#zaellea

__________ I feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise 'Cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways And that's the way it stays So how long did I expect Love to outweigh ignorance? By that look on your face I may have forced the scale to tip Shame pulses through my heart From the things I've done to you It's hard to face but the fact remains That this is nothing new... I'm losing the fight, I've treated you so wrong Now let me make it right I'm not insane, I'm not, not insane… Come back again, it's almost easy (You learned your lesson) Come back to me, it's almost easy (It's still your fault) Come back again, it's almost easy… --- Power & control I'm gonna make you fall Power & control I'm gonna make you fall Women and men, we are the same But love will always be game We give and take a little more Eternal game of tug and war Think you're funny, think you're smart Think you're gonna break my heart Think you're funny, think you're smart Yeah, you may be good-looking but you're not a piece of art ---

noun

the quality of having a modest or low view of one's importance.

Whispers spread like wildfire. You expected that from the second you got on stage. Bitchy bickering. Or complaining you guessed? It always happened when Dave caught your eye, or your wrist after your act was finished. “Meet me later...” You knew what that meant well enough. You didn’t need him to tell you. Mind you, Dave caught your arm so often his fingerprints might as well have been imprinted into your skin.

It wasn’t that they were jealous of you. Probably the contrary; that didn’t stop the whispers though. And tonight, as you changed, they seemed to be a little louder than usual; “I mean who the hell does he think he is-!? Walking around like he’s better than us?!” “Like he owns the place!” “He does own the place... but still, fair point. We do all the hard work!!” “People come for us - he only ever sings!” “And that’s only on bloody occasion too - not every night!” “We have way better work ethic-! I bet he doesn’t even PAY us fairly.” “I bet he pays himself better than us.” “...Well, he might pay some of us well then...” they all turned around to you, and you saw that from your mirror. You sighed, here we go again. Couldn’t be for love... had to be for money... You supposed it might not even have been for love... maybe just for company... but he wasn’t paying you for your time. They turned back around, whispered muttering you couldn’t hear that made you focus back on your mirror.  You caught the paper tacked there out of the corner of your eye. Dave’s writing; “Room 3”. You took a deep breath. A little part of you was always a little nervous about it. Dave had very distinct moods; if this wasn’t a good one, it might give you problems... “Oh! Y/N..!” They turned back to call your name and you turned, pressing you lips together to even out the lipstick; “Mm?” “Come here a second.” You sighed and stood; this could only be bad. “What’s wrong?” “Nothin’, yet. You seein’ Dave tonight?” Well, they knew you were so it was a stupid question. But they wanted affirmation. “Yes...” “We got an idea...” You didn’t like this one bit already, “Right...” “But we need your help.” You folded your arms, eyes narrowed in suspicion; “Why?” Rob gave you a look like you were dumb; “Because you’re his favourite! He trusts you.” No, you thought, you were his favourite right now. Next week that could all change, especially if someone newer younger and prettier walked in. Dave was always down to seduce the next big thing. “...Well what is it?” “Well, you agree. He thinks he’s great. Right?” “Yeah.” He did, on occasion, get this smug kinda swagger about him that annoyed you.  Clearly not as much as it annoyed them though. “And it’s getting a little out of hand?” “Maybe.” you didn’t want to seem decisive on this “Maybe?! C’mon Y/N don’t be amicable - he thinks he can do whatever the f*** he wants. We gotta stop this before we can’t anymore.” “Well what do you want me to do?!” “He taking you to a room tonight?” You glanced back to your mirror “Yes.” “Give him a taste of his own medicine.” “How?!” “What room?” “Three.” They all looked at each other for a minute, and suddenly you didn’t like the smirks they were all giving each other; “Shells, huh?” That didn’t really bother you. Dave had a remote, sure, but you knew him. “Yes?” You wondered where this was going. “Lock him in one.” “What?!” that sounded about as crazy as they all looked. “Yes! That’s such an excellent idea!!” “You guys do realise the lock mechanism keeps you safe right? And that he has a remote system too?” Rob tipped his head knowingly “Aw, like as if a girl like you can’t wrangle the remote from him?” You frowned at that - yeah, you guessed he had a point. “And… what am I doing this for?” Kat scoffed; “yourself for one!” You almost dared shoot her a look, but Rob cut in before the cat fight could start “The good of all your friends here! Our eternal gratitude? To feel good! Put him in his place? Y/N the list is endless!” You noticed no one was offering up a monetary reward! You shook your head with a smirk; “Okay. But I’m getting bragging rights for at least a year, I get a longer routine AND-!” You put your hands on your hips and turned to Rob, “I get to be the MC. At least a couple of times.” “Well, you gotta prove you did it.” Your smirk only grew; there’s one-way glass isn’t there? You’re welcome to watch.” All of them opened their mouths, hesitated, and looks appeared on their faces which let you know they realised exactly what that would entail. “Bring us the remote and any other proof you can. We’ll take it.” “Alright, you’re on...” you held out your hand to shake; Rob took it, and everyone else grabbed your handshake. You winked; “You guys better be thinking of how many precious seconds you can shave off... I’m coming for them.”

