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@82diary
i want my heart to be taken away from me. i don't want to feel at all, no matter how important it is. take it away. i don't want it. please take it away. i won't regret the loss. after all, all it feels is anger, envy, sadness, shame, and hopelessness. what's the use of a heart that won't allow happiness to thrive long?
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doesn't matter, I'll be miserable either way.
i want to become so undeniably attractive that people would take interest in anything i say even if it lacked substance; and be coddled and loved without preamble. i've grown weary of putting effort into molding myself to be someone worthy of being. i really am just unremarkable by default. it makes me so sad to think of it.
it'd be nice to weaponize my ordinariness, though i don't know how.
7, 23, 32, 38, 51, 62 for the ask game !! <3 ･｡ﾟ☆ﾟ.
07: what did you last eat?
- lays chips and instant ramen noodles!
23: do you have piercings? how many?
- i don't.. and i don't wish for them either! i feel like I'd be incredibly bothered by them!
32: what is your favorite color?
- i really, really like pink! a sort of.. milky pink! very pale and soft pink. generally, i like any pale color. especially when they're almost white!
38: is this year the best year of your life?
- it was a very productive and revelatory year! i don't like it, but it's a year i can look back on and learn from over and over again.
51: favorite food?
- i like.. gravy with plain white rice!
62: what makes you happy?
- self inflicted pain
70 horrible questions ... Fuck it
01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?
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I'm scared it'll be overlooked. i don't want to be ignored, not by someone who claims they care about me. i want to believe it. I want to believe someone who knows me enough cares about me, thinks kindly of me. I don't want to be a terrible, disgusting girl in the eyes of everyone forever.
i want to be seen as someone loveable, at least someone redeemable. remind me that i am capable of good and love.
if the microsystem shames you, imagine how cruel the world is outside of it. i want no part to play in this world.
i've come to realize that it's a whole lot easier to exist without any expectation that people will care about you and consider your feelings. it hurts a lot less to acknowledge that. i think this way of thinking makes me a very bitter, hurtful, and dismissive person—someone passive, who's merely a reflection of their surroundings.
i proceed to think of this one phrase about how being mean is incomparably easier than being kind. personally, being kind is about thinking of others—how others are feeling, how others are. it's almost borderline synonymous with people pleasing when you lack boundaries and place yourself second.
however, i don't understand why this is how things should be. why should it feel harder to be kind? shouldn't this trait be inherent to us, no matter how the world treats us?
my daily affirmations are: I don't matter, my feelings don't matter, the world doesn't care about me, no one cares about me, my feelings are secondary, my feelings shouldn't be considered
there's a post i stumbled upon once while i was scrolling through the personal vent tag. it wrote, as i can vaguely recall "if someone offered me a box and told me to crawl inside, no matter how small, i'd do it. I'd tear my limbs to fit inside because fitting in was never an option for me, there's a part of me that always feels the need to— like instinct." i forgot the username of the person who posted it, but god .. did this stick with me.
loneliness is like a reoccurring cut on my skin. each time it returned felt like that gaping wound was sliced over and over again. i wanted friends, i wanted connection, i wanted the warmth that movies and books reiterate you could feel through relationships. but i have been so unfortunate as a child to have only been exposed to other children that i either just couldn't get along with or that the time we had wasn't enough to form a deep, meaningful bond.
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i am so exhausted, so frail, and heavy-limbed. i have so much to do, so many ideas to bring to life, and so many little goals waiting to be crossed off the mental list. i don't enjoy being aware of my exhaustion because i need to function. i only ever succeed to get things done by believing my feelings are secondary to the feelings of others.
uugghmmnnghghhgggguuuuuiiioggjgj need to get up. i need to get up.
i feel really bad for lying about my current disposition to a friend who trusts me and tells me everything about their life.
when you really think about it, the trust is incredibly one-sided in the context that i am allowed to worry about a friend, but they cannot do the same for me. it's me saying that i cannot trust them to handle me. which feels and, to me, is popularly perceived as unfair and unforgiving, selfish and dishonest.
i remind myself constantly, throughout the day, that i am undeserving of feeling light whenever i get ideas of doing anything that serves only to please me.
it's an internal dialogue fueled by guilt and shame. while understanding and being aware that this is cruel and unforgiving, and that this isn't permanent, i have believed for some time now that limiting the goodness in my life is appropriate for a girl like me.
hachiware (my son) and me. i finally showered today, so i let myself hug him. i ate today, too. i want hachiware to know i am taking good care of myself. i might place him on my bed instead of my desk once i change my stinky bed sheets. TT
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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i never wanted to admit that it took a toll on me. by agreeing that it had power over me, would be surrendering to the idea that i can't do it, or perform good enough for it. but because i have to do it, i refuse to admit the consequences of keeping it.
i had rather blindly believe it couldn't hurt me while pushing through, than believe it's eating me and have that echo continuously in my body until i am nothing but this echo.
to make it all miserable, this mindset has kept me going. if i were to believe the latter, i would be burning in hell right now. to make it more miserable, i am going with the latter now.
for me, i stopped caring about my weight and appearance because i understood then that it couldn't change the bitterness and all the rot happening deep inside of me. that vanity, obsessing over it, and gaining it wouldn't fix me.
it would simply be money pouring down the drain when i buy products to sustain it, especially when my mind decides it's not worth it at all. now, i'm a fat thing existing only to inspire people to feel abhorrence.
