i donβt really know what iβm trying to say with this, and iβm not posting this because i expect anyone to reassure me or tell me how much they love my work. i think i just need to put the feeling somewhere, and maybe ask how many other writers have been feeling similarly lately.
iβve mentioned a few times that iβve been in a really weird place mentally. i just feel stuck. not necessarily unmotivated, because i want to write and create, and i still genuinely enjoy doing it. i just feel like iβm putting a lot of energy into things without ever really feeling like iβm moving forward.
and lately that feeling has started bleeding into this blog too.
there are things iβve written that iβm not completely happy with anymore, or directions iβve taken that i keep second guessing. killing me softly is probably the biggest example of that right now. i know i canβt go back and restructure half a series, and maybe nobody else even notices the things that bother me, but i notice them, and apparently my brain has decided to chew on them endlessly.
then thereβs blurred lines, which i started partly because i thought working on something new and different might get me out of that creative weirdness. and it has, in a way. i love working on it. and i have so much planned for that pairing.
but that one is also confusing me the most right now, because at the beginning it felt like the premise really hooked people, and now that iβm actually expanding itβgetting deeper into the characters, their history, the dynamics and the story behind that initial hookβit sometimes feels like the interest is slowly dropping off again.
and obviously iβm not sitting here thinking every chapter i post is some masterpiece people should be obsessed with. but i do put a lot of thought into the pacing. i actively try to give every chapter some kind of beat, reveal, tension, development or little thing that makes you want to know what happens next. so when it still feels like people lose interest once a story starts asking for a little more attention, i canβt help but wonder what exactly isnβt clicking.
especially because when i scroll through fics, a lot of the things doing really well seem to be shorter pieces, the same 3 tropes, smut, things you can click into without much context and consume pretty quickly. and that makes complete sense. theyβre easier to get into and more people will probably give them a chance. me included.
and i want to be really clear here that iβm not saying those stories are somehow less valuable, less creative or βworseβ because theyβre shorter or more straightforward. iβm not trying to put myself above writers who love making one-shots, smut, familiar tropes or anything else. if thatβs what you enjoy writing, thatβs literally the point. youβre creating something because itβs fun for you, and that is more than enough.
this isnβt really me complaining about other writers at all. if anything, i think iβm complaining about myself and the expectations iβve somehow built around my own work.
because the things i personally enjoy writing usually arenβt built for quick consumption. i like long plots, character development, very specific dynamics, little details that matter later and stories where you actually have to stick around for things to pay off. even with smut, i usually need some kind of tension, plot or emotional context behind it to really care.
so maybe my work is simply always going to appeal to a smaller group of people. intellectually, i understand that. emotionally, i am still working on it lol.
and i really donβt want any of this to come across as me being ungrateful either. because iβm not. i love the people who keep coming back, i notice familiar names, i get ridiculously excited about new readers, and every comment, reblog, ask or little interaction genuinely means a lot to me.
i think what annoys me most is actually how much iβve let numbers get into my head.
because at some point everything online became measurable. notes, likes, reblogs, whatever. and without even meaning to, you start using those numbers as proof of whether something was βgoodβ or worth the time you put into it.
because likeβ¦ hello??? i made a whole story out of something that existed in my head. i took characters and ideas and random little scenes floating around in my brain and actually turned them into something other people can read. thatβs fucking cool. whether 50 people see it or 50000 people see it shouldnβt change the fact that i made something.
and obviously it isnβt perfect. none of it is. there are things i would rewrite, things iβd structure differently now, things iβll probably cringe at six months from now. but i still did it.
yet somehow my brain looks at that and goes βokay but how many notes did it get?β
and i absolutely despise that.
i hate that this whole shift in digital media has made it so easy to measure creativity by immediate reaction instead of the fact that you created something in the first place. iβm an artist too, so i feel like iβm suffering in 2 departments at the same time due to the same reason
and i know iβm the one who has to unlearn that. nobody is forcing me to stare at the numbers. but i think itβs harder to separate yourself from them than we sometimes pretend it is.
which also makes me wonder whether tumblr itself is necessarily the best space for the kind of work i like to make.
not implying iβm leaving tumblr bc i wonβt. i feel really comfortable here. i love having this little space and interacting with people here, and i genuinely want to stay. but sometimes i wonder if tumblr naturally lends itself more to faster consumption, while longer, plot-heavy stories might have an easier time somewhere like ao3 or wattpad.
i honestly donβt know. and i donβt even know if putting my work somewhere else would magically change anything.
i think iβm just curious how many other writers have been feeling any of this too. like you still love writing, you still have ideas, you still enjoy actually making the thing, but somehow the part that comes after hitting post has started affecting how you feel about the work itself.
maybe the specific fandom i write for is just quieter, maybe people interact less, maybe attention spans have changed, maybe certain kinds of fics simply have a wider audience. maybe i post too fast or slow. maybe none of those things are actually the problem and i just need to make peace with the fact that not everything i love making is going to perform the way i want it to.
i just think writers are allowed to talk about this part too. we can appreciate every single person who supports us and still admit that engagement can mess with our heads. we can be proud of something and disappointed by how it performs.
and none of this is exactly a groundbreaking revelation lmao. i know media consumption has changed, and i know a lot of other creatives probably feel the same way. i just wanted to give those thoughts a little space here instead of keeping them in my own head.
so... surprise surprise, no grand conclusion here. but if youβve made it this far, thanks for doing so.
