in love all over again with the topic you were studying through his ramblings and stories and sheer utter knowledge; he revitalized you, filled a hole. he had kept you after class and in his office on weekends, making time to make sure that you succeeded and through his gentle nurturing that was the hot to ningguangs cold, you had succeeded, to your surprise. and he had looked after you ever since.

but things are different now. so much more different. you were grateful back then for him striving to push you to do better, but now it's overwhelming. back then, his standards were achievableー finish your assignments on time as often as you could, study a little when you can, atleast attempt to attend every class you had. it was doable. but now, now you're almost convinced he wants you to become borderline perfectー no, perfect is an understatement. he wants you to be better than perfect.

perfect, and vulnerable.

back then it felt as though he was trying to help you but now, the back of your mind can't help but tell you that he's always been helping himself, benefiting himself, not you.

it was at the start of this school year when professor zhongli became more than just your co-teacher and had a class that you realized just how similar him and ningguang truly are.

either way, maybe it's the fact that your mind was so occupied, or maybe time simply just decided to speed up, but the class flew by in no time. you had practically tuned out all of zhongli's ramblings and teachings today. you watched zhongli dismiss the class, staying seated depsite the way everyone else shuffled out of the door as quick as possible, lumine pressing a gentle hand against your shoulder as though wordlessly saying, 'I wish for the best,' before leaving herself. once again, it was just you and zhongli in the empty room.

fuck.

zhongli walks to the front of your desk, running a hand through his hair before letting out a long sigh, and you never knew how such a little harmless action could strike so much fear into your heart. could you just combust already? you're not at all ready for whatever zhongli has to say.

"what a long class we had today, hm? I hope I didn't bore you too much. you looked particularly distracted." zhongli says, smiling gently at you as he attempts to brighten the gloomy mood you're clearly in. "luckily, though, I've been excited to talk to you all class. you truly were my saving grace today."

is this some kind of sick joke? you were kidding when you thought zhongli must get pleasure out of your failure, but you might actually be right.

gross.

"don't worry, though, I didn't keep you after class just to complain. I'll get to the point, since I know you hate pointless chatter."

"I know it's far too early to say this, but I'm proud of you, [name]."

that caring nature still shines through, the strict professor he's supposed to be erroded and washed away by time itself.

"I... what?"

"the assignment you gave in last night, truly one of your best works this semester. you never fail to amaze me with how fast you manage to make a turnaround when you put your mind to it, [name]."

the assignment? the one you worked on last night at the last second despite having over a week to do it after studying with xiao that you had to keep your eyes pried open to complete? the one xiao had borderlined picked apart a dozen times as though trying to break you down even more? that assignment?

what?

"but I... what? if it was any good, it's likely only because xiao was there to help me." you mumble, unsure of your words.

"so? are you really diminishing your accomplishments just because you got a little aid?" zhongli plants a hand on your cheek like he has a dozen times in the past before guiding your face to look up at him. "or are you trying to say that it was xiao who had done your assignment, not you?"

"o-of course he didn't! but-" zhongli is quick to shush you, pressing a gloved thumb against your lips with a soft smile.

"shh. you did well, and that's final. I hope this pattern continues. you know I want nothing but the best for you after seeing what you can achieve." his gloved hand caresses your cheek and you're convinced he can feel the heat your face is producing out of embarrassment even through the layer of fabric. "my little star, you're doing well again." he adds quietly, so quietly that you can just barely make it out, though the nickname is far less shocking than the praise that your brain is still trying to make sense of.

"before I let you go, I just wanted to reiterate that should you ever need my assistance with anythingー and I mean anything at all, whether it's related to your academics or notー know that I am and always will be here."

"I... thank you." it's the only words you can come up with as zhongli leaves you alone with your thoughts. "thank you," you repeat, speaking the words much more quietly. in a hushed whisper.

in the back of your mind, you realize that you should be thinking about how odd it is for zhongli to suddenly be so sugary sweet, how he's touched you so much more intimately than a professor should, how his little nickname for you is weird at best, and yet all you can think about is how he's proud of you.

for some reason, that's all that really matters to you in the moment. you can think about... all that other stuff, later.

