50 Shades of Aley

Learning, re-learning, unlearning

according to bibi -- this afternoon was frustrating and confusing. and i got scared to read that message -- it was a hard pill to swallow that I was in the wrong --

everyday i try to be the most "kayang pakisamahan" kid i want to be/should be/could be for others

but it's really different when it's yourself you disappoint the most -- this is even more difficult compared to disappointing others

so i guess for today's key takeaways and thoughts:

sometimes it's nice thinking about disappearing for a while, for a change

not everything's about you, Andy. some people are actually worried about other things like resolving issues on their projects at work

it's hard learning and unlearning things especially when there are situations that used to happen before and is happening now, that remind you of painful things

sometimes you'll end up mishandling things and situations because you just feel it being appropriate at the time

setting boundaries can be painful

you can be dependent on someone else's attention

--so much so that you can lose sight of what's more important in the present

keep your office hours purely about work and focusing on it

do not be so complacent about things -- communicate -- other people aren't psychic -- people get worried not knowing why you're fucking mad

there's this thing called ~misplaced expectations~

https://www.elevation7.co.uk/2014/09/misplaced-expectation.html

Misplaced expectations take something you would like to have happen and turn it into something you anticipate and expect will happen.

The Danger Of Misplaced Expectations

The Odyssey Onlinehttps://www.theodysseyonline.com › Student Life To expect is to "regard (someone) as likely to do or be something." Expectations can be placed on anyone or anything.

for example, just because a person can (and actually did - like Bibi in the US), doesn't mean they can do that always - juggling their time to make room for you

11. you can be embarrassed about things -- like being immature about a situation -- it's valid to not be able to communicate properly when this happens

it’s been quite heavy the last few weeks/days. parang shucks ang dami kong realizations, ang dami kong nagreresurface na hurts and pains. and i’m worried that i’m affecting my friends negatively emotionally. especially my current s/o. 

what eaf, ma-realize kong hindi pala ako handa. sa maraming bagay. lalo na sa pagmamahal niya? So I guess this letter is able to express somehow, my feelings.

My dear, ~Please know that I am grateful for you and all that you do and have done. 

But hi! The other day, you told me about your fears. And for some reason, I didn’t know how to respond to it. I could only listen, hear you out, or be there for you. I hope I was able to do that. So you see, this letter isn’t so endearing. It’s meant to slap me back to reality or maybe practicality. 

So similarly, meron naman akong what-ifs. As Gen Zs spell it nowadays, WHAT EAF. ‘Di ko alam anong trip ng Gen Z pero ayon. ANYWAYS HAHA What eaf - Sa loob ng tatlo hanggang apat na buwan, magbago ang isip ko? Paano kung magbago ang isip mo, moreso, ang damdamin mo? O ang damdamin ko? Posible naman ‘di ba?  What eaf - hindi naman pala tayo para sa isa’t isa? Nagkataon lang na nagkakilala tayo, nag-aminan, nagmahalan, pero hindi magkakatuluyan. Posible rin ‘yun. What eaf - I become so good at detaching, that I won’t be able to cling back to you? What eaf - after the SOL, I want to give others a chance to pursue me? What eaf - after the SOL, the Lord has other plans for my life, without you in it?

[Hindi ko kailangan ng assurance ha, pakinggan mo lang ang mga nasa itaas]

Walang sagot sa tanongggggg HAHA :)) But just like what ate Click said, this is where faith, trust and pixie dust come in HAHA JOKE! This is where faith, trust, and prayer in the Lord’s plans for your life come in. Sobrang daming pwedeng mangyari sa loob ng ilang buwan. 

Seize every single opportunity that will make you happy, that will help you grow more in kindness and love, and that will make you be more like Jesus for others. So contrary to what I may have mentioned in my previous letter, IF YOU CAN, please stop thinking about me. Let go. For a while. Even just for a while. Breathe deep. Immerse more in God’s presence and love for you. Do well in your chosen career. Look at others. Transform your feelings and love into something else. Because that way, you’ll really find out ho intense your love is for me. This way, you’ll find out na, “Okay, mahal ko pala talaga siya.”, na it isn’t a temporary ang-bilis-ng-mga-pangyayari thing. 

