The Buffalo

                                            Lipscomb’s Chapel Office hit a milestone last week as students’ rush to get in 30 chapel credits by the end of the semester resulted in chapel attendance reaching an all-time high.

The administration is thrilled at the news of so many students choosing to attend mandatory chapel services. Said one administrator, “What’s chapel? Oh you mean ‘Empty-Student-Center Lunchtime? Yeah, that’s great that so many students weren’t in the Chick-Fil-A line….errrr I mean it’s great that so many students were at chapel.” As you can tell, our respected leaders love chapel as much as we do, but what exactly is the source of all the success? What has made chapel at Lipscomb the successful event with a rock-concert like atmosphere that it is?

Many believe it’s because of how much students love earning ‘God Points’ otherwise known as chapel credits. Students are required to get 30 chapel credits per semester (unless they only have Tuesday/Thursday classes, presumably because the chapel office figured ‘If they’re smart enough to schedule specific classes to miss chapel, they’re too smart for chapel anyway’).

Many lost their love for chapel credit a few years ago when they stopped letting us buy credit via “donations” to charitable causes. Chapel credits went even more out of style when they stopped allowing blood donations to the American Red Cross to count as chapel credit. I guess sacrificial blood doesn’t have the same worth as it did a few thousand years ago.

However, many are crediting the rise in positive attitudes toward chapel to the implementation of service credit. “I love that I get to do service for chapel credit,” comments one student, “There’s nothing quite as fulfilling as selflessly giving up my time just for the purpose of serving others and not for my own gain…and then getting a chapel credit for doing it.” Upon the realization that students prefer serving when they get credit for doing so, Lipscomb administrators have decided to rename Lipscomb mission trips “Chapel Credit Trips”. After all, as our respected president often mentions, we are one of the top universities in the nation when it comes to service*. 

Speaking of “the Man,” another possible reason chapel numbers are up is likely due to students hoping they might get a chance to hear the man who has been called “the voice of a generation he’s not a member of,” Randy Lowry. His words have been deemed so important to the spiritual life of students that anytime he speaks, we get two chapel credits! Two!  We didn’t even get two credits for enduring the whirlwind of Spirit that Jane Heather regurgitated upon us.

But what wouldn’t we do for two credits? Even the joyful cherubs we know as “chapel scanners” get two credits for scanning. And you thought they were angels who were only scanning out of the goodness of their heart and so they could make lunch money selling chapel credits to the highest bidder. Nope, they’re shameless chapel credit guzzlers like the rest of us.

But don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same thing. The Chapel Office is flooded week after week by emails of students who love chapel** but would like to know if they can get credit from some random thing they did. The answer is no: you can’t get chapel credit for voting republican, you can’t get chapel credit for putting out a new tray after you send your plate down the conveyor belt in the caf, you can’t get chapel credit because President Lowry remembered your name, you can’t get credit for actually opening the chapel email this week, and you can’t get credit for pooping on the president of Belmont’s front porch (unfortunately).

Others have suggested that the rise in numbers at MANDATORY chapel services is due to the wonderful atmosphere that is prepared to optimize students’ forced spiritual experience. Students love to attend chapel, especially now that they shut down Wifi during chapel hours. It really allows students, who otherwise would’ve been on their laptops, to truly unwind and disconnect from the outside world for the sake of the chapel service…for the three seconds until their 3G loads.

Another part of the chapel experience students likely enjoy is being told to move if they stand in the back instead of sitting down, by who is presumably some kind of spiritual bouncer. That’s assuming they make it before the chapel lockdown at 10:55. Unfortunately some students, probably because they are Liberal, Satanist, Socialist, Neo-Nazi Jesus-haters, choose to be late to chapel. These students, of course, are locked out of chapel and the Rancor is released in Allen Circle.                                                                                              

                                                                 "You're late, prepare to die. Unless you're a Jedi."

However, assuming they do make chapel on time, students also likely love chapel so much because they enjoy the thrill of being in the middle of a stampede out of Allen when chapel is over, akin to the lifeboat area of the Titanic after panic set in. Students also presumably enjoy standing around the chapel scanners holding out their ID card like they’re Oliver Twist asking for seconds at the orphanage, absentmindedly acting like the seagulls from Finding Nemo (“Moine? Moine? Moine?”).

