daydreamer

Don't be rude, say hello! He brought the colors back just for you!

Unfortunately TW: SH mention, drug mention, Sxcide mention, probably more

I just moved to a new town and don't know ANYONE but my very introverted older sibling. I'm really struggling with feeling unworthy of new friends and hopefully a girlfriend. I know I'm a good person, but I'm a gf who comes with severe mental issues that include voice hearing and a lifetime of SH scars. Also no money and college dropout. I know that finding community will help, especially since I'm genuinely extroverted. I've been biking around town just going places and trying to meet people and it finally paid off. A college girl working at spencers was really interested in me so we talked and there was chemistry. I actually got her number, although she's 19 so too young for me. But still, I must have made a friend at least.

I feel like I should be excited, but to be honest it's just making my head so loud. The last girl I fell in love with I still talk to as friends, but she OD'd in my arms and tbh just never recovered from all that. she also after that stole pills from me so the trust issues stacked up. I also just barely healed from the 4 long years i spent with an abusive boyfriend who denied that i was gay and hit me and all that. Doesn't take a therapist to guess my relationship with my parents is g r e a t /s. I just don't have a base even for what normal dating should be, let alone the shadow art that is lesbian dating. normal love even. platonic, romantic, familiar, sexual, agape.

I'm trying to stop deriving "pleasure" dark places like restrictive eating, SH, and comphet sex. This has been really helping me get to the point I'm at where I at least feel worthy enough to try finding genuine pleasure. I'm a crying wreck though when I don't have those negative pillars, so that tanks my confidence again. I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions about this whole thing.

I know I'm smart and I can find someone that won't hurt me, it's just. so. scary. like reaching out into void and trusting all the people saying "none of that was love, you deserved better". Like how do I know you're not just luring me into another worse because so far that's all there has been. that sounds dumb and childish, but really i just wonder how to trust those with pure intentions for me.

I just want to feel like I can own my sexuality and make budding romances with women that make me feel seen and fulfilled. The hard part is that the closer I get the more I feel like I'm making a mistake by trying to go out and find people to bring close to me. Am I right to hold back due to my mental health as to not cause myself and others more pain? Or, am I right to try to find love despite my overwhelming and often disgusting flaws? I really don't know. I'm not sure I could survive one more person I love using me.

The risks of love have never paid of for me, but I'm a femme 4 femme taurus who just can't seem to give up on my dream of romance. I want to shed all this bullshit weighing me down and live my barbie princess and the pauper but gay fantasy.

girl blogging/my 20's/my femme fatal era is taking a shot of vodka, ripping a wax pen, smearing bl00d from sH on shower walls, and singing florence + the machine as quiet/loud as possible in my shitty lil desert americana apartment.

pining for a skater girl I've been saying "i love u" with n "datin' for years. mfw she still fucks the ho ex-boyfriend who cheats on her-

.thinkin reeeeal hard about crying at the end of it all.

i just feel so much more loved when i see my shower walls covered in my own sloppy harvested blood.