We'll see the other side

For the second time in my life, I will be undergoing surgery.

For the first time in my life, it’s due to something that happened to me that I could’ve actually had control over.

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I underwent surgery back in 2015, when I was still 19 due to some mammary fibroadenomas; that’s a routinary annual check-up for me now, and I remember I wasn’t even nervous or scared about the surgery.

Now I will have a foot surgery. I don’t know if it’s a thing that comes wih age, but... I do feel a little nervous. Not because I feel like something’s gonna go wrong or because I’m scared, because I’m not. But the thoughtof having a foreign body inside my body forever now actually drills through my brain a little although I know it’ll be there to help with my activities.

It is also weird that I’m having a surgery now because it’s the first time that I’ll be in a cast right after it happens.

I know everything’s going to be alright, I trust that I’ll be fine, but it’s a little scary to do new things as you get older I guess. I’ve always thought of myself as brave and adventurous, but it’s not like I’ve actually been out in the world being daring, audacious and such... I guess it’s just been an unquiet heart with a settled lifestyle.

I live a pretty steady life. Or so I think. I guess it’s my randomness and spontaneity that makes life fun for me within the routine and steadiness.

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I feel like I miss being young. I kinda miss being young (?). Don’t get me wrong, my life’s been pretty fun and it’s been mostly what I’ve wanted to do within what was doable. I am married to a wonderful man that I’ve loved for over a decade, I have a mostly complete family, my grandparents are young and I’ve been spoiled and loved by them. I’ve had such great friends to accompany me through life. But sometimes I think about my best friends and where they are, and what they might be doing, and it feels a little as if I settled for what I wanted EVEN IF it’s always been what I wanted, but idk... it’s weird. Also, how did I end up with an existential crisis when I started writing about my surgery?

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