mute me;

I keep wanting to make jokes but they’re borderline too real even tho it’s me making fun of my own problems 

is  milquetoast pronounced milk toast because if it is milk toast sweaty groping is the worst sentence ive ever read aloud hands down

Direct deposit > good morning texts

I went to smell my bra this morning to see if it was gross and for some reason the instructions got fucked up on the way from my brain and I ended up putting it to my ear and just listening to it for a second. Idk how my brain thought that would help, like if I could hear the ocean it’s time to put on a clean bra

once i got very drunk in a bar and my mum had to pick me up so i was trying to act normal by keeping the conversation so i asked her if shes a virgin and she looked at me with pain in her eyes and said “i wish i was”