If you all hadn't known, I have had extremely large amounts of bad luck that started back in September of 2013 and has been ongoing since. Last April I had found out my father, which I hadn't seen but twice between 1987 and 2012 when we were reunited again in that summer of 2012. Him and my now late Aunt had been cut off from my siblings and I since I was 5 years old. A very traumatic incident had occurred and my mother had filed for a divorce, explaining to him that he would never see his 4 children ever again. In January of 2014, for the first time since he was 3 years old, my younger brother met his father. I had taken a road trip to Connecticut, where we were born, and took a ferry to Port Jefferson Long island. Although I had not seen my father in nearly 30 years, we did communicate for a few years prior when I was caring for my elder grandmother (of my mothers side). She had dementia after having a stroke, which left her paralyzed on her left side of her body. It wasn't until after my grandmother was put back into a hospital, that I first initiated a meeting with the man which I related to as Dad. It wasn't until 2014 when I saw my father again. Nervously, I had encouraged my brother, which over the past couple of years I had been trying to set up a to meeting with our dad. One day he took me by surprised and finally agreed to go with me and meet him. Being 3 years old when he last saw his father, my brother really hadn't very memories of his dad. I sat and watched them talk for hours as they engaged in many of topics. It was touching to see my father so happy, and I am very glad I talked my brother into seeing him, because that was one of the last times he had seen him. When we visited my father, I had noticed he wasn't getting around as easily as he once did. About 10 years prior he had told me that he was a cancer survivor. He had chosen to have radiation done over surgery to try and dissolve the tumors he had growing in his prostate. From that it was very difficult for my father to get around. What I had found strange was that my father was also on oxygen. He had been a faithful Marlboro red smoker for approximately 50 years. He had stacks of delivery bags from the Amazon.com pantry. It had seemed that my father hadn't left his as often as he once did. Another thing that I had thought was very odd. His was not pale, but is was a shade of grey, and it was sunken in and somewhat saggier than I had remembered. His Home was a mess. The man could barely get up out of bed to walk across the room without latching onto to his dresser and maneuvering through his bedroom. The only thing that really mattered was that my father had been smiling. I hadn't seen him smile like that since our reunion. It was a look not just of satisfaction but it was also pride. My father for the first time in over 30 years had gotten to do the one thing he had never thought he would get to do ever again in his lifetime. It was also one of the happiest moments I have had since 2013. Once my brother and I had gotten done spending the day with our father. We had road back upstate together. We spoke of the past and the future. My brother telling me how he wanted to invite our father to his wedding the following February. He also told me how he wanted to start calling him every week to check in on him. I told my brother that would make him very happy and I was glad he had gotten to enjoy his day with his father. I also explained to him that I think that our father wasn't in good health. The last time we had seen each other he was in much better health. He also was with my Aunt, who if you didn't know the two of them, any given person would had thought they were an old married couple. They were always seen together and to me were not just siblings, but they were also best friends. Much like my brother and I. The only difference was that all they had for the longest time were each other. I had this thought inside of my head, which will always haunt me. The thought in which I knew and had told myself, that thought which was, that is may be one of the last times I would ever get to talk to my dad again. In April of 2016, soon after I last had shot anything for my clips4sale store, (it was also the very last day of my spring break), I had received a phone call from one of my oldest sisters telling me that my father was in ICU in Port Jefferson. He had 3 body aneurysms. One in the lungs, the heart and his kidneys. . .
