#zen angst

I've had this FanLore for Zen strewing in my brain for a little over a year and finally decided to write it out into a one shot!

Enjoy!

What does it mean to experience first love? 

Zen wondered as he watched you doze off beside him to the sound of a movie you both had forgotten about halfway through. He smiled to himself softly, gently brushing away a strand of hair that had fallen over your face, planting a tender kiss on the top of your head. The comforting gesture caused you to snuggle further into his side, cozy and loved. Treasured and wanted.

Zen often thought about the meaning of first love when he was with you. He always felt a pang of guilt over dating other girls before you, even if you weren't bothered by it. He knew you were his yesterday, today, and tomorrow--his dusk and dawn. His moon and stars--leaving him with the fact that you weren't his first, which felt wrong in every way imaginable. So there he sat wondering, and really pondering, what it meant to experience first love. Had he experienced it before? If so, that idea devastated him, leaving his heart aching, poking, splintering, and desperately wanting your comforting. Hoping all his wondering meant nothing. 

He snuggled in close, soaking in your warmth, soothing his self-inflicted wounds, nuzzling your hair, blinking back the sting of tears.

Slowly he doze off to the sound of your steady breathing, calming his anxiety. Slowly learning to bask in the simple pleasures of a quiet evening. 

His breathing steadied, finding rhythm with your own, and in complete unison, your chests rose and fell. 

He found his peace in his small basement apartment.

But absolutely and entirely, he found his peace here with you.

And in his slumber, there came a dream. Or, more accurately, a nearly forgotten memory.

Zen was younger here, much younger than you knew him now. His hair barely reached past his shoulders, fashioned into something of a mullet. His leather jacket just a size too big, but in a year's time, it would fit him perfectly. And he stood in a place filled with familiarity. His secret mountain hideout. The view was the same as it had always been, and somehow, that comforted the young boy, here now, and the man he would come to be. 

The cold evening air nipped at his cheeks and nose, a gentle breeze passing through his hair with the faint smell of cigarette smoke. Following the scent with his eyes and nose, he found a scene this young boy very well knew but was far from the scene his adult counterpart adored. There stood a girl who simply wasn't you.

Ji-an, a younger, much more boyish Hyun, recognized with an air of giddiness coating his thoughts, and in like manner, she was viewed with rose-tinted glasses. 

He admired her long black hair as it gently swayed in the passing breeze, her sharp and unusually dark eyes staring down at the view he found so much comfort in, reflecting nothing of the setting sun or the city lights flickering on one at a time. And her lips turned in a slight frown with a lit cigarette in hand. Ji-an was a girl made entirely of mysterious beauty, and for a long time, Hyun might've considered her the most beautiful girl he'd ever met. She was in the same gang as Zen, that's how they had met. She was older than him, but only slightly, maybe sixteen or seventeen. She was a force to be reconned with, a calm before a storm. Freedom and rebellion. Anger and desperation. Loneliness and devastation. But other than that, she was a total mystery. Hyun never knew more about her than she let him see, and maybe that was part of why he clung to her so helplessly. Or maybe it was because he envied her and how free she seemed to be. Maybe he wanted to live reckless abandoned where he was allowed to be who he wanted to be, the way Ji-an seemed to. Or maybe it was because bad habits always seemed more attractive than good ones at the start.

Ji-an sucked on her cigarette, holding the smoke in her throat until it burned. 

“You know,” she began as she turned to look at Hyun, “I think if we had met before everything hit the fan, I would’ve fallen in love with you for real.”

Hyun watched and admired the rugged elegance she exuded. Marvalling, despite how her words cut him deeply. His heart secretly wondering--when will anyone ever truly love me?

“For one thing, you’re a real looker,” she leaned in and kissed Hyun's lips softly, leaving the faintest taste of cigarette smoke and strawberry lip balm on the tip of his tongue. 

Is that all I'll ever be? A pretty face barely worth loving? Another secret wonder he wouldn't discover until much later.

“You’re not so bad of a guy either,” she reached out, with her free hand and gently played with the fringe that hung over his forehead. “If I wasn’t so damaged, I’d probably be able to appreciate that heart of yours,” she poked his chest playfully and with a tone of self-mockery, sucking another puff of cigarette tar into her lungs. 

“But instead, here I am, giving you cigarettes, beer, and bad memories,” she scoffed. 

