365 Contemplations

January 24th, 2018. 

It’s late, and I’m still up studying. I should go to bed. I will go to bed now. 

I have turned my full length mirror around and am not allowed to look at it. I’m telling myself good things. I don’t always believe them, but maybe one day I will believe them. 

January 8th, 2018. 

It was a weird day for me today. I went grocery shopping and spent a fortune buying things I wouldn’t have dreamed of buying before. It was also freezing, but I liked going out. 

I’ve been working all day, but also not? I don’t know what happened to the WHOLE day. 

I told my roommates today about everything that’s going on with me. I cried, which I wish I didn’t. 

I also struggled today and had anxiety about it. I know that that’s normal, but I don’t know how to change. 

January 6th, 2018. 

Even though I am laughably behind on my work, I had such a great day today. I’m still struggling through things and had a more difficult meal experience than I have in a while. But I’m going to try to work through it. I also met some new people today, which was nice and made me feel more normal, in a way. 

January 5th, 2017. 

Oh wow it is cold out there. This is hands down one of the coldest days I have ever experienced. Also it doesn’t help that the heating in our apartment doesn’t work. So basically I am completely frozen. I also have to scribe this lecture and that always takes me a million years because I am so distracted all the time. I don’t know why I continue to be a scribe other than the fact that a little bit of extra money always helps. Though they definitely don’t pay us enough. 

Today has been a bit of a struggle for me, but it’s better. Sometimes I completely dissociate from what is happening to me, to the point where I wonder if I made it up. 

January 4th, 2018. 

School was canceled today due to severe weather conditions. It’s severe out there. It has been snowing nonstop and is definitely very windy. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to stay inside all day? The whole thing has been stressing me out. On top of the fact that I really wanted to hang out with quiche today. Or at least see his face?? One of the two. I’ve been wondering if it’s overkill to ask him if I can come over given the fact that he hasn’t replied to my messages in two weeks. What is one supposed to do with that? At what point should I stop trying?

Yesterday was my first day of treatment. It was definitely challenging and I’m pretty anxious/nervous about how the whole thing is going to go. I know that I have a lot of work to do, but I also don’t want to do it. It’s pretty scary. Thankfully everyone seems really nice and helpful. But I’m still scared. 

January 3rd, 2017. 

It is so, so cold in our apartment. I struggled to sleep. My nose is running. Have I mentioned that I’ve diagnosed myself with Raynaud’s? My fingers have transitioned from blue to white. I’m sitting on my heated blanket, which is saving me, but I’m still cold. I don’t know what to do about it. 

I’m a little nervous about today. Both about starting classes again and making it to my appointment. 

January 2nd, 2018. 

I’m back in New York today. The flight was fine, Alhamdulillah. I watched When Harry Met Sally and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory because I figured why not just stick with the classics. I got to school, went grocery shopping. It is freezing in my apartment and I’m not thrilled about it. I still need to unpack. 

I texted Q 1.5 days ago and haven’t gotten a response. I don’t know how to feel about that. 

January 1st, 2018. 

Clearly, I stopped my daily blog/journaling. I thought I couldn’t keep up with it. I think that decision has been detrimental to my overall health. In an effort to correct this, I want to start up again. What I think I will try to do is take 5 minutes every morning to jot down some thoughts - either for the day ahead or for the previous day or something random. 

Rather than try to recap all that has happened since my last post, I want to start anew. This is a new year, and now it’s my fresh start. 

I have many challenges ahead. I will try better to navigate school, my health, and my life. I think it will be difficult, but perhaps this is part of my path to a better me. 

August 5th, 2017. 

I inadvertently found a way to ruin my own night last night, as I tend to do. And now, like every other time, I will have to figure out a way to pick up the pieces and carry forward. 

Anyway, I got up this morning and headed down to NYC! EXCITE. Unfortunately the subway lines are all messed up, so I ended up waiting for a train that was never coming. Luckily I worked it out. But it was relatively easy to get to Grand Central Station from here, so I’m super grateful about that. And I was able to figure out how to buy a 10-ride pass that works out to be cheaper than buying individual tickets one-way or two-way. 

I met up with my best friend Julia on the upper west side. We went to a place called Alice’s Tea Cup for lunch. We had  to wait an hour! But the food was decent. We got a 6-cup tea to share (Alice’s Blend), two scones (pumpkin with caramel glaze, another called “turtle” with chocolate chips and caramel), and then I got a small cup of carrot ginger soup with focaccia. 

Afterwards, we went to the American Museum of Natural History. I really enjoyed it! We were there for 3 hours, but still didn’t get a chance to see everything! It was just fun looking around. 

August 4th, 2017. 

Happy birthday Barack Obama and John O’Callaghan. Two of the most influential people in my life. 

It feels like this has been the never-ending week! Like they were trying to keep us so busy that we wouldn’t be able to pay attention to what a massive change this is for all of us. 

We did a bunch of professional development stuff today, which I actually really enjoyed. I got to known the people in my house better. And then we prepped for anatomy! Which was both amazing and scary. I’m so ready to begin learning things, but I’m also not ready at all. Luckily so far I really like my anatomy group. I hope that I can continue to enjoy their company. 

August 3rd, 2017. 

I had a long day today. I went to bed at 1am last night (which was my own fault), and then had to get up at 6am because my dad and sister were coming over because my car was being delivered. It made it! Alhamdulillah, Andrew (my car) made it to New York! I’m so glad my dad was here because he was able to help me get it all sorted and I was able to get gas and find my parking spot and everything. 