Mahal. Mahalaga. Magtatagal. 

One of my close friends told me to journal, or just write down what I’m feeling whenever I feel overwhelmed.

Life updates:

(1) Ya girl is in love with a man. who loves her back, and takes care of her. (2) Ya girl’s reviewing for the BLEPP this June 2023 (3) Ya girl’s still unemployed (4) Ya girl got invited to be a candidate for the covenant in our community Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon (5) My state of life discernment starts this February

The past few days have been veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy stressful and overwhelming. I have been feeling very pressured and because of that I’ve been crying a few times the last few days.

My parents have been pressuring me about finding a job this month. and my review for the licensure exams. and just telling me about my priorities and that i have to work on these first.

And then there’s community pressuring me about my SOL and my decision/discernment for accepting the covenant, and my services.

Thing is, I have to let go of a lot of things in the next few months. Undergoing my SOL would mean I have to let go of my love. And prioritising my review means I have to let go of my services- being PL, music ministry, and fellowship team. I have to miss a couple of district events and gatherings, i have to miss out on meetings that make me happy. Finding a job would mean my time for review will be split too. Accepting the covenant, and THEN begging off on my services in the next few months would be so ironic ‘no? Although I feel like that’s not going to be an issue. My concern is I would have to let go of things that make me very happy these last couple of weeks.

The pressure about the board exams is gaining in on me now. Sobrang nerve wracking, and I’m still not doing my best, or anything. I haven’t been doing my best. and I need motivation or inspiration. I need life-giving support. But my love couldn’t be there for me, my life-giving services, i wouldn’t be able to do. I understand that prioritising one out of the other is good. Passing the BLEPP would skyrocket my career opportunities, and I get a license - an achievement and a desire since studying psychology. And I’m really sold on that. And the SOL will be very fruitful, and would really confirm the Lord’s plans for my life. It’s just that, I think it’s human, normal, and valid to feel sad about what I’m going to give up.

So Dear Lord, please grant me the strength and grace to do Your will. Everyting that comes from you is good, and will be good for me. I will be undergoing struggles, I will be challenged, but I know the fruit of it all is going to be worth it. Please stay with me as I let go of some areas in my life and surrender them to You. I trust in Your faithfulness to Your promises for my life. And if some things are not for me, please grant me the grace to walk away from it.

love is all about balance - a balance between choices - and I mean choosing to do shit or deciding to stay, balanced with fate, timing, and chemistry. 

what a shit ton of things to think about. pushing and pulling. unsure if the other person likes you or not. there’s also a culture of upholding mysteriousness. i feel like vomiting.

and then there’s me.

after two whole months of being aware, constantly thinking about one person, acknowledging that i do immensely like him - i am now thinking about just letting him go. if he follows through, then okay,but if he doesn’t then, i’ll try to be happy, i’ll try to not get disappointed. 

is it because i know my worth? and i know what i deserve? i really think i deserve to be chased, pursued! but does he not deserve to be chased? is it my pride and ego as a strong, independent woman? or do i just feel discouraged?

i don’t know a lot of things. does he not like me? does he like someone else? is he dating someone else? is he emotionally unavailable? am i too forward with things?

thing is, i am worth seeing. and he is too, but if he doesn’t want to, then let it be. i don’t have control about a lot of things, especially his feelings. i can’t do anything about that.

i have been told many times to never settle for less. but i strongly feel he isn’t less. he is so much more. and if this isn’t our time, then let it be. eitherway, i’m gonna have to let it go, let him go. and just let my love fly and push him to higher, greater heights.

Hi Matty!

Malapit ka nang umalis! I won’t be seeing you for some time, but, if you want to talk, don’t hesitate to call me. Kahit butt dial pa ‘yan, I’ll make myself available ;)

I’ve been thinking for weeks, of what I’m supposed to say to you. Ano kayang pwedeng pabaon? You’re my third friend who’s leaving for abroad this year. Honestly, pagod na ako magpaalam. We’re not as close as compared to my relationship with the first two who already left, but I still feel the same melancholic, sad feeling. Paano ba naman? Sa tuwing nakikita kita, you would always bring a smile to my face. You would do something, and I would find it so funny, I would ROFL internally. I really appreciate that. You’re just so much fun to be with. And you’re such an inspiration. The type of service you show is top-notch, and always a 100 percent. Some of them are only for the little things like being a runner or the coffee guy, but even more so when you are entrusted with the bigger ones like organizing an activity or event or being the maintenance person. HAHAHA 

If it hasn’t already occurred to you in the first part of this letter, I adore you, Matt. You are a wonderful hooman being. Stay wonderful, stay awesome, stay cool. 

