i hate myself

Despite being the one to start the charade, he still got embarrassed when Jisoo had him turn to look at him once more. It’s not could help it; being so close to Jisoo made him be this way no matte what. However embarrassed he was, though, he said nothing in return. It wasn’t like they both didn’t already know he’d be fine with it. His eyes turned to the side in the stead of his head, continuing his pout even like this.

He draws back, no longer close enough to kiss Jiwoo. With a shrug, he smile fades. Again, an act, but he enjoys messing with Jiwoo like this.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t been proving it. But Jiwoo still couldn’t believe it fully– he doubted it’d be any time soon. It would probably only be believed when it actually happened. Jiwoo felt slightly guilty about that, though he knew he couldn’t convince himself otherwise. It was just the way things were with him.

He’s confused for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck before he realizes that Jiwoo is pretending. Well, if he’s pretending, Jisoo should join in.

Despite being the one to start the charade, he still got embarrassed when Jisoo had him turn to look at him once more. It's not could help it; being so close to Jisoo made him be this way no matte what. However embarrassed he was, though, he said nothing in return. It wasn't like they both didn't already know he'd be fine with it. His eyes turned to the side in the stead of his head, continuing his pout even like this.

Still not believing it, he tries to stutter out more words of protest, trying to reject the idea of having someone want to remember him. Having someone say he doesn’t have to be the best. His words are not only cut off by being hugged tighter, but also by the kiss he hadn’t expected.

“Looks like that shut you up. If that doesn’t prove I love you, and want to remember you, I don’t know what will. Why are you so dead set on believing that I don’t really want to?”

It wasn't that he hadn't been proving it. But Jiwoo still couldn't believe it fully-- he doubted it'd be any time soon. It would probably only be believed when it actually happened. Jiwoo felt slightly guilty about that, though he knew he couldn't convince himself otherwise. It was just the way things were with him.

Jisoo’s words made him happy, though only for a brief moment. Why would Jisoo want to work that hard to remember him? He may have tried all his life for something like that to happen, but he doubted he would ever actually get it to be real. To be recognized for once; to have someone want to remember him. Jiwoo was sure Jisoo wouldn’t– no matter how much he told him he would, he couldn’t believe it. Whatever strengths he though he had he clearly didn’t; if he did he wouldn’t have needed his wish.

“What…? You dumb rabbit. You don’t have to be better than anyone. You don’t have to be the best. I love you because you have flaws; you’re a normal person.” He hugs Jiwoo tighter, trying to express how much he wants  to remember Jiwoo. “I’ll do anything it takes to remember you. I’ll… I’ll start writing. I’ll write journals about how much I love you. I’d even get your name tattooed on me, if that’s what it takes.”

Still not believing it, he tries to stutter out more words of protest, trying to reject the idea of having someone want to remember him. Having someone say he doesn't have to be the best. His words are not only cut off by being hugged tighter, but also by the kiss he hadn't expected.

“Thank you. That’s all I needed to hear.” He finally smiled genuinely, happy to hear what he did. He understands where Kent is coming from with all of it, but the cycle they had begun would only end up hurting them both in the end. In the end, that would make it harder for Kent to recover. He knew Kent would recover– he’d kill him himself if he didn’t.

“I’ve been resting since the paramedics first arrived. I might go mad if I try to rest any more.” He huffs, leaning back on his pillow. He hold’s Ikki’s hand, not wanting to lose contact with him quite yet. “I’d rather be awake and with you, than asleep and unaware of your presence. Am I correct to assume that you haven’t left since my arrival here?”

"I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to be away from you for even a second." The last time he was... well, this. He didn't trust that this would be the end of it, and he didn't want to risk Kent getting hurt further. That, and there was no way Ikki wanted to leave his side even without him being injured. He had barely wanted to go to work ever, and he hated needing to keep his distance. Now that he has an excuse to be next to Kent, he doesn't want to let that go.

When Kent only takes the towel to clean off Ikki’s lips, he grabs his hand; perhaps slightly harder than his previous times touching Kent in this state. Once he realizes, he loosens his grip, but pushes Kent’s hand away. He was trying as hard as he could to not cry.

He stays quiet, listening to Ikki with a somber look on his face. He wants to speak, but knows that Ikki needs to talk. He needs to explain his side. When he’s done, Kent reaches up and gently moves the towel away from his mouth, holding Ikki’s hand in both of his.