 ** Only that meant by the time the show was over, and pretty much everyone had left. Except the huddled group, because they wanted to make 100% you were going to go ahead with this; you were even more nervous. You could do it sure, but did you want to? Dave was good to you, forward sure - but a good man. And he took care of everyone here. Even if he had a kinda self-important attitude. Still, you saw their point completely. He usually got what he wanted; there was something alluring about him, and you probably weren’t the only girl he’d taken an interest in working here. You’d heard the words ‘Dave Situation’ often enough. In fact you probably weren’t the only girl he was seeing right now. But, you were his favourite.  Apparently.

He stood watching you wait patiently for a few minutes. Leaning on the door frame, with a smile. Such a good girl. But Dave knew that already. He scanned the room, frowning a little at those still loitering. He knew who had clients tonight and who didn’t.  That caused him slight annoyance as he stepped into the dressing room, calling your name. You turned instantly with a sweet smile and he walked towards you. Dave had an energy almost unreadable, that uncertainty gave him power and he knew it. His eyes traced the group who had allowed pause in their talking; “You can go home, right?” He looked between them, “I don’t pay you to stand around here, you don’t earn commission chatting either. Go home. Get rest.” “Yeah we know what we need to do to get paid around here.” You didn’t visibly wince at that obvious shot at what was about to happen between you and Dave; but he simply furrowed his eyebrows. Saying nothing he turned back to you; “You ready?” “Mmm!” You nodded and stood gracefully. “Good... let’s go.” You turned to the group again with a wink; watch this!!

 * 

You always thought that the electronic female voice telling you to play safe was a tad ironic, considering the catered to audience. And you thought that shell safety was a little bit of a joke too. Dave, after all, did have a remote that overrides the lock in system. Who said he didn’t have more he could give out for the right price? You wouldn’t have thought he would though. Even Dave didn’t seem like the kind of man who would put you in danger for money. He waited for the lock to click in place on the entry door and then was on you. Leaving you little-to-no time to take a breath, you found yourself pushed up against the wall in less than seconds. You weren’t wearing a heck of a lot anyway, but your thin coverup didn’t last long - floor - you weren’t about to let him get away with something like that without going for it yourself. Where the hell would he keep his remote, though...? Maybe you could get him to give that information up... You made sure to let him know you didn’t want him wearing his suit jacket too long either - floor. He’d already done the work on his top two buttons, allowing you to push his shirt collar back and kiss his neck.   You got a kick out of the sounds he made, and the way he gripped your hips tighter “...Y/N...” Oh! Well, if you could keep him saying your name like that... You bit him just hard enough, and pushed him back. When he conceded a step you knew this would be easy... it couldn’t have been many to the shell, push him in and lock it, and your work was done.

But Dave wanted your lips back on his. So he pulled you to him, hands running as much of your body as was within reach with you pressed up against him like this. Oh god- Dave... Yes-! He knew exactly what he was doing. He’d certainly never wasted his time with getting in tune with you. Okay, so what if you pulled him to the shell, if you lulled him into a false sense of security... You turned him, tugging him closer to you by his shirt. And your moans were are real as his were. He’d deny you his fingertips if he thought he could. There was nothing quite like the way he touched you. Dave chuckled, as he realised where you were heading. “My, my, so eager?” “Yes...” you pitched your voice at just whiny and needy enough for him to give it to you. “Good girl.” ...c’mon a few more feet... You paused just in front of it and broke his trial of kisses. “What?” You looked between his eyes; it was strange to think that for once this man had no idea what was coming.  You shook your head, kissing him again - this only soft and gentle... and you knew you were asking for forgiveness before you’d even done what you were going to. You took his hands in yours, turning him on the spot. Perfect. Best guess on where the remote was and you could do this; and it’s not like he would mind your hands on his body. But that kiss confused him. Being so different from the rest as it was... he didn’t have time to quiz you though; because you pulled him again, this time undoing a few more buttons, you ran your hands down his body. That picked his groan back up. He wouldn’t have dared leave his remote in his jacket... that ruled that out. It wasn’t in his shirt pocket... that left his pants. And Dave was left handed. “...Careful...” his whispered against your lips as your hands had to run that low; “...don’t make me call you a bad girl just yet...” Only he would be. Considering. The second you found it you broke the kiss - and pushed him. It was pretty hard and athletic for you, but still.  He realised what you’d done far too late and the door closed on him.

