the ugliest effing skirt you’ve ever seen

i heard my nephew got enslaved by cave bugs

wait to post about this until you’ve confirmed it

sorry

it's actually so crazy how much the simpsons would fucking suck if it didn't have any of the simpsons characters. just a bunch of shots of empty houses and streets for half an hour while nothing happens. that would be so badddd lol

Everyone say thank you sanitation workers we owe you our lives sanitation workers

playground insults in 2030: dude your dad looks like ai generated gay porn

and on the pedestal these words appear: "i am Ozymandias, King of Kings. look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair." nothing beside remains.

Interviews with hockey players are fantastic, because it is a complex game that can be spoken about at length, but during the intermission they'll find the Wettest player imaginable on the losing team and for thirty seconds they'll ask them things like "what do you need to do to get more pucks in the net?" And the player (panting, haunted behind the eyes) says something like "well, we've got to get them in there"

life is better when you're not malnourished btw

[In a room where it's all quiet]: Wow it's like a western front in here

As a transsexual woman 👩 who has had multiple experiences ‼️ I have found 🔎 that the biggest block of cheese 🧀 is usually the one ☝️ that has the largest size 📈

They say ooooh be a good boy for daddy and you'll get a reward. But then the reward is just gay sex. This is bullshit. I wanted a skateboard

Then they say if you're a bad boy daddy will punish you. But what's the punishment? More gay sex! You can't escape it. This whole damn place is in the pocket of Big Sex

Times are hard at the cafe so they only got Something bagels

Pretty much anything can be ethically justifiable if youre good at ethically justifying things. Useful skill to develop before the killing starts. Not much time to learn it after, on account of the whole slaughter thing. Time-consuming stuff. Takes focus. But yeah, if you're looking into the future and all you see is an ocean of fresh crimson encircling the globe, severed limbs forever choking out our hypersalivating best-and-brightest, and groves of seedling landmines repotted into shell craters, and you're a morally-minded individual, don't want to feel too bad about it, want to feel righteous? It's a handy thing to know how to do. Good ROI there.

my sister’s bf referred to eating cheese as “mousing out” and i’m so utterly charmed by that. can we all agree to adopt that into language.

Buy her a bahn mi and fuck her in it