he told me he loved me and i told him i loved him back

i also told him about my tumblr but told him never to look for it

i think he's actually worth the sacrifice of being only with one other person for the rest of my life

it doesn't really feel like a chore anymore, instead it's like, everyone else sucks

we fit so perfectly together, i saw it in the fact that he might like rainbows more than me, he wears brightly coloured different socks, and that he's quiet... and then he drew me in and asdkjsiatcaitheana. 

oh man

unrelated thoughts

i wish it was easier for me to get weed, so dry lately

well, okay, technically it's easy for me to get shit weed, but i'd rather be dry so it doesn't count

i really, really need to clean my fucking house because i live like a foul bachelorette frog.  like, the foulest.

it's been a while.  i thought randomly that i should come on here and delete all my personal posts but then i don't because i'm too lazy and don't know if i care enough yet.

so despite what i said before i'm now in a monogamous relationship with the boy, not that i wasn't before haha.  it's going fine.  honestly, i think when i'm old enough that my friends are getting married and having babies, and i'm seriously thinking how i could be married to this guy and have his babies.... it's still very strange and considering my best friend has told me HORRIBLE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT i'm still like i reeeeally don't want kids.... yeah.  i do want them, but i don't.  i do want to be polygamous, but i don't.  i feel it all at the same time.

hmm.

i watched a video on youtube today, i'll repost it if i remember, but yeah, this guy was talking about what it's like to be genderqueer, and even though i don't quite feel male enough to really say i'm genderqueer, i can say that 

as for the pretty girl who thinks she's ugly and horrible.... *sigh*.  i'm glad we are in the friends/probably will be roommates/not having sex zone.  i think it would be cool if we could innocently cuddle more, but i think that would probably just fuck with her (especially since i personally would like to add "making out" to that list but i doubt the boyfriend would go for that) so all in all i'm good with where we are.  i'm a close enough friend that i can help her with her shit and yet i'm not the girlfriend who really feels as if she has to devote her time to helping her through this shit.  i've got my own crap to deal with, and taking on hers would be tough.  i am very grateful my bf seems to have a solid grasp on his emotional state, and he doesn't really need a lot of attention there.  (i feel i'm in the middle)

the thing is though, i don't know how to tell her she really needs to just get off her ass and do SOMETHING.  i mean, she's 20, not in school, no job, still lives with parents, and spends her time playing instruments, on the computer, or sleeping.  

and you know what?  i feel for her so hard, i really do.  i have depression and sometimes that shit knocks me down and i'm completely useless for a day, semi-useless for a week, whatever depending on the situation.  i know the feeling of wanting to spend all my time in bed, i get it all the time.  it's cozy, nothing happens, it doesn't cost anything and no one can hurt you.  how much better can it get, right?  totally get that.  and i totally get that on top of depression, she has a bunch of anxiety issues and is transgender, and each of these things is just a whole fucking mess piled on top of mess, and i can't comprehend how those would impact me were i in her situation but i can estimate that it would be a whole bunch more shitty.

the good thing is that i feel she's really trying to work on her mental situation.  she's making appointments and (as far as i know) mostly keeping them, getting a shrink... all great things that i think in the long run will allow her to work on becoming who she wants to be, maybe cut down on the self-hate and focus more on her life and not her mental problems.  and i think this is necessary if she ever wants to be motivated enough to do what she's gotta do.

the bad thing is, those positive effects are not going to help her get a job or move out, things she wants so badly to do.  unfortunately, the only way to do this is to physically get out there and do it.  whether it be fight with the government to get on welfare, hand out resumes to anyone and everyone (and make sure that resume is awesome and you take the time to get the manager and do all that asskissy bullshit), fight with OSAP and the university to get the hell in there, fight with OSAP and the college and take something there, or, hell, ALL OF THE ABOVE, she needs to just get out there and do it.  and then when shit happens and there are setbacks and no one will hire you and there's a ton of red tape to go through for the government and schools..... nope, can't stop, gotta keep going to people and talking yourself up and writing letters and making phone calls and standing in lines and handing out resumes and EVERYTHING.  even volunteering is better than nothing - you're not wallowing in your own misery and you have something to put on your resume.  

is this shitty?? YOU BET IT IS.  fuck job hunting, fuck lines, fuck schools, fuck the government.  it sucks, they suck, they bend you over and rape you.  but that's life!! you have to do it because if you don't you will be hungry, homeless, broke and miserable.  the only way out is to fight your way out, trying to find jobs that don't suck, trying to learn skills or get a piece of paper in areas of life that don't suck, and then getting better jobs that suck less, pay more and that you're more likely to enjoy and/or be good at, while trying to coordinate that with what is in demand (because fuck me, if she becomes a teacher like she wants to, sure, that's fine, it's better than what she's doing now, but of all the many many teachers i know, most are super broke, super unemployed, or moving to places to teach that give you isolation pay.)