Okay, enough pambobola HAHAHA NAMBOLA LANG PALA.

When you feel discouraged, remember this: “Habang nangangamba ka sa sarili mo, mayroong mga taong nandiyan at naniniwala sa’yo.” Nandito ako, at naniniwala ako sa’yo. Nandito lang kami, at naniniwala kami sa’yo. We will be miles away from you, but it won’t change, how much we believe in you and what you can do. So keep running towards your dreams. Keep running towards the future God has set out for you ever since you were little. Keep running, until you no longer feel discouraged and doubtful of yourself. Keep running. 

When you feel wronged, remember this: “Lalaban ako para sa sarili, para sa pamilya, at lagi’t lagi, para sa tama.” Magulo man o tahimik ang mundo, lumaban ka para sa tama. 

When you feel tired, pwedeng pwede magpahinga. Magpahinga ka. Sa kahit anong paraang gusto mo, magpahinga ka. “Lagi mo namang kinakaya. Kakayanin mo ulit.” Do your best, then take a rest.

If you fall short, forgive yourself. Patawarin mo ang sarili mo. Sumubok kang muli. Tuloy lang, kahit na, kahit pa. Natututo tayo araw araw. Hayaang matuto ang sarili. Akala mo lang hindi mo magagawa, pero lagi mo naman kinakaya. 

Kapag naman naging masama ang araw mo, at sa tingin mo ay sinusubok ka ng panahon, tandaan mo: Lilipas din ito. Pansamantala lang ito. Kinaya mo ang araw na ito, lalaban ka ulit bukas, at sa susunod na araw, at sa susunod na araw. [Sisingit na rin ako dito ng isang mahigpit na yakap, Matt]. Malalampasan mo rin ito. 

Whenever you feel homesick, at least go back to this part: “Hindi dahil nami-miss mo, babalikan mo.” HAHAHAHAHAH CHAROT. You are in a place now that you have prayed so hard for. You are right where you need to be at this moment. May ibang lakas at tapang ang pagtanggap sa kahinaang ito. “Hindi ka umabot dito para lang sabihing ito lang ang inabot mo.“ Pero balik tayo sa itaas, just keep running towards the future God has planned for you even before you were born. When you feel homesick, you don’t have to get tf out of that misery, just endure it. Go to a Jollibee, go meet Filipino friends, [I already said this up there, you can call me ;)], watch Filipino films, listen to OPM. Tiis ganda ‘yan. No pain, no gain, luv. And pain, is temporary. 

SO FINALLY, “May laya kang maging ganap na maligaya.” Lumigaya ka, Matt. Hanapin mo ang kaligayahan mo, hindi lang sa mundong ito pero ang kaligayahang nagmumula sa Panginoon. Huwag kang titigil hangga’t hindi mo naaabot ito. Lumigaya ka, Matt.

Sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, gusto ko lang sabihin pang muli, nandito lang ako. Nandito pa rin ako. 

I’m supposed to be writing a Psychological report due tomorrow, but I chose to write this instead because I’m feeling very sentimental.

I hated my kuya for years. When we were younger, I hated him because, “ANG GALING NAMAN NITO SA LAHAT NG BAGAY.” Yep, he’s always good at everything he does, he can sing, play the guitar, dance, act(?), make friends, socialize, in leadership, I guess at bullying too HAHA He’s the most talented person I knew growing up. I also hated him because we always fought as kids, we were closest in age so it’s me and him with the playful banter, and umaabot talaga sa sakitan. I wished and prayed for a sister because of him. (Hi, Yssa!) 