ーーー☆

three problems are currently daunting on you all at once: one, you have a few assignments you need to get done or at least get started on, two, you have a crush on a guy you've barely even know, really, and three, said guy is sitting near you, which is seriously worsening the severity of problems one and two respectively.

for context, you were feeling particularly motivated today. maybe it was your talk with zhongli a few hours prior, or how your second class of the day, professor dottore's, was a little more relaxed than you had been expecting (and quite frankly, the words 'dottore' and 'relaxed' almost never go togrther), but you decided that you should continue your good luck streak by seeing how far you can get with the assignments that have been practically begging you to complete them. not too far from professor dottores lecture hall is a little study and relaxing area, tables and chairs lined up against large window panes. it's calm there, and usually empty, making it a perfect studying and working spot whenever you don't feel like going home just yet.

you really are (well, were) having a good luck streak, because absolutely no one else is studying there today.

you find yourself chipping away at an assignment on your laptop there, body sinking into the suprisingly comfy seats, this time working on something that isn't for professor zhongli for once, and really, you swear on everything that you were productive, 'breezing' through questions faster than you thought you would. you find solace in the way your keyboard lets out soft little 'click clacks,' as you type away, the sound muted by the music softly playing through your earbuds, and it's like you're in your own little world.

until you take a single glance up and the illusion of productivity shatters. sometime between the time you started your work and now, your delightful tutor has taken a seat near by just a few tables away from you, completely and utterly destroying your workflow in the matter of seconds. 

most people wouldn't mind at all. but xiao hasn't talked to you since yesterday, and it's something that has been worrying all day.

to be fair, it's not like you two are genuine friends past the fact he now has an obligation to interact with you on a semi-frequent basis or that you have a true reason to expect him to try to reach out to you unless it explicitly had something to do with your sessions together, but a bit of you still seemed to hope deep down that he would reach out despite that. sadly, though, if you know anything about xiao, you'd know that he isn't particularly the chatty type and would rather sit and observe than speak, similar to your dear, close online friend.

you think that if you ever got alatus and xiao to meet, they'd be good (albeit quiet) friends.

most of all, though, you're worried xiao thinks you're a creep who snooped through his shit yesterday. in your honest and truest defence, the fact that he had your scarf in the first place seems... off to you. there's some part of you that doesn't entirely believe the story he gave you, so maybe you were justified in 'snooping' around in the first place.

or maybe you're just paranoid. yeah, definitely just paranoid.

eitherway, a normal person would've probably gotten up by now and simply said hello, maybe even have asked him something a normal person would ask like 'what are you working on,' or 'how are you doing today,' or, hell, 'do you think we can study again soon?' and 'thanks for returning my scarf to me, by the way,' (or even, 'hey, did you take my scarf on purpose or am I just overthinking things') but you don't. no, instead you find your eyes trailing up to him over and over and over again, noting every little detail there is to note down.

in the midst of your staring, not only has the sun begun to go down (alongside your dwindling sense of dignity, apparently), but you've also made a long mental list of all your noticings of xiao, something you wouldn't be as ashamed about it as you currently were if only you knew that xiao's own list on you is much, much longer, but that's besides the point. every little thing about him is simply far more interesting than whatever it is that is practically begging for your undivided attention on your poor, neglected laptop.

and yet you can't bring yourself to think about anything other than how xiao has a beauty mark almost right in the center of his forehead, and how a little bit under that a soft hint of red eyeshadow decorates his eyes that must've worn out from the long day hes had with it on, and he likes to drum his fingers along the wood of the table whenever mulling over an assignment, and how whenever he reads something, he gets this little analytical glint in his eyes, one you've seen him use on you.

those same eyes of his have not once taken a single look up at you, as though your presence is practically nonexistent to him, and you can't help but feel like a creep.

after a long while of getting virtually no work done, you think you should try your luck either at the library or at home, somewhere far less distracting. the sky is slowly turning into a darkening blue, and unless you wanted to write a book about how pretty xiao is, you decide it's time to leave. you pack up your things, getting up and stretching, and it's then that xiao finally looks up at you.

you freeze a little when you two make eyecontact, because he's not looking at you, he's looking into you, like he's the only person who's ever really seen you. his face looks unreadable apart from the little hint of curiosity and... longing (huh?) that dance around in his eyes. instinctively you wave at him in a greeting, hand a little shakey and fiddly, giving him a shy little smile. the bag on your shoulder suddenly feels heavier purely from the weight of the tension entirely created by your own nerves in the air.

please wave back. please wave back. please wave back, damnit.

he deadpans at you, as if genuinely confused at your gesture, like he's never seen somebody wave before (or, more accurately, never had anyone to care enough about him to greet him to begin with). fire licks its way up your body, the searing pain of embarrasment sending you intense waves of heat. why couldn't you have just talked to him instead?

in seconds, though, you witness that confusion wash away and along with it goes your worries, instead replaced with what you swear looks like the tiniest smile you've ever seen paired with soft, rosy cheeks, sending you back a little wave of his own.

okay, so he doesn't hate you. thank god.

you contemplate actually speaking to him once more before deciding against it, not wanting to get in the way of whatever he's working on. you think about maybe texting him later instead as you break eye contact with him. with how late it's getting, you choose to take a gamble on finishing your work at in your room, leaving the area to head home for the day as he watches.

you feel his golden eyes burn into your back as you walk away.

