figuring it out as i go

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2021)

Okay diva, buckle in cause this is a doozy. There's so many layers this time around so let's start with looking back before we dive into today. This is the 9th letter you've written to yourself. 8 years since you were a senior in high school. It's so fun to look back, especially at all the old blog posts and see how much you've changed and grown but honestly how much you've stayed the same. I always think about how when I was blank age, I never would have imagined where I am now, which is more true than ever right now. But I think what's so special about that is I am able to grow and change without knowing it's coming or happening. That's how life happens, it doesn't tell you it just arrives and you go with it. And you hope that on that journey you keep with you what makes you special and you let go what holds you back. I know that I'm not at the perfect place quite yet but that's apart of the fun, always striving towards better. It's really funny looking back on a year ago. It almost seems like that year didn't even happen, it was a blip and has been cut out all together. I love looking back though and looking at pictures and remembering. As much as in the moment I felt guilty and bad, I now miss those days and adventures. I think about how much I wasted certain opportunities and didn't take advantage of everything offered to me. Being stuck at home especially has made me realize once I am able to have those adventures again, I am enjoying them to the fullest extent possible. 

But let's recap this past year. Since April 27, 2019, I was in Canada. I came home and watched 2019 graduate. I found my new place in a setting that was familiar but not the same. I accepted that this was a new time and that things were not gonna be the same. I found theatre and felt all the ups and downs. I went to the wedding which was such a beautiful impact of old and new. I travelled back to the places that felt like home. I grew my family. I watched relationships evolve and mature and grow. I came up with a plan. I got into grad school. My niece was born. And now I'm stuck at home for who knows how long. 

As special as this past year has been the really defining features have been discovering what I'm here for and what my goals are for the future. The future doesn't look blurry anymore, I have  clear path and set goal for what I want to do. And while I still want more than just that, I know that that's okay because now I have the time to plan for those too. And in the meantime, enjoy everything as much as I can. 

Life has changed in such an unexpected way these past few months. I don't know when it's gonna end or where things are gonna go from here. While it's been challenging and difficult, I'm glad that I've been able to reconnect with those that are important to me and to the things that mean the most to me. It may be difficult now but I hope that you are able to look back at this strange time in life with some fondness. And most of all I hope that you are able to enjoy this year. That's really what this is all about. Enjoy life. Love others. Make the most of your time here. The rest falls into place. The rest will come and go. But you need to remember to enjoy every moment to it's fullest because you're definitely not getting younger. And even though I may not know exactly where you'll be in 2021 because of the world right now I know you'll be okay. Stay safe. Smile lots. Send love. 

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2020), *NOTE* I am writing this a week early because I'll be out of the country on the actual day so I jus want to make sure it gets done, I promise to get it right next year!

Okay. Wow. So many thoughts where to even start. I think I'm going to break this letter into 3 parts. 

Part one. Reflection. Kendall. This is the eighth time that you have written a letter to yourself. I know you love reminding yourself of your accomplishments, but I think that's important. It's so important for you to remember that you have done great things and will continue to do so. Eight years you've been looking forward to the future and I think that this year is one of the most poignant. Which leads to...

Part two. We need to talk about this past year. That's so funny that you didn't know where you would be. I mean, it makes sense. But when I wrote last years letter feels SO long ago. And the fact that I didn't have plans past January and I was really just letting up to the universe to decide. And I think the funniest part is all of those things were somewhat true. I am very broke and somewhat homeless. I am somewhere else out in the world, Virginia. I am moving back home in two weeks (one week once this letter is out). And I have been traveling the world this whole year. This past year has been so important for so many reasons. Honestly so much has happened it really blows my mind. I think that the way I felt about home a year ago is important. It's important because that isn't how you felt when you first made the decision to leave. But then things changed. You got attached. You found your passion. Something that I didn't necessarily imagine would happen. Being away this year has showed me that. And while being at Disney was amazing and I know that it is a passion of mine, I just felt guilty being there. That's something that I've been struggling with all year, the guilt of what I'm doing is selfish and pointless. Why be here when I could be doing something important. Well, because I didn't know that it was important then. And now you do. Traveling the world has been amazing. Spending time with your family has been priceless. These are things that I always wanted to do and you go the chance to do it. And even though it was hard at times and didn't always feel right, I hope that you are able to look back at this year and just be happy. This was so special and you need to know that.  

