’Call Me Kevin’ quotes, because this man is funny (and deserves more subscribers), and half of what he says is pure gold, and a lot of it works really well, for starters/ask memes:
Brackets like [] are for things that make sense to be replaced by a name, either of the character being spoken to or of another character.
{TEXT} are for things that could work well for being sent as a text
Sims 4 But My Restaurant Is To Die For:
‘does no one care? dude’s on fire yo IF only anyone cared, my plan would be perfect.“
“Sorry dude *nervous laughter/normal laughter* I hate to bring this realization to ya like this.”
’'don’t interact with me, go away.”
“yeah, i know, he’s dying, i don’t care, he was only meant to be a distraction anyway.”
{TEXT} “yES, my introduction made her leave, as soon as i introduced myself she’s like: i don’t really want to be around this guy.’’
’'YES! THE DISCO SYSTEM IS MINE - and had a great price; it only cost one human life.”
“maybe i should buy a boat.”
“[they/we/I] don’t even sell drinks… you can’t even wash down your death meal.”
“food quality: normal, oh wait.. no that was the water.”
“i want to be the last thing they hear (before they die; me, playing) on this piano.”
“i forgot i have a kid here.”
“I always feel like he’s up to something… I just – he’s thinking about something evil.”
“Why do they even got this old dude running the party? It should be this old dude running the party.”
“Oh! I have an idea!” *proceeds to set a person/thing on fire*
“Why are you laughing?!” *realises it’s about someone’s death* “Oh, I like [her/him/you/them]” *laughter*
“Plus, no-one’s in there so I can get away with it scot-free.”
{TEXT} “Well, now everyone’s come inside and they’re all just watching me do this now… they’re happy about it for some reason though.”
{TEXT}“Oh, no, they’re not so happy about it anymore.”
“Wait, what? What’s wrong with you – oh, yeah, I turned them all into vampires! Of course.”
“HEY! Get down behind the counter, people can see that you’re not wearing pants!”
“[He] takes everyone’s food for no reason. [He] doesn’t even need it – [he’s] a vampire!”
“Jesus, I pay [that guy] $2 an hour…”
“This is actually a huge, generous act I’m doing here; paying [him] at all.”
“If they eat the poisonous meal, and then I drink their blood… am I poisoned?”
“I don’t even try with this stuff, it just kinda happens.”
“Sorry [folks], I hope this inconsiderate bastard dying didn’t ruin your day.”
Bad Cooking: Baked Alaska:
“Join me, on this great adventure, as we pre-heat the oven.”
“Sometimes I just eat a whole stick of unsalted butter.”
“This is about the daily recommended dose of butter. You should be getting this into your system at least every… five hours.”
“It doesn’t matter, that step isn’t important.”
“Spoiler… it actually is… very important.”
“This is a special irish plastic lemon… they’re ah, quite rare.”
“Ah! Oh! Shit, stop!” *Pause.* “its fine. It doesn’t matter.”
“It really, really matters.”
“I’ve never seen a cake look this good!” *shakes the tin.* “It… kinda jiggles a bit.”
“I call this the T-Rex Technique.”
“It’s as easy as that. Wow!” ß intended as sarcasm.
“This is the saddest cake I’ve ever seen.”
“This isn’t gonna work. This is gonna be bad, I know it is. I know it’s gonna be bad.”
“That sound is fine. That sound is supposed to happen… the sizzlin’.”
*is holding a fire extinguisher* *notices [you]* “Oh! It’s fine. We won’t be needing that. We’re just gonna be lighting some whiskey on fire.”
“Wow! [name] that looks great! That looks amazing!” ß intended as sarcasm.
“You’re not supposed to look at me. That’s supposed to be someone else.”
“Please don’t fall apart please don’t fall apart please don’t fall apart please don’t fall apart – It’s falling apart, wait, hold on.”
“Oh yes. Here we go. I feel like making a sand castle.”
“You could argue that it doesn’t look exactly like as in the picture. But I would say better – some would say better. I – I would say better.”
“Now we just need to light it on fire.”
“Realistically, it should be lit on fire. It’s the only –“ *laughs* “-It’s the only reasonable thing to do.”
“That’s not – that’s not gonna survive going the other way, so that’s how it is now.”
*drinks straight from whiskey bottle.*
*pours whiskey into saucepan/whatever it’s a thing on the hob* “Why are you backing away? WHY ARE YOU BACKING AWAY??” *suppressed laughter.”
“The [Meringue] was the downfall, that’s where it went wrong. As opposed to the rest, that – that went fine. That was great.”
“Okay. Well. That went well.”
Superhot VR But I’m More Like Super Not:
“Alright, let’s get started, I’m gonna… pick up, the gun.”
“And everything goes to hell right away.”
“So I can keep moving, do the ol’… roly-poly, and then shoot him. Easy.”
“Don’t shoot me, don’t shoot me!” *takes gun.* “Aha!”
“I’m just gonna stand here, I like the compliments.”
