Undrath

I don't think I'm a bad writer. I also don't think I'm an impressively great writer. I'm decent, is what I think. There's room for improvement, and I'm still improving. That's part of any craft.

This account is new and not connected to my previous works, so I won't go into detail.

But: I come from ~1.5 years of writing on the last AO3 account... and my fanfic writing history started about 20 years ago. I have experience in this thing, is what I'm trying to say. And things have certainly changed.

Only a few years ago, you could have a weird idea, write a crackship in a small fandom - and you'd probably (not guaranteed!) get comments. Regular commenters. People who speculated about the fic in the comments, who commented on specific scenes. They were often just a line or two.

That was perfectly fine.

You - as a writer - saw that people read your fic and engage with the story you make up. That was nice and beautiful, and the best thing was how great of a way it was to get in touch with people who saw the same thing in a character, in a ship, or in a headcanon. You made new friends.

This is practically dead. Unless you write something with decent popularity, that hits the right tropes - you, more than likely, won't get any comment at all. Not even a bot comment, not even bots care.

You're yelling into a void, and it doesn't matter how well (or poorly) you write. How good (or bad) the idea is. Whether it's the 100k words longfic everybody always asks for, or the 1k words oneshot.

You'll get hits, probably. The occasional kudos. Maybe a (private) bookmark here and there, maybe subscriptions. But the comments stay at a 0.

You know there are people reading the story, but nobody reaches out.

I cannot properly describe how soulcrushing and heartbreaking that is.

I, personally, couldn't bear it anymore. I stopped. I don't feel all that bad about it on behalf of readers... after all, I spent hours, days, weeks, months on planning, plotting, outlining, writing, and editing a story. They've read it. Maybe enjoyed it. But none of them took the time to say anything, even when I was the only one writing this particular thing.

They cared enough to read and enjoy the story (if kudos and maybe bookmarks are any indication), but not enough to reach out to a fellow fan of the same thing. And I couldn't reach out because nobody else wrote for this; so I didn't have the luxury of being able to read another's work and leave a comment.

It felt deeply unfair over time.

And - despite knowing I'm not a bad writer - the doubts crept up anyway. Am I just too bad of a writer? Do people say nothing because all they could say would be bad?

Side note: I'm grateful for compliments, but I'm also perfectly fine if someone doesn't tell me they like my fic, instead commenting on a specific thing of the fic.

All I wanted was someone (one single person) who'd read my fic(s), enjoyed them, and reached out for that reason. Someone to talk to about the thing I'm so into that I slap hundreds of words onto an empty document for it.

I started this account - with "Control is Comfort" (Makima x fem Reader) as an experimental fic. The idea for the core concept came to me at random more or less, and once I had the basic idea fleshed out, I realized it makes for a good enough experiment to find the answer to the big question:

Does my writing simply suck?

The answer came... pretty quickly. I didn't have to wait for engagement at all. Not that any new friendship has been born (yet), but there are people reading the fic, enjoying it, and taking the few minutes of their day to leave a comment.

I cannot express how grateful I am for that.

No matter how many "thanks" I type, it feels awkward, and it's never going to do my gratitude justice. Because I'm not taking it for granted; I can't take it for granted.

I'll respond to every single comment because I want readers who comment to know I appreciate their comment. .... and because, most of the time, I couldn't help it anyway. Hey, I'm a fan. Obviously I'll yap about stuff I like when given the opportunity?

But the thing is: This is for the current fic. It's the situation for "Control is Comfort".

One day, that fic will be complete. With every new chapter, that day is one step closer. And then... what? Will my next idea be one that hits an engaging audience again?

My personal trend shows: Probably not. I'll likely return to the radio silence, and that outlook scares me. I don't have it in me to continue writing if I hit that same particular wall once more.

Could I write popular fandoms, ships, whatever? Sure; I could focus on that. I don't need to be 150% into something to write it. It's entirely possible.

But... what's the point?

What good is engagement - fans reaching out - when I, as the writer, harbor near to no passion for the thing I write? That isn't the engagement I'd seek. I'd feel bad, in fact. That's not an option.

And years ago, it wasn't necessary. Years ago, you didn't need to do "market research" before starting a fic, just to ensure it will get engagement. Most of the time, it did.

Especially in smaller fandoms, when fellow nerds were stoked to find someone who's into the same thing they previously thought nobody else liked.

I don't really see the situation changing for the better any soon. Maybe not at all. And with that being the case, I think I'll always be one step away from calling it a day on writing fanfic entirely.

I won't beg for comments, and I won't hold chapters hostage. I won't threaten to quit to guilt readers into engaging. I think all of those things suck.

I'll voice my grievance here and there because I think it's important to be open about how hard this can hit.

And one day, when I am back in that particular tough spot - I will simply stop. Disappear. No warning, nothing. My fics will be left up, but I will not log into this Tumblr or its associated AO3 ever again.