Coffee, Rain and Soft glowing lights

Currently Freaking out by The Wrecks

In this era of the dating scene with millennials, it's hard to find anyone who actually cares enough to build a future with. Sometimes you get short term what ifs after that person who you had a successful tinder date decides to ghost you, I see that now as a best case scenario. Other times, its alot more complex and painful stretching for years and even as they had left you are haunted by their memory.

I was naive when I started having serious relationships. Relationships that started my sexual awakening but would later sometimes fill me with regret, fear of I tried too hard over someone who saw me as temporary.

The first person I fell for was my freshmen year. I gave him everything I could, even my first time. But being the idiot i was, when i ended up moving roughly 9ish monthes later across the country, i expected the promise he made with me to be kept. I was over trusting, i saw no reason not to. Looking back at the old me was like looking at that one character in a show where they are stupidly naive and pure before the world has brought its reality down on them. I ended up being that girl. I found out on my 1 year anniversary with him that he was cheating on me. I remember him practically laughing in my face via texts with smiley face emojis at the end of each message while I was laying on the floor in a fetal position in tears shaking. For about a week I was physically shaking as if I was extremely cold. For the next nearly year, my life became a struggle. I barely ate because I felt like I was going to vomit, every morning I woke up I dry heaved. Sleeping was an issue. I lived in a new place so it wasnt like I had anyone to go to with my personal problems. This cloud of depression haunted me and little did I realize that even when I was down, I didnt know that my worst nightmare was going to begin from there.

The previous story was a prologue. It was just the start of events that would later become a near 10 year problem I'm still fighting to this day. Alot of times, I think the scars have healed but then they come back and start bleeding again. Around the first or second month of that painful year, I met him. I met someone I should have never fallen in love with. He was the perfect storm to cause the most damage to my love life.

We both had similar backgrounds so it was almost like comparing house hold cultures. He was charming, not the most handsome but to me he was perfect, he had a fitting attitude perfect to match mine. He was the glass slipper to my Cinderella foot. I got worried when we started to date. I got cold feet worrying rushing into a relationship right after such a traumatic one. I probably should have kept that mindset and stayed away. Once we broke up after a month, maybe shorter, he started long distance dating my best friend at the time. That of course barely lasted a week but high school drama can be taken to an absurd level over the stupidest stuff. He wanted her then go right ahead. I went and found someone to just be physical with. I just needed an out for my hormones and I found someone who ironically looked alot like my first.

When he found out he warned me to stay away fro the guy but I honestly didnt care. I didnt care about myself. Eventually though the guy would disappear or something, I honestly am fuzzy with that detail. But the short term ex? He came back around. He wanted to go out again, this time we were going to make an effort. I can still remember it in vivid detail. I came over to his house and he was alone. He made this cheese burger pizza that had a shit ton of toppings I wasnt fond of and we watched one of his favorite movies. He was in a red plad long sleeve and black pants sitting there on the floor and I sat on his lap facing him with my arms around his neck. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed and kissed him.

This is where red flags started to form. He didnt want it this time to get out we were dating. Ok maybe he wanted it to be special just for us. Maybe his ex was causing trouble. Maybe this, maybe that. Maybe a billion excuses I tried to use. I'd call him after school and talk. We got pretty close. We would sneak around school for areas to make out and when we went on the limited dates we had we would find places to be intimate. Then I found out the truth. He was with another girl. I screamed and cried at him. It hurt and it felt like he didnt care. He would kiss me and back away realizing he had a choice to make and realized how hard it was.

This became an unfortunate reoccurring thing. This became a bipolar relationship. He wanted us secret. I would have times I'd be arguing with him about how I'm just a side and he was ashamed of me. He would gas light me over things, lie about others to do anything in his power to keep me quiet and at his side. Sometimes it worked. I would come visit him after walking a couple miles towards his house and we would go to the woods or abandoned houses. All I knew at the time was if I suffered a little I could have what I wanted, even if it wasnt exactly what I wanted.

