How about I pound you like a boy?

the human brain is so cool, if you're tired and stressed enough, your brain will go, "don't worry, I got you" and shadows will start moving

and what's the genital situation on the shadows

oh this is my post

Going outside with wet hair from showering is humiliating because everyone sees you and thinks stuff like "eww gross here comes the wet girl". But going outside with wet hair when it's raining? Unambiguous boon because now everyone is thinking stuff like "wow, she's so topical" and "her hair is a scathing critique of the times we live in"

in the club begging strangers for forgiveness and proving incapable of articulating what for when asked

the best part about having a job is being able to go through doors other people aren’t allowed to use the worst part is everything else

scientists are trying to discover something harder than getting out of bed to go to work in the morning. and dont make a fucking penis joke ok they already checked everyone’s dick and it doesn’t even come close

i think snakes are the only bitches that understand how food should work. a grand meal once every month or so is all anyone needs

sometimes that bob was all shiv had

Sex is great but have you considered hitting me as hard as you can

whenever I tell a story I feel like Uncle Colm from Derry Girls

I bet it would feel really nice to be a piece of foam board being cut with hot wire

Car problems are great bc I can finally get that disgusting $600 that I hated out of my bank account

I enjoy experiencing surgery for the same reason I enjoy plane travel: I am not responsible for anything. As soon as I have stepped in and professionals have taken charge, I am in the hands of fate and my fate is in their hands. I have become cargo, the doer of jack shit. I am getting a good grade at being a faultless meat slab, something that is both normal to want, and possible to achieve.

a guy shoots at me with a sniper rifle and I catch the bullet in my teeth and eat it, but he saw that coming and put poison in the bullet, but I saw that coming and drank an antidote ahead of time, but all those weird chemicals still give me a really bad kidney stone a few days later and I pass out from pain and crash my car into, by pure coincidence, the sniper

isn't it kind of crazy that for any moving vehicle you need to wear a seatbelt but then on buses they're just like fuck it stand up whatever