this is her voice…

Running.

It’s become my escape.

When I’m lonely, I run.

After a traumatizing argument with my boss, I ran.

I run to keep pace with life,

to release the anger I’ve been quietly suppressing.

I run to feel fit,

to push my body until I’m exhausted,

until I can finally cry.

I run to feel something—

the pounding of my heartbeat,

the burn in my legs,

the reminder that, somehow, I’m still alive.

I’m lucky to experience this simple privilege of being human.

Even luckier to have a body that can carry me through it all.

I’m thankful for this vessel,

for the small discipline I’m trying to build,

mile after mile.

I don’t know how long I’ll have this freedom.

But for now, I’m taking my time—

appreciating each day I make it through.

I think back to earlier this year,

when all I wished for was an end.

Every prayer was a whisper to God to end the world,

because I was tired.

So selfish, right?

But oddly, that was when I felt safest.

Back then, I had everything—

but no one to lose.

Now, I’ve lost everything I once had,

yet I’ve found someone I don’t want to lose.

Life is strange like that.

One day, I wanted to die.

Now, I’m clinging to life, desperately wanting to live.

I wonder how much longer I can hold on,

because lately, it feels like I’ve lost all my strength.

All my desire to continue.

With all these mixed emotions,

I wonder—

Who am I, really?

Truly,

Rhia

i was staring at the ceiling for about a minute and realized that all my life i wasn’t really living a life, all i did was try to survive and get to where i am now. cos growing up i didn’t had the chance to be who i want to be, i just kind of survived and let things be. i never had the luxury to choose the food i wanna eat, i was only forced to swallow whatever is served on the table no matter what it is. this pattern grew into me until now that I’m becoming an adult. people think that i am as free as the ocean just like what i wanted to be seen. but the reality is im still that kid who’s scared and scarred.

my life now is a product of my resolve from all of my traumas and a way for me to heal from them. everyday i try to show up at work, laugh with my colleagues, do things that can make me feel a little better—but at the end of the day, what i feel inside just won’t stop. it’s me battling with my pursuit to happiness, even when all i feel inside is the opposite.

i wonder when will i ever be happy. or if i deserve it even. in this life where everything feels like it’s against my will, will i ever make it?

Dear Diary,

It’s past midnight, and I just feel the need to write you an entry—even if I don’t know exactly what i wanna say.

Today i sit under the tree and feel the warmth of the wind outside after my whole day sitting infront of my computer, it’s just another normal day. I even forgot that today is Saturday until someone asked me how’s my weekend going. lol

That 30 minute silence was enough to calm myself and think of how privileged i am to be living this life. Lately I’ve been complaining a lot about me going through this existential crisis that I forgot to thank God for all His blessing and love for me.

Last month I turned 25.

I finally got my own house.

I am living a comfortable life.

I have a genuine and peaceful heart.

I’m continuously learning and growing as a person.

I am surrounded by people who loves and supports me, people that respects my own space and boundaries.

And a lot more of good things i have in life that i almost feel ungrateful with because i was focused on my ”could’ve beens”. I realized that after all my years of always trying to look for something better, i wasn’t aware that all this time— i am already living it.

I still have a lot of emotional baggage inside, whos not going through something anyway? But today I chose not to bring my attention to any of those. I am even more proud of how I build my emotional strength over time. And i owe it to God, for giving me all these privileges.

Here’s to more silent wins,

Rhia

I’m on the plane back to Manila. I don’t usually write so random things like this during any of my way to somewhere. But if i ever die tonight, please tell my loveones that I’m happy to be here. I’m happy of how i lived this life—my oh so hardly lived life.

Im happy and proud of who i am now, and i don’t have any regrets. If i faced setbacks in the past, i know that all of those are part of my journey. And without those things, I probably won’t be this brave now.

I am more stronger now, just so you know. I’ve managed so many different challenges that put me into so much despair. Felt like I’ve lost it all, but it really wasn’t. I’ve gain so much power from all my hardships. And all of these things that is weighing me down lately will surely pass.

I am happy, yet i am sad. This is still the most ironic thing i always told myself. But it’s the most accurate words to describe how i truly feel.

This life will always be ironic.

See you in manila,

Rhia

Dear Diary,

Today we lost a family relative.

The last time I grieve for someone’s death is when my father died 16 years ago.

I don’t even know what to feel right now. It’s a mixed emotion of unknowns.

I can never imagine something so tragic like this would happen, especially with someone so close to our hearts.

Life is truly unimaginable. And I can’t help but to feel unfair.

Why people have to die in such way. Dying is sad enough, what more by dying in such a painful way.

My heavy heart aches for his kind soul. His cause of death is the last thing he deserve in this world.

He’s nothing but a good cousin to us, a good father to his kids and my brother’s best companion from their childhood until they’re grown-ups.

This is a very hard time for the family. I pray for everyone’s healing.

Kuya tony, please remain in our memories forever.

You will always be remembered.

Love,

This wonderful year will be ending in few hours.

2022 is such a special year for me. I can say that i did grow a lot this year—emotionally and spiritually, may it be in my career or in my personal life. And i think i needed to write it here atleast.

I am completely a different and better version of myself now. I know there is no one else in this world that i can compare myself with aside from who i was before.

And i am truly grateful for all the lessons I’ve learn this year, for the people i’ve encountered, for the places ive been to, for the wrong paths ive taken that leads me to the right directions eventually. I am thankful for the experiences that made me almost give up, for the nights i cried a bucket, for the people i let go, and to the very few individuals who contributed to my healing.

I am truly grateful to God, for granting me a peaceful life. For giving me a clean and genuine heart. I always thank God no matter what happens in my life. I will always look for Him, will give praises to him, i will forever be His.

I am ready for different roles, for taking bigger steps towards my dream, for all the unknowns that’ll going to happen.

Let me surprise you, 2023!

Always,

This is me, taking things slow. After the past months of heartbreaks and emotional unstableness, i wanted to take things slow now. I don't want to overdo things, nor overreact to it. I don't want to get physically exhausted cos i know my mind is tired enough to handle all the shits im having lately.

This is me, having no specific goal in a day aside from getting things done just averagely. I stop pursuing the things that are no longer serving me. I stop chasing people and validation from someone. I just kind of accept things normally without getting attached to the idea of it. I have to stop romanticizing all the things around me. I need to stop keeping my hopes up so I wont get disappointed in the end.

I do love this life, i really do. And i will never stop seeing things beautifully. I will never stop feeling so deeply into something that touches my heart. It just that i also need to save myself from investing too much emotions over temporary happiness.

I just need to live for now and accept things as it is, without putting so much pressure on myself. Take things slow for now—besides, we're just 24!

always,

Rhia

9.20.22

you look so fine, my love. standing right infront of me, you're smiling back at me. my heart is beating like crazy, like you never left me.

“i don't wish this moment to end, please stay til the end.” i whispered in my head.

but then i woke up, hurting again so deeply.

if you will visit me again in my dreams, can you stay a little longer? i'll promise not to wake up.

—writtenbyrhia, your silhouette 9.6.22