And here we are a year and 3 months later. Still trying to settle this estate. My Aunt had passed in April 2016. Her and my father shared an estate. The two deaths have had my family going back and forth non-stop along with the lawyers. It has literally torn my family apart , and my brother whom was once my best friend, barely speaks to me anymore. My Sister has him brainwashed into thinking my other sister and I are trying to sabotage the estate. Weeks after my father passed she had raced to Long Island. I followed as well because I wanted to help get things done as quickly as possible. After 3 days I of listening to my sister belittle my other sister, other family members and myself. I put down a paintbrush and walked out of my fathers condo, then drove back to Upstate NY on 3 hours of sleep. Later she told everyone I was being difficult and had abandoned her, all because I was disgusted by her actions and could no longer listen to her bullshit. We had found out my fathers condo was in much worse condition than what we were aware of. He apparently was self medicating and hiding his pancreatic cancer from everyone but his doctor. When we stepped foot in the condo, the place was devastating. The rugs had to be completely torn up because of the 2 cats that belonged to my Aunt and dad were left there for 3 weeks with no one being able to get access to enter past the gates of the condo without proof of being a relative and legal documentation There was no will made. My Aunt was his beneficiary and vise-versa. Both whom now are deceased. There was blood and god only knows what else, on the walls, floors and bed. Smoke from which when my father stained the walls yellow and the place was so dusty we had to wear masks while cleaning. Recently we finally had gotten access to my Aunts condo in Connecticut. Nobody had lived there for over 4 years. We are now going through a much similar situation there as well. We are also on a time limit due to the fact the place is being foreclosed on to pay off my Aunts medical bills. My brother and I have agreed to clean the place out in our spare time just so we don't lose family heirlooms and such to the banks. Something which I plan to do over my Thanksgiving break. AND,Not only was my fathers death the reason for my disappearance, but I had also had a number of things happen which were totally out of my control. I think at times, maybe someone has put a curse on me. Just when I think I am going t start shooting aging something else happens that makes me have to postpone shooting. I had/have an assistant, however I could not pay her because I ran out of my savings. So now I am doing everything myself. I can tell you I sleep and average of 3-6 hours a night during the week. This has done a number on my health. Last Fall I was in the ER twice within 2 weeks of one another and also on and off until April of this year. I didn't know if you all knew this but, I started going to college and the first semester I had was in January 2016. Since the end of my semester, I have been taking numerous trips to Long Island & Connecticut from Rochester to deal with the passing of my Aunt and father, as well as their estate. They had left no will and everything has been in probate since. Not to mention, one of my older sisters whom also is ahead of the estate has been making it very difficult for me to do much of anything. She cannot be trusted for one. One of the first things she did after my father died, was go to his condo before the condo association found out, and took many items, including family heirlooms as well as important documents for the estate. She then had hid my oldest sisters adoption papers to try to get her cut from the estate. She has also threatened to sue me if I do not do as she demands. I ask import questions about the estate and I am ridiculed, put down and told to butt out and do as I'm told. A few times we have gone months without speaking, but we cannot proceed with anything unless we are both on board. My sister also told my father somethings about my other sister that we don't know to this very day what she has said to him. All I know was she was the last to find out my father was dying and I was threatened not to bring my other sister to see my father. My oldest sister spent the longest amount of time with my father, and he was the only father she had every known. My other Sister has always been jealous of her and never understanding. I had to bring her to meet my father while he was in ICU waiting to get transferred to a special facility for people with his condition (basically waiting to get transferred out of ICU , and to hospice). Some other things not related that have been holding my studio up from proceeding to film. Beside finances being slim, I had also almost had the entire studio finished and the rain from earlier in the year had cause cracks in my foundation, The very same area in which I am renovating for the studio. I ended up starting this project myself, along with ceiling up other cracks I had found since. I had done the majority of the remodeling myself. I tore cupboards from the walls to open the room up, primed and painted the walls/floors, as well as stained the entire ceiling. I am approximately 98% of the way through finishing up the remodeling of the studio, and this week I found out my college is denying me my grant for funds, which were promised to me up until a week ago. That was the money I had planned to get me through the next 3 months so I could finish my studio renovations and be able to stay on top of my homework for school. Last week I had a meeting with the office about this matter and the man sat there with a patronizing smile on his face (like my life is some kind of a joke, or I'm making these things up). He kept asking me for more and more info. I am still waiting to hear back from him about whether I will be receiving my grant or not. If I don't I will be forced into working a part time job until late December and the semester breaks for the Holidays. I have had so many tedious and frustrating things beyond that as well that have become a major setback as well. I had transferred my cell phone services in August during my summer break to another carrier. They have still not transferred over my lines properly. I find myself in their store weekly trying to get them to get this straight. Meanwhile, the former cell phone provider is billing me or services and phones I no longer own. I could go on and on about the past year of my life. A lot of which seems unbelievable, so much that I can barely believe at times this all is happening. Its not like I have been deliberately avoiding you all. I love my studio, and I love being a fetish model. There is nothing I honestly want more than to finish my education, modeling and producing.
I have many Ideas and plans still yet to come. All I ask from any of you is to understand that I am doing the best that I can, with what I'm dealing with. I don't want sympathy. All I need is some hopeful people to support me and be patient with me please. ---I really didn't want to share all these deeply disturbing, and horrible things that I have been dealing with, however it seems that a number of you have been concerned with what is going on with the store. I can assure you all that I am not at all in anyway ignoring you. I love my fans and I cant wait to get back to shooting. In the long run, the most important thing that has kept me from going insane many times over was the thought that one day I can put this cluster-fuck I have been living in the past few years behind me so I can have my life back again .I'm grateful as well as lucky to have what I do, I'm so happy I could put a smile on a mans face whom which was the world to me and the most influential man I will ever meet. I'm Even more grateful for the fact my brother will never go to bed at night regretting never getting to meet his father. As for my father, My dad had got to spend those little moments we all take for granted with his “baby boy”, and that is truly something I will never regret doing. So,If you have any issues or concerns with why I haven't been answering my emails, I hope this clears up all of that.Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thank you for all of the support.
janainaart
turnnoffyourmind
titsay
jbbartram-illu
izzy806
2087
