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A small thing blew up into suicidal ideation last night - that’s PTSD. It makes you feel incredibly pathetic and weak. And sick. I thought the suicidal thoughts were over. The last time I had them was over two months ago when I missed a dosage of my meds. And for a year and a half before that, I struggled with chronic intent. Suicidal ideation that does go away, and instead gets more calculative and planned out.

But I got through the night safely and learned a couple of things while spending the evening talking to one of my mentors. I want to share some of them with you.

Feeling suicidal again doesn’t mean I’m just as sick as I was five months ago. Because I didn’t steer the car off the road. Because I called a friend. Because I made sure to not be alone.

I have been holding onto the story of my mental illness for unnecessarily long. I’m no longer “sick Ji Youn,” or even “healing Ji Youn.” I’m me. I’m Ji Youn.

I can still empathize with folks with mental health challenges without holding onto my past. I’ve been holding onto my mental illness because I didn’t want to abandon them. But healing is not abandoning. Healing is hope.

I seem to believe at the very core of me that I am inadequate. I am not inadequate. I am fully capable. In fact, I’ve been doing it all along.

I need to move on from wanting validation from friends and family. They will never validate me the way I want them to. I must believe in myself. With that said, I must learn to be okay with myself. Just okay. Because I am no special hero.

Entrepreneurship is doubting yourself, taking huge risks, diving into uncertainty and facing your fears. Feeling imposter syndrome means you’re doing something right.

I've been asking my friends at UBC for the past month, "How are you doing?" and a lot of them would say "I'm okay."

What do you mean by "okay"? I’d ask. Are you content? Are you tired? Exhausted? Deteriorating?

Most of them would admit that their physical and mental health were deteriorating. They were breaking down and trudging through the rest of the semester. And I know for a fact that it’s not just my few friends. Our generation use memes to joke about academic-related mental breakdowns on social media and I see them everywhere.

But let’s be real here.

You’re not doing “okay”. And it doesn’t make it alright that everyone else around you are also breaking down crying because of school. Why are we accepting mental breakdowns and burnout as the norm? WHY?

Societal pressures. The glorification of overworking. Conformity. Family. Competition.

Are these things really worth sacrificing your mental health and wellbeing? Your relationships? Your self-love? Take time to think about it.

I encourage you to:

Re-evaluate this past semester’s workload and commitments. Are you satisfied with your academic workload and other involvements? Did you take on too much or do you want to get more involved?

Reflect on your health & wellness and sense of purpose. What is your why? Do you feel fulfilled and content? How are your physical, emotional and mental health?

Redefine your version of “success”. When you look back at your life when you’re 80 years old, what do you want to have achieved?

Plan for next semester’s attitudes, commitments, and workload. What does next semester mean in relation to your career goals or post-graduation? What choices can you make for the next semester that will allow you to thrive into post-graduation?

Growing up, I needed a night light in my bedroom to fall asleep. I was afraid of the dark, or rather, I was afraid of what I couldn't see - the unknown. Now I'm 21 and I don't even know what my life is going to be like in two months.

My life has been full of surprises in the past two years. Dropping out of a semester, going to Asia for three months, transferring faculties, dropping out of school. And then The Tipping Point sort of... happened to me. When I shared my story, thousands of people responded. And now I am a founder of an advocacy movement at UBC; I represent a community of over 1600 people who believe in better mental health support in academia.

I'm a risk-taker. I can't even say that they're all highly-calculated risks. I'm impulsive and enjoy jumping into things. So when I discovered that I could turn The Tipping Point into something bigger - a social enterprise - I didn't look back and dove in. They say that the first step is the hardest and the most important. I do agree, but the following steps aren't so easy either. I want to create an alternative for the traditional post-secondary education system - for my fellow lost millennials who aren't compatible with university, whether it's due to different learning styles, or because formal education is not necessarily required for their career goals. But I don't know anything about business or education or personal development. I'm in communication with UBC's student senators for the advocacy aspect of The Tipping Point, but I don't know anything about advocacy or politics. The uncertainty of my future and my work terrifies me. I break down crying on a biweekly basis and self-doubt pokes at my shoulder every day.

Our fear of uncertainty digs deeper. Really, we're afraid of failure. I'm afraid of taking the wrong steps and making the wrong decisions, resulting in disappointing people or wasting my time and energy. I constantly doubt myself. Who am I to take on this challenge? Who am I to start my own enterprise? To challenge the century-old education institution?

But if not me, who else?

Michelle Poler, the founder of Hello Fears, encourages us to think of our fears as opportunities, instead of obstacles. Instead of thinking "what is the worst that could happen," she suggests we ask ourselves, "what's the best that could happen?" Having gone through my lived experience of mental health challenges in academia, and knowing the stories of over 40 former UBC students who were also forced out of the institution for similar reasons, I need to try.