When we were in HS I hated him because he’s such an attention seeker! And very demanding as a person. And when we were in college, all the attention was on him again! Because life happened for him. I hated him more because he was his worst self back in college. I was in pain for years. And I said, “Ikaw dapat yung pinagkukuhanan ko ng lakas. But why couldn’t I?” I wanted to rely on him because he was the only one who could understand him, but for years since we turned 18, I not only hated him, I loathed him. 

Fast forward to the year we were both 26. (Yes, there are more thatn 3 months in a year where we’re the same age) He’s basically my twin.

He changed. Hindi ko alam kung malakas lang ako kay Lord, or medyo na-delay lang si Lord sa pag-grant ng prayers ko, wishing for my brother to be well, to be okay, or at least be decent. He was suddenly washing the dishes, throwing out the trash, asking us how we are, making sure we were eating, making sure we were making the right decisions, I WAS BAFFLED. I remember that week, I was internally crying because, THIS. THIS WAS WHAT I WANTED FOR YEARS. I hated him so much for over 10 years that I forgot that people aren’t perfect. I wished for a perfect brother. I wished for someone to rely on for years. 

But all those years I hated him led me to become greater as person, I hated him for being talented? I aimed to master my crafts and talents. I hated him for being an attention seeker? I made my own path, away from his shadow. I hated him for being the worst person ever? I strived to not become like that. I wanted to rely on him for years? I learned to rely on myself and the Lord. I became a better person, not in an ideal way of course. BUT NOW. The important is what’s now.

I AM SURE, that my future nephews and nieces ARE IN GREAT HANDS! Your wife is in amazing hands. Because you’ve changed so much for the better, people can rely on you now, people can be weak and vulnerable in front of you, and you’ll push them to be braver, stronger, to take courage and risks, to be happy, to be also amazing, like you. 

Your journey wasn’t the easiest, it was VERY VERY DIFFICULT to see you in pain, to see how life got the best of you, but you got through. I know you gave up on a lot of things in your youth, but I am so so so proud that you never gave up on yourself. 

Soju, thank you for being a very integral part of his growth. I know your aim wasn’t to fix him, but your love really pushed him to become a better person. You are his rock, his refuge, all the things we couldn’t give him, you selflessly provided. You are wonderful, and I am so so excited for your future. You guys are amzing, I am so happy that I met you both in this life. 

Welcome to the family.

is it election anxiety? Most likely

is it self pity? Yes. Haunting memories of all the times na hindi ako pinili. Questioning.

is it not protecting my prayer time? Unforunately. I thought i could pick myself up after the retreat.

is it because i feel fat and don’t fit in my clothes anymore? I feel like my body type now needs to be reduced. Like it’s not normal. Like I’m not beautiful.

I don’t feel confident. I don’t feel reassured. I don’t feel like I can do things. 

I feel invalidated by my family - choosing to just keep on making me do things I don’t wanna do (monitoring/helping sister’s acads, chores)

I also feel like people are very irresponsible lately, that it directly affects my routine, my work, and my schedules (IM LOOKING AT YOU, PRACTICUM SUPERVISOR)

I also got reminded of my pain and my struggles for the past few years. How I’m still not healed yet. (BUT HEALING! And getting by. Getting there.)

I feel fearful of my future career, discernments, state of life and all the other important areas of my life that will affect my future. 

first off let me let off a bitter pill LOL i ammm soooo (stil??) hurt that all of my friends, peers, and batchmates are going forward with their lives and IM STILL HERE dang it it’s getting so much harder to manage and deal with the p a i n

just recently my dad purchased two female cows, and the other one is even pregnant. he’s really starting to slowly build his dream ranch starting off with purchasing cows from my uncle. and in my mind, i could have been the vet for these cows. i could have been a licensed vet now. i shoud be taking care of these. but im not. because i gave up. i gave up a past opportunity, a supposed family dream, part of my dad’s dream. that’s also partly why he sent me to vet school. and i feel so hurt and frustrated because i couldn’t fulfill that. even though my dad already comforted me and told me that it’s okay if i didn’t become one, that i’m bound to have another dream life, a different path. i still feel bad and guilty. that i couldnt be what I could have been. i feel like such a failure. or at least i feel like i haven’t achieved much in my 26 years of existence. 

