Why am I so scared to be happy why am I scared of the stability and new life I have created for myself WHY

I used to be so emo when I was young, but the self hatred I feel as an adult is so much more intense. I look at myself and feel so disgusted. I hate everything about what I once was and feel shame in the process of becoming who I want to be. I feel like I will never be able to just truly enjoy a moment, while at the same time never having felt better than how I feel now. I am confused and would just like to get out of my head for a day 😶‍🌫️ for the first time in a longgggggg time I felt the need to cope in an unhealthy way. Anywaysssss dear diary blah blah blah goodnight.