‘ you don’t feel strange at all? not even a little bit? ’
‘ oh shit, waddup! i’m taking a selfie with some demons, yooo. hell yeah, whaaa!! ’
‘ you’re insufferable. ’
‘ yeah, i’m just gonna… get some fucking holy water. ’
‘ i’ve lived my life with one adage and that’s don’t fuck with demons. ’
‘ i just love seeing you squirm! ’
‘ okay, tell your spooky story! ’
‘ i think this is all bullshit. ’
‘ we better get out of this house, somebody knocked our little bear out of his little wicker chair. ’
‘ you’re telling me you wouldn’t be unnerved by going upstairs and seeing a bunch of stuffed animals organized into a little cult circle when no one did it? ’
‘ what the fuck? oh shit! no!! where’s my holy water? ’
‘ what the fuck? oh shit! no!! ’
‘ where’s my holy water? ’
‘ it’s just a flashlight! it rolls, it’s cylindrical! ’
‘ here’s the thing– this is what i fucking love about like, paranormal evidence. people are always clamoring for it, right? like ‘where’s the evidence,’ and then when the evidence is finally they’re like, ‘fake!’ ’
‘ if you slit my throat tonight, i’m gonna have a hard time forgiving you for that. ’
‘ will you haunt me for the rest of my life? ’
‘ no, i won’t haunt you cause i’ll be dead. ghosts aren’t real. ’
‘ that demon’s racist! ’
‘ fuck that demon, he’s whitewashing the history of this house. ’
‘ this demon’s what’s wrong with hollywood. ’
‘ whatever, demon’s racist. i don’t respect this demon. ’
‘ you’ve lost your mind! ’
‘ here we go! rock and roll, buckaroo. ’
‘ fuck this house. fuck this house so hard. ’
‘ here’s the thing, i discount almost 100% of all of ‘i saw it in the middle of the night’ things because sleep paralysis, often times, most people wake up and see shit. ’
‘ if i wake up tonight and there’s this grotesque looking thing laying next to me and just staring at me with it’s fucking stupid beady eyes open, i’m gonna shit myself. there’s gonna be poo in my sleeping bag. ’
‘ i’m gonna sleep closer to you, i don’t care. ’
‘ every little pin drop that you hear, every little creak, it’s gonna make your butthole tighten. ’
‘ i think it would be a sleep-full night for me if it weren’t for you. ’
‘ annnnnd nope, i’m man enough to admit that this is not happening tonight. i can’t. it’s not happening ever. ’
‘ you givin’ up? ’
‘ i just think it’s silly to give up at the last minute, but whatever. you know, it’s no big deal. ’
‘ did you just call the demon a motherfucker? ’
‘ i don’t give a shit now, i’m gone. ’
‘ peace out, bitches. go fuck yourself. you were truly awful and i hate you. ’
‘ this is the happiest moment of my life. ’
‘ i think it was just a wonderful coincidence. ’
‘ i’m glad it happened because i got to see you turn into a babbling mess. ’
‘ i’m happy to let you believe in this ‘cause i think it’s fun that you believe in it, cause if we go to more places, it’s gonna be fun to watch you freak out some more. so great. ’
‘ let’s just call it unsolved, how ‘bout that? ’
‘ but we sure had fun! ’
‘ he looks really happy, actually. look at that little face. he looks like he’s eatin’ grapes. ’
‘ that’s really interesting, let’s get the fuck out of here. ’
‘ i don’t wanna imagine that. can’t you just let me enjoy the moment for once? ’
‘ what a trip its been. we’ve seen a lot of stuff. seen spiders, we’ve seen… ghouls. ’
‘ this looks like disney land. i wouldn’t be surprised if they got cotton candy in there. ’
‘ yuk it up, man. yuk it up. you’re really enjoying this, but when the lights go off, this may be a little different. ’
‘ you’re full of shit if you do not feel strange right now. ’
‘ i assure you in like half of the places you’ve been, people have died there. people have probably died in the chipotle we just ate at. ’
‘ well then that’s why she didn’t live forever! cause she found a loophole! ’
‘ i won’t argue that your logic is flawed. i just hate it because it’s detrimental to my argument. ’
‘ you think the ghosts just checked in every like 3 to 5 years? ’
‘ this is a theory. i’m just stating a theory. ’
‘ no one builds a house like this because they have arthritis. no one says, ‘oh, my knuckles feel a little funny. i’m gonna build a house with 500 rooms.’ ’
‘ i hear ya, man. i agree with ya. i’m just saying this is a theory that people believe… and i’m relaying the theory. ’
‘ those people are idiots. ’
‘ i mean, you know what the doctor says: ‘nothing’s better for arthritis than a two story drop to the floor below’ right? ’
‘ although, i will say, i cannot imagine communicating with spirits produces any kind of receipt. ’