maybe i also thought i couldn’t make it because i already lost 4 dogs in the 5 years i studied as a vet: puppy Meemo, Luna, Silas, and Kyo. I feel so miserable just thinking of them. How i could have been there for them if i only tried harder. i realize how lonely they must have felt. i am in tears just remembering how careless i was and that’s what killed them. it is a guilt i will bring with me for the rest of my life.

these discouragements have become wounds and hindrances that won’t seem to heal even years after losing them. thinking about their young lives that were entrusted to me and failing makes me distrustful of myself in living out big decisions for my life too. i could not even take care of others and myself, how much more making life changing decisions. am i really cut out for this life? am i really going to succeed in life? 

i now have to discern well about the next steps in my career. go abroad for good or go back to stay in the country? find a job near my home or far from home? choose my happiness, growth. and freedom or choose financial stability and an opportunity to save? 

i can’t believe that the first sentence i’m gonna write is, “I am in pain.” again. HAHAH the pain never stops I guess??

My friend says grieving isn’t linear. 

I can’t help but tear up. 

My regrets have turned into guilt, and then it turned into shame, and then that shame becomes jealousy. 

I believe I have moved on from switching degrees. But I feel I haven’t fully moved on from having lost my dreams of having a career as a veterinarian. I gained a new dream, but I think it is still valid to grieve for the ones I lost right?

A lot of my batchmates and juniors became licensed veterinarians tonight. PRC has released the results a few hours ago. I am so happy and proud. I have been for the past years even after I left CVM. But this year, the last year before graduating, it is extra, especially painful because it is yet another year of feeling this way. 

I first felt this way when my highschool batchmates graduated in 2017. More of them graduated in 2018. I felt it again when my Vet Med batchmates graduated and became licensed veterinarians. More of them graduated and passed the exam in 2020. And then more, especially my orgmates, in 2021. And finally, the last hit, the year I turn twenty six. The year I passed quarter life and my mid 20s, the year I’m nearing 30. A year I still haven’t achieved anything according to society’s standards. 

My friend says that we don’t stop grieving. We only learn how to live with it. We just grow around that grief. I’m scared of having to grow up and all I’ll feel is grief.

I always feel this way, but I also always find myself not doing anything about it. It’s like I haven’t done anything to ease my pain. It’s like I’m just stuck. 

I’m scared of, “Hanggang dito na lang ako.” Kasi parang ang tagal ko na dito. I try my best, but I’m still here, still never enough. 

[there might be spoilers ahead; don’t scroll if you haven’t seen the latest episode]

this drama has completely bamboozled me, left me flabbergasted and curious. it’s like i have no idea what’s gonna happen. it’s that clueless for me. it’s briliiant. i do have a few theories up my sleeve

theory 1: Min-chae was adopted by younger, single Hee-do before 2009/getting married accdg to anchorman Yi-jin. Min-chae’s last name was Kim in her birth certificate before being left for adoption, and Hee-do chose to keep Min-chae’s last name so Min-chae still gets to keep a piece of herself. 

to address the ‘gift from her dad’, Hee-do probably have helped Min-chae look for her biological parents but only successfully found her dad, and has been in touch with her ever since.

baek yi-jin and na hee-do have secretly wed in 2009, and probably the reason why Min-chae didn’t recognize Baek Yi-jin was because he looks older now, and goes by a different name.

Why does Baek Yi-jin have a different name? Because Yi-jin might have been adopted too by his current dad now. Remember that scene with a phonecall conversation with his dad, something about what happened 10 years before 1998/9 (?). 

Min-chae could have been too young to know/absorb all those revelations because it happened as she was growing up or being busy with ballet training and competitions.

theory 2: Hee-do and Y-jin break up due to their growing careers. Hee-do finds out that she is pregnant post-breakup but did not tell Yi-jin about the child. Hee-do marries another man for personal reasons, and this man adopts Min-chae, treats her like his own, thus her last name being Kim. This also addresses how she doesn’t recognize Baek Yi-jin. 

theory 3: Hee-do and Yi-jin meet again after breaking up, probably 2008-9. YJ Finds out she is getting married, Yi-jin approached her, they sleep together. Get closure. Realizes he’s not the man she used to love anymore. Hee-do marries her fiance in 2009.