"Thank you. That's all I needed to hear." He finally smiled genuinely, happy to hear what he did. He understands where Kent is coming from with all of it, but the cycle they had begun would only end up hurting them both in the end. In the end, that would make it harder for Kent to recover. He knew Kent would recover-- he'd kill him himself if he didn't.

Looking at Jisoo directly was already enough to make Jiwoo flustered, but then he had to go and say something like that. What’s more is when he just continues on as if he hadn’t just said anything. Jiwoo stops, slightly needing to lean forward when Jisoo attempts to continue walking, not realizing Jiwoo had stopped yet.

His cheeks redden slightly when Jiwoo tells him that he loves him, but he manages to keep his cool– for the most part. He still has trouble forming any sort of response. 

Jisoo's words made him happy, though only for a brief moment. Why would Jisoo want to work that hard to remember him? He may have tried all his life for something like that to happen, but he doubted he would ever actually get it to be real. To be recognized for once; to have someone want to remember him. Jiwoo was sure Jisoo wouldn't-- no matter how much he told him he would, he couldn't believe it. Whatever strengths he though he had he clearly didn't; if he did he wouldn't have needed his wish.

Once Jiwoo began walking, dragging Jisoo until he walked as well, he slowed his pace to they would be side-by-side. At some point, he had decided just having his hand as close as possible wasn’t enough; he leaned slightly on Jisoo’s arm, though not enough that it’d hinder them while walking. He had made sure it was only after they had been back outside, not in a restaurant. He doubted he would’ve been able to do that if the people around them had nothing better to do than look at their surroundings– at them.

He swallows when Jiwoo leans against his arm. He almost gasps, but he holds it in, not wanting to alert Jiwoo to the fact that he’s getting flustered. Not looking directly at Jiwoo, he gives his hand a little squeeze. The air is cold, but Jisoo feels nothing but warmth.

Although he had previously thought about how he wouldn't mind this, he was still surprised when Jisoo actually put his arm around him. He could feel his heart skip a beat; something it had done too many times around Jisoo. It was awful-- the way his heart wouldn't slow down, the way it felt way too warm on such a cold day, the way he had wanted to be close like this with Jisoo for as long as he could remember. It was awful, but he didn't mind it. It was something he wouldn't complain about, if only because he didn't want it to end.

He had wanted to say that he was glad he wouldn’t, but he didn’t like that Kent getting hurt was what it took. He wanted to say how happy he was that he was able to promise that. However, all of it was cut off by Kent’s kiss, Ikki taking only a moment of surprise before attempting to kiss back.

Once he realize what happened– what he did to Ikki– his eyes widen. He looks horrified. Refusing the towel, he lifts it up to Ikki’s mouth, to clean it of his blood. How stupid of him. The pain he felt when he smiled was his split lip starting to bleed again, and he didn’t realize it. He kissed Ikki with blood on his lip; he practically forced Ikki to taste his blood. He can only imagine what Ikki is thinking.

When Kent only takes the towel to clean off Ikki's lips, he grabs his hand; perhaps slightly harder than his previous times touching Kent in this state. Once he realizes, he loosens his grip, but pushes Kent's hand away. He was trying as hard as he could to not cry.

He hesitates to take Jisoo’s hand; not because he doesn’t want to, but because of how flustered he is at the moment. Although, you could be sure he wanted to. He wanted to be close to Jisoo– perhaps he wouldn’t even mind it if he ended up putting his arm around Jiwoo again when they walked. …No, he was sure he wouldn’t mind it.

Jisoo wastes no time in threading their fingers together, holding Jiwoo’s hand close to his body. With his free hand, he adjusts his hat to make sure it doesn’t fall off in the wind.

Once Jiwoo began walking, dragging Jisoo until he walked as well, he slowed his pace to they would be side-by-side. At some point, he had decided just having his hand as close as possible wasn't enough; he leaned slightly on Jisoo's arm, though not enough that it'd hinder them while walking. He had made sure it was only after they had been back outside, not in a restaurant. He doubted he would've been able to do that if the people around them had nothing better to do than look at their surroundings-- at them.

“Ken…” He felt bad, though he couldn’t help but be happy hearing that. He unknowingly gave a small smile, despite still feeling as though he shouldn’t be allowed to. “…Thank you. For telling me, and for trying to help. But I told you we’d find a safe way to do this; I told you that I was happy enough knowing your feelings for me. That hasn’t changed.”