At first he sighed, and then laughed; “Oh I see...” but he didn’t. “Funny... let me out.” You at least gave a playful shake of your head “Y/N... don’t make this hard on yourself...” your eyes flicked to his hands searching his pockets. He still thought he had the upper hand. And there was a sick sort of pleasure in watching his face change as he realised he didn’t. “Wh-!” You held the remote up; “Looking for this?” He slammed his hands on the plexiglass - clearly unimpressed. “C’mon, Y/N!” You at least laughed a little, folding your arms “Nah, I think it’s good for you...” Dave’s face changed again, and you’d never seen him look so vulnerable; “W...why??” Your eyes flicked to the club above your heads; “They all think you need a taste of your own medicine. I say they probably have a point...” you threw the remote behind you. You wouldn’t need it for at least a minute; “... I have to watch you... now you have to watch me...”  You tilted your head “...The crew thinks you think you’re too good for us. Guess you have that air, but just because you’re in charge doesn’t mean...” you weren’t even sure Dave was listening as he looked around the enclosed space you’d now trapped him in. If he was looking for an escape route, you could happily confirm for him there wasn’t one. You continued “...I guess they think you have an attitude problem they’d like you to tone down... Me? I’m just not sure I hold your attention... or could ever hope to hold it... and I’m not sure how that makes me feel. But certainly not good. You can’t always do whatever you want and expect it not to have... consequences...”

 Dave sounded like he was laughing, half hysterically. Like all the words you were saying meant nothing. All jokes for him. Only you realised with horror he wasn’t laughing. Dave was having a full on panic attack. SHIT HE’S CLAUSTROPHOBIC!!?! “Oh my god!! Shit!!!” You turned around; with the nonchalant way you’d chucked the remote it could be anywhere and you, nor he, really had the time for you to waste. “Shit! Dave! Just hold on!!!” Damn the seedy lighting in these rooms!! Eventually it glinted at you from a corner and you couldn’t run to it quick enough. Running back to the shell you never thought you’d heard anything that gave you as much relief as Shell Unlocked

Dave all but collapse into yours arms; gripping you tight. “Baby... baby... hush... hush. It’s okay... it’s okay, I’m here...” you sank down onto your knees, cradling him close to you with soothing tones; “Breathe... sweetheart... just breathe...” if you could regulate his breathing, hopefully you could help him calm down. ...well that wasn’t exactly the humble kind of attitude you expected to evoke. Sure you wanted him to meekly beg you, before you to let him out with an agreement that he’d bend to what the guys wanted. So you could put him on his knees and call him a good boy and feel whatever power he did. But this was more like humiliation. And you weren’t so sure he deserved that.  Also, causing a panic attack was the last thing you’d wanted. That was such an awful thing to do. You had a sudden horrific thought; did they know??! Had they asked you to do this because they knew?! It took him a little while to calm down, and he was still clinging onto you even then. “I’m so sorry...” Dave shook his head gently; “Is that how you feel...?” He nodded to the shell “...when you step in that?!” “I’m not claustrophobic, so no. I’m fine... but Dave I’m sorry. If I had any idea...” “That’s why they asked you to do it, isn’t it. Because you didn’t know.” “They do?!” your heart sank and you felt slightly sick – they really had come up with this plan to set off his claustrophobia then… But they didn’t think of you either, did they just expect you to let it happen to him and laugh it off? It hurt you that you’d hurt him. “They probably have some idea...” his breathing was still deep; “Did you mean what you said?” You ran your hands through his hair “We don’t have to talk about that...” “On the contrary... I thought you put me in there to talk about it...” He let out a small laugh “...Good negotiation tactic, I’ll give it that.” You moved your hands slowly as you dared down to his chest. To feel his pulse, under your fingertips - the way it was calming down. Thank Goodness.