Alas, perhaps all of the Chapel Office’s success in chapel attendance, that is in no way optional, is because of all the different chapel options. Perhaps students love celebrating the complexities and diverse nature of God by having the option to attend chapel with their social clones! Love feeling elite because of the friends you bought? Greek Life Chapel is for you! Enjoy drinking coffee and being arrogant? Well, head on over to Study Abroad chapel, amigo. Like to surround yourself with bros bent on physical perfection? Give Sports Chapel a holla. Like song and dance numbers? Not only is Theatre Chapel for you, but you might even get the chance to put on a performance at the Gathering because music in chapel is ok when it’s from a musical, but not ok in the form of worship music! Wow! The possibilities are endless!

Administrators are even considering implementing a new program similar to the off-campus meal plan that will finally allow students chapel credit for going to Church on Sunday morning. The off-campus chapel system will feature a points system that gives a certain amount of chapel credit based on how trendy and relevant the church attended is, ranging from Granny White to Ethos.

Experts continue to be baffled by mandatory chapel numbers continuing to rise as the school year comes to a close. They can’t seem to figure out what is causing it. Perhaps students, while devout Christians that truly enjoy serving and worshipping God, are attending chapel because they know they’ll lose thousands of dollars in scholarships (via chapel probation) if they don’t. Perhaps students would continue to be involved with spiritual life on campus even if it wasn’t mandatory, the only difference being that it’s more meaningful doing something because you choose to, as opposed to being forced to. Perhaps just because someone loves something doesn’t mean you should force that thing down that person’s throat. Perhaps chapel and all the other spiritual and service options on campus are a great opportunity for students to grow spiritually, but only if they want to grow spiritually. Perhaps forcing non-Christian students to attend something that preaches about mercy and love, and then locking them out when they're late isn’t the best way to do things.

The administration’s reaction to this observation? “Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

*It's not really service if it's mandatory

                                      Student life at Lipscomb University (otherwise known as LU Lipscomb University) is in shambles after Liberty University laid claim to students and administrators following the discovery that, because Liberty University owns the use of “LU”, they also own every unfortunate university asset that has the same initials as a corresponding part of Liberty’s community.

  The Lipscomb community was mildly alarmed two weeks ago in reaction to the news that Liberty University was taking legal action against Lipscomb University’s use of “LU” as a school logo, much like a jealous 7th grade girl who tells her friend to stop wearing hoop earrings because “Hoops are totally my thing.” Lumination Network covered the initial story as well as a follow-up, and the story was also covered by The Tennessean.

  However, much to the dismay of Lipscomb Students, Faculty, and Staff, the school’s use of “LU” also made all of those involved with the school legally enslaved to any member of the Liberty University community that has the same initials in their name. That’s right, due to a small loophole in federal copyright law, students or faculty members that share initials in their names with students or faculty members of Liberty become forever indebted to them as a human slave.

  We sought to acquire a quote from Lipscomb President, Randy Lowry (who you may know from this story or this story that we wrote), however, President Lowry was unavailable and last seen being led by a leash around Liberty’s campus by Liberty University President, Ronald Landry. In Lipscomb’s frenzied search for leadership in this troubling time, students next turned to Dean of Student Life, Scott McDowell. Unfortunately, Dean McDowell is now forever a legal servant to Liberty Dean of Students, Steve McDonell, and was last seen wielding a large fan made of feathers to cool his new copyright-induced master.

  Even Lipscomb staff was not spared, as beloved Lipscomb food service worker, “Mama Sheila” unfortunately found herself indebted to sassy Liberty custodial worker, “Mother Shawna”.

  Chaos ensued in the following hours, as Liberty students began scouring Facebook in search of Lipscomb students they might now own. Students began calling parents to inform them of their impending legal servitude, perhaps even to say their last goodbyes.

  We contacted an attorney representing Liberty and inquired about Liberty’s legal right to just annex Lipscomb (as if it were Poland or something) and the moral implications if this loophole is, in fact, legal. “We found out that there were people walking around Lipscomb’s campus and using our initials, as if they had acquired legal rights to them before us,” was the heated response of the attorney. “We realize it may seem a little drastic or unfair to claim Lipscomb as slaves, but we own those initials, fair and square.” The curly-mustached attorney then sat back into his large-backed desk chair, stroked his pet cat, and chuckled maniacally to himself.