He smiles and runs his hand through Ikki’s hair, surprisingly romantic. He’s tired, and weak, and in pain, and all he wants is Ikki.

Seemingly satisfied by Ikki’s verbal agreement to not blame himself, he leans over– albeit wincing a bit– and places his hand on Ikki’s cheek. His eyes soften and show signs of concern when Ikki reveals how he knew Kent was in trouble.

“Ken...” He felt bad, though he couldn’t help but be happy hearing that. He unknowingly gave a small smile, despite still feeling as though he shouldn’t be allowed to. “...Thank you. For telling me, and for trying to help. But I told you we’d find a safe way to do this; I told you that I was happy enough knowing your feelings for me. That hasn’t changed.”

Jiwoo was just as speechless as Jisoo, tugging at the sleeves of his jacket nervously. This wasn’t how something like that usually happened. Whenever he read about these things, the characters involved would– no, he couldn’t think of that, not while he was so embarrassed. This clearly wasn’t one of his novels, so nothing like that would happen. It suddenly felt far to warm for a jacket, but he didn’t dare take it off. He needed something to distract him, and his sleeves were the only thing there.

“Uh, right, yeah! We should go!” He hadn’t even realized how much he had eaten, and he finishes off the last few bites quickly so as to not waste anything. “We don’t want to miss the movie.”

He hesitates to take Jisoo's hand; not because he doesn't want to, but because of how flustered he is at the moment. Although, you could be sure he wanted to. He wanted to be close to Jisoo-- perhaps he wouldn't even mind it if he ended up putting his arm around Jiwoo again when they walked. ...No, he was sure he wouldn't mind it.

It was hard to believe he had any tears left in him, but once Kent wakes up, he quickly realizes he does. Too much flooded his mind when he saw Kent wake up, and he can’t stop them. He had to restrain himself from hugging him. It would hurt him, and he had no right to anyways.

He’s surprised and shocked. He hasn’t heard Ikki call him Kent in years. The t at the end of his name cuts like a knife; he’s never hated hearing his name more than he does right now. Despite this, he still can’t bring himself to call Ikki by his name. It just feels too foreign in his mouth. He’s always called him Ikkyu.

"You probably were, but Rika is able to pick up on smaller things. So please stop saying it's your fault, Ken, if only for my sake." He made sure to say his nickname, not liking needing to use his full name before. He was more desperate to get Kent to stop saying it was his fault. "...Neither of us are at fault here. We both tried. I just... was the easiest person to blame in my panic." And he actually believed it, if only a little bit. He still blamed himself for the most part, though there was nothing anyone could do about that. No amount of convincing could make him stop feeling guilty about this.

Every action Kent takes- even just taking an action- makes Ikki wish he could make him stop, or stop himself. He can see how much pain Kent is putting himself through in order to try and comfort Ikki, and he wishes he could convey that his attempts are just making him feel worse. Like no matter what he does, every single bit of pain Kent’s going through is because of him. Especially Kent blaming himself- he doesn’t know where Kent got that idea, but he hates it.

Slowly, very slowly, he wakes up, groggy and confused. His first thought isn’t Ikki– that goes to wondering where he is for a moment. Carefully, he lifts his hand to his face and gently touches the stitches in his lip, sore and wincing. It still hurts to breath.

It was hard to believe he had any tears left in him, but once Kent wakes up, he quickly realizes he does. Too much flooded his mind when he saw Kent wake up, and he can't stop them. He had to restrain himself from hugging him. It would hurt him, and he had no right to anyways.

Whatever had been upsetting him had quickly been forgotten at the words he heard. He hated how many times he’d blushed today, and Jisoo’s admittance only served to add to that count. He couldn’t hear his own thoughts over his heart beginning to pick up it’s pace rapidly. It was similar to when Jisoo had put his arm around him, though suddenly much more intense.

Hearing Jiwoo say that took his breath away. He never thought he’d hear Jiwoo say anything like that, and it makes him happier than he ever thought he could be. He wants to put his head on the table, hoping that it will cool his hot face. He slumps a bit, but stops himself from fully hitting the table.

Jiwoo was just as speechless as Jisoo, tugging at the sleeves of his jacket nervously. This wasn't how something like that usually happened. Whenever he read about these things, the characters involved would-- no, he couldn't think of that, not while he was so embarrassed. This clearly wasn't one of his novels, so nothing like that would happen. It suddenly felt far to warm for a jacket, but he didn't dare take it off. He needed something to distract him, and his sleeves were the only thing there.