Yeah! 2 years! I still exist! Maybe I will post again tomorrow to you.

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@turtle167
Yeah! 2 years! I still exist! Maybe I will post again tomorrow to you.

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Still here
better post again, so as not to get cancelled...... Iâll post for real soon.
I ainât ded
I am posting this so my account wonât cancel
this [last post] is a metaphor from 4 years ago
but American establishment religion of Hate
hate, hate, hate
hateful
she is like a bone that broke years ago
and was set wrong
set hateful
and âhealedâ wrong
hateful

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you ruined her
sheâs not good anymore
good = i like you
bad = i donât like you
sheâs not good anymore
I will post a âcorrespondenceâ from early 2012 soon, but reading it now,
my girlfriend is SUCH A FAILED HUMAN BEING & A WASTE OF HUMAN EXISTENCE
and none of you seem any better
Of all the horrible and humiliating programmed dreams Iâve suffered, the reunion dreams are worst (as Iâve written about here, long ago).
The âbadâ ones shit all over my girlfriend, as well as remind me of the worst Iâve experienced with her, both scripted and transcending the script. They are truly horrible, emotionally abusive, they shame us, they disgust me. They replace my true memories of happier times with her, all these years passing that we are apart, our shared memories pushed further into the past and from my tortured and traumatized mind. As I lose respect for her daily, here the dreams reinforce the death of my heart, varying degrees of exaggerated surely, but further confusing a confusing truth (who does this to a loved one?!), increasing a distance thatâs more than space or time.
The âgoodâ ones shit all over her in real-life, by pointing out what an idiot she is in real-life. No matter how reasonable or sorry she is portrayed, I wake up and NOTHING CHANGES, MONTHS AND EVEN YEARS GO BY AND SHE NEVER EXPERIENCES THE SLIGHTEST SPARK OF WISDOM. There are no apologies, there is no reunion. The most I can hope for is a scripted apology, a scripted reunion, and Iâm not interested in either.
I cannot comprehend what an idiot she is. It makes me so sad to type this. It really makes me so, so sad. I shouldnât have to point it out, even when it is true. It should be the privilege of lovers, to protect one anotherâs privacy and dignity to a reasonable degree, even when weâve made mistakes. But my girl has completely forgotten this, for christssake, she abandons me to daily abuse and humiliation... before that, the things she said and did! And your religion of lies is my burden of truth. Youâve learned to lie to yourselves, you want me to learn to lie to myself, too, surely youâve taught my girl to lie to herself since here we are. Scenario A, Scenario B, â1977 and we are going mad!â If no one near her will tap her on the shoulder and tell her what an idiot sheâs being, then I am forced to type this sad truth. I try to make it âconstructive shaming,â e.g., not to degrade, but to inspire more dignified action, in service of Love rather than Hate (they compare words to sticks & stones, after all). Yet nothing comes of anything. We are slaves to Hate. Why do you make us fight? Itâs not Love. What kind of sick idiot signs up for this, or signs their loved ones up for this?
In the dreams,
The excuses she gives, oh they shit on her if you are putting words in her mouth, and they shit on her, if she has been indoctrinated to actually believe any of them (and we know she complies; even âfor no reasonâ is a sort of reason).
I hate my life so much
Almost-2-years-ago?-(Spacebar-is-not-working,-why?)

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I wanted to log back on quickly to point out one more box that should have been included on my concept map. It would have been a consequence of âFORCED ESTRANGEMENT,â and link forward to âTORMENT.â Not sure how to phrase it succinctly so Iâll just describe it instead. Itâs the total deprivation of any knowledge whatsoever about the lives of my (dependent) loved ones or when/if Iâll see them again. I know: my girlfriend is estranged from her dad, her mom is dead. I donât know who her friends are, since weâd only recently moved back to town & were primarily concerning ourselves with setting up our company. Does she hang out with scabs? Is she subjected to degrading obscene theatre like J-Pup is? I was reminded of this by the icon my Tumblr squatter picked out for me. It reminds me of my dogs. Who pets them? Who walks them, who plays with them? Are they being trained, by whom, with what sick idea of training? Did my girl learn to drive, if not, who helps her bring 40-pound dog food bags back from the store? She is OK with this, she accepts terrible humiliations, at least tolerates it, when the girl I fell in love with never would have stood for it; what kind of influences surround her and erode her dignity and good non-conformist compassionate activist character? So many summers gone, so many birthdays, my 30th, her 30th. The harassing court documents indicate our youngest kitty (save the one she took in during our waning days together) is dead. I doubt this is true. But it could be true. And how should I know? The other cats are much older. Are they dead? Are they alive? Will they still be by the time I see them again, and for how much longer? Does she while away the summers doing all the gardening we were supposed to do together? Not to be petty, but I studied agricultural policy and took a horticulture course in grad school (TEN years ago); she dropped the organic gardening course sheâd signed up for. Really, not to be petty, merely I want to point out this is not a joke to me. I prepared, I invested my time and attention into this, in large part because I knew it was important to her, it was something I knew I could get excited about and we could share and organize a certain amount of our existence around. I point out, itâs why we moved away from downtown initially, it was why we moved back from Montana. So either sheâs not doing it, or sheâs doing it without me. I guess I know that much. I know that itâs BULLSHIT. I canât believe my sister is OK with this, I canât believe how selfish and compassionless she is toward me and/or us and my/our situation. I say, âhow would you like it if this happened to YOUR family?