Dave lay in your arms in silence for a good while; his only movement a shift to get more comfortable... and his hands found yours, clasping them with a gentle, dare you say affectionate, squeeze.  You bent your body and kissed his forehead with care, making his eyes flick to your face and one hand reach up to touch your cheek. “What are you staying here for?” “I’m staying for you. I want to make sure you’re okay.” He shook his head, with a chuckle that seemed almost out of place; “Is that what it is?” “Mmmm…” You couldn’t help but place your hand over his and fit your fingers between the spaces in his own. “You’re a good girl.” “I...” you wouldn’t disagree, neither would you agree with him. You just humbly bit your lip and dipped your head a little more; “...Can I get you out of here...?” He let you help him get to sitting up and then you stood together - still holding hands that way. “Yeah... sure. What you thinkin’...?” “Room 5?” Even he raised his eyebrow at your suggestion of the bedroom. “Why?” “It’s a little more comfortable that the floor...” you nodded to the shell, “It’s considerably lacking in claustrophobic spaces...” Dave chuckled again; “Aw, she’s good and smart too...” This time you conceded quietly; “I try my best...”

 **

 Your idea with bringing him in here had nothing to do with taking your clothes off. This was much more neutral; it would give him a safe(r) space to just calm down, chat... rest easy...

You shut the door and waited for it to click into a locked position. Please play sa- “SHUT UP!!!” You chided the female voice with annoyance and turned back to him; “Seriously? Do you know how annoying that thing is?!? And talk about IRONIC!!” He sat on the edge of the bed and threw his jacket over the chair “...It’s supposed to be fun! But I’ll take it into account...” Dave ran a hand through his greying hair, and loosened two or three more of his shirt buttons. “But I don’t like your use of the word ironic...” “Safe is about the last word I would use sometimes... this room...” You folded your arms, watching the way his fingers grazed against the fabric of his shirt a little too closely. Ah! Maybe this was a bad idea! You shook the thought away “…This one is something different. This is what goes on between you and me... but the shells, and some of these other rooms. Because of the barriers, I reckon people think they can do whatever they want without consequence.” You walked over to him slowly “Just because I know I’m locked in there, doesn’t mean I feel safe if someone is screaming things I’d rather not repeat, and trying to get me out...” Dave looked a little perplexed at that; and you figured he either was pretending he didn’t know, or he simply thought if he ignored it it wasn’t happening. But his gaze dropped from yours as you sank onto the bed next to him, so you knew he was taking responsibility for it in his head. As he should - as the establishment owner. “I’m...” “Sorry?” You shook your head “It’s a little late for both of us to say that tonight... don’t you think.” “Why didn’t you tell me?” He places his hands on your thighs, over where your own were resting. “Would you have listened?” You gave him a hard look, to let him know you weren’t messing around when you said that. He gave a sigh “...I wish I wasn’t even considering that I might not...” You tipped his chin back with your fingertips, so his eyes faced you; “...We both have a few things to work on, huh?” “What do you have to-!” You placed your finger to his lips; and you got a few seconds satisfaction of having them back on your skin; “I should never have agreed to do it...” He took your hands in his again - he wanted that physical connection too, it seemed - and those grey-blue eyes studied you; “...God, I must be truly awful for you to agree to do this...”

 You weren’t sure he was. That was the problem. Maybe he had good intentions that just didn’t work out. Of all the men you’d interacted with here (besides your colleges), Dave was the only one who cared, and took care of you. Who made you glad that you got to be here with him... and even more glad no one else could. You gave a gentle shrug “Maybe I had stupid selfish reasons...” Dave caught on straight away; “You think I’m seeing someone else.” “Are you?” You tried to not look so hopeful that he’d deny it. “It’s not... like this...” that confused you; because it was neither a yes or a no... You bit your lip “I don’t share well...” That only made him sigh again; “Seems we share that problem.” “Who is she?” “Not you...” “That’s not an answer.” “I know. It’s much less than you deserve. But I am also not at liberty to say...” That had you turning away from him, so he pulled you back - “Y/N... I promise you... you are the only girl I am intent on actively seeing.” “Good. Because I’ll put you in the box again and throw away the remote otherwise.” There was a stalemate of staring for a moment; Dave cracked first; “And... that would be fair...”

