Welcome

oh my god i miss my friends and i feel dead

The sad thing is that at my school I have way more friends than I've had before and I'm more outgoing and social because of it, but I don't have a best friend. I don't have a genuine friend that I can go to and tell all my frustrations to. It's just that I'm too scared of connecting with them.

I'm also sorry to my internet friends that I can't see you. I don't know you guys can be throwing a party that I'm not there being annoying I don't know. I'm just sorry I couldn't be there for you guys and be genuine. All I did was sort of be there. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough and I'm sorry I was useless

but I miss you guys so much

Stories for two different people. For the person the first thought is dedicated to, I hope you realize who you are and how much you mean to me. To the second person the second part of text is for, I wish you knew who you are.

1. I once dreamed that I was held by you and cared by you and we hugged and laughed. It was lovely as we went out to eat and we enjoyed each other friendship. Though when I woke up, I cried. I realized you were never truly by my side, and how you're out of my reach. I cried of how close we are, but how far away we are from each other. How sad.

the voices are tell me that nobody gives a jack shit about me except for a selected few

the voices been correct about everything they said believe they said believe

i'm about to believe

shit it's too early in the year for self-loathing

probably because i'm listening to songs and i realize i can't sing

then i realize i can't do much

draw yeah but no goooood

so pretty much useless

i also m not pretty

vagueblogging about a person that's what im going to do under this read more

this one down here

SOBBING SOBBING SOBBING

*drowns from tears*

I like not being able to feel but I want to be with people and sometimes I wish I could feel guilt more (maybe not as strong as the time I actually felt it) so maybe I can feel more emotions and maybe feel more real and be real to people and be more sincere. It's an ugly feeling, but isn't it worth it to have friends

The only worrisome thing is that I feel true deep love for one person. And it makes me feel alive and I would do anything for that person since I know it would be good since I actually feel emotions for them and i don't want to lose them I don't want to lose the feeling i don't want to lose the thing that makes me feel real and human even though im not.

I also wish I could reveal all my lies. But that's basically social suicide and I would lose people I actually like and call friends even though I tormented them for so long but now I actually worry for them.

I have not written in this for quite a long time and I have a lot to say. I should just make a table of contents for the amount of complaints I have to say.

aksljksdgjkl let's start with personal shit. So I really want to go to Indiana, to live with my grandparents. I have many reasons I want to go, but I fear of telling people the reasons why

Maybe because when you've been lying for so long you get used to it. But also when you lie you have so much truth to tell. But what will people say or judge when it's too late then?

My mother is sort of one of the reasons why I want to go. She is a nice women, but sometimes can do things that are mean. (I told you this shit was personal and had family problems). She's sort of delusional and manipulative  Before my sister would fight with her and I would stand by the sidelines and not say a thing while my sister got sad that I didn't stand up for her when she has been so kind and stood up for me for years. But in the recent years I was sort of realizing how wrong my mother is, but whenever I try to speak my opinion, she says I'm going against her and changed. I mean I did change, but she changed too. I was sort of realizing how important somethings are and I realized I was really stupid back then and I'm still stupid now but I realize it. Though whenever I bring up the topic of leaving, she gets mad. She reminds me that she brought me into the world and fought for me. Though it basically says that I am worth a lot of stress and work and I don't want her to be like that. That's why I want to leave. So she doesn't have as much stress. But she keeps yelling, and it's making me sick.

Another reason is sort of my father. All he cares about are grades. His household is a better place for me than my mother's because he has more wealth and can provide with much more but he's under a lot of stress. But what he stresses so much about is my grades. He basically one day said to me that if I don't get my grades up, he's just going to give up on me and send me back to my mom's where I can just fail. He's not even helping me with my grades he's just expecting. What does he thinks going to happen when I go to my mom's? It's just going to get worse. He's basically just taking away my hope of going to Indiana, my hope of getting better grades, my hopes of a good future. Because he doesn't care unless it's good grades.

I just want to be with someone who cares. My grandparents care. They don't know me too well but are willing to have the patience to understand me even though how weird I am. They are willing to love me without knowing me. That seems great.

blah blah blah other stuff

I haven't used this for so long because I haven't had much problems. Like mental issues, but for some reason, lately things seem to be weird. As if it's sort of coming back. The panics. The fear. For a month I thought I was okay, but then as quick as it came it was gone.

I had like a spark of confidence, but I guess I got too arrogant and over my head. Like I was crawling out of anxiety to feeling normal to confident to an ultimate douchebag. I guess I will try to get better. Maybe not swear as much. Maybe be not as lewd. Maybe I will be better.

Maybe I will be better with stuff. I want to be good at stuff. I don't know. I really want to be the best like no one ever was. No but seriously I want to be good and useful. Not just an annoying complaining walking useless bag.

I'm missing so much people and I want someone to hold. Really badly. But I feel sick and dirty and filthy like nobody should touch.