I have indeed been sulking for two weeks now.

A number of reasons, or should I say, excuses? Physical concerns, family matters, social matters, relationships, academics, politics, almost every aspect of my life. But if there’s one thing I observed, it’s that they go on. Life goes on. They move forward, while I remain, sulked. Soaked? in the rain of my thoughts.

I am human after all, I believe it is valid to feel despair, regret, pain, struggle, exhaustion, frustration, and depression. But again, they move on, and I remain here. 

My younger brother got praised for his passion in writing, his skills, and his work earlier tonight at dinner. And for some reason, I felt like SHIT. I felt so dumb, and jealous, and I wanted to be praised too. I didn’t wanna feel like shit ever again. And I thought about my work. I could work too. I could work again. I could have given time for it. But I didn’t. I just sulked for the past two weeks.

The thing is, 

It is none of my fault. It’s not my fault, that my ex found love again (with his ex too).Ihave known this for a while, and I deliberately searched for them on Facebook and saw their lovely picture together. It stung, but I brought that to myself.

It’s not my fault, that one of my best friends whom I also recently liked in the past year, has started dating the love of his life. I was the one who stayed on in that conversation, I chose to listen and hear everything. It stung, but I brought that to myself.

It is not my fault, that my sister chose to hurt herself, to endure her pain, her struggle in dealing with our family matters. She didn’t know how to manage her thoughts, emotions and actions. She didn’t know how to move forward without her eldest brother. I was the one who chose to be affected by her actions. I too, was in pain. But I brought that to myself too.

It not my fault that a rude student came to my class, attended, listened, questioned, and then yelled at me. I chose to stop teaching regularly. But it wasn’t him who lost opportunities to earn. I brought that to myself too.

It is not my fault that I got sexually harrassed. They apologized, they moved on, they are probably moving forward with their lives. While I remained. 

It is not my fault that my brother got addicted to drugs, that he always hurt my parents. And did all the other bad things he chose to do. I was the one who chose to not forgive. I am in pain too. And I brought that to myself.

If there is one thing I learned from Our Beloved Summer, it’s that people have tendencies to live a pathetic life. I chose to live a pathetic life. I always thought that I was alone and done for, or that I couldn’t be happy anymore. I was the one who decided to live this way, and that is pathetic. I brought that to myself too.

So here I am, writing all of these things that I brought to myself. I am here to finally tell myself to stop living a pathetic life. Ano ngayon if they don’t respond well to you? Ano ngayon if they treat you like crap? Treat them the same way. You don’t have to stop your life just because you got hurt by other people. That’s on them, that is their fault. It becomes your fault when you start to live a pathetic life because of what they did to you. 

Go on. Go finish your thesis, even if you do most of it, even if you think no one’s taking initiative at helping you, at least you become the most prepared. That’s not injustice, it’s a lost opportunity for them. Go do all of those nasty chores, even if you think you are overworking and that the distribution is unfair. It’s also a lost opportunity for them to learn how to do those chores. Go teach again! If they are rude to you, just drop the call. You’ll still get paid anyway. It’s a lost opportunity for them to learn English. Go love again. Even if you think that you are not great enough for them, even if you feel sad because they did not choose you again. Your greatness is meant for someone else. It’s their loss, they just lost someone who could have loved them greatly too. It’s a lost opportunity for them to receive your love. 

two of my fave artists Ed Sheeran and Ben Platt have songs named bad habits haha anywayy i have to journal this because one of my spiritual mentors told me to process my feelings through writing now that i can’t express much or get things off my chest.

it’s been over 10 days since my brother left the house. a great part of me felt so relieved when he left ( actually until now ). but also now i feel kinda bad for myself because i can’t get things off my chest. i feel like there are things i need to cry out. maybe i kinda miss him. but then again, he needs to learn how to be independent all on his own. he’s been mooching off this house for far too long. without contributions, without anything pleasant. all he showed was his knack for cooking, music, and games. that’s all. other than that, it’s all bad vibes, walking on egg shells, and faking for everyone else. or idk maybe i feel bad for himself too, bc i don’t really wanna be in his position right now.

