But this time would be different because I was prepared. This one wouldn't end up like all the other projects I've abandoned over the years because I've Learned Things™.

And then came my entrance into the COD fandom. Fanfiction became both my new shiny object and a way to practice exposure therapy, showing my work to the ether, and it was anxiety-inducing.

Fanfiction, for me, was a joy and an exploration, but also my way to try to break through my creative blocks that have been holding me captive for the past few decades. Words do not come easily to me anymore, like something's gummed up the cogs that used to be so well-oiled. That kind of loss of self-expression feels like a kind of crippling self-abandonment and has left me clawing and grasping for something that, in the past, had been almost too present. I feel abandoned by the muses I once had, who had always been with me, and I am left wondering how to get them back.

I have WIPs that are outstanding (as in not fulfilled, not excellent in quality lol), and I had to stop taking part in things like WIP Wednesday because I always end up feeling like they're broken promises to myself and just remind me of how much I'm struggling to write.

There's no real point in this post I guess, except to say that I'm struggling. Fanfic was supposed to be haha fun, but it's become hard, just like any other writing I do, or try to do.

My very first drabble (and entry into fanfiction) will turn one year old at the end of this month, and my first serial fanfic ("Your Ghost" - tw it's an exploration of grief) will follow in June. I haven't updated it since June 26th last year. The last chapter I wrote took a lot out of me both cognitively and emotionally (it's a very, very emotional chapter), and though it was rewarding to have written it because it was my first published sex scene (something I struggle with), it was SO HARD LOL!! I feel so bad for not being able to update it in an entire year!

While I did start writing further chapters, I had to put it on pause because I had to figure out where I wanted the story to go instead of getting myself into the usual situation of writing myself into a corner and then abandoning ship.

And now I'm wondering if it's even worth it, if people would read further chapters, or if I'd be wasting my time. (But then I remind myself that I'm basically writing this for myself to process things, so that's its value to me; it shouldn't matter what other people do or think.)

My fanfic experiment has basically failed is what I'm trying to say. Because it was supposed to help me be able to write my novel by providing a safe space to practice and have fun (my sandbox), while getting feedback sooner on shorter works. And I haven't touched my novel at all during this whole time. All my spell slots were eaten up by fanfiction.

Or maybe it has worked, just on a very fucking prolonged timeline, which is kind of par for the course with me as a perpetual late-bloomer. (Thanks, Saturn complex.)

It's frustrating to have all these things I want to say and write, and then when I get to the blank page, my mind is just as blank.

Anyway, that's it. That's the post.

I'm not looking for productivity hacks or anything like that; believe me I've got plenty. Just wanted to see my blog have some kind of update because I feel bad for also neglecting it.

Be excellent to each other.