ーーー NEW MESSAGE ーーー☆

[name]: I just spent an hour staring at an almost blank screen trying to get work done

[name]: I couldn't think clearly at all

[alatus]: if it makes you feel any better, I didn't get any work done either just now.

[name]: really? were you studying too?

alatus: you could say that.

alatus: though honestly, I spent more time in the photobooth app than actually working.

[name]: wow. I never thought that you'd be the type to take pictures of yourself like that

alatus: I never said I was taking pictures of myself.

ーーー☆

it's almost pitch dark out by the time you finally get home. fuck trains and their insistent need to be late.

"I'm home!" you shout out as soon as you step through the front door, voice a little breathy after having to climb up a few flights of stairs to get up to your apartment, alerting venti that you've arrived in a way akin to how married couples do. you're quick to lock the door behind you, stripping yourself of your shoes that feel more like weights before placing them in the shoe rack nearby the door and putting your heavy bag down next to venti's violin case, deciding you'll bother with getting whatever you need out of there when you feel like it. you wince a little at the cold tiles of the floor underneath your feet.

maybe one day you'll move into a place with an actual heater, you think.

"I'll be there in just a second!" venti's voice rings out from what you assume is the bathroom down the hall, likely showering given the pitter-pattering sound of running water. you nod, as though responding to him despite the fact he can't see you, flicking on the light switch to the kitchen as you do so. the kitchen table immediately grabs your attention with how different it looks compared to how you left it this morning. two orange pumpkins sit at the center, and alongside it lays an unopened package of carving tools and another package of tea lights, a brown bag filled with what looks to be some house decor and knick knacks (venti truly does love trying to make your run-down apartment as much of a true home as possible), and a bag of groceries yet to be put away.

you sit down at the medium sized wooden table, allowing yourself to rest and bask in the day as you look through everything infront of you. it's been awhile since you've just sat in silence and thought, and even longer since you let yourself really live in this home without just heading straight to your room. your nails drill against the table, pushing one of the two pumpkins closer to you with a soft hum. you trace a finger against it, imaginging what'd you want to carve on it and how it'd glow after you put a candle inside.

this year you should do something new, get a little more fancier with the design that you have in the previous years that you craved a pumpkin. maybe you and venti will carve matching jack-o-laterns this year. you can't help but smile at the thought.

"they're cute, aren't they?"

you tense up when you feel a hand on your shoulder, but you instantly relax when you turn your head to see venti. you guess you were so lost in thought you hadn't heard him come out of the bathroom. you drink in his presence, giving him a glance over out of instinct. the smell of his apple-cinnamon bodywash assault your senses in an oddly comforting way, a scent that makes you feel right at home. he's in a pair pajamas and cute bunny slippers, and his hair is clipped up in a pretty half up, half down ponytail. the blue dyed tips of his hair are losing their signature color (which is odd, considering that despite his inherit laziness, venti's always been one to make sure those tips stay bright blue at all costs) and his skin looks a little damp.

a gummy smile paints his face, and he has a bit of a playful glint in his eye, but he looks notably tired, and a sense of worry pings at your heart at the sight. you were the roommate notorious for having bags under your eyes afterall, not him, so to see him look so exhausted, especially when venti's always been one for getting his 'beauty sleep,' tells you that venti internally isn't feeling his best. it sounds shallow, judging someone's mental health based on their appearance, but you know venti like the back of your hand, and you know that something's wrong.

even moreso, you know exactly what that wrong thing is, given last night's conversation.

"I got them at the grocery store today. thought it might be fun to carve them together before they go bad. that is, if you want to grace me with your undivided time and attention, of course." venti pretends he's joking, but you know deep down he means the sentiment of wanting you to give him your time for once, and you honestly feel awful at his words. nonetheless, you suck it up, smiling up at him. it's a genuine smile.

