"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."

I want to change my life.

im going in on a little self reflection here yet again just because its my favorite thing to do and its still the start of the year (its mid january): my life so far has been full of delays and detours. im 23 and some people my age do have it together, or on their way there, and im really proud and happy for them. my family is not rich, but i do recognize my privileges - some that i have grossly taken for granted in the past. i know if i made some choices and decisions differently, i would have had a more “accomplished” life to show for. but im past regretting, and i accept where i am now and the path i’ve taken. besides, if things had been different, i may not have met some special people or learned some very important lessons. instead of perpetually living in the past and in my head full of “what ifs” im beyond thankful for the life and the opportunities i have now.

My personal takeaway also is that, we need to be careful and take care of ourselves at wag na abusuhin ang katawan o sarili. I say this not because I want to preach or chastise other people or girls, but it just serves as a reminder for me personally. I know I had my moments too that I'm not proud of. Though I was never fully into that lifestyle (drugs, alcohol, party, sex) I'll admit it's one that has tempted me before. I'm happy that I had some good sense left and resisted that lifestyle and avoided that crowd.

I know it's so corny and some people don't like to hear it, but I've been really trying to draw closer to God. One thing that I learned is once you decide to follow Christ you die to yourself - your own passions, desires, and motivations. Jesus said, "Take up your cross and follow me." You no longer live for the world or yourself, but you live for God. You don't worship the flesh or the gods of the world (money, sex). By all means I'm not a saint but I'm really trying to change my ways and turn from that life of sin, because I know from experience that that life only brings pain, suffering, death.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

So submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you of two minds. Begin to lament, to mourn, to weep. Let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy into dejection. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will exalt you. James 4:7‭-‬10

that you should put away the old self of your former way of life, corrupted through deceitful desires, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new self, created in God’s way in righteousness and holiness of truth. Ephesians 4:22‭-‬24

So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corinthians 5:16‭-‬17

Maybe also it was a bit triggering for me, especially when I read some of the comments. They say that it was her fault for drinking with guys, or that she had taken or overdosed on drugs that led to her death. So I'm going to comment on that, not the actual facts of the case (that is to say, I don't claim any of the speculations are true or not, just that I'm commenting on what people say).

I've gone drinking many nights before, alone, with guys, at bars and clubs. I don't usually wear dresses when I go out, but I do like my form fitting jeans and a nice, cleavage top.

I don't do drugs. I've never taken them, not even the usual marijuana though I know and hung out in the past with people who do. However, I said I was open to trying it.

If you had followed me long enough (and care to remember) you would know a little bit of my sexual history (that I was a big hoe at 18 and I wrote all about it lmao).

I've also dated foreigners (this is apparently relevant because one of the comments said: "nagpa-ano nga yan sa Amerikano" - nevermind if boyfriend or hindi pero basta 'nakipag-ano' ka sa 'afam' parang deserve mo na rin palang ma-rape at mamatay, huh).

Napa-isip lang ako, given all this information about me, paano kaya pag namatay ako? Especially if I happen to die in similar circumstances - during a night out, with guys, at a party with drugs and alcohol. If I get lucky enough to make the news, I imagine the social media netizens wouldn't be kind to me. They would say the same things that it was my fault for drinking with guys, or I had incited some kind of behavior that warranted my death. They might even say I deserved it given my past behavior and less than spectacular history of sexual relationships. One of my fears actually if I die in the same way is that people would make stories or share malicious photos of me to prove a point. Of course I was not a saint, so it would be easy to make out that I deserved whatever horrible things that happened to me, regardless of what actually happened.

I wouldn't be able to defend myself from being mocked online by thousands of people who didn't even really know or cared about me when I was alive because I'm dead. The dead can't talk for themselves, so people feel as if they can assume anything about them.

It just made me wonder about the victims whose tragic deaths are sometimes sensationalized on TV and especially now easily circulated on social media. It made me imagine myself in the other girl's shoes, because honestly, if it can happen to her it can happen to me and other girls. I believe that the case should be kept confidential and left to the authorities, and as strangers on the internet we need to be kinder human beings and extend prayers, sympathy, respect and privacy to the families.