i wish i knew how to tell her how i do it without wanting to kill myself every day.  but i can't, because i really don't know.  when i sit down and think about things, yeah, everything IS shitty.  how do you tell people to be happy when everything is shitty?  you can't.  they have to find their own happiness.  and i know it's out there.  because i found it.  it's in the things i enjoy and the people who are awesome, because as few as they are, they're out there.  over time i learned to deal with most things that really make me sad or annoy me.  i guess the only weapon i have is my age and experience, and again, that's not something i can just give people to take along their merry way.  they have to earn it themselves.

i wrote a lot about that and i really wasn't intending on it.  it's probably because when i think of tumblr, i think of her.  

It fucking breaks my heart, watching her have to pose as a man every day of her life because society is a piece of shit.  It puts my problems into perspective EVERY DAY. I fucking said, when I was 18 years old, during a study someone was doing about LGBT youth something-or-other, something to the effect of "being bisexual is a cop-out because as a woman, I can just go out there and get a boyfriend and pretend that the part of me that likes girls just the same doesn't exist." It was recorded.  I still believe this every day.  It's like, I'm sitting on the fence of the gay and trans* community, able to be on their side but unable to really be a part of what's going on, and unable to really understand it all.  All I can see is that it must fucking suck and it makes me upset just thinking about it.  It's a good thing I'm not trans* because I don't think I'd be strong enough to handle it.  

More to the point of this post... It breaks my heart, because she's such a wonderful person.  That I still like very much and care for very much. That, if I thought we could, and I thought it would go well for us, I would totally not have a problem with cuddling with and kissing and whatever.  That closeness.  You know that closeness.  I'm addicted to it.  And with her... well, I mean, when I see her asleep in my bed and she's so pretty that feeling in my chest and stomach appears... yeah, that closeness.

And it doesn't change the fact that I'm still seeing this guy who was fucking kind enough to stay over while I went to work and do some of my dishes and clean up a bit.  Just, because.  And his face, the way his eyebrows furrowed so much when I was explaining just how my dad caused my abandonment issues... I know he cares about me so much.  And I obviously feel the exact same way.  I fucking see CHILDREN, okay? I see goddamn kids come into my work and I'm like oh my god how cute and how cute would our kids be and how nice of a guy is he that he would just be a great father and he's even talked about the kind of kids he wants and it just sounds like a damn good plan.  Yep.  That.  Went from 100% no kids to 90% no kids by now (I blame the cute redheaded boy who called me his friend for most of this) and that 10% is REALLY REALLY LOUD.

And guess what???? NONE of what I have said really affects the fact that today, I think I'm going to smoke more pot, take a shower and get all cleaned up, and go wander my incredibly stupid ass over to my adopted mother's house, see if her grandson is home, smoke pot with him and see if maybe he wants to cuddle again. And then see what else happens.  Because ever since my last post, the amount of time I've spent thinking about him and that night is kind of a lot.  

Yep.

has it really only been four weeks? i say this because my main dilemma, aside from continuously hearing my phone go off when it doesn't (i forget what that's called but it has a name), is that i really should have brought up exclusivity because thinking about bringing it up now is so much worse.

and i'm doing less shit with other people.

i mean, i say i like the girl, and that's kind of true, but we're good as friends, we've kinda stopped doing shit especially since she knows someone else exists now, and she has issues i really haven't seen ((BIG NOTE HERE if i were to pursue something with her i would try my damndest to help her and me deal with all of her issues in a heartbeat, whether i could or not is another story entirely but there's no question in whether i would try or not - i would))... but from what i've seen of the boy he's got issues i can deal with.  sadly my limit of what i can deal with is lower since i have so much mental crap of my own.

on the plus side, at least i haven't ended up in rehab yet.  and no one goes just for pot.  oh man, having so much extra spending money is bad.

when i go back to school, and i will because i actually want to, but i don't want to look into shit until next week, because i just need a breather lol, and i want to wait a bit to see what happens with this me and this boy shit.... so maybe it won't be in september but i'll still go.... in the meantime, resume and job hunting, oh my, barf.

where was i going with that

oh yes

with restrictive spending in school, i will automatically smoke less weed.  which works because i'll be busy doing schoolwork and filling my spare time with the boy.

and my ladyparts.

sorry, i just felt like being dirty there.

