No Shits Were Given

Please. Help. Me.

(No owls were hurt in the course of this banding)

Northern Saw-whet owl (Aegolius acadicus)

Oct. 23, 2018

We were incompatible and it just turned into something that was exhausting my spirit in almost every way. It was draining to be with someone that I cared about who didn’t care about the relationship as much.

Also I’m kind of convinced the person I am with currently is the reason no one else did or will work out… so there’s that

1. Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,”are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

2. Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

3.  Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. 

If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

4. Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. 

The words he or she wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

5. Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. 

Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. 

Or: How not to be a dick.

So this is yet another season in our marriage where there’s a crisis going on. Or at least there’s a crisis for my wife.

The current crisis has nothing to do with our marriage—at least as far as she’s concerned—although many of the past ones have in some way or another. This time around, I actually have literally nothing to do with the crisis.

But… it means I’m waiting. Again.

Waiting for her to be able to have the emotional bandwidth to think about our relationship again. To think about sex without it pressuring her too much. To think about giving affection. To think about giving… in almost any way other than the day-to-day practical stuff she handles in our marriage and household.

And that means that I’m starving for affection. Yes, I’m starved for sexual contact as well, but any kind of emotional or physical intimacy would be nice. I get hugs, because she knows how much I thrive on physical contact.

But it’s one thing to get a hug from someone who knows you need one, and another thing entirely to get a hug from someone who wants to hug you. A hug with real warmth. A hug that means something. A hug with intimacy.

And let’s not even talking about kissing. I can’t remember when she kissed me like she meant it.

Sometimes she’ll kiss me during sex. But note the “sometimes” and the “during sex.” The latter happens so infrequently that it makes the former nearly meaningless.

And so, I try to be a good partner. I listen as she talks about the emotional issues. I bring flowers. I try to do things that say “I love you” in her love language (acts of service).