â and she says, âplease donât say that to me it troubles me to hear itâ (to *HEAR* what *I* LIVE). And then she avoids me for years, because itâs too stressful to lie to me and she has life to live while weâre not allowed to live life. Itâs torment, not knowing when/if Iâll see my girl and my pets again, and wondering every day, will it be this week? will it be next week? is there ANYTHING I can do so it will be this week or next week? and wracking my tired mind. it is TORMENT. You tell me, âdonât worry, just trust, go with the flow.â But my heart wonât allow it, even now when my heart is near-dead, and how can I trust an entity that shares not one value with me, that subjects us to ritualized abuse, neglect, and humiliation, that violates our rights, that has no coherent concept of HONOR, oh the shame the shame the shame the shame upon us all! --that trains girls off of Love, that replaces our life story for HALF A DECADE in the prime of life with a disgusting anti-love narrative, that shits offensive dreams into our sleeping minds, etc. etc. etc.? You want me to trust THIS? I canât and I refuse. So, I exist in perpetual torment instead. I still cannot comprehend how anyone accepts having experienced this. Surely you had much more to gain, much less to lose, and a very flexible notion of fairness.
Edit: I just remembered, Iâm supposed to be learning how to lie to myself.
Created using Dia, which I can now recommend.
This is slightly crude in some ways (I would adjust certain details if it mattered more to me), but it should be pretty clear what Iâm getting at. Dream Rape is emphasized, as is the destruction of my brain. As noted many a time before, I oscillate between NOT CARING ANYMORE and maintaining my efforts out of habit. In Summer 2012 (during the London Olympics) I attempted an outreach campaign to raise Spiritual Abuse Awareness. That should have been good enough. The last 3 years should never have disappeared like they have. Anyway, I am thinking of beginning another campaign: âDream Rape IS RAPE.â This means: 1) if you lock someone in a virtual reality experience and rape him, THIS IS RAPE and should be treated (including prosecuted) as such; and 2) the illegal non-consensual violation of my sleeping mind IS RAPE. I am still working on honing my messages. This concept map is meant to elucidate some of the issues involved. It should also be complete unnecessary (as opposed to simply ineffectual). Maybe I should have disaggregated âdestroy my brainâ by way of âDream Rape.â Partially it is because of the disgusting imagery placed there (then alluded to, in random as well as coordinated manners, in my waking days, lest I begin to forget). This is really not OK, no matter what. Me and Luna are both freaked out by Tumblr sometimes, and Iâm unwilling to check out the random image board on 4chan because no number of amusing memes is worth it to me for what I might see there. Me and Luna have the option of not logging onto Tumblr; what am *I* supposed to do, NOT SLEEP? (The Supreme Court is extreme clear on this matter, the doctrine of âcaptive audience.â) Furthermore, once upon a time I was hoping to be a filmmaker. My brain was to be the source of my livelihood. I tried to curate my influences, I tried to keep the pollution out of my head. I need to be able to relax and let the imagery in my imagination flow. I have no idea why anyone thinks this is OK. This Tumblr blog contains descriptions of the kind of disgusting and humiliating images and experiences Iâve been subjected to as the victim of Dream Rape. I canât believe anyone wishes this on me. I canât believe MY FAMILY thinks this is OK, if only enough so to remain silent. (Another slogan: âTo be SILENT is to be COMPLICIT*.â) I really donât exaggerate, that I think this process (the dream rape imagery shat into my sleeping mind) destroys my brain. I could explain better. Another group of mechanisms by which this destroys my brain is such as it interferes with my sleep and presumably natural dreaming (not to mention, bolsters my alcohol consumption as a convenient and reasonably effective sleep aid). Maybe Iâll post about issues of sleep separately sometime. But, fucking shit, it SHOULD NOT BE NECESSARY. WHY IS COMPASSION DEAD? WHY IS *MY* BURDEN OF PROOF IMPOSSIBLY HIGH, WHILE ALL *YOU* HAVE TO DO IS DEMONSTRATE THAT FASCISM WORKS? I think maybe the Diarrhea Games deserved their own red box (with a straight brown arrow pointing to HUMILIATION). So, there you have it. My dignity and human worth have been completely stolen from me (if I give in, this is âConquestâ i.e. theft of values, and probably it is anyway so long as I live and breath). I valued my dignity and privacy, but I was forced to choose between privacy and love (choosing love and losing both) and now I am forced to choose between dignity and justice. I thirst for the latter.