  Members of Lipscomb’s community have done little to stop the legal madness (seriously, read the articles, we pretty much just rolled over), so students are entering their new life of servitude campus-wide with the weirdly friendly temperament of a Canadian who has been cut in line at the grocery store.

  “I get that Liberty doesn’t want us to use their initials for marketing purposes,” said Lipscomb Junior Shelley Manison, now a slave of Liberty freshman, Sarah Mandell. She continued by saying, “I guess I think that just because they have legal rights to our initials, doesn’t mean they should use that to bully us into changing. I mean we are both Christian schools after all.” Manison then loaded up her car for the seven and a half hour drive to Liberty to pickup her new master’s dry-cleaning.

                                                    We have all heard the age-old advice for public speaking anxiety: just picture your audience naked. The success around this technique peaked the interest of Lipscomb researchers, who decided to perform a study seeing if the same positive affect could be observed if members of the audience pictured the speaker naked. Naturally, the easiest way to study this was to observe the classroom in the classic lecture format: a group of students listening to a lecturing professor.

The results were so strong in the opposite direction than the researchers were expecting, this public service announcement has been issued for your safety: Do not, under any circumstances, picture your professors naked.

According to research, about 100% of the time that a student imagines his or her teacher in the nude while they are in the process of teaching, it will not lead to any significant increase in learning on the part of the student. Those who took part in the research consider it very important to inform students that they should not picture their professors, particularly older professors, in the nude.

“We want to encourage all students not to imagine if their professor was at the front of the room without any clothes on, perhaps holding a coffee cup or bending down to pick up a dropped dry-erase marker. It simply will not improve their learning experience and we want to completely remove any thoughts like this out of the students’ minds,” said one of the researchers involved with the study. “It simply does not help to picture your 56 year-old professor standing next to the board, perhaps only wearing a sweater vest, the years of the educator’s life showing in the sagginess of his skin around his hips and arms. Additionally, any image of a classroom experience where the speaker slowly slides off his loafers and slacks in front of a room full of young classgoers should most certainly not be pictured by students as it in no way increases productivity.”

Some members of the community have come forward in opposition to results of the study, claiming that mentioning professors naked, especially going into deep detail describing scenarios of nude educators, will only make readers more likely to unwillingly imagine the unsettling image. This is likely the same group that has suggested that any Lipscomb policy (like drugs, alcohol, homosexuality, etc) that strictly forbids something without addressing the details and starting a conversation on the topic in a way that makes students want to be engaged in learning about it from a Christian perspective instead of creating a taboo that students can’t help but be involved in purely out of subconscious curiosity (much like picturing a Biology professor in the line of the cafeteria, only being covered by the plate of poppy seed chicken that he’s holding, which you should NOT picture. Just don’t do it! Stop!) Researchers have responded to this group of dissenters by saying, “Nuh uh! Shut up, you don’t know anything! Poo-poo heads.”

                                           Campus maintenance staff is still cleaning up after the raucous activities catalyzed by the paint rave this past Friday evening. The head of the department claimed he was hoping they would finish cleaning the graffiti off the belltower and the Jell-O mix out of the fountain by this Wednesday. President Lowry has announced an expedition of a team of expert divers to the bottom of Lake Lipscomb to retrieve the Bison that someone uprooted from the center of campus. So, what turned the campus into a recreation of the day after a cliche 90s teen movie house party? Good, Clean Fun, that’s what.

We all knew Good, Clean Fun (also known as “GCF” and “Fellowship”) would be at the paint rave this weekend, let’s be honest. The SGA even advertised that GCF would be had for all who chose to attend. What no one could have possibly expected, however, was the heaps and heaps of “Fellowship” that would make this paint rave one that would go down in infamy for years to come.

The rave started relatively tame. Some students had clearly already had a little Good, Clean Fun before they arrived, but, overall, students seemed sober and apathetic. However, as the music continued to pulse and the paint began to flow like the colors of a million poorly-filtered instagrams of the same sunset, it became more and more evident that students were having copious amounts of GCF. Some students were allegedly slipping off to the bathroom to do a line of Clean, Christian Fun, while others boldly shot it up on the dance floor. However the method, enough students began feeling the effects of the Clean Fun that the crowd worked itself into a Good, Clean Frenzy. It’s difficult to even describe how clean the fun was and how Christian the dancing was.