The sexual chemistry of the evening had long since passed, and he looked like he was doing a lot better... but you still craved some of that promised intimacy. “Will you hold me..?” “Now?” He opened his body to you; allowing you to wind your arms around him and thread your legs with his “Of course... it is the least you deserve...” Dave could say that all he wanted... but it was obvious he needed it as bad. When he felt you were secure around him, he lay back on the bed; caressing your hair he whispered gentle apologies against your skin. You closed your eyes gently to that - and this once; because of the feeling of him against you like this - you wouldn’t tell him they weren’t good enough.   “Ah-! Shoot!” You broke the silence in a way that had him laughing “What...?” His voice was still soft, and he pressed kisses into your forehead. You opened your mouth with a breath, and then covered it; “No! You know I still feel terrible..! Buuuut...” “Buuuut..?” He repeated with a smile “... I promised them I’d prove I did it...” you muttered with a pout “...Gosh, I’m awful...” Dave snorted “Okay, darling, where’s your proof coming from?” You tipped your head, and couldn’t resist the tease; “Guess you walking in tomorrow looking a little shaken would do the trick, huh?” “Don’t push it...” he growled gently, tracing his kisses across your cheek and jawline “...I said I’d get the remote...” He pulled back, eyebrow raised; “How would that prove it?” “I have it, which means I got it from you and locked you in there, as dictated by the plan...” He propped himself up on his elbow and couldn’t help but look amused “...oh, really? Interesting...” “Uh huh. But that means asking for it back...” “Oh.” He shrugged “Take it... you deserve your proof...”

You were surprised by that - he’d just been through a personal hell but he was still going to tell you win? “Oh you don’t need-” “Consider it a favour. I owe you enough, don’t you think...?” Dave ran his thumb over your lips as he held your chin to keep your gaze on his. “Y-Yes...” you couldn’t help but respond that way to the glint in his eyes. And he went back into his pocket; holding out the remote for you. He chuckled; “You go prove to them you did... I’ll go work on myself... and we’ll go from there. What do you say?” You smiled, taking the remote gently from his hand and looking back to him, lacing your fingers with his once more; you asked him for a kiss and he granted you with what you wanted. Pushing his forehead to yours he kept you barely millimetres apart, tangled up together. “I think... that’s a good idea.”

Words distract us, but we know the truth, So hush, baby, my heart's speaking to you

Just give me that touch (I want it) Quit talking too much, I'm ready Stop moving your lips and kiss me Keep taking my breath away 'Cause you make me speechless You quiet my demons Swallow me whole tonight and just kill me silently I don't need a reason When you make me speechless We're getting loud tonight, we're allowed tonight to be Come on baby, make me speechless...

Body language screaming everything And keep giving it to me, fire away

When you’re touching me, When you’re kissing me Nothing left to say... 