* âTo be SILENT is to be COMPLICITâ is all the more true with it is a chorus of silence. This is our âeach Nazi is Adolph-Hitler-TIMES-number-of-Nazis bad, rather than DIVIDED-BYâ concept, actually a very good and intuitive example. I canât believe my fucking town :~(
Maybe you talk behind my back but it ainât good enough, youâre getting nothing done! The Dolphinarium Cone of Silence is 1/2 the problem! What broken people we are. We are born with so much potential, and then somehow you become like this.
Re: my last post
I know this sounds angry, and my rhetoric can get pretty heated when I get into the flow of it But this is much more coming from a place of sadness, rather than anger or vengeance. I don't want more shame or embarassment or suffering for anyone. The thought of more makes me very sad. BUT THIS NEEDS TO STOP HAPPENING And that is why I make the statements I make. Because what I describe is how this will stop. Pop songs are a stirring record of their own inadequacy as a primary mode of effective activism in this area. They arenât enough, and my life is proof. This needs to stop happening, and you need to look at yourselves and see what you are. You can't repent if you won't confess your sins, And sin-with-plans-to-repent isn't true repentence, It's just another layer of sin.
INDICT FUCKING YOU
I think the people who perpetrate this against me need to be publically charged with ACTUAL rape and molestation I wonât be satisfied until they are I donât care if you are my family, my girlfriend, other girls, children, dragons, giants, vampires, the government, the Capitol, JUDGES, LAWYERS, SHRINKS, DOCTORS You ARE RAPISTS
It is like being locked in a virtual reality and being RAPED and MOLESTED It is TACTILE, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! *AND* this ainât no âhe said, she saidâ EVERYBODY KNOWS ITâS LIKE BEING RAPED PUBLICLY!!! AND YET NO JUSTICE! DO YOU THINK OF THIS AS GANG RAPE? AND SO THIS MAKES IT OK???!!!
It is like being locked in a rape basement for years I can be molested at any time genitals shocked anus shocked as well as âminor irritationsâ that drive me absolutely fucking insane YEARS
my sleeping brain is shown âvideosâ of my estranged* pets being tortured
*makes it sound like they had any say in the matter
THIS IS TORTURE AND RAPE AND THE PERPETRATORS NEED TO BE PUBLICLY HELD TO ACCOUNT
OR I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED KEEP YOUR FUCKING HATE SCHOOL DIPLOMA I WILL BURN IT PUBLICLY KEEP YOUR FUCKING TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT REWARD MONEY KEEP YOUR FUCKING ETC. BURN ON EARTH AND IN HELL
I feel I ought to acknowledge that this blog, like my facebook account, etc., has been hacked. I changed the password when I started posting, but given the blogâs origin (see DISCLAIMER) I suppose this is not so very surprising. I feel I ought to acknowledge it, but also mention, most of the edits are pretty non-egregious. I think the MO here is to create typos that make stupid puns or double meanings or whatever. (On facebook, there are entirely fabricated posts attributed to me.) I mention it mostly because, yes, sometimes I post sloppy posts, but other times, I do pretty meticulous proof-reading, yet these stupid hacks make these posts seem sloppy, too, or make me look stupid or even like I put in the joke on purpose. And this is especially irritating to me, because youâll notice, a lot of time I begin writing in nice normal formal formatted paragraphs, and by the end of the post, itâs way more informal, something closer to verse, and sometimes the sentences are pretty complicated and sometimes Iâll misspell something on purpose (like âredâ instead of âreadâ) for clarity, or for style, and so it basically becomes pretty important, to know that I meant to write it the way I did, and this is kind of a high bar because any UN-intentional mistake or abnormality creates an uncertainty of intent for the reader, in terms of other ambiguous text. When I spot a typo in, e.g., an email Iâve just sent, it irritates the shit out of me. Furthermore, I am posting this acknowledgement, not simply out of vanity, but because this blog is fuck-long with fuck-much text, and so there could be all manners of mistakes hidden among its pages, waiting there to surprise me when at some much later time I go back to re-read something of my older writings. And these unseen hacks COULD be egregious, and there is no way Iâd have the energy to systematically locate and correct them if there are any there. Ultimately, you need to read what you read and decide what makes sense to you, and I can only hope that the integrity of my posts are maintained sufficient that you can sort it out for yourself. It seems like that integrity is there, so I think this project is not entirely doomed at this time (though in the larger scope of life, we surely all are), and I just want to make sure you donât get hung up on any one or more detail that doesnât seem to make sense, and understand that authorship of that detail may be uncertain. I find itâs fairly inconvenient to edit posts on tumblr, especially long posts, especially typing on my ipad, so I tend to just let mistakes be and this is another reason I am typing this acknowledge in lieu of individual corrections. (I think tumblr is meant for short posts, memes, drawings and photos, etc.) Finally, I will frequently state, âI ainât a rat, I wonât run a fucking maze,â so the sisyphean task of continually correcting subtle on-going mischievous edits, this does not appeal to me at all.