Eventually, the crowd of Good, Christian students lost control completely, stampeded out of the parking garage, and began wreaking Good, Clean havoc on the campus. Students were seen throwing assorted pieces of furniture out the windows of High Rise, a few students broke into the upstairs cafeteria and destroyed the ingredients Sodexo chefs would need to prepare any dish except for poppy seed chicken, and a group of students broke into Hughes and used a 3D printer to make a series of Lipscomb-themed action figures (including Astronaut Mama Sheila, Basketball Star Dean Mcdowell, and Robot President Lowry with detachable hairpiece and light-up laser beam eyes). The Good, Clean pandemonium could be heard for miles in every direction.

“Yeah, GCF is just a good substitute for like, drugs and stuff, y’know?” claimed one student. “It really lets me feel like I’m a crazy, spontaneous college student without all the shame and regret usually associated with college life. I don’t have to be drunk or high to act like an idiot, I do that all the time when I’m sober! Thanks, Good, Clean Fun!” Students really seem to like GCF as it allows them to feel cool for once.

                              An extensive study has concluded that students who study abroad are better in every way than students who don’t.

A press release from Lipscomb’s Global Learning department last Thursday stated that students who study abroad outscore students who don’t in the following areas: correcting people who make small geography mistakes, telling stories no one wants to hear, using inside jokes no one gets, and just general pretentiousness. Global Learning hopes these exciting news stats encourage more students to choose to study abroad so they, too, can be better than everyone who doesn’t.

            The breaking information has catalyzed Global Learning into starting a new marketing campaign with the motto, “Explore the World: Because Your Friends Can’t.”

            “We really want students to meet their full potential while they’re here at Lipscomb,” said one representative from Global Learning, “And the best way to do that is to pay for experiences their friends can’t afford and hold it over their head.” Administrators felt like the numerous posters and London-style phone booth in the student center, wallpaper on all the computers on campus, global learning breakout chapel, numerous announcements and advertisements in the Gathering, and testimonies from students who have already studied abroad (even if you didn’t ask them for it) weren’t enough to make the student body aware of the possibility that they can study abroad. “We have to assume a lot of students still don’t know about the study abroad programs because who wouldn’t take advantage of a chance to make their peers feel inferior?” said an administrator.

            The new statistical results have also been a key factor in Global Learning Administrators adding new classes they feel will better prepare students to feel like they’re better than their peers. These new courses will teach study abroad students how to “accidentally” answer a question in German since they’re so used to speaking it, how to properly pronounce Bath, England (it’s B-ahhhhhhhhhh-th), how to pretend you know anything about art (Oh, yeah I saw that one in a museum in Amsterdam), how to cook using multiple Nutella recipes, and how to properly upload photos and videos to various social media outlets to show students back home all the cool stuff they’re missing out on.           

                                                           “What’s the point of seeing the Eiffel Tower if I can’t use it to remind my friends back in Nashville how much their semester sucks compared to mine?” asked one student involved in the Lipscomb in Vienna program, who was holding a professional-quality dSLR camera she likely had no business owning as a 19-year-old college student with no photography experience. Then adding, “Will you hold my fanny pack while I lay on this 12th century marble floor and take a picture of that funny-looking street performer?”

            “I’m excited about the new changes,” added a boy participating in the Lipscomb in Britain program, “Without all these new classes, I may not know how to show all the girls back home all the suave new scarves I bought at H&M. Also could you put in your article that I’m really into soccer now? But don’t say soccer, say “European Football” so everyone knows I’m legit.”

            “Yeah I love the new changes,” added a Lipscomb in Santiago student, “They actually remind me of this one time when I was watching the sunrise over the mountains in Patagonia…well actually never mind, you “Americans” wouldn’t get it since you haven’t been there. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go order black coffee and drink it in a mug in Starbucks so everyone knows I’m above creamer and paper cups since I’m so cultured.”

            Further quotes were impossible to get from students because they were all having their pictures taken while they were pretending to hold up the Leaning Tower of Pisa, because apparently no one has ever done that before.