i should go to bed but after the revelation of school far away being an impossibility, i actually think i may read some cards.  why not, i'm already exhausted.

as for not seeming to be able to talk about things with the boy... i'm just terrified he'll leave.  i'm making things worse.  but at the same time, i'm - on my own, with no extra pressure from him being mad or whatever - just kind of drifting into a place that i think he would be okay with anyway.  like for example, if me doing things with other people is cheating even though we never discussed being exclusive or really being an official couple... but yeah i'm still a douchebag whatever way i look at it.... it doesn't matter because i'm not doing anything with anyone else.

but that's not what matters to me anyway.

what matters to me is that i don't want to do anything with anyone else.

i told you i loved you when you couldn't hear me because of the rave music

whatever

you are so amazing, you make me ridiculously happy, i hope you never go away and i will literally do anything for you

you know, even when people seem pretty uncomplicated, they really are very complicated.  i've always felt as if i'm the one in relationships with all the issues and the complications that have to be watched out for.... but i think maybe i'm about the same, maybe even less complicated than the people i keep hanging out with.  i'm not sure i have it in me to figure out someone else, on top of myself, and keep that in mind.  but i do know i'd love a chance to find out. 

i was originally pissed off about the monogamy/polygamy issues, and i think before, i would have said something like "i wish i could be that person to comfort both people in my life right now that i care about and be strong for them when they're not feeling the greatest" but lately i've kinda calmed down on it.  and sadly, i think i have no choice but to make a choice.  i can't devote myself properly to more than one person.  especially since i'm now thinking i can barely devote myself to one person lol.   i want to so bad.  but i don't think it would make either of the others in this situation particularly happy, so... i don't know.  i guess i have to pick.  and based on the way we just fit together, i know who i want to pick.  of course, knowing how they would feel would be helpful, but i can't ask without sounding like a horrible person.

so things are pretty good.  i accidentally threw out a pack of pills though, because i do dumb shit like that.  i also fell off my bike.  i was sober for that one.  my knee hurts.  

so he said he's looking for jobs in the city i'm moving to.  i didn't even have to bring it up, he did.  he said he wasn't assuming anything.  i'm not either.  but my priorities have now shifted to finding him a fucking job.  in the city would be nice, hell, anywhere in the damn area would be fine.  i don't even know what i'm going to do, i've been googling fucking jobs and asking everyone i know even though how the hell are they going to know this information and.... 

and i just really, really want him to come with me.  so i guess i'll just do whatever i can fucking think of and basically spend the rest of my time here counting down the days until i move and hope something happens before that time.  and if not, at least i went kicking and screaming because he's totally worth it.  

i didn't even want to be in any form of a relationship and now i don't even fucking care, i fucked other people and got into a bunch of situations and none of them were, in the end, half as fulfilling as this one is.  i know there are other people out there i could be with and i still believe all that crap i felt last year at this time about relationships and polygamy/monogamy issues and all that.  but at this point i can't see there really being anyone out there who is this awesome.  i know i kind of felt that about my ex for a little bit because we had a deep connection and in ways he's awesome, but the problems that turned up early on are the ones that broke us apart later.  and i don't know about that whole let's spend half the time in that relationship thinking about other people, whether it was because i wasn't in a fulfilling relationship even though i thought i was, or because i feel the need to be with others no matter who i'm with at the time, or what that was about.  i don't know.  

right now i don't have any desire to be with anyone else though.  that's all i know. i saw him not 24 hours ago and i fucking miss him like crazy.  i'm glad we spend time apart and i fear living with him in the future (if that were to ever happen) because i'm afraid of what happened last time but i can't compare and honestly, I would so do it.  Who am I kidding?  If he said he wanted to live with me, I'd totally do it.

I just totally realized I was being all not vague enough hahaha.  Okay, I think it's time for bed.  Boo waking up early, but I have a full entire fucking day off on Saturday and I don't think ANYONE has asked me to do anything on that day, so I think I'll sleep in, go see my parents, and then clean the shit out of my house. 

TROLLOLOLOL.

still painting.  i'm fucking slow as shit.  but it looks great. 

my sleep schedule is fucked up.  my house is super dirty.  that's the next step.  yay boring tasks like cleaning.  oh well.  i have a lot of music to get me through it.

i'm tired now though lololol. 

so i definitely can't really picture not seeing the guy i was talking about for really long periods of time and i hope he comes with me when i move, regardless of the commitment that will entail.  i know i've said that before, i've been thinking it for over a month now, but i just wanted to make sure i put that out there.

hmm, other than that, my life is boring.