ewuls locked in cages

“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes” - a smart person

I wanted to play a irl game of cluedo with my friends, while mentally unwell due to meds I should never been on. So of course it spiralled woefully out of my control. Winner winner chicken dinner.

To answer the question above I died many a-time, quote the French I died small deaths a total of zero in the petite mort but many in the emotional sense.

My ego died when I remembered Israel is a real place and people are horrible. My thoughts of me reaching nirvana shattered—

because no you are not a God you idiot-sandwich.

if you know where to look

If I Must Die

Poetry and Prose - Refaat Alareer

https://orbooks.com/catalog/if-i-must-die/

Volume 4

Written: 22/01/25

I AM A MATTRESS

When I am broken in,

and made comfortable,

You settle upon me.

I let you lay and sleep

soundly.

When I am a mattress

When I am broken in

and made uncomfortable,

I am replace.

I AM NOT A MATTRESS;

I am a broken bridge.

I can be fixed

And used again.

All the while

I say “thank you”

to all who cross me.

- 3oker of Ward 3

Written: 23/01/25

Must be a forbidden froot

From Eden. 13:13

Don’t box me in,

I’m fragile,

I need bubble wrap.

I am Pandora

Pandora is my name,

Once you get

to open me

up

I won’t shut

The fuck

Up.

Written: 27/01/25

Poem to the man who hurt me

Being friends with the monster inside my walls,

It takes my breath

No oxygen at all

Stop trying to tame me,

I’m not a dog.

They’ll say I’M crazy

And it’s NOT fair.

IF I MUST HURT —

YOU.

IT HURTS SO BAD

THE TEARS I CRY

ARE TAINTED WITH BLOOD

OF MY FAMILY LINE

I AM NOT DEAD

YET.

So stop trying to check,

it’s not something you can cash in.

Stop it.

Stop.

STOP.

FULL STOP.

IT IS A FULL SENTENCE

FOR YOU, I’M AFRAID.

Don’t hold me

Volume 3

Date unknown

Banshee’s in flight

When she screams

I roll over

and cover my ears

with the tears of

other people’s pain

set to melodies

When she cries

I close my eyes I look

through the lids

to see pictures

of endurance on screens

When she is battered and bruise

Sedated in the pose of the cross

After running from restraints

Being trapped

like a mouse

under a scientific scope

I curl inward

to not face the fact

I only have two options:

Be a bystander

or a stranger

to the atrocities

happening behind me.

For they have happened to me too

So I’d rather not know them again

Water

I need you

I’d never crave you

Unless I have been

starved of your absence

How Are You Feeling Today?

When I wake up

I do so knowing

That at night I’ll go back to a

Bed that is not mine.

When i stand in line for

breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

I am just a number

3

A string of letters too

ZJ

my name,

My family,

Personality,

History; all of it shorten to

something less than my name,

Which is only four letters long

Today I feel like yesterday

Today I feel like longing

for a tomorrow

that will never come

I had it so close

then i fumbled

in a way that could only be done

with a stick

or root jutting out

in the middle of a forest run

for my life

The curtain open or shut

In my room

Does not matter,

As sunlight

that reaches my windows

Barely make a difference.

“How are you feeling today?”

The same way

I’ve felt

since I’ve been

locked in this

institution.

Numb.

Sometime with a little spice

or some angst

but numb elation

is a facsimile of true joy.

How can I truly be happy

With a possible

half a year sentence

looms over my head,

all because of one incident

Because I was scared for my life

a second time.

I had nothing

and still, I was stolen from.

How would you feel

if you were me?

What I Realised

Beating and banging against

The walls of the cage

Like a heart

Soon stops when the fight leaves

Volume 2

07/02/2025

Beast of Burden

I carry the world

on my shoulders

Atlas

I walked miles

with numerous bags.

Some feel filled with what feels like sand

and the other with water

to keep me going

Breaking not the back

that stands tall

under all these pressures

I carry a piece of home

on my person to remind

myself where I came from

and a digital compass

Volume 1

06/02/2025

Snakes

Venom spit as they say

and do kindness that reeks of lies,

They won’t hesitate

to coil around you

in hug and bite you

in the neck like prey. They

to seem aloof,

fight seemingly only if provoked

but they cause all the ill-will

with just their presence

With they’re hiss alone.

Magpie

I spy a magpie,

A little birdie who like shiny

Shine shine shiny things

Sparkling and glittering in the light

Stargaze in the daytime

They find stars in the trash in the daylight.

Greatness

What we strive for

what some achieve and

still despair about

should would coulda’s

Great

something spat on a medal sticker to

give to the child

who had gone above and beyond

for a piece of plastic

to equal their worth.

Greatness

something we want

but can never have

Great

greatness is for a fool

A clown who believes

that they can one day

They could truly be

great.

Simon (Lord of the Flies)

Barely a teen

Only a child

Crucified for what

Killed murdered

Torn limb from limb by his

Brothers

for what?

The pig spoke lies

spun by he who cuts necks

Like Jesus,

Simon paid for their sins.

Like a deadman

handing from a branch

with a parachute

they made a Pinocchio of him,

dancing to two tunes.

Tolerance

I respect your boundaries

You respect mine

I spit on your identity

with a mouth shut

and you can’t

do shit about it.

Endurance

Like stamina

Like pain

Like grieving and living on

You live to let live and

You let die to let live

You try to let it happen

Wash over you like

Rain off feathered backs

Like a crow you remember

Like an animal