The Trans Positivity Café

This is a blog for positivity, reassurance, and encouragement for the transgender and non-binary community. My aim is to share love and support for my community in a space dedicated to that purpose, that is free of other content. I hope you enjoy your time on the blog as much as I love writing for it. 

If you have a request, suggestion, or comment please do drop us an ask and we will be happy to help you. 

Sincerely, Moderator Sylvester (they/them)

Thank you so much for your patience as we’ve taken this prolonged hiatus. I’m so pleased to announce that after a busy time of collecting ideas and starting new jobs we are ready to start posting again. Mod Dahlia and I look forward to bringing your fresh content soon. 

Love, Mod Syl

Hello there - we’ve decided to go ahead and answer this, however, we should point out that the following represents our mods opinions based on their experiences as transgender people. It is by no means professional advice and we urge anon to seek out advice from a councillor, gender dysphoria specialist, or other mental health professional if they are able to do so. We feel this is a very important step before making any big personal decisions about your gender identity and presentation.

That being said, it is very normal to feel unsure about being transgender. Many people come out later in life, and this is often due to uncertainty as much as stigma. Even people who are trans and are very sure of their identity (like us) ask themselves questions and feel uncertain from time to time.

We feel the decision to identify with any label, whether that’s transgender, cisgender, or neither, is a very personal one. If you feel more comfortable describing yourself as cis, or trans, or something else we encourage you to do so; at the end of the day this is about your wellbeing and your relationship with yourself. You need to do what’s best for you on this one.

We’re so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling, and from the sound of things, have had trouble sharing that with others. No one deserves to suffer alone, and if it helps at all, we can assure you that a great many people would relate to your story.

There’s no rush to come out, and we’d like to stress that your first priority should be your own safety. If you don’t feel comfortable and safe coming out now, it is best to wait until you do. You might try building up in small steps: telling us about it was a great start. Speaking about it online when you’re sure it wont get back to your family will very likely improve your confidence, and even help a few likeminded people.

It will take time and consolidation to be 100% sure of this, but it does turn out you would be happier as a male, we want to assure you that you can be a boy. There is no such thing as too late to transition, so don’t put pressure on yourself to have all the answers right now. Your job right now is to allow yourself the mindset of “anything is possible, so what do I actually want?”

You seem quite overwhelmed, and to honest that is normal. However, something that can help with this is simplifying your experience down into what the next thing you need to do is. In your case this might just be figuring yourself out. Now you have a goal, you need to identify what steps you need to take to achieve it. For this goal, the steps might be:

talk to transgender people and gender non-conforming people about their experiences

seek out resources on gender identity and therapy (we recommend this book, as a starting point)

put time aside for honest and compassionate self-reflection, perhaps with a journal or art, anything that helps.

we hope you are well, anon, and well done for talking about your experience to us. That was a brave move. We’d also like to encourage our community to show anon some love in the comments.

Our collage is based off Naomi’s personal self-description and some of her interests. She is a blonde, young intellectual who likes plants, books, piano and spending time with her friends. Based on her personality we’ve imagined her as a social, light-haired academic who has a warm toned, soft and slightly romantic personal style. 

Here are Naomi’s personal goals, and our suggestions for each: 

To step out of the apartment feeling confident and beautiful 

Confidence in ourselves is something which develops over time, and is not a linear path. Do not therefore put pressure on yourself to  feel more confident all the time. Small steps are a really good idea, for example heading out with a small accessory that you love and makes you feel cute, then building up from there. 

Remember that you are an intelligent, beautiful worthwhile young woman and we certainly all think so. 

To have loving and supportive friendships where her friends see and accept her gender identity 

A good friend will always support your goals, and love you through thick and thin. It’s okay to assert your boundaries to your friends, and ask they respect them just as you would respect theirs. This could include a name, or pronouns, or other ways in which you are referred to

It can be nerve wracking to open up to friends about our journeys in gender, and there are lots of things to consider. As long as you feel safe, however, we would encourage you to. Communicating with your friends and being honest with them about what you need is the best way to preserve those friendships in the long term

To do all the things she loves - reading, playing piano and gardening - as the fullest form of herself.

You are, of course, already Naomi and in practicing each of your lovely past times, you are Naomi in action. You have always been and will continue to be exactly who you are. We really encourage you to have fun, and enjoy being yourself, and doing what you love consciously

In achieving your goals, and becoming the best version of yourself, looking forward to living your life as that version is very positive and we’re very happy for you. Making a list of your goals and forming a plan of how and when you want to reach them will help you feel more on track. 

We are so very happy you’ve decided to be here, and are looking forward to writing more posts for you very soon. 

We’d also like to indicate our menu ask game to our new members! The concept is that you pick an item from the menu, and then order it through our ask box. Anonymous asks are welcome, and you can make any specification to your order that you’d like. 

Thank you again, and have a wonderful day

Mod Dahlia 

Hello anon, what an interesting question. Both our mods decided they’d like to put into this one:

Sylvester: I think gender is both a complex social exchange, and an internal state of self. My own experience is as a gender fluid person, and I have always felt that my gender is a part of who I am, as much as the colour of my eyes for. So I prefer to say I am gender fluid, rather than I identify as gender fluid. No disrespect to those who say “I identify,” I think that’s a personal preference. I move between three rough states of thinking of myself, male, female, and agender. My self image changes each time I ‘shift’ between one and another.

It gives me hope 

It fits me perfectly 

It shows other nonbinary people that they are not alone

It shows the non-believing that queer gender can and will exist

It gives me the freedom to be myself 

It gives me the vocabulary to explain my experience to others

It allows me to access support specifically helpful to me

It introduced me to a chosen family

But it is also a quiet exhale, and the belief that tomorrow will be better. It is the deciding to keep going. It is accepting help. It is choosing independence in the face of adversity. It is a million quiet, invisible struggles that are fought and conquered everyday.