Hyun took a step closer to Ji-an, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with her. He peered into her face, hoping to read the meaning in her words by seeing her expression more clearly, but there was nothing he could see. Her eyes continued to stare dispassionately at the scenic view, and not for a moment did she meet his searching gaze, nor did she acknowledge his presence at her side. Instead, her brow furrowed, and irritation fizzled in her vacant eyes.

"We shouldn't have met," she said, tossing her cigarette onto the ground and stomping it out under her boots. 

Hyun felt his heart drop.

Ji-an turned on her heels and walked towards her motorcycle.

"W.. wait! Ji-an, where are you going?" He called.

There was no answer except the loud roar of a motorcycle engine starting.

"Ji-an!"

She paused, looking towards Hyun, with more emotion in her eyes than Hyun had ever seen before, "Get out of here. Become something." 

And that was it. 

She rode off, the rumbling of her motorcycle fading the farther she got. And Hyun could only watch, confused, lost, and entirely too alone for a boy his age.

Zen jolted awake, beads of cold sweat running down his back and his heart dropping into his stomach, leaving his chest feeling hollow and unbearably lonely until he heard you.

"Hyun?" you said, coming back into the living room with a glass of water, "Are you okay?"

He looked at you, and the frenzy in his eyes became calm. A deep breath entered his lungs, and it was exhaled smoothly.

And that's when his wondering all made sense. 

Zen realized it then as his hysteria calmed at the mere sight of you. He knew then that perhaps in all possibility, before you came and before he had forgotten what life was like in your absence, he would've considered Ji-an his first love experience. And in some way, maybe she was. Maybe she was his first love, but that thought didn't seem to bother him so much anymore. Because maybe love was more about changing than firsts and lasts. 

(Although, admittedly, he was perfectly enchanted by the idea that you would be his last. You would hold all his ending chapters, and perhaps, that was far more important than keeping all his opening phrases.)

Ji-an encouraged his flaws but neglected his strengths. He knew now that they were bad for each other, beasts ravenously hungry for love and acceptance. In love with their shared self-pity. Wanting each other because of the addictive nature of cigarettes, loving the nicotine clinging to their clothes and mingling in their mouths. Loving the faint taste of strawberries after every kiss that made the bitter taste of tobacco seem pleasant and sweet. But even still, she inspired his drive for freedom.

And you? You came and captivated him.

You nurtured his strengths and loved his flaws, and for that, he loved you, but as his feelings began to grow, he wanted to be better for you. He wanted to change. So maybe, just maybe, it was for the best that you came at this moment in his life. You came at the point in his life when he still had room to grow but was mature enough to treasure you wholeheartedly. Perhaps now was the best time to love you--not to say it was the only time he could love you, nor was it the perfect time, for he knew that if he had met you ten years ago or ten years from now, he'd be ready to love you precisely and honestly--so now as Zen looks at you, finally finding his moment of lost peace, he realizes that all this wondering about "first love" was for not because all that matters is that he loves you.

Zen nods, gently grabbing at your waist and pulling you in. He rests his forehead against your torso, hugging your waist tightly.

 "Never better, honey~"

˚✧₊⁎𝒥𝑎𝑔𝑖𝑎⁎⁺˳✧༚

Summary: It was Iori's idea to send you on this mission. While you're more than happy to comply, you're grateful he asked Zen to go with you. It's never fun working with creepy guys alone...

Pairing: Zen Gaho X Fem!Reader

Genre: Angstyish Drabble

Word Count: 887

Warning: Creepy Guy Alert

Masterlist

as of last night, i officially reached 100 followers! although it isn't a big milestone, it is my first one! so i would like to celebrate it with a writing event!

event time period: june 23rd - july 5th!

. . . ૪ event details!

in this event, i have complied many prompts you can use to request for your favorite characters! you can say up to no more than 3 prompts at once for one character. for an example... "miya osamu + fluff prompts 3 + 12"

you can send in as many requests as you would like within the event time period. i will not write for specified reader (ex: short, tall, skinny, chubby reader etc...) however i can write for fem and gender neutral reader! please specify in your request if you would like fem reader, if nothing is stated, i will write gender neutral reader.

i write for . . . jujustu kaisen, haikyuu, genshin impact, and mystic messenger.

will not write for . . . under aged characters (smut), mahito, and scaramouche.

all said is done so here are the prompts!