Afterwards I had more orientation. It seems like it is never-ending! It was about wellness and mental health, which is definitely a good thing to be reminded of. I’m glad that it feels like we have a lot of avenues for support at this school. 

I spent basically the entire day being completely and utterly exhausted. In the afternoon the school dean’s had a BBQ for the students, again with Kosher food (bless). It’s nice that we’re getting so many meals early on. I don’t know how I’m going to be cooking throughout med school. That’s another thing. People are freaking me out with talking about how hard all of this is going to be! I hope I can do it. 

I met my adviser and house today! I LOVE my adviser. Absolutely love her. I would really like to get to know her better and get her to know me better. I have to make it happen somehow. I also really like my house members. They seem like a nice group of people. I actually even knew some of them before meeting them today, which is very cool! 

August 2nd, 2017. 

Today it was pouring and lightening was flashing and thunder was roaring. But we also took a yacht cruise on the Hudson River all around Manhattan and it was kind of incredible? It was like two opposing forces butting heads. 

We had a seemingly light morning for orientation, although truthfully everything is still feeling a little overwhelming. Then we got a good chunk of time off in order to get dressed. Afterwards, while it was still raining, we headed down to the docks in Manhattan to board the yachts. I have never been on a yacht before, nor have I ever thought that I would one day be on a yacht. We walk in and they’re passing out glasses of wine (obvi a no-no) and sparkling water. We gather ‘round and later sit. We eat guacamole and chips and bakes vegetable thins and dip and sliced veggies. We listen to music, we see incredible views of the NYC skyline, the Statue of Liberty as the sun is setting, Lower Manhattan, the Brooklyn Bridge. We eat a dinner buffet (kosher!) of bread, pasta, roasted vegetables, rice, meatballs, chicken, beef, salads galore, quinoa, tilapia, salmon, sea bass. People dance (I do not), people sing, people get drunk (I do not). I came to the stark and rude realization that this is the first party I have ever been to where people around me are getting wasted. I didn’t like it. In the future I will try my best to avoid these types of functions and situations. We ate dessert: ice cream, fruit, brownies, etc. 

People looked wonderful, but I had no idea who they were. I should start trying to get to know people a little better, right? It’s kind of overwhelming to be meeting so many new people and failing to remember their names. I also just feel like it makes me so uncomfortable to introduce myself to other people that they don’t do it for me either. Does that make any sense? 

August 1st, 2017. 

I really and truly cannot believe that we are already at  August. It boggles the mind. I also still can’t believe that I’m at my medical school? This is weird. We had a jam-packed day of orientation. Mostly it was a lot of safety information, which is an obviously important thing to have, but also something that can unnecessarily freak you out. Do you know what I mean? 

We also had an ice cream social today in which I ate berry sorbet. Did you know I was lactose intolerant? Well, I am. Sometimes that doesn’t stop me from eating ice cream, but I have learned to pick my battles carefully. This was one of those times where I deemed it was more important to NOT have ice cream.

We spent a good remainder of the afternoon organizing the kitchen. We have a lot of stuff, but also my things are kind of separate so that they don’t touch non-halal meat. 

July 31st, 2017. 

Wow, today was kind of a blur. The morning started out with a student breakfast. I had to eat a croissant, but what I was really craving was oatmeal. Actually super bummed that that didn’t happen. And then we proceeded to listen to hours of welcome remarks and logistics. In a room with no windows. Which is I’m pretty sure is where I will be living for the next year at the very least. There and maybe at the library? I don’t really know. 

Anyway, after that we had to do some registration activities. Afterwards I got to come back to my room where my family came, too, in order to drop off some stuff that I still needed. My mom also brought some leftover food from a dawaat they went to last night - ultimate score! The food was some of the best food (biryani) that I have ever had. Then we had to go back to campus in order to listen to three more hours of logistics. I’m actually kind of surprised at how exhausting the whole ordeal was. 

I haven’t had any formal studying or homework or anything, but it was recommended that we start reading some things and getting into it, so I tried doing a little bit of that. I also watched an episode of Prison Break because I figure this is kind of my last chance. I’m still wondering about what the work load is actually going to be like. 

July 29th, 2017. 

Today has been such a weird day. We’re still out here in East Durham so my dad can hang out with his friends, which, like I said, I’m cool with. But we had to take some time out in the afternoon to head up near Albany where I proceeded to shop like an absolute maniac for homewares. Wow, I had a lot of things to buy. And while yes, I made a list, I still feel like seeing the number of things I listed versus the actual volume and cost of such thing was something I greatly underestimated. I mean, I had to buy so. much. stuff. Because I’m basically building a new life out here, you know? And there is just a lot of stuff. Because I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that I might actually be a little high maintenance. But also I don’t want to come across as an inconvenience to anyone else, namely my roommates, so I’m really trying to come as prepared as possible. Despite the crazy amount of shopping I did today, I still have a ton to do tomorrow. For one thing all of this stuff wouldn’t possibly fit in our rental car, so I’m waiting to buy them. But also the fact that I have a ton of groceries to buy because I’m having to start with all the staples like flour, sugar, salt, pepper. You know, the things you don’t usually have to buy regularly at the grocery store because you usually already have it. Absolute craziness. 

July 23rd, 2017. 

[Edit: This post is out of order because of an error I made.]