TW: Suicide

Last Saturday, I was sitting in a cafe, waiting for a friend, when a group of police officers walked in. One of them looked oddly familiar, and I just stared at her. She noticed. “Excuse me, sorry to interupt. I’m sure you’ve dealt with a lot of suicide attempts but I think I recognize you from one of mine.” She asked me if I was the one on the Lion’s Gate Bridge. I said yes.

I walked over and sat next to her. I asked for a hug. I thanked her for that summer night, and told her that I’m doing really well now. That I started a mental health advocacy movement at UBC. My eyes started tearing. She expressed her joy of the news, and told me that she also felt bad leaving the hospital that night, because she knew that I really didn’t want to be there.

I went to my first counselling session in 2 months later that day and I cried. My last and fifth suicide attempt was only 4 months ago and it was the closest that I had come to succeeding. I sat on the ledge of the fence on the Lions Gate Bridge with my legs dangling off the edge. And I debated, sobbing. There was a 50/50 chance of jumping off. Until a police officer bear-hugged me from behind without my notice which led to the worst night of my life - but that’s for another time.

I struggled with suicidal ideation for over a year. It’s called chronic intent. My attempts became more calculative, and closer to success. But it’s been 4 months since my last one, and wow. Look how far we’ve come.

During counseling, I realized that the worst part of this roller coaster ride is over. The past 2 years have been hell. I’ve been struggling to survive with a mind that wants me to kill myself. And I’ve been struggling to not listen to those thoughts while the rest of society told me that I was a failure: for dropping out of school, for getting fired from jobs, for moving back with my parents, for having people walk away from my life because they couldn’t handle my illness.

I finally showed the world a glimpse of my work from the past months.

And the world responded. The Tipping Point Facebook page received over 1000 likes in the first 4 days.

It’s only been two weeks since my breakdown (I had another one since then) and so many things have happened since then. My life has been one big rollercoaster ride for the past two years since my first suicide attempt and it’s not stopping anytime soon.

Updates:

I sent my letter of recommendations to Santa Ono and Louise Cowin.

Santa replied to my tweets that he saw it and that I will be receiving a response.

My SLC application got rejected. But that’s okay.

I spoke on The Gallery Show (CiTR’s new podcast) as a panel member about mental health in university.

I am now a part of the Canadian Mental Health Association BC Division’s Healthy Minds | Healthy Campuses community as a member of the Provincial Leadership Council of the Student Network.

I’m hosting my first public TTP event at Lupii Cafe on the 29th.

UBC Spotlight will be helping me start up my Youtube channel. We’re going to make a video to raise awareness on mental illness in academia as well.

I’ve started forming a core team for The Tipping Point with set roles and responsibilities.

I have an interview with the Ubyssey next week.

The UBC fyi newsletter will be sharing my story soon.

I’ve received my first opposition and doubts by a few UBC students.

Many more students have also reached out with their stories, wanting to get involved.

I’m in a rush to get the website up with my research and intentions.

A lot of things have been happening. I still doubt myself every day, but I keep going anyway. Though this morning, I realized that for the past several months, I haven’t had a proper break. Every day, I’m either not functioning, or if I am, I’m working on this project. I can feel myself heading towards burnout. Many people have been seeking me for consolation and advice. And I want to be there for these people because I genuinely understand the struggle. But I also need to take care of myself. I can only continue this project if I’m alive and functioning to do so.

I would like to thank the UBC community for the support thus far, and please continue to do so. Creating change in an institution takes effort and I can’t do it on my own. Thank you.

For daily updates:

instagram @gannekim

I broke down on my bedroom floor last night - wishing that I was just in school, just like everyone else.

Instead, I am starting my own advocacy project that involves pushing for systematic change in an educational institution, and helping other dropouts fight shame in hopes to create community. I didn’t plan for this to happen. Six months ago, I had no idea that my college dropout confession would lead to this. But here I am, doing it all. By myself.

I chose to do this, yes. And I still choose to do it. But is it really a choice, when you know how much it hurts, and your actions could prevent it from happening to more people? For someone who wants to dedicate her life to advocacy, not really.

In the past few days, I have been paralyzed with anxiety about my current life and future. My project requires me to think about questions like: how does one fight shame? how does one build community amongst people who are paralyzed in shame? how does an average college dropout influence some of the most powerful people in an institution? how does an average college dropout educate herself on all the policies and government structures to influence these people? how does one dedicate her life to advocacy but still maintain a living? without a degree? starting her own movement?

The overwhelming workload of trying to find the answers to these questions by myself has been paralyzing.

I am so lost. Literally all of the research I have been doing is through meeting people. Gathering bits and pieces of information to try and put it all together.

I have no idea what my life is going to look like in 2 weeks, or 2 months, or 2 years. I have no idea where this project is going to go, or where it will take me. And I have to figure it out on my own. It is terrifying.

At least I know I’m lost. At least I’m trying to do something about it. I could mope about how my mental illness has ruined so many parts of my life, but I have to keep going anyway. I have to do best with the lemons that life has given me.