thebrokenace

ok i was looking through my reference pins and though of what's obvious

the reference in question:

As much as I do buy his sentiment that "the world needs to be fixed", one must also recognize that, just like L, his motivation isn't just to do what's right, but to harvest intellectual stimulation and alleviate his general boredom by taking on this holier-than-thou task to reap a superior reward that down-to-earth undertakings could never provide.

We do see, however, how an absolute air of mundane monotony and tedium has surrounded him after the timeskip; after L's passing. It cannot be what he wished for when he began using the death note and it's a far cry from the excitement and the challenge that filled his everyday life when L was with him. It gives me the impression that L inspires Light to act in exceptionally vigorous ways that cause him to take on baggage without further consideration for the future (a future where there is no L to make this baggage an exciting challenge, that is, tolerable any longer). Take, for example, the first time Light ever learns about L and writes Lind L. Tailor's name in the death note without even considering that it might be a trap. L just knows what buttons to push. Even though Mello & Near relight that spark a little bit, you can see the annoyances and encumbrances that have accumulated up until that point absolutely interfering with the little excitement L's relics bring him. The point this sticks out especially well and the main reason I don't think Light would've lasted long without L (as in several years) would be when Light finally snaps and yells at Misa to shut up after losing the death note to Mello. In a world without L, he would have still chosen to keep close watch of Misa, and while his life trajectory might've been closer to what Mikami enjoyed with the death note, it would not have been even half as fun after years of doing the same shtick, basically unchallenged by anyone and having no truly riveting presence to make the burdens worth it.

This arrangement continues into adulthood. Watari tends to L's basic needs, but they are ultimately business partners. Not parent and child. Surely.

Its only almost 20 years later, when things are going to shit, that Watari at all is realizing, for the first time, maybe much too late, that, oh my God. ohh no. thats my baby

In the anime he calls him out a bit more sternly, but he still seems to do what he thinks is right even if it means interrupting Ls "test"

Also i love Ls response loll

To begin, the fact that L could never choose between Mello – someone inherently passionate and unpredictable – and Near, whom Wammy's House efficiently groomed to be absolutely calm and objective about everything, instead half unseriously suggesting the person who is an almost perfect mirror of him, Light, to succeed him instead, is the most telling indicator for the existence of this conflict to me.

Mello and Near are L's personality split into the factors of his inner conflict and personified. Near is the half that is most efficient as a detective, which is why, in the eyes of Wammy's as an institution that makes profit off of L's detective work, he is their magnum opus. Near is the one who caught Kira after Mello (L's emotionality) literally sacraficed himself to help him acheive it. Near is the perfect detective, but Near is not L. In fact, without Mello in his life, we see from the Oneshot Special that Near deteriorates significantly. We see L derive great pleasure from doing detective work (only doing cases he's "interested in" and visibly loving his feud with Kira), which Near clearly lacks unless Mello (or Light, who still carries L's exact emotional composition in him that Near can feed off of) is involved.

The sole fact that Near would by Mello's self-admittance be considered a better successor to L by what Wammy's House taught him about who L is supposed to be (remember, in L's eyes they were of equal worth. He could not decide between them) it could be assumed that the same standards that bothered Mello (L's emotional side) were resting upon L himself.

Some may argue the panel where L shakes after Aizawa shouts at him over his cold reaction to Ukita's death was that L had an issue with Aizawa putting his hands on him, but I would argue that L is someone who genuinely cares about and values human lives (which, despite his physical distance to cases he works on, is something he's learned through his work after constant contact with extremely personal matters of some cases and getting close to the people involved like Naomi Misora, as well as having to empathize or at least sympathize well with the subjects of his cases to predict their next moves or figure out the causes of things that have already transpired) (it is also the entire plot point of L Change The World might I add) and that he did his best to stay logical as was required of him, but his sorrow and fear over the revelations taking place around him in that moment simply overwhelmed him as to where he could not push them away fully.

"I understand your feelings, but please control yourself right now." Control himself like he is trying to, hence he does understand? I feel like the phrasing here could be quite the projection of what's happening in L's head at that moment.

実際 何度死ぬかと思ったか… honestly, how many times have i thought i was going to die…?

If he was really into them then probably yes, but he would REALLY not want to show it, I think? I feel one of the things he'd be proudest about is displaying jealousy and possessiveness, as in he'd be really reluctant to seem desperate or needy or obvious about that. You'd have to know him well and read between the lines of what he's saying and doing to pick up on it. I could see him acting a lot like he does whenever Light's got his memories back and the two of them are going back and forth over whether or not Light is genuinely interested in Misa or free to come and go whenever he wants or whatever... L is TRYING very hard to seem nonchalant, but it isn't working very well, and he's also grilling Light like crazy in a very non-casual manner as well, ahahaha

I could also see L being very passive-aggressive about something that bothered him and actually telling the person to please carry on with whatever the behaviour was that was making him feel jealous, sort of like this:

But it's my headcanon that he doesn't even really know exactly how much money he has. He doesn't care. Watari handles all the finances and purchases. L just focuses on solving cases and eating sweets.