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I donât know why the Supreme Court even fucking bothers. What is the point of their rulings if their rulings are simply ignored? WHAT GOOD IS A RIGHT IF ITâS ONLY THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU DONâT NEED IT? -and- IT AINâT A RIGHT IF YOU CANâT ASSERT IT! YOU ARE VIOLATING MY LEGAL AND CONSTITUTIONAL...
Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Fucking shit, I wrote this over a year ago. Itâs actually a rather thoughtful document, which is why I went seeking it today, but itâs the parts that Iâd forgotten about that Iâm interested in sharing here. Because this religion of yours, Hate Theater and submission to the Hitler Computer, is bullshit beyond bullshit. I try to be so fair-minded but itâs bullshit beyond bullshit. I donât need to be fair-minded because you impose it on me without my consent and despite my protests. Itâs fucking bullshit. Here are a few excerpts.
May 15, 2014
I am hearing a lot of messages, asking forgiveness and urging reconciliation, e.g., on the radio, on the internet, i donât watch T.V. otherwise i assume iâd find them there, too.
I canât pretend I ainât touched by it. I miss my girly and our pets like itâs been years. And even though I canât honestly say I think that I *should* have her back, I definitely want to talk to her, because I care about her soul as well as I have a burning desire to know what precisely went wrong and how precisely she was deceived in such a fucked-up way and if I can retain any hope for humanity; and I *would* like to reconcile, more than anything, but Iâve simply lost faith in her because she digs such a worthlessly deep grave for us and she wonât stop digging, and I donât know what kind of metaphor you think this is if it doesnât mean sheâs building up a burden for us on the other side, and the way she destroys our worthy options and wastes our opportunities, I find it nearly impossible to believe sheâs up to that burden; otherwise, why do this?! what is the point, of throwing away so much, if you know it just means throwing away more? ---but my heart requires that I know, if I can. I assume she is locked in an intellectual prison; will she turn on her captors (and mine)? I love her; I want to talk to her; I miss her; and Iâd rather assume nothing, Iâd rather find out.
But, on the other hand, itâs complete and utter bullshit.
How can you convince me she really wants forgiveness and reconciliation? If she wanted forgiveness
-wouldnât she stop harassing me? e.g., legally (perjury, order of protection), neglect, denying our love and shaming it online
-and wouldnât she ASK forgiveness? wouldnât she go to me?
but she doesnât.
So how can I believe you, that she wants forgiveness and reconciliation?
if she is in over her head, she could come to me, forget the courts, forget the others, come to me, talk to me, and iâd help her sort it out and maybe even forgive her, itâs harder every month and every year she lets pass but maybe, if sheâd still be willing to throw it all away for me, give up the race feet from the finish line, that would go a long away iâd think.........
but she doesnât.
[....]
i donât really believe she is *seeking* *MY* Forgiveness. I think she is seeking Forgiveness from the Hitler Computer. She hopes or is convinced this is enough or the same. But itâs not. Itâs bullshit scripted apologies. I ainât interested. If she wanted my forgiveness, she would go to me, she would ask me for it. But she doesnât. Because she is more concerned with the Hitler Computerâs forgiveness. She is playing by its rules and its script, she âdoes wrongâ in its (scripted) eyes, according to script, and then is forgiven in its eyes, according to script. This is the scriptâs misogyny, after all, one facet: we make her play a horrible part and blame her for it, and she doesnât even truly get to absolve her soul because it was never about her soul it was about putting her in her place in the worst way possible. Itâs about, the Hitler Computer puts her in her place, and it never even loved her.
If she wants *my* forgiveness this is such a feeble attempt! How can you call it an attempt??!! Itâs not. Itâs just pretend. Itâs âlove ainât real,â[*] âLove is submission to the Hitler Computer!â, âsubmission to the Hitler Computerâ *IS* real and what we used to call Love is just pretend. I pretend she is asking for forgiveness, because thatâs what the fucking worthless script says.
[*-Referencing the John Lennon song âLove,â which coincidentally I provided her a lyrical analysis of, in the waning moments of the lapsed protection order ~1.5 years ago (?) , my sole effort to contact her in the years since I was wrongfully arrested at the hospital after sheâd contacted me from there with concerns and questions. I donât really know how to navigate tumblr but if you can find a way to search the tag #JohnLennon then you ought to be able to read it, too. Itâs concise, see? I can be.]
[....]