"why wouldn't I? it is tradition after all. I'm going to make mine extra scary this year."

venti laughs at your words, his heart internally flutter at the thought of how determined your face would look as you try to create the spookiest jack-o-latern he's ever seen. he leans down, pressing a soft, platonic peck to your forehead, finally giving you a welcome home.

"you're home later than usual again, everything go okay?"

you can't help but notice that venti is acting as if he had never said what he said last night, though the air between you is still awkward and tense, and his face does little to hide the fact that deep down, he's still quelling on the things he spoke about. nonetheless, you decide that that conversation is to be had when venti wants it to happen, knowing full well from years of being his bestfriend that venti prefers keeping a lighter mood at all costs, so you leave things at that until he's ready to speak about it again.

"yeah, I just thought that I'd try to get some work done while I could at campus," you answer, watching as he nods slowly at your words. you can tell he's fighting back the urge to interrogate you, to ask you if you were with anybody and if you really needed to stay at campus, and anything else he can use as a way to rationalize the fact that he's so clingy. he looks around the room, thinking about what else he could say to make sure the conversation doesn't end prematurely.

"oh! I ordered some takeout a bit before you came home. it's still hot, if you want to eat."

you nod, thanking him, and you can tell he's trying to read you, to figure out just how exactly he can stay with you longer without him bringing up anything you two talked about last night. he stands there, presence lingering as though he has something to say, and yet he chooses not to say whatevers on his mind, instead preferring to pick up the unopened bottle of dandelion wine on the nearby kitchen counter.

"you seem all set. I'll get going now, then. I have an urgent date with a bottle of wine that I can't miss for the world." venti moves quickly to leave as though trying to make sure you don't see through to him, turning his back to you without another word, but he doesn't get too far before he's freezing up at your words.

"you're not gonna stay and chat?" you say instinctively, a little surprised by the fact he was so quick to come and go today. you don't know what it is about today, but the thought of venti forcing himself to go when he clearly doesn't want to pains you. maybe it was last nights conversation, or maybe it's how venti radiates warmth that fights against the biting cold that nips at your skin, or maybe you just miss venti, but you want him here with you.

venti turns around slowly, his voice low as he speaks. "oh..." he starts off, "I thought you would've wanted to eat alone like all the other nights," you almost let out a wince at his words. how long has it really been since you last simply hung out with venti? "do you... want me to stay?" you let out a gentle hum.

"I want you here tonight. I want to talk to you."

"about what?"

you think about everything you'd want to tell venti, and you realize that that's exactly it; you want to tell him everything and anything you can. you want to tell him about your new tutor who turned out to be a lot less scary than you were expecting him to be, or that new coffee shop a friend had told you about that opened up near by that you'd love to tell him about, or how zhongli was actually kind to you today. but you also want venti to tell you everything too, about any escapades he's had recently while drunk or new songs he's written, or even how his classes are going and if he's thinking of going to any other parties soon.

you realize that, as much as you'd hate to admit it to yourself, you miss just being with venti a lot too.

"everything," you finally reply after thinking, grinning up at his hesitant form.

"everything? really? this isn't a ploy to tell me horrific news or to try to get out of going to that party, is it?"

"no, I promise. I'm honestly a bit offended you'd think I'd ever be so cruel as to try to get out of going to such an amazing party," you joke.

venti playfully rolls his eyes at your words, but he can't help the smile that creeps up his face. his smile is bright like a star, warm enough for a planet to survive off of, eyelids crinkling at the corners of his eyes as he puts the bottle in his hand down befofe he pulls up one of the kitchen chairs, the legs screeching against the floor so that he's sitting infront of you. he leans in close to you as though you were about to tell him the greatest story known to man. you can't help but feel warm and fuzzy inside. venti's smile, his real and genuine smile, gives you a feeling like no other. it makes you feel whole, like none of your problems neither exist nor matter and that everything in this world is perfect.

"okay then, dove, tell me everything."

ーーー NEW TEXT MESSAGE ーーー☆

alatus: can you believe it's almost sunday already?

[name]: holy shit, time is going by so fast

[name]: I'm so excited to meet you in person

alatus: I'm excited too.

[name]: I can't believe I've known you for over a year and I'm only going to get to see your face now

[name]: I swear to god if you're just some creep...

alatus: I promise I'm not. well, maybe.

[name]: ha ha, very funny.

[name]: but seriously, it honestly feels like I've known you for forever.

alatus: maybe you have and you just never noticed.