Eventually his girlfriend came out to him as a lesbian and broke up. I got kinda a giggle out of it but took it as a way that meant he was now exclusively mine. This wouldn't be the case. Yeah they broke up for a long while and he and I were still on and off. Eventually his senior prom came up. I was excited and wanted to go with him thinking of the one thing magical about high school I could do. "I dont want to go. I'm not going to go" my heart broke. Was it money? No. He was just disinterested. But funny how he claimed to be that way. His friends who some were mine said he was in fact going. He was going with his ex who became a lesbian. When I confronted he would say no no it's all a lie dont worry I'm not going. It's just a rumor. It's just a rumor. So I tried to believe him. I went home and was on my computer all night alone. I come to school that monday and his friends came to me. He was there. With her. Dancing. Having a blast. Having fun. And I wasnt in the picture. He claimed his parents had bought the tickets and all last minute and he felt too guilty not to go. That his parents were good friends with his exs parents. My bestfriend was walking by me and had her softball bat hanging out of her bag like always. I grabbed it going after him ready to swing before she grabbed it back.

He continued to make a fool out of me. Even someone who was his ex who became a good friend and current business partner with me warned to stay away. He graduated and left but still lingered. He worked a few stores away from my job and I'd try to visit. He would hang out with me still but became busier. I assumed it was job hunting or trying to get his life together. Eventually he would move in a couple towns away with his grandmother because his parents kicked him out. I snuck over to stay the night. A long bus ride, a 3 mile walk with him through the hills in the cold PNW rain. The night felt right. Everything felt perfect. I got in trouble but whatever right? We had another earth shattering break up. I dont remember if it was cheating again or just a regular break up but I remember it being dark. My mom drove me to his grandmother's and I came in. I grabbed the gifts I gave him and ran out. He threatened to call the cops. I didnt care at this point. My mom saw me in tears but I couldn't tell her what I was dealing with. I was too ashamed.

The next few years were a haze. I was busy with college and moving around. Here and there he would send me a message after we both ghosted for monthes if not a year. My replies were bitter but with good reason after all he put me through. It wasnt until I was across the country again that he would deliver the final blow to me. It was a low point in life and somehow we reconnected via messages. I was already in the works of moving back to where we met but I had a year to go. He was living with his girlfriend at the time saying how miserable he felt. I was about 21 or 22 at the time. Years of time I thought matured me enough to give the right responses. Eventually one night I told him, "your happiness is what matters. I dont care who your with, I just want you to be happy". "I think that's what makes us truly love eachother now. We care about each others happiness even if it means we are out of the picture".

I wanted it to remain at that. He knew I still loved him. He knew I didnt care if I was with him or not long as he was happy. And he took advantage of that. He broke up with her moving back with his parents for a short bit. A 3ish year commitment thrown out the window and used me as a reason to. We talked everyday when he was off work. Then the messages got a little more distant. There were days and sometimes weeks without word. He had said he would fly down and we would drive cross country together to help me move back and we would live together. Things were perfect now and the past was the past. But things started to fall apart. It wasnt an explosion like before. It was a slow dissolve. He said he went to a part, got drunk and had a 1 night stand. I tried telling him that we arent physically together yet so having fun on the side is ok for now. He went to a concert and injured his knee the same month I broke my ankle. Around this time the messages were fewer and fewer. And then....well...they stopped all together. I kept sending him messages in Hope's he was just busy. The first month I gave him space. The second I asked him to at least reply hes ok and what's going on. Then I'd spam him to see if I got a response. Then I just figured he would come to me in his own time. Then...I found out the truth. It was Christmas at my parents house. I scrolled around on my phone and went to his facebook page curiously. We never added eachother back as friends so I didnt get any posts from him. We only talked through messager. And i saw it right there. The reason he ghosted me was for another girl. He didnt bother telling me it was over. He didnt bother saying anything. He wanted me to still be leaving messages crying and begging him to say something and see if he was ok. Yeah he was ok. My heart shattered. I frantically called him to no answer. I spammed his texts and messages and he eventually blocked me. I built a future around us so many times. 6 years worth of time wasted over him. I was sick to my stomach and internalized the pain. I had to put on a fake smile around my family until the celebration was over. And cry the entire 3 hour drive back home.

I gave up on him. I had my own plans in the works. Once I moved back, i asked for something simple of him. I want to meet at a starbucks for 5 minutes and get the truth from him. I wanted to know why I wasnt good enough, why he hurt me and why he didnt have the balls to tell me it was over to save me the trouble. He agreed but we never arranged a date and time. He got half way into the plans and I even offered to make it convenient for him. But he didnt even have the balls to go through. No date was set. No time. Just a message left to this date. "You cannot reply to this person". He blocked me a final time. Maybe he was afraid I'd make a scene, maybe he was afraid that his girlfriend would find out. Maybe this...Maybe that... ironically he continued to follow me on here and send anon requests for ginger/vanilla art. When I called him out in private messages, he unfollowed.