In *my* case, I am entirely certain our oppression is a problem of BOTH institutional and individual failings. Although, in great honesty, I think it tends toward the latter, at least in *our* case. One reason I was willing to âstick my dick outâ somewhat, and thus âhad the book slammed on it,â was because I sensed something not right, I sensed we were being fucked with, and I worried there was some kind of fucked up institutional problem and my conscious compelled me to find out (and... why not?). But I and we were clever; we worked hard to protect ourselves and proceeded as carefully as possible. I point out, I never signed any blank contract with the Devil, and I never failed to assert my or our rights, I never conceded any of our legal rights, nor any of our âinstitutional claims,â so to speak. And yet, what did I discover? The institutions that should have protected us bend away instead. I donât think this âgameâ has worked in a while.... a lot of people have pointed out how blatantly failed it is. I later learned that John Lennon sang, âI know you know about the emperorâs clothes,â and I know e.g., the band named Built to Spill has an album named, not âkeep it a secretâ but âkeep it *like* a secret,â i.e. you ainât foolinâ anyone, you just pretend you are, how many times can a man turn his head and pretend that he just doesnât see? (15 billion million gazillion times and counting.) So I guess I canât brag, really, we played a careful hand but the Capitol knows it loses eventually and so it hardly makes a difference whether we play it well or not. But then again, maybe it does. I was asking for repentance 2 years ago, and I knew the fuck why. I have been ignored for at least 2 years. Souls are damning, and they canât pretend innocence. They canât hide behind Institutions, because I tested the Institutions: and they canât hide behind their *ignorance* of the Institutions, because I tried to tell them, I tried to get them to listen, I try to this day but they wonât listen. So, I know there are âinstitutional problems,â this bullshit secret religion of Simon Shitler says, of following the instructions from Tom Riddleâs diary, and yet, fundamentally, it ainât the Institutions, there ARE very important and fundamental Institutions that ought to work fine, we should have been protected!!! we should have been able to assert our rights!!! but people, INDIVIDUALS, stood in our way: they abused their positions of authority in order to bend the *actual* institutions of Civil Society away from us, not to mention, semi- and fully-âprivateâ institutions (Family, Religious and Cultural and Academic/Intellectual Communities, Professionalism), that should have been there for us, if only theyâd functioned properly. so really itâs just them and their souls. if they didnât want positions of authority, they shouldnât have taken them, they should have just done the fucking jobs they were paid for, but, no.
(oh fuck, when did I first write this? almost 2 years ago?)
I donât feel like I have any choice now, about the way I carry forth. I donât think my stupid manipulated girl felt like she had any choice, when she 1st reluctantly accepted her part in this.
but my (1st) therapists:
they have a choice! they have a choice every day!
no matter whatâs on the other side, the side thatâs hidden from me, âcompensation,â âacceptance fantasy,â made-up secret so-called laws
on the other side from that,
there is
HUMAN DECENCY! morals, ethics...
Professional Ethics
Legal rights (the letter of the law~âhealth proxy,â as it pertained to our circumstances; and the spirit of the law~the stack of every document we were offered, when we asked for every document available, that we could put both our names on: 8 different legal documents with both our names on them, drawn up by a lawyer and signed by us in 2008)
Contract Law (i.e., this is fraud!)
not to mention, the details of our personal, individual circumstances, from 1.5 years of discussing our circumstances an average of 1 hours/week
no matter what is hidden,
there is plainly a lot to balance that
and our shrinks, they cannot pretend they did not have a choice!!!
but they act as though they do not
when i know better
I see the âInstitutional Problem,â but I donât think that is the fundamental problem!
How can I convince you, to embrace Compassion, when you ALREADY KNOW compassion is good & important, but you donât act on it because you EMBRACE HYPOCRISY?
We donât need better Sesame Street
maybe we need Sesame Street with teeth?!
And:
What is the point of amending the U.S. Constitution, when you have been brainwashed to think it ainât apply???!!!!!!
What is the point of proving myself in court, what is the point of seeing if youâll LET me prove myself in court, when you think itâs perfectly acceptable to break the law anyway and to obstruct the legal pathways to justice, in the service of this admittedly sick and stupid system?!
I donât see the point!!!
In short, you have some combination of secret institutions, or secret interpretations of institutions, or secret bullshit tolerance for corruption---
that supersede what your out-in-the-open institutions ought to uphold and guarantee and enforce.
so,
really,
how can you think this is an âinstitutionalâ problem? yes, itâs a system, yes itâs an institution, but itâs designed to resist or work around meaningful institutional reform. but only because people,
INDIVIDUALS,
PLAY ALONG
INDIVIDUALS PICK âHATEâ OVER âLOVEâ (so far as I am concerned, and others agree, and you who disagree are cowards who hide from me rather than discuss these assertions with me openly).