‘ that’d be– yeah. i… i agree with your calling of bullshit. ’
‘ good! i’m glad we agree on something for once. ’
‘ i’m gonna lock myself in here with the ghosts. ’
‘ i knew that you were gonna do that and it still scared me. fuck you. ’
‘ hey, man. calm down! ’
‘ you almost scared me to death – i’m never gonna forgive you for that. hope you’re fucking proud of yourself. ’
‘ there’s a lot of things that you can’t see that are real. you can’t see gravity – that’s real. ’
‘ i can’t see gravity? yeah, i can drop an apple. ’
‘ hey, ghosts! tussle my hair. give me a little purple nurple or something, let’s have some fun! ’
‘ you’re the worst. ’
‘ if i have to spend one more moment looking at your silly face, i think i might murder you myself. ’
‘ we’re on our way to a nightmare. ’
‘ you’re on your way to a nightmare. i’m on my way to a nice retreat. ’
‘ this is a mistake. ’
‘ there’s also a thunderstorm rolling in so that’s fun. ’
‘ he looks fine. look at him! the kids fine and now i feel like a big weenie. ’
‘ you are a big weenie. ’
‘ this is the beginning of a horror movie right now. ’
‘ that’s an ominous cloud in the sky. some very atmospheric thunder. ’
‘ well, this seems all horrible and awful in general. ’
‘ look, there’s spiders everywhere, so that’s nice. ’
‘ see, i’m more concerned about the spiders than the ghosts. ’
‘ i thought i got bit in the asscheeks by a spider. ’
‘ anytime i get even remotely spooked, i just look to the monkey with the sunglasses. ’
‘ is that a bed? is that a guy? should we poke it with a stick? ’
‘ uhh, sure. if that’s what it’s gonna take to get us out of here then yes, i believe in all of this. ’
‘ this is a fucking nightmare. ’
‘ what the fuck was that?! holy shit balls! ’
‘ okay, i don’t care what his favorite was – fuck that, let’s go. ’
‘ toodaloo, can’t say it was pleasurable. ’
‘ fuck everything about that place. ’
‘ ‘odd’ doesn’t even begin to describe this one. it’s very strange. ’
‘ my interest is piqued. ’
‘ they’re making their kids work seven days a week? my parents would maybe be like, ‘empty the dishwasher’ on a… you know, a thursday, and i’d be like, ‘this is bullshit.’ ’
‘ i guess i’d run away from my parents if they made me work seven days a week, especially if i was shoveling horse shit and moving dirt. ’
‘ i’d fake my own death. ’
‘ you strike me as one of those idiots who likes to put their phone down and walk into the middle of the woods and experience nature and all that bullshit. ’
‘ either way, leaving your house in this day and age without your phone, without your credit cards, that’s already a death sentence. you can’t do that. ’
‘ this is what happens when you live on a farm. ’
‘ what wide generalization are you gonna make about people on farms right now? ’
‘ i just think you gotta read some– some culture, eh, watch some two and a half men, i don’t care. just connect to popular media and know what the world is thinking, otherwise you go nuts. ’
‘ yeah, ‘cause nothing says sanity and civilization like a red robin resturant, right? ’
‘ how much trouble could a family of farmers get into? ’
‘ farmers and bears don’t mix. they don’t put bears on farms. ’
‘ i imagine this is a little bit more than they bargained for when they were trying to find that pikachu. ’
‘ that’s fucking terrifying. ’
‘ you just lock your door. you’re in a car, drive away. that’s not that scary. and then, you know, if the doors don’t work and he starts breaking a window, then guess what? time to die. and that’s a bummer. ’
‘ then guess what? time to die. and that’s a bummer. ’
‘ what point does the fear come in? about when the life is draining out of my body. ’
‘ oh yeah, excuse the public for wondering about your safety, sir. ’
‘ this does make me realize i don’t give people the middle finger enough. ’
‘ i guess i’ll just go fuck myself then. ’
‘ i’m not gonna go find my kids if i’m trying to get off the grid. off the grid, no more kids. ’
‘ alright, well… once again, we’ve solved nothing. ’
‘ do you think you could become part of a shared delusion? ’
‘ every time i’ve ever offered even a little bit of a delusional thought, you immediately shut it down. ’
‘ no one thinks they’re susceptible to shared delusions and then it happens. ’
‘ what if we’re in a shared delusion right now? ’
‘ is this all in our mind? ’
‘ it could be all in our mind. this could be the most elaborate delusion of all and we’re talking we’re talking about delusions which, in term, is actually a weird delusional loop. ’