“Holy crap this is awesome! Floppy discs are back!”
“Oh god, I’m sorry, that was a bit unfair.” *saw you and shot you.*
“I smashed my wall so hard that I cut my hand. You should’a seen the wall though. I’m like… really really strong.”
“So this is what it’s like to feel cool. It’s pretty awesome, but disappointing to know I’ll never actually be this cool.”
“This is a nice bike shop, now that I look around. They don’t have many models, though, feels like a bit of wasted space.”
“Why am I throwing ninja stars? I have guns.”
“I am not a ninja. I am an action hero. Not. A. Ninja.”
“I need ninja stars now, all of a sudden.”
“That was probably a low blow anyway. It’s probably best I fail that part.”
“Like everything else I love in life, it disintegrated in my hand.”
“I don’t know why I just tried to catch a knife… by the sharp end.”
“Well I’m not gonna get a long life. Or maybe I will!”
“Once again, I am prepared for everything.”
“I had to look around me, because I was like, ‘this is the moment something comes behind me.’”
“I’ll just swat away their bullets like they’re just flies.”
“So maybe I’m actually a super villain as opposed to a super hero. I could believe that.”
Deathly Hallows Part 1 but we frustratingly finish the game:
“What the hell – what’s going on – why are you shooting at me?!”
“Wait – this is where we choose to camp; in this nuclear waste?!” *laughingly incredulous*
“Okay, fair enough… I mean, we were in a lovely forest but, I prefer nuclear reactors too.”
“I’d love to be able to count the days of two weeks on my hands.”
“Alright, you’re – apparently freed, now? I’m – not really sure how…”
“Like, do we not have anyone else that’s out here tryn’a help people? I mean, I’ve got a pretty important mission no-one else can do, can I not be doing that instead?”
“Oh my god, this guy’s strong, they’re just reflecting off him!”
“I’m just gonna keep running, it’s honestly not worth fighting from my experience.”
“Oh, this is the one that doesn’t sound as fun.”
“Oh. It’s just a newspaper. I thought it’d be like, a weapon.”
“That makes me sad, for numerous reasons.” *laughingly, but serious.*
“I’m not undesirable, lots of people desire me.” *mulish.* *pause.* “Alright, I lied, no-one does.”
“My god, he looks eerie as hell.”
“That doesn’t even look like what she’s saying, look at her lips. I think she’s possessed… Let’s kill her.”
“I’m not tryn’a be mean or anything, I know I just sound like a dick.”
“This is a lot of people to dedicate to just watching over my grave. Wait – my grave? No, my parents’ grave, my grave comes later.”
“Are you sure? It’s not like, obvious, at all.” ß sarcasm.
“That’s actually spooky as hell, not gonna lie.”
“Y’know, the house is just exploding… casual old lady stuff.”
*laughs* “I think I just got head-butted by a snake.”
“How many times am I gonna get head-butted? And how strong’s that snake’s head; he keeps head-butting me through walls.”
“Oh! Finally! You realise something’s amiss!”
“Here. Now you’re free. If you could help me, that’d be great.”
“Like anytime I kill people they drop like, random potions, and I keep wanting to drink them, but I don’t know, it seems dangerous.”
“At least he sounded thankful, the others just seem to go like ‘oh, cheers.’”
“Thank god the dead don’t know how to use stairs.”
“Like, what are you even doing? One, they’re not coming in, and two, you’re hitting the wall.”
“Sometimes you just gotta live with the consequences of your actions, y’know? [I] can’t always come save you. Even if [I] do have a bazooka.”
“Yeah, I think so too! Please!”
“Let’s see if you can handle it, then.”
“Oh. Okay, maybe you can.”
“Let’s choose the worst possible place we can find.”
“I mean, it’s nice and all, but it’s no nuclear waste, am I right?”
“Spiders I just ignore. Because they’re losers, and they have too many legs.”
“Is he following me? Or, is this following him? Either way, he’s got a lotta hazards to deal with, because I am not dealing with any of them.”
“Ah, thanks for just standing there.”
“I’m just gonna start nuking these snakes.”
“Yeah, I think we can beat the rock.”
“Yeah but you don’t need to scream or – or do anything, to be honest, I think you’ve just won by being human.”
“The only thing good about this is hearing [] in pain. That’s the only thing that keeps me going.”
“Don’t bother attacking them buddy. They’re already dead. Just like my love for you…”
“Oh come on now don’t exaggerate, I was fine. [] just kinda stood there.”
“You’ve changed since you came back, [], you used to just be pathetic… now you’re pathetic and mean.”
“Why does [] have all these dead people in [] front yard?”
“Now even the guy try’na explode the side of the house isn’t hurting me.”
“What?! We didn’t even do anything, we just [exploded] and [died!]”
“You had about ten minutes to figure out who I was in that fight.”
“Yeah, just shout my name. Really makes messing up my face worth it, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah I’m gonna blow this house apart.”
“Ah, this is gonna be traumatic, isn’t it?”