            In light of all the success with study abroad students, Lipscomb administrators are considering closing down the Nashville campus. “There’s not really a point in continuing to offer classes in the U.S. when students who take the same classes in other countries are clearly much better than students who stay domestic. Don’t they know they could study abroad?!?”

            As a result, administrators are in the beginning stages of potentially moving the main campus to Vienna so students can “study abroad” in Nashville and hopefully start performing as well as all the intellectually superior students who study abroad without having to actually pay to go abroad. Hopefully this will begin to close the academic performance gap between students who study abroad and students who don’t.

                A new study shows that getting married young is an incredibly smart thing to do. A Lipscomb psychologist, Dr. Steve Stevenson (who is absolutely a real person), has concluded in his recent study that it is incredibly intelligent to get married as young as possible.

“My research has resulted in the unsurprising conclusion that people who get married in their late teens or early twenties, especially if they’re an underclassman in college, will almost definitely succeed in their marriage.” Dr. Stevenson (who, again, is a very real person with a real degree) encourages all couples in college to wed as soon as possible for the sake of their future. “I just wish these ignorant young couples would stop being so selfish and just get married already before they ruin their future together!”, urges Dr. Stevenson in a voice that can only be described as “in existence”.

But what could possibly keep a couple from making the brilliant decision of getting hitched before they have any idea what they’re doing for a career?

Some seem to advocate their want to have a secure income or somewhat stable future plans before they make a life commitment to another person they’ve only known for 6 months. As ridiculous as this statement sounds, more and more college students seem to be jumping on what is being called “The Reasoning and Logical Thinking Bandwagon” that pushes kids to actually think logically about their future. That’s right, these students actually advocate waiting around (like there’s time for that when you have a Pinterest wedding to plan) until they are a Senior or graduated (or, God forbid, even later than that) before they tie the knot, for the sake of so called “fiscal responsibility”. Well the joke’s on them because parents usually don’t charge rent when you move back in.

This issue has gotten so bad that many women are even claiming that they came to school to actually earn a “degree” they will “use” as a “member” of “the workforce”. That’s right, some of the more liberal females on campus seem to be under the impression that they are more than a food-making baby factory. I blame Obama.

You might be asking “But what if I’m not sure if I’m in love with this person yet?” Well, first of all, the general rule of thumb here is to “marry first, ask questions later.” Also, who marries for love anymore? I'm in it for the Facebook likes. However if you must know, there is an answer to the question of an unsure future in your young marriage. Young divorce. So lawyer up, sign the pre-nup,and call the preacher, it’s time for the shotgun wedding your parents have always dreamed of.

Hopefully this horrifying new epidemic can be stopped before it keeps those who have not lost their minds from transferring to schools that still advocate early marriage (as they should) like Harding University in Searcy, Arkansas.

Don’t forget to pick up one of Harding's pamphlets: “So You’re 19, in College, and Engaged……That’s It For You, Huh?

Do you have issues with Lipscomb or any other establishment of "the Man"? Do you like sharing those isues/sticking it to the Man via sarcastic, ironic writing? Well you're a bitter person and probably don't have many friends. BUT you CAN write for the Buffalo!

That's right, the Buffalo is now accepting any submission that can contribute to the cause of getting all entirely NOT satirical news out to the Lipscomb student body.

Just email [email protected] with your article, and, if we like it, you'll see it on our tumblr.

Rules:

1. No profanity

2. Make it funny

And that's it! It's so easy! Wow!

FAQ's

Will I upset anyone?

Just don't call people out specifically and try to keep it relatively civil and in good taste.

Will my name be on it?

All submissions will be submitted anonymously or under use of a pseudonym. 

Will I get paid?

Haha. Good one.

         There is a slight air of melancholy on campus as Lipscomb enters its second day of an administration shutdown.

Due to a disagreement between President Lowry and the SGA upon the school’s funding of Tuesday night’s Dave Barnes concert, the everyday workings of the LU Admin has been temporarily shutdown. As such, all non-essential Lipscomb employees have been furloughed (temporary unpaid leave) until further notice.