--- “Stop! Stop!” Dave cut across you, he looked confused and disoriented. “I can’t hear you-! Baby, why can’t I hear you?!” You didn’t like that his voice was panicked. You hated that he was panicked. “Baby you-!” You stopped, could he really not hear you?! Like at all. He clung to you, suddenly “Why can’t I hear you—!!?” You had to get him to calm down, but you also had to get him to hospital... And this was hardly the place to call an ambulance now, was it. How were you about to explain to anyone who showed up here what this club was, why you were dressed like this, how the hell what happened… happened. You pulled him; you had to go and NOW-! Running with him down the corridor, your hand in his you got him outside and to his car. Keys?! Keys...?! Sh*t did he leave them on his desk??! DAVE! You didn’t want to leave him, but you didn’t have a choice; you tugged his hand and sat him down. Clearly still disoriented. You pushed his shoulders firmly ‘stay here’ you pressed your lips to his forehead and then sprinted back to the club, you didn’t think you’d ever made it through a crowd of people so fast. Car keys, wallet, jacket... what else would he need? You swept your eyes over his desk quickly - phone! You’d come back for your stuff later.  You ran back to him, crouching to his level you handed him his things. ‘C’mon lets go’ Where the hell was the nearest hospital?! If there was one thing you damned about Dave’s job in all these small towns it was things like this.  Your driving was more than just a little reckless and you dialled 911. So they could help you out. Meaning eventually, you got him to a hospital. Only, when you looked down at yourself you thought twice about walking in. That wouldn’t have seemed appropriate. He was looking at you fight with yourself long enough for him to hold his jacket out.   “Oh...” you took it from him delicately and slipped it on “Thank you!” He was watching your lips very carefully “You’re welcome...” You still had to pull him into A&E. By that time his white shirt was covered in blood. And you had to do your best to try to explain how, why and where this had happened without a) talking about the club and b) an actual clue. Your best guess was she’s stabbed him. But you understood why Billie would carry a knife somewhere that shady. And boy, if you didn’t know Dave by now. He had his fair share of muses that weren’t you. Billie was one of them. Just by the way he talked about her… * “... Does it really matter if I know sign language if he doesn’t? He’s not mute! But you can tell me words, how do you tell him words?! Is it not something a hearing aid can fix...” You thought about that, his other ear was bad but not completely gone. He’d never quite told you a story with that one though. “All I’m saying is it’s something to think about if he doesn’t regain his hearing.” “And how unlikely is that?” “It’s not looking good.” “Can I see him?” He gave a curt nod, and led you down the corridor. You noticed the way his eyes awkwardly swept you. Making you instinctively pull Dave’s suit jacket tighter around you. Thank God you’d actually finished for the evening and had pulled on shorts. Still, they were incredibly short shorts. You were back in flat shoes; but it was clearly the fact that you were wearing a bustier, almost had your full make-up intact AND the choker around your neck that was intriguing him. The thin strip of black leather was small; but the red buckle made it noticeable. It looked like a collar. For all you knew it probably was one… You bit your lips together and rolled the sleeves of Dave’s jacket up. Definitely not appropriate to wear whilst dragging a man to hospital. You knew what you looked like – hell you knew what you felt like. He tried to clear the air, with an awkward cough; "He’s lucky, if that knife had cut any deeper, or severed any major artery he could have been dead.” That DIDN’T help! You turned to him with a look of almost disgust on your face; "Do you think I really need to hear that right now!?!?!" The doctor walked you into the examination room and told you he’d be back in a minute. You walked across to Dave, sitting with his head down. Even when you stood right in front of him, he didn’t look up. You placed your hands gently on his legs and pushed your head against his. He looked up at you. “Can you really not hear me?” You paid close attention to how you said it. Slow. If he could lip read it was a start. He shook his head “It’s like mumbling... like you’re 5 rooms away from me...” Dave placed his fingertips delicately to your lips; “What if I can’t ever hear you again Y/N? What am I supposed to do if I can’t ever hear you...?” You knew how much vocalisations played into your relationship. He held his fingers there for a second and you watched as his eyes welled up. His tears began running and then he was sobbing. “Dave!!” That shocked you; you didn’t think you’d ever seen him cry before?! He threw his arms around you and pulled you into him. You tried your best not to cry because he was crying. Winding your arms around him and into his hair. “Baby... Don’t cry... Please don’t cry...” you knew he couldn’t hear you, but the reverberations of your voice into his body you hoped were at least calming... At least you hoped he knew the sentiment was there... *** You spent a lot of time trying to figure out the best way to make this easier for him.  And you. You didn’t want your relationship to change because of this. You had to be grateful that he had problems in the first place... because there was a bunch of things, you’d picked up that now you had to work harder on. Dave was good at reading vibration. You could tap his desk to let him know you’d brought him coffee, his glasses, his notebook, a pen, just to let him know you were there, anything...  Now when he talked to you he would press his hands to your chest and watch your lips to see how the vibrations fit to words. So, when he held you and you talked to him he knew what you were saying without watching your lips. But he had no sex drive. And for a relationship that relied so heavily on the physical that was tough for you to get used to.  He would still kiss you, he would still push himself up against you and grind your hips into his. He would still pin your wrists above your head with his hands to deny you from touching him, but, then he would stop, and let you go with a sigh of discontent, rolling over onto his side, back to you. To your dismay, Dave would lay like that until the following morning. You needed to figure out a way to fix this. The doctor had spoken about heading aids. You’d taken matters into your own hands on that one because Dave was point blank refusing to have anything to do with it.

As tiny and discreet as possible. Money wasn’t an issue. And you couldn’t let Dave know. No one could let him know so he couldn’t completely settle into the idea of refusing; alongside your need for it to happen hastily so he didn’t get himself into a depressive state. And Dave would leave you if he thought it wouldn’t get better. He would say it was for you. But you had no doubt he would. It might have been slightly twisted, but you knew exactly how that brain of his worked... and you needed to give him every reason to stay... 