yes, this system subverts the principles of Adaptive Management (see my info-graphic), but oh so fucking blatantly so. you donât need to see the bigger picture to see the problems at every point, and at every point is a person, who thinks you can hide behind this bad system, you think it has the power to shield you from individual personal culpability, you think you join the selfish herd and you wonât get picked off the by the predators of justice or karma, or you convince yourself each Nazi is as bad as Hitler-divided-by-the-number-of-Nazis, when in fact each Nazi is as bad as Hitler-TIMES-the-number-of-Nazis, and really this is more fundamental than âiâm just following orders,â itâs âiâm following orders to ignore the screams and pleas of the Jewsâ which, oh you fucking shits you, is so much worse than âpush all these button, including this oneâ (on an oven, say) and so you do, you donât know what it does but you truly donât smell anything wrong. you should know better. YOU. not the people long-since dead who invented this. YOU.
maybe if we hadnât played so carefully, iâd be trying to solve this institutionally
(i did, I even tried it âon your wavelength,â with my two part plan involving âspiritual abuse awareness,â in addition to several other ânarrativeâ solutions and so forth)
but, as it is, i think it is fundamentally not a problem of institutions,
but a problem of people.
[....]
So, back from that long tangent:
Your propaganda is âshe is sorry, she wants to reconcile.â The wrongfully-convicted man served nearly all of his sentence, but was set free as soon as it was shown he had been wrongfully convicted. My girl wants forgiveness... but expects me to finish out my sentence first anyway?
THIS IS BULLSHIT
i lived with this girl for around 11 years
i bought a cell phone for no other reason than so that she could reach me whenever she needed or wanted to
(since she stopped calling, i havenât touched my phone and even cancelled my landline)
i was willing to stop whatever i was doing at any moment, if she truly needed me or if i perceived that she did or if she asked me desperately enough
she would get antsy and text message me if I was out too long running errands, sheâd says, come home! wonât you come home! or if i spent two hours trying to talk sense to my stubborn parents, sheâd text, âwhen are you coming home!â
and how could this ever have annoyed me? she wanted me there :~( even if I couldnât be right away.... but usually I could, and I always tried!
i stopped volunteering for Engineers for a Sustainable World, a student organization, while in college, because I didnât think I had enough time to divide among it and my classes and my girl and our pets, and not because I am dumb and Iâm slow at school work or canât manage my time or even really that I procrastinate very much....... i dropped down to 12 credits almost every semester, not because i couldnât handle more credits, but because.... my girl wanted me there... and i wanted to be there... and this was my choice and what i chose to do
and when there was a problem in the middle of the night, i solved it
and if my girl was exhausted or overwhelmed, i solved it
if she needed something from the store, i went to get it for her
if she wanted me to look over something sheâd written or whatever, i was there for her
whenever she needed me
isnât this love?
iâm there for you when you need me!
when you need me most,
when you want me most,
when you need me or want me at all, and i can be.....
âany time at all, any time at all, all you gotta do is call, and iâll be thereâ
iâve tried so hard to call her
before i was arrested, i tried to get through to her
now i am forbidden from seeing her or communicating with her
but i try to call her anyway, with my soul
but she ainât here
i call and she wonât go to me, i call her, âyou canât refuse,â but she does
:~(
how is this love?
i say, i need you
others tell you i donât
and who do you listen to?
:~(
how is this compatible with love?
you tell me she wants forgiveness, but she wants to âfinish thisâ even more
no âany time at all,â she wants forgiveness but insists i finish my prison sentence first, anyway,
before sheâll be mine
this is bullshit
you can try to convince me itâs not, but your arguments are feeble
itâs bullshit, at least in our case
you can try to convince me sheâs not [bullshit, that] her behavior [is not bullshit], but the rest of you still are, and i think her behavior is bullshit, too, and this narrative about it
i call it
âraping me in my forgiveness vagina.â
it actually took me a surprising while to put this into other words.
but those other words are (not literally translated, but close enough):
âthis exploits my forgiveness, so i cannot be forgiving.â
which is why i say,
it is the easiest thing in the world, to be forgiven
you simply sing âamazing grace,â and you can be forgiven.
but you who submit to this ideology of hate and hypocrisy,
you refuse to sing âamazing graceâ
you wonât sing it until the script says to sing, so it ainât real, itâs a bullshit scripted apology:
you are trying to exploit my forgiveness!