And now, part three. The future. Kendall, when you read this you will be newly 26. I have told myself that 25 will be different. It's the year that I grow up. The year that I start taking care of myself and those around me. The year that I dedicate myself to what's important. Now that doesn't mean I'm changing who I am or the person I am. But just what I choose to put my time and energy into. I need to make the most of my time here and that means taking care of me in every aspect possible. It's funny reading what I said about sabotaging myself. I kind of forgot about that idea. While it's kind of true, I see now that I wasn't trying to make my life harder, I was just trying to justify a decision that I was scared about. Kendall, I hope that it doesn't feel like you gave up. Yes you are going back to something familiar, but that is all the reason why this past year for you needs to be the best and hardest yet. You need to try. You need to take risks. You need to push yourself and grow and learn and evolve. You need to grow into the person who I know you can be. Don't be stagnate. Don't settle. This is the only time we get and it would be such a waste to let it go by. I don't know what this next year holds or how it will treat you. But at the end of the day you need to make the most of your time here. So have fun. Care for others. Smile. And never forget what it is that makes you you. Keep going. And see you soon. 

Love forever and always, 

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2019), Listen y'all, this is the SEVENTH letter that you have written to yourself. Let that just sink in for a second. Either way here we are. We got a lot to discuss! Last year you recapped the past 6 years and it was so great, I loved it. But now especially, there is a lot happening in the next year so let's talk about it.

When you are reading this in 2019, I don't know where you will be. I mean that in so many ways. Physically, where are you? In an apartment in California? On the streets cause you're broke and homeless? Back home cause you left? Or maybe just somewhere else out in the world? Regardless of where you are, I'm happy for you because you are doing it.

I know you could never forget where you are but let's talk about right now. I don't know if you've ever been as happy as you are now. You are surrounded by so many people you love and everyday you are just embracing yourself and letting others in. This experience has been unlike any other and it really has changed so much for me and I love it. But also that's why I had to leave.

Here's the real tea if you're ready, I think that I feel a need to sabotage myself. Like things are so good right now, but I want it to go wrong. For my whole life, I've been doing what I've thought I am supposed to do. Making the decisions that were set up for me that seemed right. But I've never actually had to make any hard choices. So I want to put myself in a place where I have to make choices. I know this makes no sense and is ridiculous, but this year I've been more and more reckless and I think that's why. I know it's probably not a good thing, but like, we doin it and who knows what will happen. I think that part excites me.

There are some big things ahead for you in the immediate future and I'm so excited, but also I'm excited for now. I'm excited for who you have been, who you are, and who you will be. I know I say this to everyone but I mean this to you the most, thank you for being you. That's all I could ask for.

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2018),

Wow. I don't know what else to say. It's been FIVE years since I wrote the first letter. In the grand scheme of things, five years is nothing, it's literally a millisecond in the landscape of the universe. However, for Kendall, five years has been a LONG time and so much has happened and changed, but also not. But before we get into that, let's just have a recap. This is where you were at each year when you wrote that letter:

2012: A senior in high school. This one blows my mind the most. I was literally 18 years old. And I had no clue what was coming next. 2013: A freshman in college. I was still figuring things out. I think my mind was trying to pretend like things weren't different. That I was growing. That things were happening. 2014: This is when things were starting to sink in, but I was still thinking from a stand point as that senior in high school. Worried about changing who I was and what I was supposed to be. 2015: This one is the most interesting. This was a BIG year for you. Especially this time specifically. You were, in a way, broken. The weight of how far I had come finally crashed on me. It was all finally real and I had to learn how to deal with that. 2016: This is post broken, but pre new. I was still navigating this new world and trying to figure out where I belonged. You were a senior in college. It was such a transitional phase. You didn't know where you were going or what was going to happen, but you were here for it all.