𝐳𝐞𝐧

𝐲𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐠

707

𝐣𝐮𝐦𝐢𝐧

 “ Shh, it’s okay. It was just a dream”

Zen X MC

“ I’m going for a ride, to clear my head.” _ _ _ sighed “ You know I don’t like it when you ride your motorcycle.” He gave her a beaming smile “I know, but when I lose a role it helps me refocus my energy.” She narrowed her eyes at him “ Zen, I worry the whole time you’re away.” He brushed her cheek “ I love that you love me so much, but I need this. I’ll be fine I promise.” She nodded her head reluctantly, feeling an uneasy knot forming in her stomach. He kissed her on her temple. “ I love you, I’ll see you soon.” She took his hand and held on tightly as he began to walk away. He stopped in his tracks “ It’s okay, I love you” She reluctantly let go of his soft strong hand. She watched him mount his motorcycle and hear it roar to life as he revved the engine, enjoying the familiar purr. She didn’t know why this time was so different from all the others, why she was so reluctant to let him go. She crossed her arms trying to bring warmth to her body from the cold she felt watching him as he put his helmet on. “ Oh, Zen please be careful.” She knew he wouldn’t hear him, but the unease she felt was unbearable. She watched him from the window as he peeled away with his long hair flowing behind him. She watched and watched and watched until she saw a car going at an unreasonable velocity straight for Zen.

just a little situation: MC  doesn’t end in a relationship with anyone, just planned the party and made really good friends. (kind of a more realistic plotline xdxd)

kind of angsty, a little sweary, I write like a monkey. I hope you like it~

ZEN getting attacked by anti-fans

----------------------------------------------------

Zen was just his good looks. He had an average voice, dumb dance moves, poor acting and most of all, lack of passion. Those were the statements of his unusual anti-fans. Although they were a small group, compared with his awesome fans, they were still there, stinging his pride and self stem. Some of his anti-fans, being the fans of other actor, just trying to push Zen down. There were some days when he would feel them like a larger group; usually when a show was already too much time in the theater the fans crowd would fall in number.

When Zen got finally out of the theater he would listen some mean and non-constructive criticism. That day, was one of those days. However, it felt different for several reasons. One of them being that MC was coming to watch the final presentation of the show, as she had no opportunity before. Zen was crushing so bad over MC, although she didn’t knew. This made all the negative comments and details just disappear with MC’s beautiful smile and shiny eyes.

He was so unfocused of real life that he eventually ignored a strange group of people hanging out at the back of the theater. Zen was with his cellphone, chatting with MC, making plans for dinner right then, so he didn’t notice how he was being followed.

He felt voices behind him, but he thought it was some group of friends chatting about anything. Until he felt someone knocking him to the floor. They punched him in the gut, pulled his hair and scratched his face and accessible skin. A blow on his head stunted him to the extent he saw blurry and barely heard. He though he heard a pair of scissors but it could be anything really.

Zen saw by the driveway a car-light, pulling cautiously over and fast footsteps leaving him behind. The car-light shut down, and a heel-sound echoed through his skull, then a nervous sweet shriek. He saw MC’s angelical face twisted with sorrow as she called something over the phone. It wasn’t long till Zen lost consciousness, and the ambulance came.

(continues under the cut)

“The patient has no internal bleeding, just a minor concussion. We want him to stay overnight to watch him over, but he should be fine.”

“Thank you doctor.” a gentle voice lullabied Zen’s head. Then it followed: “I hope he’ll be fine.”

“We all do MC. Assistant Kang was...really anxious, to say the least.” now a male, annoying, voice bothered Zen’s head.

“I’m anxious too. I just want to kill those people, they are so full of hate.”

“Don’t let them get you MC. We will find them; besides, it’s better if they rot in jail. I’ll make sure that happens.”

“Thank you Jumin.”

“I’ll make a few phone calls and update the members.” MC nodded and looked back to Zen. 

“I hate it you know... how he says your name.” Zen murmured without opening his eyes. MC gasped and then smiled, when she met those ruby-colored eyes.

“Hi Zen-oppa, how do you feel?”