(and i am about as forgiving a person as youâll meet, short of being a doormat who lacks his own convictions or self-respect)
you are trying to exploit my forgiveness, with your bullshit propaganda, âsheâs so sorry! she wants to reconcile! just you wait til tomorrow! or, um...... one more election! or is it the next holiday? i forget which bullshit excuse to delay weâre making today! (for you are raping me in my patience vagina, too, by a similar reasoning)
--you are trying to exploit my forgiveness, you are âraping me in my forgiveness vaginaâ such that you arrange this so i will have no other option but to forgive!!! that is why it is RAPE: because you remove (or try to) my ability to refuse forgiveness, or (more pertinently) to affect my circumstances such that I could be forgiving, i.e., to negotiate *my* terms, you wonât let me âopt outâ or âquitâ or win some meaningful compromise, NO. You insist, I can only forgive! Instead you rape me, and you rape me in my patience vagina, and you rape me in my trust vagina. Over and over.--
and so, if I really hate this system, and I do, and I really think it is not compatible with my understanding of Love, and I do, and if I really think it is a horrible illegal injustice and that you are brainwashing the girl I love against her sweet and caring nature and to embrace hate and hypocrisy and to ignore the impulse of compassion, and I do, etc. etc.--
then what else can I do, but refuse forgiveness? you give me no other option, you force this.
this is why i let my heart die, i suppose:
because i hate this system
i donât think itâs compatible with love as i understand it
so i tried everything else i could first, but then i had to decide to let my heart die
because i wonât be patient and i canât forgive
and i think love without trust is bullshit
and life without love is bullshit
at least, it ainât worth it to me
not after this,
which is intentional,
injustice;
not accident,
but murder.
this is one way your system works---
it is rape: not sexual rape, but itâs still a form of rape, in fact, many forms of rape
most fundamentally, because it is designed to GET AROUND OUR CONSENT:
âi never consented at all,
and my girl consented like a drunk girl consents to being raped.â
and i think itâs equally bad: that we are isolated, systematically and illegally and through corruption, such that our âmutual consentâ becomes meaningless
(and if we are functional and loving, wonât this be the strongest and most meaningful form of consent --or non-consent--? our MUTUAL consent? which is why you separate us in a secret, extra-coercive âprisonerâs dilemmaâ.... so that we will be that much easier to coerce and manipulate)
it is rape, and what you do is, everyone holds their breath and says OK....
*penetration*.
(i have so many dumb quotes i make up, like âhow dare you stick your dicks into my life and in-between me and my girl?â)
penetration is the 1st and most important step (at least, you tell yourselves). you work very hard to set it up, and then you placate your conscious with lies as you begin your fucking rape of us.
and youâve done your work well, so youâve indoctrinated my girl (and try to teach me) the doctrine of âdamage is doneâ: that is to say, imagine a world with no justice and no recourse for mistakes! if you are wrongfully convicted, there is no second-guessing and no appeal, not after 1 year and not after 24 years, and if you are exonerated through some miracle you are set free, but your quest for justice ends there because âDAMAGE IS DONEâ and you are told be grateful for what you got because we own you you are slave-kind and we own you and you need to be grateful for what you got, for what we give you, damage is done so get fucking used to it and try to make the most of what youâre given.
you penetrate, and you say, damage is done!!!
and we say, or i say, i tell our shrink, you are raping us! you are allowing us to be raped! or your partner-shrink is raping my girlâs mind downstairs (yet another form of rape), she is indoctrinating her on the part sheâll play but this includes how to imprison her own mind in willful (hateful) ignorance, such that I am kicked out of the house if I reveal any dissent! (which is... a lot!!!) and so I need you, my shrink, upstairs, to understand how not OK this is but instead of being, oh i dunno, a check on the system, just *in case* maybe itâs not the most appropriate treatment under our circumstances, instead he sees his job as keeping me farther away from the indoctrination going on downstair, i.e., i call him âthe rape-room guardâ.... and you try to teach me to ignore the dicks in my various vaginas and encourage me to move on... âhow are you going to move on?â all you shitheads ask, because, obviously, you say, damage is done, ainât no [justice, reform], in fact, if anything you people are most keenly aware of [letâs call it âthe principle of languishâ] and how to misuse it, such that you figure if you can get away with it long enough then you can get away with it, not just in the fundamental sense of, [my] problem ainât really fixed if you take too long at fixing it, but also in the sense that you hope to escape [justice and reform] by wearing down my will for justice and/or my capacity to achieve it, even when eventually I am freed, and presumably I am / we are compensated.
you figure, once the dick is in, the rest of you can breathe easy.
and eventually iâll accept, damage is done, and learn to breathe easier, too.
but i donât.
i refuse. iâd literally rather die. not because i am petty, not because i havenât thought this all through thoroughly and carefully. i understand my reasons, and at the end of the day, itâs how you feel that matters anyway, if not reasons!, and this is how I feel.
so, now you are trying to convince,
penetration = damage is done
and you are trying to convince me to try to be forgiving,
but all the while you have the fucking gall, you say
damage is done,
penetration,
now just let us finish,
before we stop raping you
(since we penetrated anyway)
....
And then youâll forgive, right?
?!
No?!