And now we are here. I've said this before, but I think about what my past self think about what I'm doing now and no matter what I never would have imagined this is where I would be now. I'm at home. I'm teaching. I get to hang out with one of my best friends every day. I have so many amazing students. Like, you made it, Kendall.

I was reading through the old letters and this was one line that stood out to me from 2014, "I want you to live up to the potential that you have been creating for yourself." Just take that in for a second. It all clicked once I read that. All the years leading up to this, I have been creating this potential for myself. All that time I was so upset with myself for not being what I wanted to be, but I realize now that I just wasn't able to yet. But here I am.

Yes, I'm an adult now. That's still wild and I'm not 100% how to navigate it at all times, but I think the best part about it is that I have the freedom to do what I think is right. I don't have all these barriers anymore, many of which were honestly self inflicted. I've finally allowed myself to do what I've always wanted to do. And it feels so good.

So where does that leave you? I'm not really sure. Even if I don't 100% know where I'm gonna be a year from now, that's okay. That doesn't mater as much anymore. I just know that if I'm continuing to do what's important and special to you, that that's all that matters. Keep doing you, Kendall. It's finally working.

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2017),

This is the 5th time I’m writing a letter to myself, that’s crazy to me. Every year I go back and read over the previous letters and it’s so funny to see the progress. But also, It’s a good reminder of everything that happened that year. A common theme I talk about is change. I think that’s something I’m weary of, I don’t know, I’m scared of it, but also excited by it, but not excited enough to embrace it sometimes, you know? That’s something that’s changed this past year.

I can’t help but find it hilarious that last’s years letter was written on the day it was, it was the day a big part of my life changed, I realized that I still had to write the letter late that night and just laughed because I knew I wasn’t in the right mindspace to write a letter, but I did it. But here I am, a year later and so much has changed and happened, that day seems like a different lifetime. This past year was easily the most insane, new, crazy, scary year of my life. I did so many new and exciting things. I taught, I went on a trip through Asia, I did the college program, I moved on my own, I got two new jobs, and so many things in between. And while I’m still not 100% sure where I’m going and that is something that scares me a lot, I think that it will be alright.

Here I sit as a college senior and you are going to read this letter in a year, a year into this whole thing called adulthood. I don’t know where you’ll be. I don’t know what you’ll be doing. I don’t know anything about 2017 Kendall and honestly, that’s kind of exciting. There are so many possibilities for the future. You’ve spent the past 4 years perfecting who you are, it’s time for you to go out into the world and be. Be the Kendall who’ve I’ve wanted to see spread his greatness throughout the world. Be the Kendall who will change lives and make magic and do good for those around you and those not. There’s so many possibilities and opportunities, there’s no way you can choose wrong.

So as a Kendall who is a year younger, all I can ask of you is to do what’s right and to have fun while doing it. As long as you keep that in mind this year, there’s no way things can go wrong. Until next year.

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2016),

This certainly has been a year, hasn't it? There were ups, downs, twists, turns, so much life happened and I don't even know what to say about it all. You continued to do what you love, I'll give you that. You went to more concerts than I can count. You went on 5 different trips. You found new things. You learned new things. You failed. You got back up. You grew. It's almost a little serendipitous that today would be the day that I have to write this letter. It's the day I walked around after work. A lot. And I thought. A lot. I had a plan this past year. It didn't work out. I still haven't gotten to where I want to be. But the thing is, I can see it coming. I have so many big plans and exciting things coming in the future and I know it will be amazing. Every single one of those things that I wanted for you last year, I still want for you. I'll always want those things for you. But I think that this years has been a time to figure out how to do that.  I've made a lot of mistakes along the way, but that's okay. I'll learn from them. In the next year, I want to see things really pop off. I mean, even in the past few weeks you've done things I never could have imagined. I don't really know what is going to happen. Where I'm going to go. What I'm going to do. But, I know that you will make the most of it. You will do the right thing, even if it's not easy. Everything that's happened so far has happened for a reason. To get me somewhere. I may not know where that place is right now, but I'll figure it out, I know I will. Most importantly, I want you to make others happy, and that includes yourself. It's our job to find joy in our lives, and I want you to find as much joy in as many people as you can. And Kendall, you can do this.