don’t do drugs, kids. it damages your brain, by a lot. you’re pushed to do bad things to yourself and the people around you. anyway, i am soooooooooooo tired of being the receiving end of things. 

let me try to remember the events. it might help me in some way. my memoriez kinda hazy so these might not be super accurate anymore

November of 2015 -  the first time he left the house iirc for two weeks? then just went back a week before Christmas i think December 25, 2015 - bursted out in front of all of us on Christmas day. tried to kill himself.or at least threatened to kill himself with a knife. because my dad wont let him borrow the car. Yssa saw all of it. just dragged her and my brother in the room until the shouting ended. traumatic af for her

sometime 2016(?) or 2017 - we fought for something idk iirc bc of the vaio???? i shouted so much shit at him & was super angry. for some reason he kept apologizing while crying. i didn’t have any of it lmao

sometime 2017 - him and mom fought, then he pushed her, she almost had a an attack or smthn, her BP went super high, i was in Los Banos i couldnt do anything. i was just super a n g r y again

May 2019 - bursted again and fought with dad. it was a shoutfest. he was drunk. i remember being grounded for like 3 months

September 2020 - started not eating together with us during mealtimes. idk? Dun wanna be questioned for his life choices? didn’t really wanna ask.

August 20, 2021 - fought with mom and Yssa. mom just told him str8 up to leave. 

these series of events doesn’t even include the other sudden outbursts to my parents and lil sis. tinatanong naman siya kung ano yung problema. binibigyan naman siya ng advice. ganon ba talaga kalaki yung need niya for attention?

anyway, now that he’s out and about, i just wish he finally goes to rehab, and maybe get treated for his alcohol addiction (?) if it’s already in that level idrk anymore. i also hope that he finally realizes to step up, be independent, and really provide for himself, forgive himself, and love himself wholly. 

and finally, i pray that he remains safe and protected from the virus. and that the Lord gives him a Saul moment, and go back to Him.

And no, it’s not a pregnancy scare.

July 5, around 2 in the morning, I casually checked the school portal for the class schedules of the courses I’m about to take this term. And suddenly, we’re allowed to enlist already so I was ecstatic. I enlisted in Research I, Foreign Language, and Child Development.  First bad news: one other major I’m about to enlist in conflicts with the thesis subject. Second bad news: we’re only allowed to enlist in 9 units for third year, 1st term. that’s now.

I was baffled. At first, I didn’t really panic a lot. I slept on it. When I woke up, I was almost crying. I told my parents about the situation, I was really about to cry hard. And then it really hit me: I could not graduate on time if I don’t take both major subjects this term.

I emailed the program director, telling her my situation, I have 30 units left to take this last academic year to finish the degree, but it had conflicting schedules, actually, they had the same exact schedule. And I also asked her how she could help me. She only replied one sentence: “Schedules are only subject to faculty availability.” I lost all hope.

But I was not gonna give up, I emailed the registrar’s office the exact same thing. A few hours later, around 1 am in the morning, I saw their reply, I’m only allowed 9 units this term which I already enlisted in. I can apply for overload but it’s only for graduating students, with the permission of our program director and I can’t enlist in subjects that are conflicting with each other. I lost all my faith.

I cried so hard in the shower. I just could not stop crying. My 3-year timeline was all broken. I couldn’t believe that I have to extend one term for a 3-unit subject, and I can’t graduate with my friends on July of 2022. I was heartbroken. I cried myself to sleep, and I had a scheduled COVID-19 vaccination in the morning which I couldn’t even concentrate on. There was a lot on my mind.

In the morning of July 6, I went to the hospital to get my vaccine, I was feeling a little bit better, but still somehow heavy. I didn’t enjoy my day at all. It was the worst. I should be happy that I got vaccinated with my first dose against COVID-19 but I couldn’t care. All my thoughts were all over the place. I lost count of how much I cussed in my mind.

Around 3PM, I got an email from our program director, she said that the schedules weren’t in conflict at all! She reviewed the schedules submitted by the registrar’s office and informed me that the 2 major subjects had different schedules. I asked her if I could apply for overload, and she approved. I lost all my tears.