The Complete Elaine Ellis Guide to Fantasy Football
If youāve met me at least once, you can stop right here. Youāve heard this story before. If not, I am going to regale you with how I won my 2012 Fantasy Football Championship.
First, I am proof positive that you donāt need to have concrete knowledge to win. Fantasy Football is like being an American, you donāt need actual knowledge to have an opinion.
Now, I will share my three-pronged winning strategy.Ā
First, I picked felons. When felons werenāt available, I settled for any and all criminal offenses. This strategy was inspired by my friend Dan who told me that he was going to stop picking the good guys that everyone loves because they often did horribly. He told me that he was going to pick the criminals the next year. This seemed like a sound strategy because people who rack up DUIs arenāt likely to be team players. They are out for themselves and thus, are more likely to rack up points. I found a list of football players with criminal recent criminal offenses.
Then I picked good-looking players. Sure, this might seem like your typical female that doesnāt understand football approach. But itās a fact that everyone likes attractive people more. They earn more, they get promoted faster and theyāre more likable. It just seems that people would throw the ball more to them. So I chose players fromĀ Cosmoās hottest player list.
Finally, I picked Pro Bowlers. This just makes sense and tells you who the best players are without having to watch any of the games.
The trifecta for this was Adrian Peterson who managed to have been arrested for resisting arrest, be attractive and a ProBowler. Fantasy GOLD, right there.
Ā (my original picture wasn't even of Adrien. Amazing)Ā
Another tip: pick a kicker early in the draft, way before your WR* and RBs are filled because youāll get the best kicker. As an Irish fan, I contend that itās important to have a good kicker because if youāre offense (and defense) failed you, at least the kicker hopefully came through.
And thus, my team āTom Brady and the Felonsā was born.
This was pretty awesome because I got to trash talk at work via email using lines like this:
I've already picked how I'll spend my earnings...
A couple of these in aqua verde when I go to SeattleĀ http://glassybaby.com/shop/glassybaby/filter/color#aqua-verde
And every single time I use them, I'll think about how <redacted> lost to a woman who chose her players based on Cosmo's hottest football players list.Ā
Elaine is in the building.Ā
As for the 2013 season? I donāt want to Taco about it. But I definitely have my eye on Johnny Manziel for 2015.Ā
Ā *I still canāt remember what WR stands for or really what they do. You donāt need to know shit to play.Ā

