“Every time I hear your voice I feel so much better.” he flirts with a raspy voice and a vague smug face. MC laughed but then started crying, more of relief than anything else. Zen took her hand and squeezed it slightly. “I think I’ll sleep some more, will you stay here jaggy?”

“Of course.”

“Leave MC, now.” Zen said altered.

“But-”

“Don’t even try it. I don’t want to see you around here. Leave.” MC left with tears in her eyes.

Zen looked at himself on the mirror one more time. He had several scratches on his face, along with some bruises, his hair was shorter (with an awful haircut), and his neck was a violet and red canvas. He even had a stitch in his jaw and another one in his arm. 

He was ashamed. All his long constructed self steam was torn apart. All his work to maintain pristine looks had banished in a matter of minutes and MC saw that awful face. He was afraid and depressed. He didn’t want to see her again, not with this looks, nor with the looks he could later achieve, he would never be de same again.

He could hear MC sobbing as she talked to Seven and Yoosung. He could also hear Jaehee now and then. Naturally MC felt rejected as anyone from the RFA could enter as they please except for her, and she could not understand Zen’s behavior.

Later that day, when MC returned from her apartment, after some food, barely touched, and a good shower, she overheard Zen arguing with Luciel.

“You are a goddamn fool. Can’t you see MC is worried to death about you? She barely eats, or sleeps just because you don’t want her to look at you? What kind of stupid asshole are you?”

“I can’t bare to see the look of MC’s face everytime she looks at me. I can’t let the woman I love see my face, ever again.”

“Well, you should better start saying that to her, because she thinks she did something wrong. She’s biting her nails off and beating her brain up just because you won’t see her. I’m done with you, stupid dickhead.”

Luciel opened the door to almost bump into a overwhelmed MC. She dodged the red head and ran besides Zen.

“Look at me.” she said softly. Zen looked the opposite side.”I said look at me” MC ordered displeased. She grabbed him by the chin and turned his head to confront him.

“You are still a goddamn good looking piece of shit, there is no cell in my body that can resist your charms. So quit fucking around and kiss me sometime would ya?”

Everybody in the room, and the ones in the hallway too, were stunned by MC’s bold declaration.

“And you beaten up makes you even hotter, if that’s even possible.” she said sitting in a chair besides him.

Zen could not talk, he was amazed. And really happy. He looked over to MC, who was now all flattered and as red as an apple for all her previous words. Seven closed the door and Zen finally spoke.

“MC, would you sit here please?” he said patting a small spot in his bed. MC gathered courage and sat looking at her hands, one of the ruby-eyed man hands’ reached her’s. ”Thank you babe. You are an angel, a filthy mouth angel.” he lead MC’s hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly.

MC smiled and looked at his eyes, then caressed his face a little, getting some hair behind his ears. “Would you help me get my hair even?” he asked sweetly. MC giggled a little and nodded, then leaned and gave him a chaste kiss on his lips. It felt like a feather, she didn’t want him to feel any pain; but Zen was all about kissing her and not feeling the pain so he just pulled her down and kissed her for some solid few minutes.

“Now, tell me all about how I’m still a handsome piece of shit.”

My first time into fanfic part of the MM fandom, I’m new to this so please be nice to me :)

Synopsis: She thought they were getting closer.

She thought he returned the feelings she had when he shared about his past, when he confided to her about his negative thoughts, when he talked about his weaknesses.

All those endearments, those shared moments, those touches.

Maybe she was the only one who thought that way.

He makes that pretty clear when he offers to set her up with his co-star.

Genres: Angst, Fluff, Hurt & Comfort

Pairings: Zen x MC | Saeran x MC

You can also read it here

Chapter 1:

It’d been a year since she’d joined the RFA, with 5 successful parties behind her.

Saeran was in a good place with everyone’s help, Jaehee opened her own coffee shop, Yoosung finally began to work hard for his dream as a vet, Jumin and his father had talked things through, getting to a point where both men understood each other’s point of view. And Zen. He was becoming a well sought out actor, known for his acting, not just because of his pretty face.

Everyone was happy and she was.

Seven had become her best friend, with Jaehee coming a close second, after the long period of time they had spent together helping Saeran transition back into somewhat normality. She began working as one of Jumin’s secretaries now that Jaehee had quit, only focusing on the cat projects Jumin was intent on doing.

She was too, but she wanted more. She wanted romance, a man to love her the way her parents loved each other.