2nd.
Someone is turning two in three weeks! He is now an expert at following approximately 35% (fine, 3.5%) of our instructions, demanding things that exist in both reality and in only his imagination, manipulating complete strangers into picking up things he throws repeatedly and generally being (slightly) less of a Neanderthal. Hooray, small person! And yet…he still poops his pants. So you can say we have a little ways left to go.
Anyway you know I’m taking the easiest way out of this. I’m too lazy to even set up a Pinterest account, let alone scour for and execute twee ideas from one. Here is my plan for this year’s celebration:
1. Take the day off work; already a 100% win at being lazy. I can pretty much end this post right here but wait! There’s more…
2. Buy a Whole Foods cupcake; feel proud of spending $9.99 on a petite sugarbomb because organic = him getting smarter with every bite
3. Take him to a water park to work on my tan, simultaneously gathering photographic evidence of him losing his shit while other kids are clearly having the times of their lives. Obviously the one pic I’ll manage to get of him faintly smiling will post immediately on IG, caption: “big boy having fun!” The rest of him screaming bloody murder are promptly saved for Bar Mitzvah/wedding slideshows.
4. Party? As long as there’s a play structure and a tubular meat product nearby, he’ll be fine. Plus if there are other kids, it counts as socialization, right? Let’s be real: this is mostly an excuse for him to dress up in summer suspenders and for me to drink wine on a grassy knoll.