*

Today, you were looking at Morse code. Did Dave know Morse code? It seemed like the kind of thing a man like him would preoccupy himself with learning. You printed off sheet after sheet and stuck them in every room in the house. “Y/N!” He called you into the kitchen; “What are these?” You raced through, so he wouldn’t be kept waiting. You weren’t sure if you were still acting under the Rules of Engagement. You hoped if you showed him you were, he would realise... you wouldn’t leave. He needed you now. “Morse code.” “Yeah. I see that...” He tilted his head gently “I mean why do you have them?” “For you.” He gave a smile “Why?” “Do you know it?” His eyes flicked to the sheet in front of him “I can learn it.” You got closer and placed a hand on his arm to turn him back to you. “Please do…” This was a different kind of physicality now. Touches weren’t meant to tease, or arouse, or warn... They were reassurances, comforting, little gestures to let him know you were there, that you had something to say. “...” He untacked the sheet from the kitchen wall “...I guess it gives me something to do whilst not at the club.” Stay away from loud noises. Well he hadn’t liked that one bit either. But your insistence he listen (ha!) to the doctor on that one in particular made him stay home. You weren’t sure if you were supposed to be hopeful that he would regain hearing. You did know the doctor said it could get significantly worse, or the wound could reopen. You were (obviously) not willing to take a chance on either of those things. Your idea seemed to have an instant effect on Dave’s mood. Maybe that was just because it gave him something to focus on. But it went back to vibrations. That made it sensory again.  It made something ever so slightly physical too. Because he could tap the code into your skin as much he could a table. Or just about anything. It was long though. Overly long, and you were sure there was something less complicated you could try. Still, you liked the way he got amused at you trying to remember exactly how to dot, dash, and where to use the gaps. Every so often you’d slip up and he’d laugh. Sometimes so hard there were tears, and you loved that. You loved screwing up because that was always his reaction. You were supposed to like messing up anyway; there was a thrill to it. There used to be. But this was a different set of Engagement Rules... and these ones had his laugh as a consequence.   That made breaking these new rules your favourite game. The problem was it was hard to concentrate on, and even harder to communicate with it, when he had you pinned back to the bed like this.  But you were desperate for every piece of affection he would shower you with here. You wanted this. You needed this. You craved him. He knew that. All you wanted was for him to tell you what to do. Or tell you what not to do. To tell you how good you were... or even how bad you were... You wanted anything; him to use his nickname for you, him to get you out of your clothes, no matter how he did it.  But it still didn’t work that way. And after about 10 minutes of you trying to believe that his sighs weren’t frustrated, you whined at the feel of him releasing his grip on you.   He knelt up.  Not looking at you, but rather himself. He sighed again and his eyes flicked to the bedroom wall. You held still. Wrists where he’d left them. A little tense... Maybe he’d come back to you... you wanted to show him he could. That that was okay... But, no. He sank back into his side of the bed and turned to his clock. It wasn’t tension that cut across his shoulders; it was something much worse.  Was he disappointed in himself? What was he letting go of? There was something there you didn’t like. And you’d give anything, ANYTHING, you could to hear his thoughts right now. You were too used to what he should be doing to you. Meaning although you were watching him you were still in the position he left you, and you remained that way for a number of minutes. Until you had to relax. He wasn’t coming back; he wouldn’t come back to you. He would lie like this, and eventually fall asleep and that was it. Why did he hate himself so much...? You were suddenly aware there was a tear rolling down your face. No-! What?! You rubbed it away quickly. But you already knew why.  You already knew what was crossing his mind; if he couldn’t be what you wanted him to be... What he HAD to be for this relationship to work the way it did. His only choice was to set you free to find someone else. But didn’t he understand? There wasn’t anyone else! He SHOULD have understood that. You would follow him; you’d continue to follow him everywhere.  You already had. Through all his muses; none of which has outlasted you. If that’s even what you were? No. You wouldn’t stand for this. You wouldn’t let him leave you when you didn’t want him to leave. There was a way through it even if you both couldn’t see it yet. You bit your lip hard to stem your crying. Now was the time to be a big girl. To be the adult you actually were and stop this! You reached out tentatively to wrap your arms around him. He tensed, just a little, but you took the fact he didn’t tell you to stop, physically or vocally to be a sign you could continue. Pushing your chest to his back, you wound your arms around him, resting your head gently against the back of his neck. Dave didn’t react. He didn’t respond. He just remained there. You still didn’t like this. For Dave this wasn’t enough. And you weren’t sure there was anything you could do that would ever be enough. It clicked. Suddenly. And you moved one of your hands tentatively, tracing your fingertips from his front to his back you rubbed gentle comforting circles.  