As many of you know, President Lowry entered a new school policy last year that implemented a new plan to pay for the concert ticket of every student at Lipscomb, which he named LowryCare. Students would not be required to use the concert ticket the administration bought them, but would be required to have some kind of concert ticket or otherwise have to pay a fee or file for a concert ticket exemption. He believes LowryCare will allow students, who otherwise would not have access to awesome concerts, to attend totally awesome concerts (a belief many argue to be a basic student right). This met some controversy in the student-controlled SGA. They disagreed with Lowry, instead arguing that the new policy would require too much of the students’ tuition money, as it would completely pay for the entire concert ticket of many students on campus that otherwise couldn’t/wouldn’t pay for one. Members of the SGA are also worried for on-campus student employers because the new policy requires all employers to provide a concert ticket option for their student employees which they feel is an unnecessary and wasteful expense for the employer.

The argument came to a head at the beginning of the week as the new fiscal year started on October 1st. The SGA proposed two changes to the LowryCare policy: one that would delay its implementation for a year and another that would repeal its concert device tax. Both amendments were denied by Lowry, which catalyzed the administration into the shutdown we’re experiencing now.

As previously mentioned, all non-essential school employees will be furloughed until the administration shutdown comes to an end. As a result, the grass has grown an entire one tenth of an inch, students who relied on Starbucks for coffee have been forced to look elsewhere, and Mama Sheila has spent more time off Lipscomb’s campus than she has since 1943. Additionally, many classes have suffered due to professors having no idea how to use the projectors and other in-class technology without the school’s tech-support. Apparently Ph.D. programs don’t have a class on how to turn on a monitor and a pair of speakers.

Why all these inconveniences for the sake of a couple disagreements on one policy? Isn’t this supposed to be a campus of compromise? Isn’t this supposed to be a campus of individual freedom? Apparently not.

You may be thinking, “Well, at least all the top dogs that run Lipscomb will want to come to a decision soon since they will want to get paid.” Well, the jokes on you because top administration salaries (including Lowry’s) are not halted in a school shutdown.

Hopefully, Lowry and the SGA will be able to come to a decision soon for the sake of the school, but the real question is: Do we really want an administration that can just shutdown (with pay) whenever there is disagreement on something like LowryCare? Do we want an SGA and President that have a whiny fight back and forth for days while school employees go without work? That is for the student body to decide.

In case you missed it:

LU Administration=US Government

Lowry=Obama & the Democrat-controlled Senate

SGA= the Republican-controlled House of Representatives

LowryCare=ObamaCare

Concert ticket= health insurance

More sources on the real government shutdown.

A statement was released last week that finally confirmed rumors that the entire Lipscomb student body is dating the workers on the Sodexo staff. Speculation began when workers started using pet names in their interactions with students.

Students have been getting more than they bargained for when they reach out to grab their burrito or chicken sandwich, when, all of the sudden, they lock eyes with the worker behind the counter. Students would likely think nothing of the electric moment, if it weren’t for the sweet little nothings the workers usually then utter to the students. “Here ya go, baby.” “What ‘chu need, hon?” “No we can’t put waffle fries in your burrito, baby, you’ll have to do that yourself.” Not even Shakespeare spoke so eloquently, nor Hemingway so concise.

Students are often caught off guard by the intimate language used by the ladies in Sodexo, however, they seem excited about what their future with the workers might hold. “I haven’t even told my girlfriend I love her yet, and I’m already in the baby-name phase with the ladies that work at Blue Coast,” said one young man. “I’m not sure how this happened, but I’m also not sure I don’t like it. I really think this might actually be something special.” Something special indeed. Students generally have agreed to take it slow, but have high hopes for this blossoming relationship.

Not all students have had such an easy time coming to terms with their new relationship. Some students have just recently come out of rough breakups and others are actually still in relationships with other people. It has been difficult for many of them to be part of a new relationship involving a few thousand people, but students have all agreed they probably just need to work on communication, and perhaps give more backrubs at the end of a rough day. On the other hand, some students are ready to bring their new significant others home to meet the parents. “I got called ‘Suga’ at lunch today, don’t you think it’s about time the Sodexo workers met my parents?” asked one confused-looking girl. "They make me food and call me 'baby', that's what a girlfriend is, right?" argued an engineering student.

When approached, Sodexo workers seem confused at the idea that they are in a relationship with the majority of the students at Lipscomb. This came to much surprise in light of the sweet names they affectionately use when addressing students.  So what’s going on?

