Home.

Even though I knew it was too late, I held on to hope that one day she’ll see that I was the kind of partner that was willing to change for the better rather than lose her. That I’m the type of person who would stick by her through thick and thin til the end. Because I’d choose her… over everyone else, I was always willing to choose her because she was the person I wanted to build a life with. Even when I was with my friends, doing my own thing, working, I was always thinking about her. (I sucked at texting though)

I just always wanted balance and I didn’t want codependency. But I think it turned into a place where I was TOO independent, there was barely any balance, and she felt neglected. I was wrong for that. I have so much remorse over all the things I failed at in the relationship.

But I can’t go back to that now. I can’t linger. I did my best with the limited tools/knowledge I knew at the time. And I just have to show myself some grace. I have to move on.

A small part of me would still choose her.

But now that the storm has cleared, I realize there were things she needed to deal with as well, that still haven’t truly been confronted. And there’s no talking or encouraging on my part that will help because she has to do that for herself.

I am no longer a player in that journey. She chose to extract me as a player in that journey. And I honestly accept and respect it.

I’m proud of her for the steps she’s taken so far.

I’ll always be rooting for her, praying for her protection, her peace, and her happiness. Maybe one day, we find that this relationship is worth a new beginning. But maybe it won’t. There’s nothing I can do to predict the future, I can only live in this moment and honor myself.

But… I’m not the one they wanted in the end so 🤷🏻‍♀️ nothing I can do abt it now.

I’m the one who got dumped so 🤷🏻‍♀️ it is what it is. I got left. I didn’t want anyone else so it only makes sense that I’m in no position to start dating but they are.. that’s just how it is I guess.

But yeah. I didn’t cry lol

1. What is your ego saying?

My answer: “there are SEVEN BILLION people in this world. Find another one and move tf on. You know you have a good heart, you know you have something that not a lot of people these days have. Exes have come back to you BECAUSE of this. Find a new connection, it won’t be hard for you.”

My ego always wants to get over someone by distracting myself with other people 🙄

2. What is your heart saying?

My answer: *already tearing up before even answering the fucking question* “Seven billion people in this world and my soul found hers. Through an app that I barely even used at the time? Like how is that a coincidence? What’re the odds of that happening??”

She let me cry for 15 mins after this question 😂

3. What is your mind saying?

My answer: “it was real. It was so real to me. Which is why this hurts so much. It’s over. I have to let myself feel all the feels & I need to process it. No distractions. No escapism. No numbing. If I want true healing, I need to face it. Maybe our souls will find each other again. Maybe it won’t. I don’t have control over that. But I can control this. I gotta move on the RIGHT way. There are so many things changing in my life right now, like with my home life and me leaving the church and me redefining some of my friendships.. like I should probably focus on that. Focus on me building a life for me and not a life based on other people’s expectations. I’m free now. In every sense of the word. I gotta focus on that to move on.”

My therapist told me that it’s ok to feel so much regret and anger and pain when you’re finally letting go and accepting your current reality.

Im done fighting. I’m done fighting for the relationship. I’m done fighting with myself regarding my parents and the church and all that shit. I’m just done. I’m so.. fucking.. tired.

I’m letting go of a lot of things in this season and it hurts. I feel like the entire ground beneath me just shattered. Things that felt so stable. Things that shaped my life. It’s just all gone now. My love. My faith. My ministry. Like it’s all gone. Even my parents.. like I know eventually it’ll be better with them. But yeah.

Learning to sit back and just observe and learn instead of “doing” or “fighting” is actually gna be super hard.

But that’s okay. Because at least now I’m free. I’m free from confusion. I’m free from false hope. I’m free from expectations. I’m free from the Limbo I was in for a month.

The journey ahead isn’t going to be easy. I’m still very very frustrated with myself and with her for a lot of things that we could’ve done differently. I’m still very sad that I didn’t get the second chance I was hoping for. I’m sad that she didn’t really get to experience me at my best. She got the broken, confused, unhealed version of me for a majority of our relationship and that sucks(well maybe not the majority. I think the body dysmorphia REALLY kicked in when I finally met her irl because I never felt like I measured up to what I THOUGHT were her standards)

I still believe she deserves the best, even if it’s not with me. She can’t help the way she feels and I respect that. I’m learning to accept that this is my currently reality and I just gotta do me.

I wake up each morning and I feel more and more like myself again. My therapist told me to look at myself in the mirror everyday and tell myself I’m a “good catch” and I honestly believe that I am 😂My confidence is finally back(hello old friend, it’s been a long year and a half-ish) I’m breaking my people pleasing habits and I’m finally living my life out in the open. And the possibility of what that can attract in my life is exciting.

One day, someone will meet this new and improved version of me and will think I’m worth it. That I’m worth choosing again and again and again. Someone who thinks I’m worth the effort to try. Someone who will help me find my way back if I ever lose myself again. Someone who will be willing to sit with me when I’m at my worst and help me through it because they believe in me and they’re willing to put in the work for a long lasting relationship. These are all things I know I contribute so I hope someone out there will be willing to do the same for me. I had hope that she was willing to give this version of me another shot, but we don’t always get the second chances we want in life. And that’s ok.

But I’m hoping you find it in yourself one day to forgive me. Because I’m learning that grace for you is something I have an infinite amount of.

But another part of me is like… it’s just a fucking dream..