You are asking for forgiveness,
and you havenât even stopped raping us yet???!!!
you people have the most fucked up idea of morality i can possibly imagine
i have wasted a lot time and energy typing this
when i know itâs bullshit anyway
itâs just canards (red herring) to occupy my attention
whether or not my girl is sorry (i presume she is)
it has nothing whatsoever to do with your messages to me
if you thought youâd get more traction with âtoughen up! donât feel so fucking sorry for yourself!â then youâd be telling me that instead. but maybe you are sick of hearing about Rosa Parks. and you know i ainât really fooled so you arenât really scared to show too many cards. you like to show me cards. itâs a fucking game to you, show me a card, did ya see it? did ya see the card? now write me 25 pages about it! wink wink smiley
love is âany time at allâ
not
rape, penetration, damage is done, now just let me finish....
before apologies and reconciliation
youâll never convince me otherwise
and you ainât even really trying
because i know you ainât really convinced either
i know my girl thinks she has some kind of reason for this, for keeping up the act
but fuck that :~(
âany time at allâ
:~(
weâve waited too long already and WHO FUCKING CARES
if you make a fucking mess by stopping this early, then I will *********DELIGHT********* in that mess!!!!!!!!!! and weâll clean it up *****together***** ***whatever*** and ***however long*** that requires!!!!!!!!!
but you are making a mess of everything that matters, you are keeping me away from you and away from our kitties and doggies, you are making a mess of our SOULS and, smart as I am, that is the one mess that I find daunting, how to clean up our shitted-out souls, it is the only mess I can imagine that will cause me misery to clean up and YOU DIG A DEEPER GRAVE EVERY DAY so who cares about anything else, BE LOVING! I CALL YOU, I CALL YOU, MY SHINY BLACK BESS! HEREâS YOUR NEW LINE: âANY TIME AT ALL!â AND THEN FUCKING ACT UPON IT!!!!!!!!!!!
love has always alway always always been nothing but collateral damage to this system
itâs in the way, so you need to move it out of the way
(it holds us together, when you want us apart)
when you can use it against us, youâve learned to do that
but really, you leave no place for love in your system
loving people have three options
-perish
-renounce love, or
-break
everyone is different, of course, some people may have relationships that suffer less under this abusive and humiliating system
but i think more so, loving people have tried futilely to hold on
that is to say, of course your relationship can survive this, iâd imagine a large percentage do, especially if they donât fall apart rather quickly
but, you know, a city can survive a bomb blast
and bombs are bad for cities, they ainât good
but loving people, who might otherwise suffer this badly, they try futilely to hold on, and so they invent ways, that they can call this loving
that is, they learn to lie to themselves :~(
they learn to tell themselves,
love ainât real (we pretend it instead!)
love ainât touch, and
love ainât free (how much better it will be once weâve earned it!)
etc.
itâs emotional self-preservation
because, really there is no place for love in this way
and that is difficult to accept
when you perceive it to be inevitable;
you donât want to perish
and you donât want to renounce love, not fully and not consciously
so you break:
my girl needed me once upon a time,
in that she wanted me and she allowed herself to need me:
love
but now she doesnât need me, or else she could have me, but she hasnât had me for more than 2 years and this has been her choice whether or not she wants to believe it or whether she was manipulated, etc. and even if it wasnât her choice she doesnât need me because sheâs lived two years without me so she doesnât need me, sheâs been forced to learn not to
she doesnât text message me, âyouâve been gone 2 hours! will you be home soon??!!â
this was love
and then we break
they break us
and so we are broken
even if we reconcile
how can i ever be as happy as i was
when i know she gave me up for so long
she proved she could, she proved she was willing
:~(
how long will take, until our lives are as deeply intertwined as they were,
after more than 10 years together?
sheâs lived more than 2 years without me
i was cut out of her mental existence more than 3 years ago, beginning in roughly summer 2010, thatâs almost 4 years ago, and intensifying over the next 6 months so that we were almost wholly âmentally estrangedâ by the beginning of 2011, almost 3.5 years ago
:~(
like i care if she can feed herself or pay her own bills; she hasnât needed me as a part of her *mental world* in almost 4 years
how is this love?
to give me up for so long? how are we not broken souls, if we were ever once lovers?
maybe you were less intertwined than we were, fewer years or less close; so you lost less than we did,
although i donât judge the quality of your love or how this might hurt you
and maybe the timing of it wasnât so woefully unfortunate to you as it was to us:
we were planning Adult Life, we were beginning it, we were students up until practically this estrangement began and so i am cut out of her life for these years, years, years, (and she from mine,) these formative years at the beginning of our new Life Stage, which is to say: we were growing as people, we hadnât reached a stable life point yet, and so instead of growing closer, we literally grow apart :~(
and maybe this wasnât your experience
maybe it was more like a âlife interludeâ.... or a vacation.............
(although i donât judge the quality of your love or how this might hurt you; i just know how it hurts me)
we approach the FIFTH summer squandered to this, stolen from the twilight of our youth :~(
you will never convince me this system has anything to do with love
it destroys everything i valued most
and how can anything ever be as beautiful as it was
before you broke it?
before you made us learn to live this way
and
for so long
:~(