Sodexo workers allegedly claim to use these names on everyone. The diction apparently is just how they refer to friends and family as well as the students they serve food. In light of this information, there was immediate jealous outrage from the student body. Additionally, breaking news informed the students that the branch of Sodexo at Belmont refers to students there the same way. One boy was able to respond to this new troubling development through his tears and deep breaths, “I thought I was their only ‘baby’?”

Today was a big day in the office of the president as a team of specialists charged with teaching Lowry the names of students finally had a breakthrough with our Comm(R)and(y)er-in-Chief. Cheering erupted from Lowry’s office at the top of the Belltower when he named three students, paused, thought deep and hard, and uttered the fourth to complete this nearly impossible presidential task. The following cheering and celebration could be heard across campus. A party was thrown in Crisman in which Lowry could be heard humbly thanking members of the administration team for all their hard work. "Thanks Administrator Number 6*! Hey, Administrator Number 17, glad you could make it!"

In the press conference following the momentous occasion, Lowry was quoted as saying, “It’s really a relief that there’s one less student I’ll have to pretend to just barely forgotten the name of when we both know I have no idea what it is at all. It can get old constantly having to pretend I remember any of the names of the thousands of students that attend my school.” Later adding, “Some people say I’m perceived as not being very approachable or personal with students. Well, look at me now! Someone go get that student that’s SGA President, I want to learn his next.”

The four students Lowry knows by name have been hired by Lipscomb to walk past Lowry when he is walking across campus with important-looking people so he can use his new knowledge for the good of the school. They will walk a set route an equal distance apart to give the illusion of randomization, including one student who will stand behind Lowry in the Starbucks line. Just to be safe, they’ll also all wear nametags. The students will be paid with $500 checks Lowry apparently just carries around on his person.**

Be sure to congratulate Randall if you see him today, just don’t expect a personal response. 

*Try Administrator Number 6 Cologne, now available at Macy's

The campus has been a hotbed of excitement this past weekend as pledging finally came to a close. Students who just completed the pledging process are calling their moms to let them know they are not dead and calling all their old friends to let them know they are now too good for them. We here at the office of The Buffalo don’t know what happens at pledging (presumably a release of internalized sexual frustration), however we are very excited to cover a breaking announcement about the future of social clubs at Lipscomb.

Let’s not dance around things here: social clubs are the most elite students on campus. With big shirts that display letters from a language none of them speak and the best friends money can buy, they have the college experience one can only dream of (if the college experience you dream of includes an excess of croakeys, khaki and cornhole). So you can only imagine the buzz around campus brought about by the announcing of the brand new “Pre-Country Club Major” now offered by Lipscomb.

The school is very excited to announce this new major geared toward preparing students in social clubs for their future in paying to be a part of a privileged minority. Classes will include the following: Intro to Exclusivism, Survey of Subtle Racism, History of Condescension, Business and the 1%, Pre-CC Seminar: Using Friendships to Succeed, and many more. Students are excited to finally start studying the things they feel they were born to do.

Administrators decided to add this new academic option after meeting to brainstorm any possible way Social Clubs might prepare students for real life. “We are very excited to be able to provide students with the means to acquire the skills necessary to continue thinking they’re better than everyone else,” said one administrator who definitely exists. “I’m only surprised it’s taken us this long.”

Students will be happy to learn that choosing this major comes with many perks. In order to truly mimic the luxurious country club lifestyle they are preparing for, Pre-CC Majors will be given a golf cart (which naturally comes with a caddie that laughs at all their dumb jokes), a wardrobe full of sweater vests, and a briefcase full of their parents’ achievements. Students in this new exciting major will also officially be given an exclusive area to hangout in. It’s located on the front steps of the student center. ‘Won’t that block students trying to walk in and out the student center?’ you might ask. Yes. The answer is yes. It does.

All the social clubs are excited about the new major with the exception of that trendy new one with the obscure Greek letters you’ve probably never heard of. They opted out of the new major, explaining they’d be too busy riding their bicycles in East Nashville and instagraming their food. However other clubs were very excited about the news. One started yelling nonsensical words and shooting guns in the air, one gave each other high fives before going back to arguing with a ref about a call in an intramural game, one got excited at the possibility of more chances to wear pearls, one planned an all-male sleepover to celebrate, one planned a shopping trip (all 396 of them), one starting screaming stuff while holding up a gnome, two planned a big off-campus party, and the rest also acted in accordance with whatever stereotype they have.