It’s okay. I’m here. No matter what. But you knew he needed more. You took a deep breath. Better not screw this up now. Dot. Dot. “I” His eyes widened for a second. Were you-!? Did you just—?? Dash – the significance of the length told him that was an “L” He concentrated. Was this why you’d made him learn? Dot. Pause. Dot. “O” Your fingertips continued to dance lightly across his back as you gently wrote… Dot. Dot. Dot. Dash. “V” Dave found himself smiling... Oh... Y/N... “E” “Y…” He moved then, snatching your hands in his he pulled you tight to him; “I love you too.” ** You were sitting studying when Dave approached. Squinting over your shoulder. You’d been studying non-stop for days. Any work he had to do now had to be done from home; he hadn’t been to the club or the bank but he was still sitting here running it. Or having you run things back and forth. You certainly weren’t about to let him out of your sight and for once you were desperately waiting for that phone to ring so the bank would call him to any other branch in another town and you could start over again...Hopefully with a week gap. They were always good respite... and always gorgeously vanilla... He snapped you from your concentration “Is that sign language?” You nodded, causing him to drag a chair over and sit down. You watched him for a second, before right clicking the video and throwing up the subtitles, with a little smile. “May I ask why?” You pulled a piece of paper towards you and wrote ‘your doctor said I should start thinking about learning it just in case.’ He scoffed gently at the notion you were spending your energy listening to his doctor. “Which means I have to learn it too, right?” You gave a gentle shrug and wrote ‘it’d help!’ But he was sitting here now, so he certainly wasn’t against the idea... Besides, it was certainly a lot easier than Morse Code. Eventually he smirked “Kinda gonna be hard to communicate with your hands when they’re tied up though...” You hit him with the pen you were holding; /not helpful!/ But he continued to watch with you. And you spent several days following curled up on the couch trying to learn together. It surprised you just how quickly he would pick it up. That he was trying. You wondered if he was doing it for himself… or for you? Now you’d let him know you weren’t going to leave? Maybe that would pick his spirit up enough. Every so often whilst you were lying together like this, or when he had his arms around you at night he would tap gently against your arm – like you had before. Morse code was a much slower way to communicate than sign language though… But it made you beam until your face hurt. Today you wandered into his home office, whilst making the rounds tidying the house. He was a handful at the best of times. It didn’t get any better now. But something about you liked looking after him. He was sat at his desk looking over several pieces of paper, upon which appeared to be printed accounts. Oh-! Bank related. He was chewing on the end of his pen and was propping his head up with his arm. Clearly bank related! You waited patiently for him to look up, which he did, slowly. You gave a smile; and signed How are you? Dave shook his head, with a small smile and put his pen down; it was shaky, but it was incredibly cute to watch I am good. Thank you. How are you? Good. Can I get you something? He paused for just a second, and you could see him trying to remember it in his head. He held up his hands and then stopped. No wait. You wanted to attempt to help him, but he shook his head again, insisting that he had this; C… Coffee. Coffee. You repeated encouragingly. To let him know he was right. He nodded, encouraged to smile; Thank you, sweetheart. You touched a hand to your heart for a second; sweetheart?! Wh… Had he learned that himself!?  You noticed the grin that spread across his face at your reaction. He had, hadn’t he?! Oh… Dave…! He beckoned you over, pushing his chair out a little way and pulled you onto his lap for a second; you were only too happy to oblige this. He kissed you gently. It was chaste. Barely enough… And when you tried to tease another from him, he pushed a finger to your lips and shook his head, with a smirk. Coffee first. Then you’d get more.  Oh. He was taking this THAT seriously??! Maybe he’d figured you’d stay. The way you’d promised and proved that? He was trying to put your relationship back on the track it had been on before... in the only way he could. In any way he could.You had a hard job not smirking. Because that would get you in more trouble. But you did pout; which made him smirk instead and he nodded towards the door; “Go on...” He lowered his voice, dark, deep, plainly seductive. Dave..! You stood and gave a nod, what was the signing for ‘Yes Sir..?’ Would he like that...? Or would he prefer something a little more... unusual. You couldn’t help grinning to yourself as you skipped down the stairs to the kitchen. Maybe soon you’d be able to shimmy yourself out of your jeans and T-shirt again... Finally! 

* I’m not f**king wearing a hearing aid! How old do you think I am?!” You glanced at the tiny little device in your palm and thought he should probably just grow up. You gave him a look that told him such and held it up. “It’s tiny.” “It’s still a hearing aid.” “Well then how else do you hear my voice?” For once he acted like his ‘bad ear’ was fine “I can hear you; it’s just mumbling.” You sighed, exasperated and stepped forward “Try it.” For one, from these past few weeks alone, you both knew how much of a lie what he’d just proclaimed was. “No!” “DAVE!!!” You took his hands in yours, “Please. Baby. For me. Try it for me.” You realised by the look on his face that he couldn’t say no. He turned his head and you smiled triumphantly as he let you fit the tiny device. You stepped back; “Better?” His eyes suddenly went wide in delight “Ha!!” And then he laughed “Yes-! Yes; Oh my God!” He pulled you closer to him cupping your face in his hands; “Keep talking. Baby... just keep...” “Okay don’t cry on me...” Though he looked like he was about to. You placed your hands gently over his and allowed yourself a tiny smirk; “Why don’t we skip the talking...?”