Students were blown away by the groundbreaking (ah-thankyou) news last week that Lipscomb groundskeepers made some holes in the ground. A representative of the department sent an email to THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY to let students know of this incredibly important development on the grounds of the campus. Students were excited to hear the initial news, but disappointed that, after hours of waiting, there still has been no follow-up. How is the aeration going? Are we putting any more holes in the ground soon? Have they planted any new shrubberies? Students have been left on the edge of their seats. 

While waiting for the exciting conclusion, at least students can rest assured they can continue to refresh their email page for lots of exciting new emails from various departments at Lipscomb. Including: information on that Breakout Chapel you'll never go to, parking spots you can't have, inconvenient changes to Sodexho hours, and many more.

But why stop there? Many students are disappointed in the lack of emails they're receiving. "I have so much free time, I need to know more things that don't concern me via email!" one student exclaimed. "How did my professor's son do in his soccer game? Where did that one secretary in that one department get her sweater? These are things we NEED to know!" he added.

The campus was buzzing with excitement on August 27th as the 851st Annual Lipscomb Convocation kicked off the school year. It must be at least that old because I can't think of any other reason someone would use bagpipes as a part of a procession being viewed by thousands of young people. The stage was set, the decorative ferns were placed, and the last of the '09 school year's tuition money was used to prepare President Lowry's hair to its most pristine condition.

Due to campus ministry's alleged partnership with the National Security Agency, Wifi in the Arena was again disabled causing students about three seconds of frustration until they switched over to 3G. The ceremonies began well as students again were reminded who matters the most to the administration based on who got to sit on the floor level of the arena. Much to the frustration of the Pharmacy students who sat with disdain in section 116, the Nursing students came in with a victory and sat on the floor this year. 

The procession, of course, began with the ceremonious drinking of a chalice containing David Lipscomb's hopes and dreams (and tears) followed by various members of the university faculty and staff dressed in robes, presumably because they are wizards, entering the arena. The robes sported different colors, which, of course, represents the amount of years they have avoided social interaction in the noble pursuit of a three letter suffix at the end of their name. After the faculty was seated and the ceremonial fatted calf had been slaughtered, it's blood spread across the podium with the feather of an American Bald Eagle, the speeches began. 

This one lady talked about this one thing and this other guy said something else. BUT THEN, President Lowry elegantly lifted his royal bum from his seat on the stage and approached the podium. He spoke with the beauty of Keats and the charisma of Clinton. He talked of our developing academic programs, of our tradition of excellence, of our impressive faculty members, and of our ranking as one of the top universities in the country in some kind of obscure category. I think it was No.4 Best School for Sustainable Development of Career Choice Program Facilities in the Green Hills area or something like that. The crowd cheered and roared at every well-versed line uttered from the regal mouth of our respected leader.

Perhaps the largest roar echoed from the crowd when Lowry mentioned the creation of six new parking spaces. Unfortunately, the cheering quickly subsided when everyone remembered we have nearly a thousand new students. And just like that, the parking issue at Lipscomb was solved and then created again with one brilliant stroke of the administration's pen.

Nevertheless, Lowry's speech was as meaningful as it was beautiful. Students laughed, they cried, they played Angry Birds, they checked twitter, they used IMDB to see if Forest Whitaker was indeed in the film "Phonebooth" (he is), they posted a picture of their lunch on instagram, they checked their email, they forwarded a picture of a kitten in a laundry basket to their aunt, all while hanging on to Lowry's every heartbeaking, earth-shattering word.

The end of the ceremony came in the form of the classic Lipscomb tradition: the Releasing of the Mouse. In case you were unaware of this age-old tradition, every year a mouse is launched into the Lipscomb crowd and trampled under the feet of frightened students in order to remind the student body of how chaotic and terrifying life would be without college to instill order and direction. The mouse of course went on to start a social networking site that made billions each year in revenue, but he still doesn't have a degree so he can't...like...be an alumnus and...have tons of student debt...and stuff. What a wonderful tradition to remind us how much we need school.

And other than the annual Freshman sacrifice, that's all she wrote folks. Another year, another convocation under Lipscomb's tightly notched belt. And what better way to end a post on convocation than President Lowry's words at the end of the ceremony?